by Hilary Wynne
I’m not sure how much sleep I get, but it can’t be much because when I hear my alarm go off, I feel unrested and am sick to my stomach. I don’t need to roll over to know Julian isn’t in the bed next to me. I can sense it by the stillness of the room. I sit up and look around. He usually puts his wallet and his watch on the nightstand: neither is there. I get out of bed, use the bathroom, and venture out to see if he’s still around. He isn’t. We’re going on twenty-four hours of not speaking now and yes, I’m counting. I head back to the bedroom to get dressed for work. I only have one more outfit to wear and I have an appointment with Ellen tonight so I’ll be going home. I put on a pair of white, cropped skinny trousers with a purple crepe fitted tank and a pair of black, strappy Michael Kors wedges. I grab a banana and some coffee on my way out the door and drop off my clothes at the dry-cleaners downstairs. The attendant asks if I want to pick up my other clothes and I say yes. When she brings me all of my stuff, it’s mixed together with Julian’s, I’m at a little bit of a loss. I know she thinks I’m crazy because I’m staring at the garment bags with all of our stuff mixed together, cohabitating nicely, and getting teary-eyed. I have no idea what’s going on with us or where we’re going from here, and the fact that I have no clue what do with his dry-cleaning illustrates the point dramatically. I can’t deal with the attendant staring at me so I grab the whole thing and take my credit card out to pay for it. She stops me before I hand it to her.
“Mr. Bauer says to put it all on his account. You don’t need to pay.”
Really? When did Mr. Bauer say that? I’m sure it was a pre-Luke offer. I thank her and get the hell out of there. How ridiculous is it that I’m falling apart about dry-cleaning? I don’t want to end up with all of his stuff in my car, so I head back upstairs and hang it in his closet. I leave my stuff there too, next to his. I’m not ready to call anything quits. I’m dying to talk to Julian, so I call him as soon as I get in the car. It goes straight to voicemail. I hang up and send a text.
Alexa: I missed you this morning. Can we talk please? I love you.
Nothing comes back and again, I’m not surprised. I need a distraction so I call Jill on my ride into work to let her know what’s been going on the past week. I don’t tell her about the Luke part. I feel bad for not having called her sooner.
She ignores my apology. “I’m sorry about everything you’re going through. Just give him time and it’ll be okay. That man loves you.”
I start to tell her all my reasons why I’m not so sure when she cuts me off. “Lexie, I’m pregnant.”
I feel the smile break out across my face. “Oh my God, Jill. That’s fantastic. How? When?”
She laughs. “Do I really need to explain ‘how’ to you?”
“You know what I mean. You’ve been trying for so long and I didn’t think you were actually trying now.”
“It’s crazy, I know. We haven’t had much sex since he told me about her, the bitch. But the night you were here, when we were hammered on margaritas, we did, and according to the dates the doctor gave me, that was when it happened.”
“I’m so happy for you! You’re happy too, right?”
“I’m happy, yes, and scared. Derek is over the moon. We just saw the doctor yesterday. I missed my period and had my suspicions, but I’m pretty irregular so I didn’t believe it until they did a blood test. I haven’t told mom and dad or Tracy yet, just you.”
“Well, I won’t say anything until you do. Everyone is going to be so excited.”
We talk about due dates and about how she’s feeling, and we touch on how things are a little better between her and Derek during the rest of my ride to work. When I pull into the parking garage, I tell her again how happy I am for her and say my goodbyes.
“Lex?”
“Yes?”
“It’ll be okay.”
I sure wish I had her optimism. “Thanks. I love you. Take good care of my nephew.”
She chuckles. “Nephew?”
I laugh a little too, and think about my other two nieces, Tracy, and my mom. “Can the world handle any more Reed girls?”
“Good point, Lex. I’ll take great care of this little person and I’ll talk to you soon. I love you too.”
After I hang up, I try and let the news settle in. I’m so happy for her. They’ve been trying for years, and I’m hopeful a baby can help bring them back together. The news makes me a little sad too though. Talking about babies has that effect on me now.
