Conflicted (The Existing Series Book 2)

by Guilliams,A. M.

“What’s scary?” I asked, rubbing her hand with my fingers.

  “Finding out the truth. Something he joked about but wanted so badly. He’d always said he wanted kids, but we were going to wait. When that condom broke, that’s all he talked about. How he’d knocked me up. It drove me crazy but only because I didn’t want to disappoint him. With everything that’s happened, I hadn’t even realized that I was late. What type of woman does that make me?” she asked, pulling her hand from mine and covering her face again with both of her hands.

  “It makes you a stressed woman who’s grieving the loss of the man she loved,” I responded, pulling her hands away from her tear-stained face. I wiped the remnants away from her right cheek, cupping her face with my palm. She leaned into me and shut her eyes. When I was about to continue my encouraging speech, the curtain opened, breaking my train of thought.

  She moved her face away from my palm and sat up a little straighter. Both of us impatiently waiting to hear what the doctor had to say.

  “Your blood work came back and the pregnancy test was positive. Since you can’t recall your last menstrual cycle, I want to do an ultrasound to see how far along you are and make sure everything is okay,” the doctor said looking back and forth between us as we spoke.

  “Of course, doctor,” she replied, wiping the tears from her face, her hands went to her stomach as her chin rested on her chest. The doctor said he’d be back shortly with the ultrasound machine and walked out of the room, shutting the curtain behind him.

  Her eyes were shut as she caressed the spot where her baby laid. I couldn’t believe Trenton Quinn was going to be a daddy and he’d never get to experience it. Only I couldn’t say those words right now or possibly ever. She didn’t need to focus on that. She needed to concentrate on the baby growing inside of her and remaining healthy during her pregnancy.

  She hadn’t uttered a word since the doctor left. Just continued to move her hands back and forth across her stomach with her eyes closed. I was worried that she’d yet to respond to the doctor’s diagnosis, but didn’t know how to interrupt her private thoughts regarding the news.

  I gently touched her wrist and her movements halted. She lifted her head and opened her eyes. Tears continued to fall as she looked over at me.

  “What’s going through your mind right now?” I asked, hoping to lend a listening ear to her in a time that she obviously needed one.

  “I’m going to be a mom,” she whispered, shock and joy laced in her tone.

  “I know. How do you feel about that?” I hated that I even had to ask it, but hoped she’d open up about how she truly felt and not how she was expected to feel.

  “I’m shocked, but happy. I honestly thought we were covered, but apparently I was wrong,” she said with a laugh. “But I’m sad that I have to do this without him. I’m hurt that he will never get to see his child. But most of all I’m sad for the baby because he’ll never know the amazing man that was his father. There’s so much he’s going to miss out on and that breaks my heart. I’m also scared that I will be doing this by myself. I’ve seen how single mom’s struggle to get everything done throughout the day and the toll it takes on them,” she continued. More tears fell down her face, but she didn’t move to wipe them away.

  I pulled her against me and the moment her head rested on my chest, she broke down, letting all the emotions out that she’d just described.

  The clearing of a throat behind us caused both of us to move away from each other and to look toward the sound.

  “The doctor wants to perform a vaginal ultrasound since we don’t know how far along you are. You’ll need to remove your undergarments and cover up with this sheet so we can perform the ultrasound,” the nurse said as she walked over and handed Delaney the sheet.

  I stood up from the bed and offered to leave so she could get changed and they could perform the ultrasound, but she told me to stay. She threw the sheet overtop of herself and wiggled underneath the sheet to remove her underwear.

  “Can you hand me my purse?”

  I turned and picked up the bag and handed it to her, and quickly she dropped the garment into the bag. She adjusted the sheet and laid back on the bed to get comfortable.

  “I can leave when the doctor comes in if you’re not comfortable with me being here,” I suggested, not sure of what was about to take place but from the sounds of it, I was sure it was a private moment she’d want to experience alone.

