Conflicted (The Existing Series Book 2)

by Guilliams,A. M.

  “You shouldn’t feel guilty because I don’t either.”

  What did she have to feel guilty for? What did she not regret?

  Those questions and more plagued me as I drove home.

  I’d hoped that the fifteen-minute drive would help clear my head, but my thoughts were worse. My mind raced now more than ever.

  I parked the truck and laid my head down on the steering wheel, trying to calm down.

  The chiming of my phone brought me out of my contemplation and I reached in my pocket to check the message.

  My brother texted me that they were done with the outing and he was bringing a sleeping Grace home. I looked over at the clock on the radio and was shocked to see that it was already three in the afternoon.

  Where did the time go?

  I rushed the house, slamming the door behind me.

  Grace and Delaney would be here shortly.

  I needed to keep it together.

  I wouldn’t ask questions unless she elaborated on what she meant.

  If she didn’t, then I’d drive myself crazy with the possibilities once she left.

  Until then, I had to play it cool.

  A vehicle door shutting outside brought me out of my pity party of thoughts and I shook my head to try and clear the last of them.

  I could get through this.

  I had no other choice.

  Delaney had arrived shortly after Grace just like I predicted. We had the most amazing afternoon. Watching the two of them together was sweet, yet comical. I swear Delaney was just as much of a child as Grace was.

  The tightness of her shirt showed the small baby bump that she was getting and she had the glow that everyone talks about pregnant women having. I’d never understood the allure of that glow until I’d seen Mackenzie pregnant with Grace.

  And seeing Delaney’s baby bump and the glow on her cheeks, I couldn’t resist noticing just how beautiful she was pregnant. Just how beautiful she was. Period.

  We’d just put Grace to bed, which was more of a problem than usual. She’d insisted that she had her light, but the batteries had died and I’d forgotten to get more. There was no way, not even with the tantrum she’d thrown, that I was leaving to get more. I’d just have to get some tomorrow. But with the two of us, we’d finally talked her into reading a story, which led to having three books read and me putting my foot down that there wouldn’t be a fourth. After I’d laid her down in the crib, we walked out and let her get to sleep.

  She sat down on the couch with her side facing the back and let out a huff, frustration appearing all over her face.

  “What’s the matter?” I asked, scooting in behind her and letting her lean into me.

  I started rubbing her shoulders and she let out a moan. Only I refused to think about the sound and decided focusing on her response would be a better solution. No good could come from me thinking about how that sound affected me.

  “I get my ultrasound done on Monday, and I’m nervous. The baby has refused to show us what he is and every time I get one, I’m scared that they’re going to find something wrong or that he or she won’t have a heartbeat. I work myself up in a tizzy every single time, but I’m afraid the second I feel like there’s nothing to worry about, that’ll be the time that I get my heart broken,” she explained as she brought her hands up to rub her swelling stomach.

  “Everything is going to be fine. And hopefully he or she will have his or her legs open and there won’t be a shadow of a doubt of what you’re having. Why don’t you have Trenton’s mom go with you?” I suggested as I continued to apply a gentle but firm pressure while I continued to massaged her shoulders.

  “She can’t go with me this time.”

  I wanted to offer to go, but I didn’t know if this would be one of those times that was too private for me to be there. The first time she really didn’t have a choice, but now she did and maybe she reserved those moments for family. She’d never even asked me to go with her before, but the mere thought of going alone seemed to bother her.

  To hell with it.

  “I can go with you. What time’s the appointment?” I suggested, inwardly hoping that she’d agree.

  “I don’t want to interfere with your work and remodeling schedules. Plus, it’s short notice to tell your boss,” she rambled as she continued to rub small circles on her stomach.

  “You let me worry about that. If you want someone there with you, I’ll go,” I firmly reiterated.

  She took a few deep breaths and let them out before she responded. I knew she was pondering whether or not she should lean on me, but I wanted her to be the one to choose without me being the one to push.

  “I don’t want to go alone and if you’re sure it’s okay, I’d be happy if you went with me.”

  I stopped rubbing her shoulders, which earned me a growl, causing me to laugh a little.

  Reaching around her, I laid my hands on each side of her stomach and said, “You hear that in there. I’m going with your mommy to see you and that means you need to show us what you are.”

  Instead of moving my hands, I rubbed them back and forth across her stomach, shocked at how hard and soft it was at the same time.

  A gasp escaped Delaney and her hands moved to mine. I thought she was going to push me away, but she moved my hands to a particular spot at the bottom of her stomach.

  “Feel,” she said in an excited tone.

  I waited and waited but nothing happened. Just as I was about to move my hand away, I felt it. A small little kick against my hand. Feelings rushed through me all at once. Ones I didn’t want to experience because I still didn’t know how she felt about what she’d heard. But I couldn’t stop them even if I tried. I became more and more attached to her each and every time she was around. And feeling this little life make him or herself known tonight made me fall in love just like I had with Grace. A dangerous feeling in my opinion. Especially if it wouldn’t ever be reciprocated in return.