There’s a couple waiting in the lobby when I walk in, and Evelyn motions me over to her desk.
“Serena is here and she tried to talk to them, but they said they were waiting for you. I didn’t see any appointments in your calendar so I’m not sure who they are.”
I turn and smile at the couple sitting close by. I have no idea who they are. I walk toward them and they both get up.
“Hi. Are you Alexa?”
“I am.”
The man reaches out to shake my hand. “My name is Don Morris and this is my wife, Carla. Danny Bauer referred us to you.”
Oh Danny, you’re so good to me. “Nice to meet you both.”
As I lead them to my office, Don explains how Danny referred them to me when they couldn’t find what they were looking for at the Bellevista II. I have to admit I’m a little intimidated when I hear this. That is an amazing property, and if they can’t find something they want there, then they most likely are going to be a hard sale here. I need the distraction, however, and am up for the challenge. We spend some time in my office going over the building and what types of condos we have available. They seem excited by a three-bedroom oceanfront that just fell out of contract a few days ago. It was Serena’s, and it would feel great to turn her loss into my gain, especially on such a high dollar unit.
The tour of the property goes well and so does the showing. They seem very interested. We check out a few other units for comparison purposes and when we get back down to the lobby, they promise to be in touch. I’ve become pretty skilled at reading clients, and I actually think I have a great shot at a sale here. I sit back down at my desk and send a text to Danny.
Alexa: Gracias! Just met Don & Carla Morris. Feel free to keep sending me business.
Danny: You’re welcome. Just keeping it in the family.
Family? He has no idea what’s going on between Julian and me. I’m not going to be the one to tell him the chances of me being his sister have substantially diminished.
Alexa: Have a great day!
Danny: You too :-)
I decide to try and get ahold of Julian again. I want to go back to his condo after my appointment with Ellen, and it would be great to know if he planned on being there so we could talk. This is killing me. Throughout all the drama we’ve endured, he’s never been the one to avoid talking. That’s my deal. I know Julian won’t answer the call if he sees my number, so I attempt to go through the hotel to get to him. I try to sound as normal as possible when his secretary answers.
“Hi, Rosana, this is Alexa. I can’t seem to get a hold of Julian and was wondering if you could put me through to him.”
There is a pause on the other line and I immediately wonder if Julian told her not to put me through. “Um, I’m sorry Alexa, but Julian isn’t here today. He went to Sanibel and I’m not expecting him in at all. Have you tried him on his cell phone?”
I feel my face turn red. This is horrible. As his girlfriend I’d know where he was. As the woman who broke his heart, I’m clueless and so embarrassed.
I try and save face. “Oh yeah. That was today. I completely forgot. I’ll try him again on his cell. I’m sure he’s just busy or doesn’t have great reception.”
There is another pause. “Well, I just got off the phone with him so I know he’s available right now. I’d try again. If you want me to give him a message, I’d be happy to.”
I go from being embarrassed to mortified. I basically just admitted that Julian isn’t answering my calls. “Thanks, Rosana, but there�
�s no message. I’ll call him back now.”
I’m in the process of hanging up when Rosana deals the final blow. “Lexie, do you have Kelsey’s number? Maybe you can get through to her. She’s there with Julian.”
Are you fucking kidding me? I do my best not to lose it. “Great. Thanks for letting me know. I’ll figure it out.”
I hang up the phone and put my head in my hands. He’s in Sanibel, and he’s with Kelsey, his beautiful personal assistant who wants to sleep with him. Fuck, fuck, fuck! There couldn’t be a worse scenario. Julian has been stressed about the project in Sanibel, and he admitted to me he didn’t want to go there because of what had happened between us, because of the painful memories it would evoke. Both of us getting the flu kept us from going back together to make some new memories, and now he’s there with another woman. I’m sure this trip isn’t going to be a fun one, as far as memories go, on the heels of my disclosure. He was proposing to me again yesterday morning, and I know he’ll be reminded of it when he’s there. That is, unless Kelsey provides a distraction. I can’t even describe how jealous and insecure I’m feeling right now. It’s crushing. Short of getting in my car and driving up there, which isn’t really an option because I have to work, I’m not sure what I can do.
