Conflicted (The Existing Series Book 2)

by Guilliams,A. M.

  “How long was I out for?”

  Without even looking up, Delaney responded, “It’s eight o’clock now so almost seven hours.” Holy shit. I hadn’t napped that long in forever.

  “Why didn’t you wake me?”

  “Because I figured I’d let you sleep. I heard her before you did and came to check on her. I would’ve woke you if she needed you, but she was content with me so I let you continue in dream land.”

  I didn’t know how to feel about that, but I didn’t have time to ponder that. It was Grace’s bedtime.

  “You ready for your story, pumpkin?” I asked, pushing off of the doorframe and walking into the room.

  “Night night, Daddy. Story light,” she said. That damn light. I loved reading to her and she wanted a light. I shook my head at my own ridiculousness.

  “Let’s pick up your toys, and I’ll turn on the light,” I said as I squatted down to assist in the toy clean up.

  Moments later, we were all finished and I picked up Grace, her blanket, and bear and walked her over to the crib. Delaney walked over and kissed her on top of her head and walked out of the room.

  I laid her down in the crib, and like the night before, I let the bar down and leaned over to give Grace her goodnight kiss.

  “Night, Daddy,” she said as she stuck her thumb in her mouth and rolled on her side to await the beautiful lights.

  “Night, pumpkin.” I covered her up with the blanket and grabbed the light to turn it on. Once it was in place, I shut off the light and walked out of the room to go find Delaney. I checked the bedroom and bathrooms, but she wasn’t anywhere to be found.

  When I didn’t find her in the living room or kitchen, I opened the back door and found her laying on the back deck, staring up at the stars.

  “The stars seem to be brighter here,” she said, not reverting her gaze from the beautiful night sky.

  “It’s the city lights that make it dimmer in my opinion,” I said as I walked out of the door shutting it behind me. I laid down beside her on the deck, staring up at the sky myself.

  “Can you find the constellations?” I asked.

  “No. I have no clue where to begin looking. I just love how illuminated the sky is here. How much bigger everything seems. I would’ve sworn that hearing bugs make noises at night would be annoying, but it’s peaceful. Calming. So much better to listen to than hearing sirens and car horns. I can see why you and Trenton love it here. He always talked about how much he missed this place. These mountains. And now I can understand why. It’s breathtakingly beautiful,” she admitted, sounding like she was finding her own peace of mind.

  “I used to live in the city and couldn’t stand it. Now, it wasn’t as busy as California, but it was busier than here, and I never enjoyed living there. The second we moved back here, I felt at peace. Granted, I have a forty-five-minute drive to work now, but it’s totally worth it to be back where I belong. Plus, it won’t be forever. Not with what I have in the works, anyway.”

  “And what’s that?” she asked, turning her head to look at me.

  I turned mine, looking into the depths of her eyes. The light from the moon allowed me to make out the peacefulness that swam within them.

  “I’m opening up my own shop here. I’ve already got the space I want. I’m just working out the lease with the owner. Shouldn’t be much longer and I’ll be able to get the ball rolling.”

  “And what is it that you do?” she said with a smile forming upon her lips.

  “I’m a mechanic.”

  “I wouldn’t have pictured you as being a mechanic,” she said.

  “And what would you picture me doing?”

  “Something with the land. You seem so passionate about it that I thought you’d be a ranch hand or something.”

  I let out a sigh, frustrated that a woman I barely know got what I wanted out of life when the people who’d been there since the beginning couldn’t see it. Or refused to see it. Either way, she got me when they never did. And if they did, they wouldn’t let me choose.

  “That’s what I had planned to do, but I chose college and getting a business degree instead, choosing my second passion for cars as the way to go,” I admitted.

  “As long as you do something you love there’s nothing wrong with that.”

  I turned my gaze back to the stars, getting lost in the peace and quiet of the night.

  “I could get used to this,” she whispered.

  I turned on my side, resting my head on my hand as I waited for her response.