  She laid her head back against me and we spent the evening relaxing in a comfortable silence. Neither of us once mentioning the feelings that still lingered in the air.

  Chapter 21

  Monday passed by in a blur and before I knew it, it was time for me to clock out and head over to the doctor’s office to meet Delaney. She’d texted me first thing this morning reminding me that I could back out if I wanted to, but I kindly told her I was going. Shortly after, I received a text that contained the address and time of where I needed to meet her. As promised, my boss told me not to worry and let him know what she was having if we found out.

  The drive over to the medical complex took about ten minutes. I entered the building and checked the information directory to find the office location. I looked around for Delaney and when I didn’t see her waiting for me, I decided to head on up. I was ten minutes early, but knowing her, she was probably already here.

  The elevator ride was quick and I stepped off on the eleventh floor, repeating to myself that everything would be okay and I was here because she needed me to be. Only I knew that I was kidding myself with that lie. I was here because I wanted to be. Because I wanted her to want me to be a part of her and this baby’s life.

  I looked around the lobby and spotted her off to the left in the back corner looking through a magazine.

  “Reading anything good?” I asked as I sat down, trying to gain her attention.

  What I did achieve was something else entirely.

  Delaney jumped halfway out of her seat and screamed, throwing her hand up to her chest. Now that I wasn’t expecting.

  “Don’t scare a pregnant woman, Weston,” she scolded as she hit my arm. “You could’ve made me pee my pants,” she continued as she beat her fist into my arm a few more times for good measure.

  “I wasn’t trying to scare you. I sat down beside you and asked a question. You’re the one who was so engrossed in the magazine that you didn’t notice,” I said, trying really hard to contain my laughter. I knew better than to provoke
a pregnant woman. Especially a pregnant woman who was trying to prove a point.

  “Thank you for coming,” she said with her hand still to her chest as she tried to calm herself down.

  Moments later, the nurse came out and called Delaney’s name. I stood and helped her up out of the chair and walked beside her as we followed the nurse. She was weighed first, which I turned my head. There was no way I wanted to even remotely get involved with that part of this visit. I knew how touchy women could be about their weight and if I didn’t see anything I couldn’t be a part of the tirade of emotions that were sure to follow when she saw the number.

  We were then led back to the room with the ultrasound machine. Delaney got up on the table with the help of a step stool and laid back. She lifted her shirt and pushed down the band of her pants, waiting for the ultrasound technician to come into the room. I loved how she didn’t seem self-conscious about showing off her growing stomach. It was amazing and beautiful to watch a woman grow while carrying a child.

  I sat down on the stool beside the table and reached up to grab the hand that she’d let fall to the side. Her breathing had picked up since she’d laid down, and I knew her blood pressure was consistently rising the longer we waited.

  “That little guy or girl is going to be fine. This visit is going to go smoothly and you’re going to fall even more in love with him or her the second you lay eyes on that screen. Don’t think about the negative, just think about how happy you’re going to be in a few minutes when you hear the sound of the heartbeat filling the room,” I said, putting her hand in between both of mine and bringing the tips of her fingers to my lips. I gently kissed them and put her hand back down, leaving it within my own.

  “Shut your eyes for me for a second.”

  Once she’d shut her eyes, I told her to picture her happy place. One where she’d go to escape all of her troubles. The smile on her lips told me that she was there in her thoughts and the rise and fall of her chest started to slow.

  The door opened and the ultrasound technician walked into the room.

  “Are you ready to see the baby?” she enthusiastically asked as she sat down in front of the machine and started to key in information.

  “I’m more than ready. I hope the baby cooperates this time. The last time not so much.”

  “I’ve got a good feeling about today. And you’re ready for me so we’ll begin. You know this may be a little cold,” she said as she put gel on her stomach.

  Delaney didn’t flinch, just stared at the blank screen. Her hand squeezed mine with a force I wasn’t expecting, causing me to choke on the spit in my mouth.

  I recovered quickly and gave a light squeeze in return to let her know I was here for her to lean on.

  The screen turned gray for a second and then a moving image appeared. The technician clicked a few buttons on the screen and a thumping sound echoed through the room. I looked over to Delaney who had tears filling her eyes, threatening to fall over. She smiled, not needing to say a word.

  The technician smiled and made a few more clicks on the machine.

  I looked over but I couldn’t tell what I was looking at.

  “Do you want to find out? I can see the image as clear as day today,” the woman said as she held the wand still.

  An idea entered my mind, only I knew it would be risky to mention due to how emotional she’d been lately.

  “I have an idea,” I said warily.

  “What’s that?” she asked, confused.

  “How about we have her put it in an envelope and go see Trenton. We can tell him together. That way he gets to be a part of it and find out the same time we do,” I said, hoping I didn’t overstep any bounds.

  The tears that still loomed in her eyes instantly fell, and she laid her head back on the pillow. Shutting her eyes, she took a moment to compose herself before she looked back up at me.

  “How do you always know just what to say when I need to hear it?” she whispered as she turned toward the technician.

  Instead of responding, I remained silent, knowing she wasn’t looking for an answer anyway.

