Torn

by Avery Hastings

  Now for some sleep.

  Cole lay in bed, tossing and turning, unable to drift off. He wanted to be back in the barn behind Mari’s house, where he felt safe and comfortable. He wanted to curse Worsley, throw another punch, knock him down cold this time.

  Cole sprang out of bed, grabbing his boxing gloves. He was just keyed up. His fight with Worsley had messed with his head. Cole threw a few air punches, moving in a circle as he did so. Then he dropped to the ground for push-ups, pushing his fury further away each time he lifted his body off the ground. He took more of the flour and rice and filled a burlap sack with it, then strung it from the ceiling with a cord. His makeshift punching bag was lumpy and uneven, but it was good enough. With each punch he took he found himself relaxing a little. As much as he resented the FEUDS and his role in them, he had to admit he missed fighting. He missed the power of it, the opportunity for emotional release. He missed his old life.

  Then a long scraping sound emanated from the other side of the room, followed by a big poof of flour, far denser than the soft tufts spraying out of his punching bag with each hit.

  Cole leapt back, heart pounding. The shutter swung open. Someone had been following him! Cole let out a low, guttural growl and lunged toward the trespasser, pulling his right elbow up and back for a punch. The guy was covered in flour, hacking. He seemed to be trying to say something.

  “Wait!” the intruder’s voice called, just as Cole was about to swing. There was something about the voice that was familiar, and Cole paused. He couldn’t make out any defining physical features beneath the flour …

  “Cole! It’s me, Brent.”

  Brent. Cole gasped in relief.

  “What the hell, man? What are you doing here?” He moved toward Brent, drawing him into a one-armed hug.

  “It is you,” Brent said, his voice filled with awe.

  “It’s me,” Cole whispered. “But lower your voice and get in here. Man, is it good to see you.” He pulled Brent in and partially closed the shutter, looking out before he did so to make sure no one had seen them. It was great to see Brent—really to see anyone from his life before he went into hiding. The fact that most of his friends and family thought he was dead was weird, unsettling. There were so many times he’d wanted to sneak over to Brent’s and tell him the truth, but it had been too risky—he didn’t want to implicate anyone. With Brent standing in front of him now, he felt a surge of elation coupled with terror.

  “You can’t tell anyone.” His voice was urgent. Brent gaped around him at Cole’s hideaway, and Cole saw it for the first time from someone else’s eyes: the sink that didn’t even have working water, the stockpiles of provisions, the filthy mattress. It was worse than even the poorest parts of the Slants. It was a hovel.

  “Cole. Are you okay? Jesus. I’m so glad you’re alive. But what are you—”

  “How did you find out?” Cole interrupted him, his pulse hammering. “Who else knows?”

  “Relax,” Brent said. “Just me. Michelle told me. She tried to play it off at first … but I know her well enough to know when she’s lying. She explained everything. She told me not to tell, and I haven’t.”

  “God.” Cole ran a hand through his hair. If Michelle had told Brent, who knew who else she’d told? “Why is Michelle randomly telling people? I thought I could trust her.” He began to pace the room, but he didn’t miss Brent visibly bristling.

  “It’s not like that,” he started. “Like I said, I could just tell. I know Michelle. She can’t lie to me.”

  Cole paused, turning to him. The way Brent had said it … and now he was avoiding his eyes.

  “Why is that?” Cole asked, his tone guarded.

  “Michelle and I have been spending a lot of time together.” Brent paused, tugging on the neck of his gray T-shirt, as he allowed Cole to absorb the full significance of his words.

  “A lot of time,” Cole repeated. “Are you guys.…”

  “We’re together,” Brent confirmed. “She didn’t tell anyone else. She wouldn’t. I needed to see it for myself, though. Listen, I know you two have history. But I didn’t think—”

  “Are you kidding? I’m happy for you,” Cole told his friend, who gave him a slight smile, his hazel eyes brightening. Cole really was happy for him. Brent hadn’t been crazy about a girl in forever, and Cole could tell by the way he was blushing that he was into Michelle in a big way.

