With these requisites they got their own TV show and became international stars.
Gerd and Sherie went to Germany together. Since they still had all the juicy photos, to find sponsors for the Ice Capade, the terrorist drama, “The Rise and Fall of Osama Bin Laden” proved to be a piece of cake. There was only one performance, though; the critic’s and audience’s reception was surprisingly poor.
Gerd and Sherie were not at all put off by that, since in the wake of trying to hustle up the money, they had discovered a new enterprise, that looked much more promising… ’Extortion as an form of art’! With the help of compromising photos they were able to force public figures all over the world to perform acts that sometimes wandered between the mortifying, the Dadaist and the grotesque.
Hilarious extortion-happenings were created by this manner, where for example, at the yearly share holder meeting, a sweating CEO had to declare, that all of next year’s company resources will be channelled into the development of extremely slow and buggy silicone chips, or very clunky mobile phones with the digit ‘5’ missing, as well a the re-introduction of the shellac record.
When the collection of compromising photos had exhausted, together they decided to produce new ones. Sherie bought a bag of Roofies and Gerd got himself a new camera. The supply of males, succumbing to Sherie’s seduction technique was bottomless. Behind 70% of today’s embarrassing lapses in public from celebrities or politicians, you will find these two artists.
Arthur remained in his valley in the Himalayas and under the supervision of the monk, became a new worthy Golden Biker. And since life in a monastery follows a rigid timetable, he soon felt quite at home. Especially so, after he added the ‘holy wiping with divine camomile wipes’ to the rituals to be performed daily and he had declared that Gustav Mahler, Giuseppe Verdi as well as Richard Strauss were ‘Manifestations of Buddha’. After that their epochal hymns resounded daily throughout the mountain valley from hidden speakers. Thanks to the formidable acoustics this proved to become a listening experience par excellence, attracting music lovers from around the globe.
Together with the monk he started to grow a new strain of the ‘best grass in the world’ (although bemoaning the fact, he could not get high any more), he practiced meditation, martial arts and rode his bike, learning about the Buddhist philosophies at the same time.
The legend lives on, all over the country you can hear the story about the Golden Biker, who, for centuries now, is riding his golden motorbike through the mountains of the Himalayas, to punish the evil ones and to hand out some of his mystical home grown to the ones who have been good.
Appendix
Welcome, dear reader, to the last part of this book. Whereas it normally would be a deadly sin to check the last pages just out of curiosity, to find out how the story will end, in this case your premature peeking will be rewarded: Throughout the book you will find the odd word that might not be familiar to everyone. I have therefore made an effort to explain all of them right here. So you might actually start reading the book now and check back for explanations whenever appropriate.
But nevertheless this kind of curious peeking still remains a no-no and I hereby would like to welcome all those readers who have made it to this part of the book, after having travelled the whole length of the storyline. I assure you my deepest respect and affection. For those of you who cut such a fine figure, harbour noble thoughts, and are of moral integrity, seeking help from secondary literature while stumbling upon certain words, only to find, that now when it’s all over, the explanations have been there all the time, for you I have a special treat: In between the glossary you will find certain recipes for some of the Indian specialities, mentioned in the book. Whereas the premature reader has to work his way through the book, you can meanwhile start swinging your apron and impress the hell out of your loved one, so that he or a she will jump you after dinner and—uuh and aah!—will make love to you right there on the kitchen table in order to thank you for this delicious repast with elaborate sexual necking. You don’t have to thank me for it. The pleasure was all mine!
Ashram
The Beatles went there, Osho had one, and everyone who ever stayed in one of them will not be the same person ever again. But what actually is an Ashram? It is surrounded by many prejudices. Not in every Ashram you will find group sex around the clock performed by esoteric stoners—to clear up just one of the prejudices. First of all, the home of a spiritual teacher is called an Ashram. Often his pupils also live there receiving his lectures. Ashrams come in all sizes and forms. Certainly the most famous one is in Poona, the home of the Bhagwan movement, just out of Bombay. Auroville, which is near Pondicherry would be another example.
Ashrams of that size are small towns in themselves. You live there, work and manufacture goods, which are being sold worldwide. The main thing, of course, is a spiritual way of life.
Naturally, there are hundreds of smaller and even smaller Ashrams. Some do only consist of one teacher, who for a short period of time, takes on disciples.
One more thing: Ashrams are in no way hotels for the spiritually lost. Proper institutions have strict criteria for admission, deciding whom to take in or not. On the other hand there are numerous Ashrams that will take whoever they can get, provided the money is right. But seriously, wouldn’t you rather stay at a nice beachfront hotel with a good book instead?
Arre
is the Hindi equivalent of “hey” it is used to get somebody’s attention.
Arjun Dif
Teacher of the Sikh religion. He continued the work of the religion’s founder Guru Nanak (1469-1539) and wrote the holy book of Sikhism “Adi Granth”. This book is still inside the Golden Temple of Amritsar, also built by Arjun Dif. After his beheading in Delhi by the Muslim rulers, that book was declared to be the book of highest learning by the Sikhs.