I call him in the hopes he does answer so we can talk. I need to hear his voice. What I do hear is his voicemail and my heart sinks. I start to hang up, but leave a message instead. At some point he has to say something to me, right?
“Hi. Heard you were in Sanibel. I’m hoping we can talk tonight. I have an appointment with Ellen, but will be free after. I love you, Julian and I’m sorry. Please call me.” Ugh. The silent treatment is killing me. Getting a taste of my own medicine is not fun at all.
The rest of my day is awful. I have some walk-ins and to be honest, I don’t care if they buy or not. I’m consumed with thoughts of Julian and Kelsey. I obsessively check my phone all day and each time I see nothing, I get more upset. My sadness and despair turn to anger as the day goes by, and by the time I’m sitting on the couch at Ellen’s, I’m livid. I’m not sure she knows what to make of me since I walked into her office. I’ve been ranting non-stop for fifteen minutes.
“I can’t believe he brought her there with him. That wasn’t planned and he did it to punish me!”
“I’m not sure he knows you’d find out. It wouldn’t make sense to ‘punish’ you with something you knew nothing about.”
“Oh, c’mon. He’ll tell me about it the second he decides to talk to me. As a matter of fact, I bet it’ll be his opening line.”
Ellen looks at me and shakes her head. “I’m on your side and I want you to remember that when I say this, but how did you expect him to act when you told him about Luke?”
“I expected him to be mad, but I didn’t expect him to be so ugly.” I tell her about the conversation Julian and I had. The one where he drilled me for details.
“Really? Because I think you got off easy. He didn’t tell you to leave and he didn’t say he didn’t want to be with you. Think about what he said. He’s hurt and he lashed out in a very understandable way. You of all people should respect that he needs some time to process this. Yours and Luke’s relationship has always been an issue for him, and you just gave him more reason to feel angry about it.”
“I thought you were on my side here. Doesn’t really sound like it.”
“I’m always on your side and I always want what’s best for you. But I can’t sit here and tell you what you want to hear because I don’t want to hurt your feelings. I knew from the moment you told me about Luke that there were going to be serious repercussions, and I told you that. I’m going to ask you again, how did you honestly think he’d react?”
I pause and think about my words. “Okay, I’m not that surprised by his reaction. It was a little harsher than I would’ve expected, but I knew he’d be very hurt and I figured he’d leave me. I expected this to finally be the end of us. But deep down I hoped for different.”
“What did you hope for?”
“I hoped he would be him, the man who’s been so understanding and so patient with me. I hoped he’d be the man who listened and wanted to talk and work things out. That’s the Julian I know, and he has disappeared.”
“Lexie, Julian isn’t perfect. He’s got feelings and insecurities and demons like the rest of us. Like you just said to me, he’s been patient and understanding through a lot of deep stuff. Don’t you think you owe him the same in return? Try and understand how he’s feeling right now. He was asking you to marry him, again, and this was dropped on him. Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of you for telling him and fighting for this relationship. You had to do it and I’m so amazed at where you are right now because the old Lexie wouldn’t be acting this way and fighting. But he’s wounded and you need to back off and let him come back to you.”
I try not to get defensive. “I’m not sure he will come back to me.”
“Well, I’m not a psychic, but I’m pretty sure he will.”
I close my eyes and lean my head back against the loveseat for a moment. I’m feeling defeated. My anger has subsided, and now I’m back to feeling sad. I open them again and look to her for some positive reinforcement. “Care to share where you’re getting this optimism from?”
“You might be a little too close to the situation and unable to see what I do right now, but the man you know is still there. He hasn’t gone anywhere, and I don’t think he will. Don’t give him a reason to. Give him his space and I truly think things will be okay.”
I think about everything Ellen said on my way back to Julian’s condo. I debated going home because I have no idea if this was an overnight trip, but if Julian does come home I want to be there. I’m going to take her advice and try and give him the space he needs to process all of this. I really have no other options because I just can’t picture my future without him in it.