  “I don’t want to do this alone. What if the baby doesn’t have a heartbeat? I don’t want to find that out by myself. If you sit in the chair at the top of the bed, you won’t see anything. Do you want me to explain what they’re about to do so you feel more comfortable?” she asked, and I was thankful. The thoughts running through my mind were scary enough. I nodded my head and waited for her to explain.

  “They use this wand looking device when performing the ultrasound. They put a condom on the wand and some gel and insert it in my vagina, hence the term vaginal ultrasound. Then they’ll be able to see the baby if I’m not that far along. They typically can’t see a fetus with the abdominal ultrasound until ten to twelve weeks,” she described, causing me to cringe at the thought of something like that going into any woman’s private parts, let alone hers.

  I couldn’t say anything without showing my discomfort, so I just nodded my head and looked anywhere but at her.

  “It’s no worse than using a dildo,” she said with a laugh, causing me to choke on my spit. The doctor and nurse took that moment to walk in and when I looked over at him trying to regain my composure, the smirk on his face told me that he’d heard her description and comparison.

  “Are you ready to see your baby?” he asked as he rolled the machine into the room. He walked over to the side of the room to retrieve a chair. He brought the chair back over and sat down, turning on the screen and picking up the wand. Just like she’d said, he put a condom over the wand and picked up a white bottle, squirting some gel on the device. The nurse pulled what I assumed were stirrups from the side of the bed and dropped the bottom half of the bed. The doctor instructed her to scoot down and put her feet in the stirrups. Delaney complied and once she was settled, she made sure the blanket was still secure and looked back over at me. She held out her hand, which I immediately took and laced my fingers through hers. I scooted the chair closer and kissed her knuckles as we waited for the doctor to proceed.

  He told Delaney that she’d feel some pressure and started the ultrasound process. I kept my gaze on hers, her face contorting when he started but relaxed once she was used to it. Minutes passed as he pressed buttons on the screen. Delaney turned her head to focus on the monitor and when the image appeared a gasp escaped her. I looked up and tried to decipher what I was seeing, but I couldn’t make anything out.

  “There’s your baby,” the doctor pointed to the screen. I leaned closer so I could see the image that he pointed out on the screen. Right before me was a tiny being that was growing inside of Delaney. That belonged to my best friend.

  The doctor pointed out what we were seeing as he moved the wand around. I could make out tiny hands and the baby’s head, even the tiny little foot that came across the screen, with the help of the doctor of course. He took measurements and explained that the baby was on the right track for growth and development.

  “You’re approximately sixteen weeks along based on the size of the baby. Putting you on track for a December tenth delivery,” he explained as he finished up the ultrasound, printing out what I assumed were pictures of the measurements he’d taken. He handed them over to Delaney and cleaned up the wand.

  “But that can’t be. I had my period three months ago. I’m certain,” Delaney said as she thought back trying to figure out how it was possible.

  “It’s not uncommon for a woman to have a period during pregnancy, especially the early stages. You should make an appointment with your doctor to get a full exam and start taking prenatal vitamins. Everything looks great. Congratulations. I’
ll get your discharged paperwork started,” he explained as he walked out of the room pushing the machine in front of him.

  She looked down at her hand and looked through each picture. Awe and love crossed her features immediately, along with a hint of sadness.

  She laid the pictures down only for a moment and searched through her bag, pulling out something I couldn’t see. She pulled her legs up under the covers and wiggled for a moment then sat back down on the bed. I’d completely forgotten that she’d taken the underwear off in the first place.

  “I’m sorry we ended up here tonight,” Delaney said as she picked the photos back up and continued to look at each picture again and again.

  “I’m not. You’ve gotten answers that you put off getting. Now you can face the outcome and prepare for bringing the baby into the world,” I said, reaching over to rub my fingers up and down her arm.

  “I’m not sorry for finding out, I’m just sorry for putting you through all of this. It’s not your place to go through all of this with me,” she said as she stopped flipping through the pictures.