AWOL
is a military acronym for “absent without leave”.
Báaba (-ji)
Bábaa, or Bába or Baabaa... (in a country with some of the oldest scripts known to mankind.
With 18 official languages to boot and an illiteracy rate of 46% do not expect any consistent orthography) means “father” or “Father’s father”. It is used as an honorary term for elder men, in some parts of India it is used, when addressing Gurus, Yogis or other holy men. The added “-ji” is another honorary term, which can be added to any person of honour. Therefor in the later part of the book, you’ll find the term “Bindi-ji”. Should you ever come to India and someone adds a “-ji” to your name (like “Namaste George-ji” you are welcome to feel honoured by it.
Badmash
Hindi term for a criminal, or someone who behaves badly and causes trouble.
Bapu
Hindi for “father”. Mahatma Gandhi is regarded as father of the nation. He is still referred to as Bapu.
Baruch haba
Yiddish way of saying “hello”
Banchod
a very popular insult in India it can mean a lot of things from “thieving uncle” to “sisterfucker”.
Bibi
is an Urdu expression and is used to respectfully address a woman, just like “madam” or “lady”
Bombay
“But it’s now called Mumbai!” I hear the smartasses complaining already.
Me: “Shut up, smartass, pray tell, since when is it not called Bombay anymore?”
The smartass is hemming and hawing, scratching his head, shrugging his shoulders, looking like the dumbass that he is.
Me: “Since 1981! And you know why, you nitwit??”
The smartass is cringing now, feeling ashamed, because of his stupidity.
Me: “Because Mumbai is the old name, derived from Mumba Devi, her being the goddess of fishermen, that’s why! There you go, shit for brains!”
The crowd app
lauds; the smartass retreats head bowed; I get mysterious looks from the girls, ’cause I’m so smart; the guys go: “Wow!”
Yep, that’s how it goes when I’m having dreams. Actually, I just looked it up in a travel book, and normally the smartasses also know these kinds of things…
Anyway, even the Indians stubbornly insist on calling their city Bombay, because nobody can get used to the new/old name. In the process of renaming, some of the streets got “re-indianised” (is that a word?) as well. Before, it was near impossible to find anything in this giant metropolis. Thanks to the new names it has evolved from “near impossible” into “absolutely impossible. The Indians themselves cannot remember the complicated Indian names. For instance: the broad and beautiful formerly named “Marina Drive. That was a name… easy to remember and fitting too, since it curves nicely along the ocean side. Today though, the street bears a name a tad more complicated: “Netji Subash Chandra Bose Marg”. Later when you put the book down, you will remember the old English name. If you also remember the new name, you’re a god, don’t bother to read on, since you already know about the rest.
Bombay: Just imagine fifteen million Indians in one spot. And now imagine, three million of them without a toilet. I don’t mean they can’t find one nearby; there simply is no toilet for those three million. Exactly, a bit pungent you might say. Now imagine if you please, the worst and most chaotic traffic you’ve ever seen. Ready? Good! Multiply that by, well, a lot, and add a few thousand cows, a couple of million pedestrians, cyclists, handcart pushers into the mix, and give everybody two horns. Enrich the aroma of the three million non-existing toilets with the exhaust fumes from the traffic, and an industrial complex whose knowledge of the word “filter” is limited to cigarettes. Now let the sun shine on this scenery with all its humid heat and don’t forget to mentally add the world’s biggest slum covering just about 50% of the whole area. Voilà—welcome to Bombay.
But let’s not be too harsh. Bombay does have a nice side to it. For example “Marina Drive”.
Only it is not called that any more and consequently no one can find it.
Chappals
Hindi word for a pair of sandals usually made of leather.
Chapati
Indian bread served as a side dish to almost any Indian meal. The preparation is pretty fool proof, even if you are covered in flour from head to toe every time you make some.
For four portions you will need:
450 g of flour (wheat, wholegrain)
2 tsp. sunflower oil
warm water
Mix the oil into the flour and add enough water to make the dough soft and gooey, so that it does not stick to your fingers. The longer you knead the softer the bread will get.
After that you separate the dough into four small balls. Sprinkle flour over your work area and tell your partner, you are going to clean the mess up afterwards. Roll the dough into little disks about 4 inches in diameter.
Place those in a very hot skillet, browning them from both sides until you see some bubbles forming. You can put some ghee on it. Ghee is clarified butter that you can get in any supermarket.
After such hard labour you will get your fabulous chapatis, which eaten by themselves, can taste a little bland, but are indispensable with any Indian dish.
Dhal
Dhal is a generic term for any kind of lentil dish. Every region in India, probably each family has a different recipe for Dhal. You might get a different dish every time you order it in a restaurant.
Here is one of my favourite easy to prepare, lentil recipe (for two, each person added is a bother, anyhow):
100 red lentils
1 tomato
1 cm piece of ginger
1 onion
1 garlic clove
1 tsp. of ghee (clarified butter)
½ tsp. of Garam Masala (Indian spice mix, in any Asian food
shop, you can also use curry powder, but only in emergencies!)