  Brent broke into a full-on grin, causing his dimples to deepen. “It’s just so good to see you,” he said. “When I thought you were dead.… God. I’m so glad you’re okay. It’s hard keeping the secret from the rest, though. But don’t worry,” he said, as Cole’s eyes widened. “I know how to keep a secret. And I’ve got Michelle. We talk about you a lot. It’s just so messed up, man. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “A little wrong,” Cole said, grinning. “But I have a plan to fix it. I’m going to compete in the Olympiads.”

  “You’re joking.”

  “Nope.” Cole grinned wide. “Dead serious.”

  Brent laughed, picking up on the joke. “Well how do you plan to pull it off?”

  “Details are still being ironed out,” Cole said, slipping easily back into their old dynamic. Then he paused. He could be honest with Brent. He sighed, sinking to the edge of his cot with his head in his hands. “Worsley was supposed to help. But we had a huge fall out just now, and time’s running out. I’m not sure what to do, at this point. But I need to figure something out. I’m freaking out, Brent. I have no options left.”

  “Actually,” Brent said, “I might have something that could help.”

  “Yeah?”

  “There’s this party tonight,” Brent started. “You should come. I’ll hook you up.”

  “I’m not looking for performance boosters; I’m looking for a new identity,” Cole told him.

  “I’m on it,” Brent said. “Be there around eleven. It’s dark down in the mines and everyone’ll be so toasted at that point they’ll assume they imagined you.”

  “All right,” Cole said. “You’ve really got something for me?”

  “No promises,” said Brent. “I mean, I’ve got something. I found a laser, an old tool from the mines that might work to…” He paused, as if realizing that what he was about to say would be difficult to hear. “I was just thinking, maybe it could burn off your fingerprint,” he finished. “No idea if it’ll work. And it’s way too big for me to haul out on my own. I’d ask someone else, but—”

  “No,” Cole interrupted. “You’re definitely not asking someone else. That would be way too risky.” It would be risky to go to the party, too. But he’d think of a way to pull it off. It was better than trusting his life—and the plan—to someone else.

  Brent nodded. “It’s gotta be painful,” he said, frowning. “But it’s your best option, am I right? Unless Worsley comes out of hiding. But frankly, I don’t think you’re his first priority these days.” Brent’s face darkened, and Cole went on high alert.

  “What’s up?” he asked. “What do you mean about Worsley?”

  “Just … dude has an ego,” Brent said. “He acts like he’s cooking up some amazing cure for the disease, but he’s changed. I can’t explain it. You had to have noticed if you’ve seen him.”

  “I guess so.” Cole shrugged uncomfortably. It was true that Worsley’s motives were questionable lately. He seemed to get such a high out of the research, but it was unclear what the research was doing to help anyone else. And Worsley didn’t seem to care. Cole felt a pang of worry for Vera. The baby was due in just a few months. Cole wondered if he should get her out of there—if what Brent was saying was true, could Worsley be trusted to take good care of her? But if he got her away from Worsley, where would he take her? It wasn’t like he could care for her himself. No, she’d be fine there, Cole assured himself. Maybe Worsley had an ego problem lately, but he was a good guy. He always had been. He couldn’t have changed that much at his core, no matter how cocky he was getting.


  Brent, however, had always been down to earth. He was a true friend—but maybe his own lack of pretension had made Worsley’s seem worse than it was. Brent cared, Cole knew. He wanted to help. Brent and Michelle were good people; he was glad they’d found something worthwhile in each other. Most of all, Cole was glad Michelle had gotten over him.

  As Cole and Brent neared the mines, Cole felt the familiar pull of exhilaration. Music pulsed through the ground, and although the parties were illegal, he knew there would be no patrolmen there tonight. When it came to the mines, everyone looked the other way; it was how it had always been. Still, there was something charged and illicit about mine parties. It had been so long. He’d almost forgotten how much fun it could be. Cole quickened his pace, easily slipping down the mine shaft after Brent, like he’d never been away at all.