  “Living here in Nelson County. The mountains are growing on me, and I’ve only been back a full twenty-four hours. The air smells cleaner, and I noticed that everyone waves when we pass them on the highway. I’ve only ever lived in busy California where no one takes the time to wave at one another. It just feels like a community,” she said as she turned on her side and faced me.

  Neither of us said a word as we stared at each other. Her eyes showed the questions that she refused to voice just like I’m sure mine did. One day we’d have to ask them, but today I was comfortable to remain oblivious to the answers that I’m sure I didn’t want to hear.

  I felt at peace when I was around her which scared me. I felt guilty that I felt like there was another reason for her being here. Only the guilt was because of the feelings I felt when we touched, when I held her, was more than comfort or friendship. I felt the current flow through with each look and each hug. It was when she laid in my arms and I held her through her nightmare that I felt purpose. That I felt like I was complete. She felt like home.

  She brushed her fingers across my arm, stopping at my elbow. Our eyes locked, but still neither of us spoke. I rolled on my back and held out my arm, hoping she’d understand what I wouldn’t say. She scooted over and laid her head on my shoulder, her body still facing my own. I wrapped my arm around her and rested my hand on her hip. All of our actions were innocent, yet I felt guilty that I was here with her and he couldn’t be. The way he should be.

  “Thank you for knowing what I need without me asking. I don’t know why and I don’t know if I want to know, but for some reason, being here with you and in your arms, I don’t feel so scared anymore. So alone. I feel safe,” she said and she burrowed her head into my shoulder, hiding her face.

  I didn’t know what to think about her admission. I just kissed the top of her head and looked up at the stars, hoping they’d give me the answers. Even though the wood from the deck killed my back, laying here with her, experiencing this peacefulness with her, made the pain less noticeable. With the deck and with losing Mackenzie.

  Chapter 15

  Magdalena invited us to the park today, and to say Grace was excited was an understatement. I think her favorite seasons are going to be Spring and Summer since she can go outside more often than not. It’s where she’d rather be. Instead of having them drive here as usual, I was going to them in Charlottesville. I couldn’t understand why they just couldn’t move out here since they were here more often than not, but it wasn’t my place to ask. The whole car ride Grace talked to her bear in the backseat instead of taking a nap like I hoped she would. Car rides usually put her asleep, but not this time. I made the mistake of telling her who we were going to see and the excitement kept her awake. She loved getting to see the three of them. Hopefully, she wasn’t a bear later since she didn’t get her nap.

  We pulled up at the park and I shut off the engine. I walked around to the passenger side of the truck and opened Grace’s door to get her out of her car seat.

  “Daddy, we go swide?” Grace asked as she lifted her arms for me to pick her up.

  “In just a minute. I need to grab our stuff and then we’re going to walk over, not run, to where Magdalena, Andrew, and Liam are. Once we put the stuff down and say hello, then you can go slide. Deal?”

  “Deal.”

  I put her down and grabbed the chips and dip tray and her bag. She reached her tiny hand up and I held onto it as we walked to the side of
the park where I’d spotted Magdalena when I first pulled in.

  When we got closer, Grace dropped my hand and ran over to Magdalena, almost tackling her as she said hello. She asked Magdalena if she could go slide and seconds later Grace was running toward the slide.

  I sat down on the blanket beside Magdalena and put down the items.

  “Ever such the diva,” Magdalena said.

  “Don’t you know it. You’ll never guess what happened.” I finally wanted to talk about Delaney, with someone, anyone. Except for my family. They wouldn’t understand.

  “And what’s that?” she asked as she popped a grape into her mouth.

  “I met someone and she’s amazing,” I admitted, seeing if she’d catch on and figure out who it could be.

  “It’s about damn time. You know that even though we dreamed everything, I was still holding you to that promise, right?”

  “Yeah you mention all the damn time. How was I going to forget?” I replied with a laugh as I rolled my eyes.