400 ml vegetable broth
1 tbls Crème Fraiche
1 tsp. lime juice (yes, lemon juice will also do)
Peel the tomato, onion and ginger and cut all into cubes. Now stew the onion, garlic and ginger in Ghee (plain English: heat the Ghee and throw the stuff in).
Add the tomato, lentils and the Garam Masala and let it cook for 3 minutes.
Add the broth, lid on top and let it cook for 15-20 minutes.
Make use of the ten minutes setting the table, write a poem or go over to your neighbour’s to borrow a hand blender. This you will need, if you want to puree it later…it’s not a must though. Now add the Crème Fraiche and add the lime juice according to taste. Some salt and ground cumin is always a nice addition to it.
If you want to be cool, you serve it up with the aforementioned chapatis, but if you are too cool to bake bread on top of everything else, some white bread or bread from a Turkish food shop will do fine.
Ganesha
Ganesha is one of the most popular deities in the Hindu pantheon. All over India the elephant god is closely associated with the daily lives of millions of Hindus. As he is reputed to be a remover of obstacles he is propitiated before the beginning of any new venture whether it is the building of a new house, the writing of a book, the beginning of a journey or the starting of a new business. Ganesha is represented as a short, pot-bellied man with yellow skin, four arms and an elephant’s head with only one tusk. In his four hands he customarily holds a shell, a chakra (discus), a mace and a water lily. His unusual steed is a rat. How he got his elephant head is another story and too long for this book, you can google it yourself if you are interested.
Ganja
Well, my whole book revolves around that stuff more or less. Ganja is the Hindu word for Marihuana. However that term has travelled all over the world, hence even the badass Rastas in Jamaica like to also call their weed Ganja.
Gloib mir
Yiddish for “believe me”.
Ghats
Originally Ghats is the term for a certain mountainous region, mainly where the flat country starts to rise into the mountains. For example in South-India you will find the Western-Ghats, a mountain ridge, stretching from the southernmost tip of India all the way to Bombay, always running parallel to the sea. Taking reference from nature where the land climbs up from the sea into the clouds, the stone steps that rise up from holy lakes are also called “Ghats”.
The term “Ghati” refers to a woman or men coming from the mountains and translates into “hillbilly”.
Goj
Yiddish slang word for a non-Jew
Gunda
Hindi word for hooligan
Gold Flake
Indian cigarette brand, whose product placement was not financially rewarded.
Hawa Mahal Bazar
Is not a market but the name of a street in Jaipur. It gets so busy and hectic however you could be forgiven to think you are at a Bazaar.
Jin-lái
Chinese for “come in”.
Kingfisher
Tasty Indian Beer brand, I don’t get any money for mentioning it either. Somehow I am doing something wrong.
Another fact about Kingfisher beer: since alcohol advertisements illegal in India, the brewery is selling a mineral water under the same name. Of course everybody knows that when you see a huge billboard saying “Kingfisher—Mineral Water” it is not there to make you thirst for a sip of water.
Kusch mir im tochess
Yiddish for “kiss my ass!”
Lassi
No, not the cute collie from the TV series, but a much-loved drink all over India, prepared in different flavours. Do yourself and your bowels the favour not to buy it from the street vendors. Order it in a restaurant or café instead. Or make it yourself. The one,
mentioned in the book, goes like this:
Serving four people you will need:
1 Mango
400 g Natural Yoghurt
600 ml Water
1 tbsp. Sugar
Puree the mango with the water, Yoghurt and sugar and serve ice cold. If you sprinkle some cinnamon and /or cardamom on top, you are a real pro.
Lathis
are long sticks or batons, frequently used and administered by the Indian police.
Lunghi
The proper “pair of trousers” for the Indian gentleman of usually poor descent. Actually it is nothing but a piece of cloth cleverly wrapped around the waist. (Ghandi looked good in it).
Mahout
The elephant-chauffeur, if you will. Elephants don’t follow orders from just about anybody, no sir! Very often the mahout has a long-standing relationship with “his” animal, they are an inseparable team.
Masala-movie
Entertainment of the sort Bombay excels at producing, a potpourri of action, sexual innuendos and comic relief, as they say, a masala movie has “something for everyone”.
Massel
Yiddish word for “luck”
Moksha
in Indian philosophy and religion it stands for liberation from the cycle of death and rebirth.
Murgh (Biryani)
Well okay, Murgh is Chicken and Chicken is also Chicken. At first this might be confusing to some, but here is the explanation: Murgh is Chicken without the bones whereas Chicken comes with the bones—that’s almost always the case, I did say almost!
Biryanis are a special kind of slightly sweet rice dishes. There are Lamb Biryani, Veg Biryani and maybe even Fish Biryani.
It goes without saying I will not keep my Murgh Biryani recipe a secret, but be warned, this is for the advanced hobby cook. For all others I would recommend the Indian restaurant around the corner.
So here we go:
For 3-4 persons you need:
500 g chicken cut into cubes
Golden Biker Page 41