Chapter 15
I fell asleep sometime after midnight in a bed that felt entirely too big without Julian in it. I tried all night to keep the thoughts of Julian and Kelsey at bay, but I couldn’t, so when I see them together in my dreams I’m not surprised. I have a hard time remembering anything specific when I wake up alone the next morning, but as I’m taking a shower something pops into my head that makes me cringe. It’s not an image, just a voice, Kelsey’s voice, telling me I had my turn and it was time to move on. I know it was just a remnant from a bad dream and not real, but those words ring in my head throughout my whole, miserable day.
I head back to the condo prepared to repeat the same routine. When I walk into the condo I sense Julian has been there. I can smell him in the air and my assumption is confirmed when I walk in the bedroom and see his overnight bag sitting on the floor next to the closet. Good. Maybe he’ll be ready to talk tonight. It’s been close to sixty hours—I’m still counting—since he’s spoken to me, and I don’t know how much longer I can handle this.
After a quick run to try and calm my nerves and an even quicker shower, I find myself back on the couch waiting for him to come home. I flip through the channels just like I’ve been doing for the past two nights, feeling like I’m like the character in the movie Groundhog Day that’s forced to keep living the same day over and over again. I’m starting to fall asleep when I hear the door open and the sound of footsteps on the tile floor in the foyer. My pulse starts to race as I get up to greet Julian. I’m a little taken aback when I come face to face with him. He clearly hasn’t shaved in days and looks like he hasn’t slept either. I smile at him in an attempt to break the ice a little. I haven’t gotten a word out my mouth before he says something.
“You’re still here?”
Those are the first words he’s said to me in days, and they feel like stones being thrown at me. I try as hard as I can to maintain my composure.
“Did you think I wouldn’t be?”
“To be honest Alexa, I didn’t think about it.”
Well this isn’t going well. I try
and call his bluff. “Really, Julian? You haven’t been wondering how long I’m going to be able to handle your silent treatment or if I’m still waiting here for you?”
“Like I said, I haven’t really thought about it. You can stay or you can leave. Do what you want. You always have and I assume you always will. I’m not going to worry about it anymore. I’ve got enough on my plate without worrying about what you do and where you go.”
The look I’m getting from him wounds me. He loves me. I see it buried deep beneath the hurt and anger. He’s walking the tightrope between being tough and being vulnerable. I know he’s both, and I want to be what he needs right now. I want to be here for him. Shit, I just want to be with him.
“Well, I want to be here with you, so I guess that means you’re okay with me staying?” I’m going to make him make me leave if he wants me to. He’s going to have to say it because I refuse to run anymore.
Julian looks at me for a few moments before he walks past me into the bedroom. I follow him.
“Julian—”
“I’m tired, Alexa.” He takes his watch off and walks into the bathroom. When I hear the lock turn on the bathroom door, I get his message loud and clear. I don’t realize I’m holding my breath until I’m actually forced to exhale. I have no idea how much longer I can do this. I crawl into bed and turn my back toward Julian’s side. I don’t need to see the rejection in his eyes and he doesn’t need to see the hurt in mine.
From Friday throughout the weekend it’s pretty much the same thing. I go to work and come back to the condo so Julian can ignore me. He comes home late and leaves early. Unfortunately, I’m getting used to being in his bed alone. I get an occasional word from him, but he’s still refusing to talk to me about what’s really going on. To my own surprise, I’m still hanging in there and taking the punishment that I’ve convinced myself I deserve. It’s almost like a sick little game now where we’re both seeing who will cave first. Stubborn Lexie has made a grand appearance, and I’ve decided it won’t be me. I figure there’s only so long Julian can go seeing me in his house and not talking to me. I still think he’s planning on telling me that we’re done after he’s sufficiently ignored me and made me feel like crap, so each time I walk up to the front door, I half expect for my key not to turn in the lock. I exhale when it does. He hasn’t asked me to leave and he hasn’t changed the locks. There are not many hopeful things to cling to, but these little signs keep me afloat. I’ve stopped texting him or calling him at work too. I do catch him looking at me from time to time, but when he sees I notice, he looks away.