  I looked over to see which one she’d stopped on and it was one of the side of the baby’s face. It’s amazing that technology was able to capture these images. I remember seeing Grace on the monitor and every time my love grew for her more.

  The nurse came in with the discharge paperwork and once Delaney signed we were free to go. She grabbed her bag and stood, and we walked out toward my truck.

  Traffic was minimal on the drive back, but just before I got to the road leading to my house, I looked over at Delaney who’d grown quiet and found her head resting against the window. I called out her name with no response.

  Without getting her approval, I turned on my road instead of continuing down Route twenty-nine to the inn. She didn’t need to be alone tonight, and my conscience couldn’t handle driving away from her when she didn’t need to be alone. I drove down the winding roads, pulling into my driveway ten minutes later. I shut off the engine and turned, taking in her peaceful form. Her hand rested on her stomach, and I wondered if she consciously placed it there. I quietly got out of the truck then walked over to her side of the truck. I opened her door and lifted her out of the seat, careful not to wake her. I grabbed her bag out of the seat and walked to the house. Somehow I managed to open the door with her still in my arms and not rouse her. I carefully maneuvered her down the hall and to the guest bedroom.

  Pulling back the comforter and sheet, I laid her on the bed, contemplating if I should leave her in the cotton sundress or wake her so she could put on one of my shirts. When she rolled on her side and snuggled into the pillow, I had my answer. I covered her back up, letting my gaze linger on her sleeping body. Some of my thoughts toward her may not be what society would consider right because she was my best friend’s girl, but not once were they inappropriate. They were about how special she’d become to me. How she’d become my calm against the rage I battled daily. At this point, society could go fuck themselves because I be damned if this woman wasn’t going to be a part of my life. Whether it turned romantic or not would be between us and us alone. But I’d be there for her and her baby as long as she allowed.

  Turning around, I walked out of the room, closing the door behind me. Hopefully tonight her nightmares would be kept at bay. If not, I’d be there to hold her through it, just like I’d always done.

  After I had got ready for bed, I laid down and thought about the news we’d both learned tonight. She had a piece of Trenton growing inside of her, and I was extremely thankful and happy that a piece of him would be carried on. I’d never let his memory disappear. I’d make sure his son or daughter knew the man that helped create him or her. And just how much he loved him or her before he even knew they existed.

  I drifted off to sleep feeling content that she was next door and that I would be here to help her if she needed me.

  Chapter 17

  The morning after, we ate our breakfast in silence. As soon as the dishes had been washed, she insisted that I take her back to the inn without an explanation. I wanted to protest, but I bit my tongue knowing that she needed to process everything and figure out where she went next. As much as I wanted to voice my opinion, I remained quiet and did just what she’d asked, dropping her back off at the inn without uttering one word.

  That was five days ago. And the woman had ignored every attempt I’d made to contact her. I got that she needed her space, but I didn’t even get a screw you in return. Just silence, which pissed me off even more. After I had gotten through each day, which became mundane, my nights consisted of hitting the bag, punch after punch, until I could barely move my arms. It wasn’t about gaining muscle, it never was. It was about an outlet to release the pent up emotions. Only they magnified with each ignored phone call and text. I’d yet to resort to going to the inn because that just wasn’t me. Instead, I beat the bag to a pulp to take out my frustration.

  Women.

  The most infuriating creatures on the planet.

  Especially my defiant two-year-old daughter. Who refused to leave my parents’ house tonight, throwing the tantrum of all tantrums at the mere suggestion of coming home. So yet again, a female was wreaking havoc on my life. I relented, letting her stay because there’s no way I could deal with that screeching scream for one more second. Which meant I was alone to wallow in my thoughts. Not a good combination for me.