  If he thought the music was pulsing from the outside, it was consuming from within. Bodies swarmed around him—the space was packed even tighter than usual, and everyone was gyrating on rhythm and oblivious to the space around them. People pushed into Cole, picking him up in their movements, and he felt a flash of panic. If anyone recognized him—anyone at all—his entire plan would unravel. Cole ducked his head, grateful for the dim lighting and the fact that lots of the people there weren’t sober. As he began to relax slightly, he let himself ease into the familiarity of everything. He wasn’t on anything—and most of the others were—but the feeling of being back in a familiar space, doing what he’d done for years, had him hyped up. It had been so long since he’d felt at home anywhere.

  He followed Brent through the cavernous space, staying on the alert for anyone else he knew, just in case.

  “Where is the laser?” Cole asked, keeping his head down as he spoke. “You’re sure no one knows I’m here?”

  “No one but Michelle. It’s right here. Come on.” Brent grabbed his shoulder and tugged him into a smaller space adjacent to the main room. It was quieter back there, the music muffled by the dense stone walls. It was more of a sliver than anything else—a crack in the rock, not a room carved intentionally. It reminded Cole of the perilousness of the mines, how dangerous these parties really were. Back when he was a little kid one of the mines had caved in, killing a bunch of teenagers. Even when Cole was technically “alive,” he’d never told his mom when he was partying down here.

  His eyes adjusted to the dimmer cavern, and he saw Michelle waiting for him.

  “Cole!” she squealed a little too loudly, moving toward him. “Sorry,” she said. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to blurt your name. I’m just so happy to see you.” Cole was glad to see her too, and he wrapped his arms around her, holding her close. Her arms tightened around his neck as she pressed her body against his. Aware of Brent’s presence beside them, Cole released her quickly.

  “Great to see you, Michelle,” he said, taking a step back. Brent was frowning. Cole caught his eye and Brent snapped out of it, giving him a tight smile.

  “You shouldn’t be here!” Michelle exclaimed, oblivious to the tension in Brent’s face. Then she laughed. “I mean, I’m glad you are. But I’m so worried about you. If I could lock you up in that hideaway until all this is past us, I would. But I know you. You’d break down the doors. My rebel.” She reached up and ruffled his hair.

  “You letting me use that space is the best thing,” he told her. “I don’t know how the heck you’ve managed to keep your dad out of it. Doesn’t he ever need to come down there, to store supplies for the shop or something?”

  Michelle shrugged. “I may or may not have deterred him with a tale of cockroaches,” she told him with a wink. “My dad. So afraid of cockroaches. You’d never know it.”

  “Come on, Michelle,” Cole said. “What’s the real story.”

  She looked reluctant. “It’s just … the store hasn’t been in use since the riots. Everything’s in disarray, and my dad’s a little afraid to leave the house, most days. Not to mention, we don’t have the money to repair it.”

  “I’m sorry,” Cole said simply.

  “Everyone’s going through it,” Michelle replied. “Not just us. And anyway, we’re making do.”

  “You’re a fighter. Always have been,” he told her.

  “You’re the fighter,” Brent broke in, reminding them of his presence. “Speaking of which. Let’s get this show on the road.” He gestured toward the laser.

  “I’ll leave you two alone to do your thing,” Michelle told them. “I just wanted to say hello.” She gave Cole’s arm one last squeeze and gave Brent a quick kiss on the cheek, and then she was off.

  “So.” Brent was silent.

  “Let’s do this,” Cole said, leaning over to lift the laser.

  Brent nudged him out of the way. “I’ve got it.”

  “Dude. It’s heavy. I thought you needed my help. That’s the whole reason I came down here in the first place. Here. I’ll get the heavier end.”

  “I said I’ve got it!” Brent shouted, so loud and sharp that Cole tensed, sure someone would investigate.

  “What is your problem?” he whispered after a beat, as his nerves began to quiet. “Why are you all of a sudden pissed off?”