  “You know they’ll end up sticking like that one day if you don’t watch it,” she joked.

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Aren’t you going to ask me any questions about her?”

  “I don’t need to. I’ve already met her,” Magdalena said as she turned toward me and winked.

  “You think you’ve met her?”

  “I know I have. You left me all alone in your house just to see what she was doing there. It’s that someone isn’t it?”

  “Hmmm… Maybe,” I said as I dipped my chip into the French Onion dip and took a bite.

  “Maybe my ass,” she said as she punched me on the shoulder.

  “I just don’t know how to feel about her. It’s complicated. I should just walk away. But I can’t. I made a promise.”

  “That’s very vague. Care to elaborate?” she asked. I got a soda out of the cooler that she’d brought and opened it, taking a long swallow before I began.

  “She was Trenton’s girlfriend. I promised him I’d take care of her, but when I’m around her, it feels right. Like she should be there. And that’s even crazier because up until a few weeks ago, I hadn’t even met her. Since she’s been back, she comes over a few nights a week and we talk. And she’s great with Grace. I just feel guilty because I like her and she was his,” I admitted, taking a sip of soda, trying to figure out how I felt about everything I’d just put out into the universe, most of which I hadn’t even admitted to myself yet.

  “You need to put the fact that she was Trenton’s out of your head. Yes, she was his and yes she loved him, but that’s not all she is. She’s Delaney and she seemed like a good person from what I saw of her. Just give it time. Take her out one night and see what happens. You’ll never know until you try and you should try,” she encouraged.

  “But he just died two months ago. She hasn’t had enough time to grieve and she doesn’t need my baggage along with all of that. Being her friend is all I can do and that sucks.”

  “Let her decide how long is long enough to grieve. Help her through the grief and grow your friendship from there, seeing where it leads. Leave the possibility open. Don’t automatically shut it just because you feel guilty. That’s not what your friend would want. Trenton wanted you to take care of her for a reason.”

  “I’m pretty sure he didn’t want me to move in on his girl or that he knew he’d die so soon after he made me make that promise. I will try to take your advice, but I’m making no promises,” I said, hoping like hell she would let me leave it at that.

  Shockingly enough, she did. We joined Andrew and the kids and had an amazing rest of the day. Not one word was spoken about Delaney, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t on my mind and our situation didn’t plague me as I watched the kids play and Andrew and Magdalena sneak kisses when they thought I wasn’t looking. The more I thought about it, the more Magdalena’s words made sense. I’d be her friend and see where that lead. There was no harm in leaving things open for more possibilities. If it led to more, then so be it. If not, I’d at least have one more amazing person in my life.

  Chapter 16

  Throughout the week, Delaney and I texted back and forth. She was busy at the hospital where she’d gotten the job a few weeks ago and hadn’t been able to stop by like she usually did. I finally grew the nerve to ask her to go to dinner and she said yes, only I didn’t know if she got the underlying meaning behind the question. I constantly thought about what Magdalena had suggested in the park. About how we could just see where it went. Only I didn’t know how to handle the feelings that still welled through my mind daily.

  Guilt.

  Conflict.

  Rage.

  Since she hadn’t stopped by this week, I found myself out in the garage after putting Grace to sleep nightly, needing to find some type of release to stop the rampant thoughts from continuing. Guilt ate away at me for the thoughts I had about Delaney. About seeing her as more than a friend. Which lead to the conflict about how often I should be spending time with her and what that time meant. The guilt and conflict didn’t outweigh the rage that lingered in the recesses of my mind. All-consuming anger that I felt for what my daughter lost. Only when she was around did the rage dissipate. Somehow her presence made it all disappear. Made all thoughts vanish and I could see clearly. Feel more clearly than I had since seeing Mackenzie at the courthouse.

  Only the guilt and the conflict were greater than the rage today because today was the day that Delaney and I were meeting for dinner. I tried, but with no success, to ease the feelings looming inside of me.