  I made myself a sandwich for dinner after I showered and threw on a pair of basketball shorts. Once I finished eating, I decided that a drive would clear my raging frustration. If I still had this pent-up emotion brewing when I got back, I’d beat the hell out of the bag yet again. I pulled on socks and tennis shoes, foregoing the shirt then locked up the house behind me and made my way to the truck.

  I hopped in and cranked the engine, backing up in a hurry for no reason at all. I heard the rocks crunching beneath the tires as I punched the gas and headed down the driveway. Once I was out on the road I calmed my driving, knowing all too well that one wrong move on these roads could lead to the loss of life.

  I turned up the radio and rolled down the windows, and drove with no destination in mind. Before long, I looked around and took in my surroundings, noticing that I was on the street that led to Davis’ house. I flipped on my high beams because the trees blocked the light of the moon and continued to drive down the road that led to a devastating turn of events recently. When I rounded the corner, I saw something in the road up ahead, and I pressed my foot against the brake to slow down. The closer I got the clearer what was in the road became. Some stupid fool laid in the middle of the road. I slowed to a stop a few feet away and put the truck in park, turning my flashers on just in case someone came up behind me. I left the engine running and the high beams on as I got out of the truck, pissed as hell that someone would be stupid enough to just be laying out on a country road in the dark of night.

  “Are you fucking crazy?” I screamed at the person as I continued to storm toward the unmoving body.

  “I said are you fucking crazy?” And still received no response.

  The closer I got the clearer the person became. Only it wasn’t just some nameless person I didn’t know. It was Delaney. I looked around and didn’t see a vehicle pulled off to the side of the road anywhere. I stopped as I got right up on her, but she still hadn’t moved. Her gaze focused up at the sky.

  “Delaney, are you trying to get yourself and the baby killed?” I yelled, hoping like hell this wasn’t her answer to what she was going to do.

  “I just needed to be here. Out here where I last saw him alive. It hurts so much now that I’m pregnant without him here. I could almost cope with losing him. I’d finally learned how to breathe again after he died and then I found out about our baby. My chest hasn’t stopped hurting since. There’s a hole where he used to be and not even the thought of bringing a piece of him into the world has filled it. It’s made the hole bigger because he won’t be here to share it with me,” she screamed up at
the night sky.

  “How the hell could you put you and the baby at risk by laying out here in the road? Anyone could’ve driven by and hit you without even knowing you were there until it was too late. Was that your plan? To die so you didn’t have to hurt anymore?”

  “I don’t want to die. I just don’t know how to get through this pain and all these thoughts going through my head.”

  I felt for her because I knew loss. But she had to go through the stages of grief before she could fully move on. Having the baby would be hard, but I had faith that she’d make it through it if she’d just accept that we were all here to help her.

  I should have tried to get her to move, but instead, I joined her craziness and laid down beside her.

  “You can get through this. You will get through this. He’s not here and I know that hurts because I feel that hurt daily, but you’ve been given an amazing gift. A new life that will carry on parts of him. Cherish that and never let it go. Stress isn’t good for you or the baby right now. And I get that you’re hurting, but turn that hurt into something better. Turn it into happiness for this new life. And for everything that’s holy, please accept the help that I’m offering,” I pleaded as I looked at her, hoping to get some type of reaction out of her.

  Instead of replying to my comment, she caught me off guard and asked why I cared and why I was here.

  Without thinking, I responded, “I promised him I’d take care of you, and I intend to keep that promise.” Which was the wrong move apparently.

  She got up off the ground and began pacing up and down the road, flailing her arms around without saying a word. I got up but stood in one spot waiting for her to tell me what was running through her mind.

  She marched over to me and put her finger into my chest repeatedly and let me have it.

  “So you’ve only been around because of a promise. I’m only a fucking promise to you. Don’t even bother with continuing to keep it. I don’t need your pity or you to be around because you feel it’s your damn duty. I honestly thought you cared, but again, I was the fool who believed the lies you spewed out of your mouth with wanting me around. God, I’m such a flipping idiot,” she said as she turned around and started walking away from me.