  “Because you act like you’re so much better,” Brent said. “You want to lift this thing because you think I can’t. Because I’m the weak one, you’re the strong one. You’re always acting like you can do everything better and I’m just your sidekick.”

  Cole reeled, shocked. He’d always loved Brent like a brother. These comments … they were coming from somewhere deep. It pained him to know that he’d hurt Brent without even knowing it. “Where is this coming from? I don’t think I’m better, man. I wanted to help you lift this thing because you asked me to.”

  Brent went silent. He sucked in several heavy breaths, looking shaken.

  “Forget it,” he said finally. “It’s … Never mind. It’s my bad.”

  “What’s this really about?” Cole asked, his voice quiet. “We don’t fight. That’s not us. There’s something else going on, isn’t there?”

  “Michelle’s still in love with you,” Brent said then, not making eye contact. “She always will be.”

  Cole flushed, looking down. He badly wanted for it not to be true, but they both knew it was. Cole didn’t feel superior. Brent had to know that. But it wasn’t fair that he was the one who could even have a prayer of competing in the Olympiads. And that he was the one who Michelle wanted most of all.

  “What we have is amazing,” Brent continued, his voice hard. “I love Michelle. I have for years. She loves me, too. And we work. It’s not the same way she feels about you, but she knows you’ll never love her back. The two of us, we fit. It’s effortless, and she sees that, even if she doesn’t feel the same way about me that she feels about you.”

  “Or that you feel about her.” Cole felt a pang. Brent deserved something better. He hated that he was the one Michelle loved that way. If he could change it, he would, in a second.

  “It works,” Brent said again. “And helping you will make her happy. And it’ll bring you closer to Davis,” he said, meeting Cole’s eyes for the first time since the outburst. “What happened with her?” he asked. Cole knew the situation with Michelle was painful for Brent; this was an olive branch.

  “She’s in quarantine,” Cole told him. “She has Narxis. But there’s hope.…”

  “I’m sorry.”

  Cole shook his head. “She’ll be okay. When I win the Olympiads, I’m going to go to her.”

  Brent’s eyes were sympathetic. Like that, the roles had reversed. It felt good to open up to Brent this way. Maybe part of Brent’s resentment was because Cole hadn’t confided in him. He didn’t like to betray his vulnerability. He knew his friend was hurt, deeply hurt, by years of living in Cole’s shadow. If only Cole had known, he’d have kept further distance from Michelle in the past. And he would have confided in him about Davis—about how much he loved her and how much he stood to lose—much sooner. Brent deserved his trust.
He’d been so worried about Davis’s safety, as well as his own family’s, that he’d kept it all a secret. But Brent was family.

  “So what is this plan of yours?” he asked.

  “You assume my identity for the Olympiads,” Brent told him. Cole raised his eyebrows, waiting for Brent to continue. Brent reached behind him, pulling out an oblong metal machine with a glass panel and what looked like a laser positioned above. Brent illuminated the machine with his lighter.

  Just then they heard a loud giggle, and a drunken girl, wearing only tiny frayed denim shorts and a bikini top, stumbled into the cavern.

  “Shit.” Cole scrambled to conceal the machine.

  “Oopsie,” the girl laughed. “Didn’t know you two were in here together.” Her eyes were glazed—and she wasn’t someone Cole had ever seen before.

  “We were hoping for some privacy,” he said, playing up the misunderstanding.

  “I’ll just be on my way, then,” she said, feeling her way out and narrowly avoiding colliding with a sharp ridge that protruded from the entrance. “You boys have fun!”

  Cole rolled his eyes. It was a miracle more people didn’t get hurt during these parties. It was idiotic to get so drunk in such a treacherous environment. He moved away from the laser and raised his eyebrows at Brent, motioning for him to continue.

  “Not the first time that’s happened,” Brent said wryly. It was true. Cole laughed, and just like that the tension between them dissipated. “I found it in the mines,” Brent explained, turning back to the laser. “It was used for cutting away debris on the mine walls. We can use it to recreate my thumbprint. I’ve already tested it on rock. It still works.”