by Jodi Jolan
And that was what brought me back down to the real world with a loud thud. I pulled away from him, lips a little swollen, my breath coming quicker than before, and closed my eyes and swallowed. He was still staring at me, eyes dark, panting lightly. There were people walking past the end of the alleyway, people who could have looked in and seen us at any moment. Make-out sessions around the back of the theatre weren’t prohibited in my contract but I had a feeling that they might not be looked on too benignly.
“I should…” I met his gaze, unable to pull my eyes away, and struggled to think of something cogent to say. I wasn’t coming up with a lot. I needed to let him know that this couldn’t happen again, but there was something deep within in me that desperately wanted nothing more than to call off rehearsals for the rest of the day and take him back to my place and see how those skills of his translated to the real world.
“I should get back inside,” I ducked my head down, pulling my eyes away from his, knowing that it was the only way that I was going to get out of here with even the remotest shred of my dignity intact.
“Holly-” He tried to stop me, reaching out to catch my arm, but I wriggled it out of his reach, knowing that if I let him touch me again then all this resolve would vanish once more. And I couldn’t risk that. Even though the blood was still pulsing around my body, a reminder of what had just happened, I needed to get out of here. Every fibre of me was screaming to stay, telling me to look into his eyes and realize that he wanted me and just to do something about it, but the tiny, logical, boring part of my brain was reminding me, somewhat cruelly, that I was the one in charge here. And that meant being the one to make the shitty decisions, even when they went against everything that I wanted to do.
“We need to get back to work,” I held a hand up and nodded back in the direction of the theatre. “Come on, let’s go.”
He stood there for a moment, and for that second I was sure he was going to refuse to come back inside with me. I didn’t want to have to beg him. I knew that as long as we were still out here alone, as long as the imprint of his hand was still fresh on my body, that I was toeing a dangerous line that I didn’t know I had the self-restraint not to cross. But, finally and to my great relief, he let out a snort of annoyance and followed me, and the two of us headed back in to the rehearsal while I went over what had just happened in my head more times than I could count.
Chapter Three
“Okay, guys, one week till Allan Ardew comes by,” I clapped my hands together, getting the attentions of everyone in the room. Fear flashed across a few of their faces, as well is might – Allan was known to be one of the toughest guys to please on the market, and I was about as nervous as all of them looked.
“So we’re going to work our asses off to make sure that we actually have something decent to show him, right?” I nodded, and then was a murmur of assent around the room. I smiled and nodded; I really felt like I was slipping into this position of director better than I thought I would, even though it still felt occasionally wrong for me to take control the way I had. I still felt like this little baby shrinking violet somewhere deep inside, but I guessed I had done a good enough job covering it up that everyone seemed to buy into me as an actual director. Well, if it worked, I wasn’t going to argue with it.
I stepped down from the stage, which we were finally working from, and glanced up at the set. It was looking great, exactly as I’d pictured it, minimalist and striking and leaving plenty of room for the words and the performances to do all the talking. I grinned. This was all coming together exactly as I’d-
“Hey, Holly,” A familiar voice drawled to me from off-stage. “You got a minute?”
I turned and glanced over to see Luke eyeing me from the side of the stage. I tried to arrange my features in such a way that wouldn’t give away how badly I wanted to march over there and make out with him all over again, and nodded neutrally.
“Of course,” I replied, and headed over to join him. “What’s up?”
The thick, heavy curtains either side of us felt as though they were cutting us off from the rest of the real world, the two of us lost in this tiny little world in which we were the only two people who existed. I looked up at him, noting the little scratch of stubble on his chin, and felt my heart skip a beat in my chest. I had never known it to do that before, but there was no doubting what that feeling was. There was something about being so close to him like this, so close that I could smell his aftershave and that I could have reached out to touch his face if I’d wanted, that made my head spin.
“How long is it till the Ardew guy turns up?” He asked, and I knew damn well that he’d heard me and just wanted to get me on my own back here. He knew the effect he had on me. I guessed it was obvious – I didn’t exactly make a point of hiding it.
“Uh, a week from today,” I repeated myself, smiling up at him. There had been a change in the dynamic since that make-out session against the back of the theatre, the one that I let my mind drift to at least once a day. Before that, he had been the one with all the power over me, all the control, the one who left me this panting, desperate mess at every single turn. But now that he had caved and given in to his attraction to me, now that I had been the one to call it off, I felt like the power had shifted had a little bit and now he was the one on the pursuit, the one attempting to catch my attention whichever way he could. I had to admit, there was something about it that seriously did it for me. I hadn’t been pursued like this in a long time, and it was an ego-boost and a half to know that one of the single most desired men in the country wanted you and couldn’t have you.
“Oh, right,” he nodded, as though that confirmed everything for him. “Thanks for…yeah. Thanks.”
“No problem,” I lingered there a moment longer, even though there was no need for me to do so. “Anything else you need help with?”