  Grace went to my parents’ house early this morning, and after I did some laundry and straightened the house I had nothing else to occupy my mind. So I just thought about how much this was a bad idea. About how getting closer to her would be a bad idea. But the thought of not being around her made me feel worse. Made me feel like I’d failed all of us for some reason. None of it made sense.

  I showered and threw on a plaid button up, my jeans, and cowboy boots and was ready to go in a half hour. I grabbed my wallet, threw on my baseball cap, and picked up my keys before I walked out the door, locking it before I shut it behind me.

  I rolled the windows down and played music louder than I intended on the drive over to the inn, in an attempt to keep the negative thoughts at bay. Instead, I focused on each country song coming out of the speakers.

  Twenty minutes later I pulled up at the inn. Just as I was getting out of the truck, she walked out of her room, turning to lock the door. When she turned back around, I took her in. The sun dress was loose on her slender frame and her hair was pulled into a sloppy looking ponytail. From this distance, she didn’t look to be wearing makeup and I loved the natural look on her. She didn’t need to coat her face with all of that junk. No woman did in my opinion. I love the natural beauty of a woman. Not the fake appearance they felt they needed due to society’s opinion of what a woman should look like.

  She walked over to the passenger side of the truck and hopped in before I could even clear my thoughts and acknowledge her. I turned around and got back into the truck, sticking the key in the ignition but not starting it.

  Turning toward her, I said, “You look beautiful tonight.” Hoping like hell I didn’t sound like an idiot for complimenting on her appearance. Something I’d yet to do with her because I felt it wasn’t appropriate.

  A shocked expression passed her features and a low gasp escaped her lips, but she recovered quickly and smiled, saying thank you so low I barely heard her.

  “You ready to have some fun tonight?” I asked as I started the engine and backed out of the parking space.

  “As ready as I’ll ever be,” she replied, looking out of the window. I didn’t miss the frown that formed on her lips as she turned her head. I’d let her have the drive to mull over her feelings. But if we got to the restaurant and she still wasn’t feeling it, I’d ask her about it. She didn’t seem to want to talk about it and I didn’t know if my response to what she was apparently fe
eling would be something that she’d want to hear.

  I decided before I’d asked her out that we’d drive into the city and get dinner. There’s only so many times I could eat at Vito’s in a month even though I loved their food.

  Plus, there was an amazing Mexican food restaurant that I’d been craving all week.

  Forty-five minutes later we arrived at the restaurant, and neither of us had spoken another word since leaving the inn. She hadn’t even noticed that we were stopped. She just continued to stare out of the window.

  In an attempt not to scare her, I cleared my throat, with no such luck. I reached up my hand and lightly tapped her shoulder, finally gaining her attention, but causing her to jump slightly.

  “I’m sorry. I was lost in thought. Are we here?” she asked as she looked around to gauge her surroundings.

  “We are. I hope you like Mexican food. You ready to eat?”

  “I love it. I sure am. Let’s go,” she replied, opening the door to the truck and hopping down. I loved how she didn’t care that my truck was higher than normal because of the lift kit and that she did bat an eye when she got into it.

  I took the keys out of the ignition and got out of the truck, pushing the button on the key fob to lock the doors as we walked to the door of the restaurant.

  She got to the door first even though I’d picked up my pace, opening it. She stopped and swayed slightly just as I walked up behind her.

  “You alright?” I asked, holding the door with my left hand and grabbing her hip to steady her with my right.

  “Yeah. I just got a little dizzy that’s all.” She turned her head and looked up at me. I looked into her eyes and noticed the tiredness looming in their depths. A smile formed on her lips for a brief moment, then she looked away and walked into the restaurant.

  There was Latin music playing softly in the background. There were sombreros and other Latin memorabilia hanging on the walls. Each booth and table had red vases with illuminating lights, and there were chandeliers hanging strategically from the ceiling that provided a low ambiance of light.