  “Is there any way you can write down the gender and put it in a sealed envelope. We want to share it with someone,” Delaney asked the technician.

  “I sure can. I’m going to get a few more measurements of this wiggly baby here and we’ll be done,” she said as she went back to getting what she needed for the baby.

  When she was done, she handed Delaney some paper towels and said that she’d give the doctor the envelope. She told us which exam room to head to then walked out of the room. Delaney wiped her stomach off, a smile on her lips as she rubbed her belly. I stood and waited for her to finish then I took her hand and helped her off the table.

  The rest of the doctor’s appointment was uneventful. The doctor took some more measurements and said the baby was still on track to deliver in December. It’s crazy to think that it’s already been two months since she’d found out and it would be four more months until the baby arrived. The doctor told her to come back in four weeks and handed her the envelope that contained the gender of the baby.

  She clutched the envelope to her chest as I guided her out of the building. I walked her over to her car and I told her to go straight to the cemetery. I just hoped she’d be okay to drive. She looked to me with a huge smile on her lips and told me she’d see me there.

  On the drive, I took the time to reflect on the past few crazy months. I missed my best friend every minute of every day still, but with her around and knowing a piece of him grew inside of her made the pain more bearable. Seeing how strong she was made it easier to cope because she gave me something more to focus on. Her light personality and caring heart made being around her so easy. Which is why I knew my feelings would grow for her even before I’d admitted it to myself. I tried so hard to fight it, but I’d lost that battle. Now I just hid how I felt from her. Only touching her when she needed comfort and trying to hide how she affected me when she wasn’t paying attention. One day I’d have the courage to ask her what she meant that day in the cemetery, but until then I’d just long for her from a distance. Long for what we could have when she was ready to try again.

  I pulled into the cemetery and went in the direction of Trenton’s final resting place. I rounded the corner, the old tree coming into view. Her vehicle was parked beneath the tree and she was sitting in front of his headstone talking to him.

  I pulled in behind her and shut off the engine after I put it in park. I hopped out and stood by the hood, giving her a private moment. When she turned to look at me, I walked over to her and sat down beside her.

  “You ready to find out what you’re having?” I asked with a smile on my face. I actually couldn’t wait to find out myself.

  “More than ready. I just don’t think I’m going to get my hands to stop shaking to open the envelope. Can you open it for me?” she asked as she handed me the square-shaped envelope that held the answer she couldn’t wait to find out.

  I took the envelope and slid my finger underneath the tab, tearing it at the seam to get it to open. I pulled out the folded piece of paper and handed it over. With a shaky hand, she reached over and took the paper.

  “Here goes nothing,” she said as she flipped it open. A smile formed on her lips as she read what the piece of paper revealed. Tears slid down her cheeks as she looked back up at Trenton’s headstone. She clenched the paper in her hand and brought it to her chest, looking up to the sky and shutting her eyes. After a moment, she looked over and me and I patiently waited for her to speak.

  “It’s a boy,” she squealed as she moved over and wrapped her arms around my neck.

  I wrapped my arms around her and held her until she was ready to let go. Moments passed but she continued to allow me to hold her, comfort her through the emotionalness of the situation.

  “Thank you for coming up with this idea. I love how we got to include him in finding out. I know it’s crazy since he’s not here, but it mea
nt the world to me that you suggested it. I’ve felt guilty every time he missed out on something, but this made it even more bearable,” she said with her arms still wrapped around my neck.

  “That’s what I’m here for. Not to push anything, but have you thought any more about my suggestion. I just want you comfortable and not stressing out for the rest of the pregnancy,” I said. I know it would be awkward at first living together, but we were just friends and I wanted to help her out until she could find what she wanted.

  She took a deep breath and pulled away, sitting back down beside me on the grass.

  “I have thought about it and it makes so much sense. I just don’t want to impose and upend Grace’s life. She’s been through enough change as it is, and I don’t want to add to it,” she said as she pulled at the grass.

  “Grace loves you. She’s asked you to stay a lot recently. Plus, she’s two and she’s resilient. Let me worry about Grace. Is that you’re only reason for not wanting to move in with me?”

  “Mostly.”

  “Then it’s settled. You can move in with me. We can get your things out of storage and you can get ready for the baby,” I said, not giving her any other choice but to agree with me.

  “I guess you’re right. It would save me a lot of stress. Plus, I can get back rubs when I need them, so it’s a win-win for me,” she joked.

  “I see how it is. You’re using me for my magic hands,” I said as I stood up from the ground. I brushed off the seat of my pants and offered my hand to her to help her up. She kissed the tips of her hands and placed them on his headstone like she always did before taking my hand and allowing me to help her up.

  “Of course. You know how it is,” she said with a laugh as she walked toward her car.

  “You want to have dinner at the house and we can talk more about what you need to do to move?”

  “Sure,” she said as she got into her car.

  I got in my truck with a little more pep in my step. I knew I was looking more into her moving in than I should, but I was just happy that the calm to my storm would now be around every day. When she was there, everything in the world seemed complete. Seemed right. And I was done with the rage. Now I just wanted the peace and happiness that she brought with her.