“No, I’m good,” He shook his head, and I realized that I’d inched closer to him over the course of our conversation. Could you blame me? There was something about him that just drew me in, in a way that I could never put my finger on. He was just so damn…tempting.
I turned, and noticed a couple of crew members standing a few feet away; they hadn’t been there when he’d first called me back here. They were both eyeing us, and then one of them turned to the other and muttered something to her. The other one grinned, and I flushed bright red and cleared my throat and put some space between me and Paul.
“I should get back to work,” I nodded, glancing around to see if there was anyone else who’d spotted our little exchange. “Shout me if you need anything else.”
“I will,” he replied, and I headed back out to the stage to start figuring out how we wanted the set laid out for the next scene we were planning to rehearse. As I headed out there, I could feel Luke’s gaze burning into my back, and I wanted nothing more than to turn around. I wanted to let him know that he knew that I felt it too, because I did. But I knew that the last thing I needed was any more gossip amongst the people who worked for me about the nature of my relationship with my leading man. As if my own thoughts on the matter weren’t complicated enough.
I started moving around some of the props we’d put together for this set, making it look as though I was actually doing something helpful even though I knew I wasn’t. I ran my fingers trough my hair, as though trying to get a grip on my racing thoughts. It didn’t do much to help.
I wasn’t sure why it was that I was getting so hung up on Luke. I mean, I’d worked with plenty of cute guys in the past. I had even been sure that one or two of them had had a crush on me, but I had done my best to ignore it and keep on at my work because I knew it wouldn’t do either of us any good to get all caught up in some workplace romance. And I had done a good job at keeping those men at arm’s length, at making sure that any attraction to them I might have had didn’t interfere with the way that I did my job. So why was this so hard for me?
I looked over at him, and saw him chatting with Timothy, one of the actors who he shared a scene with; they were laughing and he seemed engaged in the conversation, but eventually his eyes slid over in my direction and I knew that, like me, this was starting to plague him. I returned my gaze to what I was doing, hoping that I was selling the notion of the committed director, because I certainly didn’t feel like it right now.
And why didn’t I just go for it? I knew that if I gave in to the thoughts that felt as though they were constantly rushing around my brain, this wouldn’t be so bad. I would be able to focus on my work once more and get out of my own head about how much I wanted him. I guess that I knew if I started something with this guy that it would be hard to bring it to a close – our chemistry seemed to crackle in the air around us, impossible to ignore, demanding to be noticed. It was clear that people were already starting to note it now, judging by the looks on the faces of those two crew members who had caught us talking. Who knew what other kind of conversations were going on when I was around? I didn’t want to be the subject of gossip, for fear that it would undercut my authority as a director. Yes, that’s why it couldn’t happen. At least, that’s what I kept telling myself.
Because I knew somewhere, deep down, that it was more than that. The tantalising promise that Luke held for me was sullied by everything that had happened in my personal life in the last year or so and yes, I knew it was unfair to project all that on to him. He hadn’t been the one to cheat on me. He hadn’t been the one to fuck me over and use me the way Johnathan had. But the thought of opening myself up to that again – no. It hurt too much to even consider.
Especially knowing that anything that happened between us would be played out on a national stage, in front of the press who had crowded the theatre the first time he had come in. Was he still with that model woman? I didn’t want to press him to deeply about his personal life, in case it became obvious that I was fishing for details on exactly how single he was. The gossip columns I perused over Chinese food from the place next to the theatre certainly seemed pretty convinced that he was still with that woman, and I felt a twist of guilt every time I thought of her, every time I remembered how good his hands had felt all over me, every time I remembered the way his tongue had pushed into my mouth and sent something inside me into freefall. But she had never turned up at the theatre, the way Michelle’s husband hand, and he had never once mentioned her so I assumed that it was just the gossip rags delving too deep into something that had barely been there in the first place.
And I knew that would be me, if I let something happen between Luke and I. I would be in those gossip magazines, discussed across the country in this wanton frenzy that would last as long as he kept his interest in me. And I had the feeling that he wasn’t the kind of guy who tended to stick around much, if he had the chance. If his past was anything to go by, as soon as he’d gotten what he wanted out of me he would be gone once more, on to the next one. Maybe it was just the intensity of working so closely together, or maybe it was because he hadn’t added “theatre director” to his list of hook-ups yet, but I knew that as soon as I gave him what he wanted, what we both wanted, his interest in me would vanish but I would be stuck working with him until this play was done with. And that sounded like a very special kind of hell.
“Holly,” Michelle’s voice drew my attention and I turned to her, quickly pasting a smile on to my face and hoping she hadn’t been able to figure out what was truly going through my mind.
“Hey,” I greeted her, standing up straight, glad that I had something to distract myself. She glanced in Luke’s direction, as though noting the way he had been looking at me, and a grin passed briefly across her face as though she was amused by what was unfolding in front of her. Michelle was a veteran of the theatre. She’d probably seen a dozen will-they-won’t-they push-pull dynamics like our one. She quickly pulled out her script, and apparently she actually did have something serious she wanted to talk about with me.
“I just wanted to go over the second scene of the third act?” She asked. “There’s this bit where I’m talking with Halbert, and I’m not quite sure how you want me to play it…”
I leaned over to her and looked at the part of the script he was pointing out, furrowing my brow and nodding as I listened to her speak. But in the back of my mind, all I could think about was how Luke’s eyes had felt on me just a few moments before, and how best I could get him to turn them to me once again.
Chapter Four
“Are you sure you can’t stay?” I pulled a face, but I knew just from looking at her that Michelle needed to get home and take some rest before Allan Ardew came in a few days later. She nodded apologetically.
“I’m so sorry to let you down,” she frowned regretfully. “But I’m dead on my feet here. I need to get some sleep.”
“I’ll give you a call tomorrow, see how you’re doing, alright?” I suggested, patting her arm but keeping her far enough away that I could be sure I wasn’t going to get whatever it was she had. It looked nasty. Her eyes were rimmed red, her nose was running, and her skin looked flaky and sore and dry.
“Thanks so much,” She blurted out, her shoulders slumping as though she didn’t have to bother putting on the game face a minute longer. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“If you’re feeling better,” I corrected her. “I don’t want you coming in here if you’re not feeling well. Can’t have you infecting the whole cast and crew now, can I?”
“Your compassion knows no bounds,” she replied playfully, and then sneezed. I furrowed my brow.
“You just call me if you need anything, alright?” I nodded to her, and she smiled her acknowledgement and then headed for the door. Shit. This really wasn’t what I needed so close to Ardew making his first visit to set. I was hoping to impress him with how smoothly and tightly I had everything running, but as it was my leading lady was out with the flu and Luke still needed to go over a few of his bigger scenes before we got them perfect.
I raked my fingers through my hair and let out a long sigh. It was the end of a long-ass day that had been as frustrating as it had been productive, but I still wouldn’t have felt right going home knowing that we needed to nail some more of Luke’s scenes yet. But, with Michelle gone, the crew and the rest of the cast were murmuring about heading back too and I knew there wouldn’t be much I could do to stop them.
“Okay, everyone,” I stood up on the stage and waved to attract their attention. “I think we’re going to call it a day today. Bright and early tomorrow though, okay?”
Everyone scattered as soon as the words came out of my mouth, and I sighed and raked my fingers through my hair again.
“You okay?” Luke asked, suddenly appearing next to me; I wasn’t sure where he’d been until now, but I assumed that he was checking in to see if it was alright if he checked out of here along with everything else.
“Yeah,” I nodded, and then shook my head. “No. I really wanted to work on that scene tonight but Michelle isn’t feeling up to it and I need to let her get some rest.”
“I’ll stay,” he replied simply, and I waved a hand.
“No, come on, you go home and get yourself some sleep,” I replied. “I don’t want to-”
“Seriously, I know that I need to work on that scene and I don’t want to go home yet,” He went on, looking me dead in the eye. “I’ll stay a little later. I don’t mind.”
“We’ll need to find you a scene partner,” I looked around, but everyone was already chatting amongst themselves and it was clear that they were already halfway home.
“Can you stay?” He suggested. “I don’t want to keep any more people than need to be here.”
“I guess I can,” I replied cautiously, wracking my brains to think of a good reason to get out from under this. I knew that as long as we were together, alone, there was a risk that I would find myself giving in
to the feeling between us. But we really needed to work on the scene, and if this was the only way we could do it…
“Come on, we can manage it,” he cocked an eyebrow, as though daring me to come out with a reason we couldn’t be alone together.
“Yeah, I guess we should,” I finally conceded. I already felt this buzz of excitement in my chest, as though my body was telling me that this was only going to end badly. But I didn’t want to stop. I couldn’t.
Everyone trailed out and left us by ourselves – the theatre seemed to echo with the silence, broken only by the sound of his footsteps pacing up and down the stage as he read the lines over and over again.
The scene we were looking at working on was one of the more intense scenes between Michelle and Luke. It wasn’t a love scene, exactly, but it was full-on and would require us to get right up in each other’s business. Not that I was complaining about that, but I would only have done it if I could know for certain that there would be other people around to keep me accountable.
“You ready to get started?” He called down to me from the stage. I had been staring at the floor for a minute, listening to the sound of everyone crowding out and going home for the night. I glanced up at him, and the way the lights were catching his eyes made them look as though we were glowing.
“Yeah, sure,” I agreed. I grabbed my script and clutched it in front of my chest as though it was some sort of protective armour between me and him. A reminder that this was just a play, that anything I felt up on that stage was just a reaction to how intense this piece of writing was. I scrambled up to join him, glancing around the set to see if there was anything I would change.