Since I’ve never been to Carlos’s apartment, I let Brayden lead the way. It’s a bit of a surprise how nice the place is. It’s quaint, but that’s to be expected for two college guys on a budget. The walls are all white and the furniture was probably the cheapest they could find, but I love it immediately. There are pictures of their families on the walls and a few plants in the corners. There’s a coffee table covered with sports magazines and coffee stains. The rest of the home is completely clean, giving it a perfectly imperfect feel.
“Wow, nice place,” I compliment Carlos. He shrugs as though it’s nothing.
“Hopefully I’ll be able to move out soon, get something bigger,” he says.
A couple of hours into hanging out, we all start playing an intense game of Texas Hold’em. I surprise myself when I win. It’s not because of any specific strategy or skill, or even luck—I just figure that since we’re only playing with plastic chips, it doesn’t hurt to keep betting. The trick is to actually have a really good hand every once in a while. After I win the entire pot once and Carlos wins twice, Ro’s stomach is growling too loudly to be ignored.
“I’m really sorry I don’t have any food,” Carlos apologizes for the tenth time.
“How about Brayden and I go get some pizza,” I offer, sending Ro a pointed look. She nods thankfully and I stand up, yanking Brayden out the door with me.
“Why don’t we just get delivery?” he asks me in the hallway.
I sigh. Boys. “Because they want to be alone,” I explain patiently.
He looks confused. “Carlos didn’t say anything about that.”
I have to laugh just a bit at just how oblivious he is. “Brayden, they’ve been making eyes at each other all night. They’re just begging for the chance to pounce,” I waggle my eyebrows at him.
“What? Really?” he asks, looking back toward the apartment curiously.
“I can’t believe you missed that,” I tell him as we start walking down the street toward Domino’s.
It’s not a very long walk, only a few blocks, but it’s really cold and I only have my cardigan on. When I start shivering, Brayden pulls off his hoodie and hands it to me. I shake my head. There are a few problems with taking it. The first is that he’d be cold if I wore it, which is what I tell him as I push it back toward him. The second reason, though, is that if I try to put it on and it doesn’t fit my curvy self, I’ll die. Seriously, the embarrassment will literally kill me. Right here on the sidewalk.
“Anna, wear the sweatshirt,” he says in a serious tone that’s unusual for him. I suppress another shiver, though I’m not sure if it’s from the cold or his voice.
“No, thank you, really,” I murmur, trying to keep my teeth from chattering.
“Anna,” he says sternly.
“Brayden,” I sigh back.
“You won’t wear my hoodie but you’ll cuddle up to Chance like he’s a big teddy bear?” he growls, sounding irritated. That surprises me and I stop walking.
“What does Chance have to do with anything?” I ask.
“Nothing,” he grumbles, walking ahead.
“Brayden!” I call out.
He turns to me and holds out his hands, “Anna, I just don’t understand you sometimes. That’s all.” His tone is different now; less frustrated, but sadder.
I bite the inside of my cheek and walk up to him.
“If this doesn’t fit and I start bawling like a little baby, know that you’re the only one to blame and you owe me something pretty,” I grouch before snatching the hoodie and pulling it over my head. To my sincere relief, it fits. It’s even a bit loose; not as loose as most guy’s sweaters would be on girls, but loose enough to make me happy. And it’s warm and even smells like him. Wow, I’m such a stalker.
His expression is unreadable when I look back up at him. “That’s the reason you didn’t want it?” he asks me, eyes piercing mine.
I feel myself blushing and I nod.
He sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Anna, what am I going to do with you?” And then he pulls me to his chest for a hug.
Chapter Eight
Confessions
Brayden and I walk home with two large pizzas for the four of us, the earlier awkwardness nearly forgotten. He carries them, trying to be chivalrous, apparently. I think he’s just trying to keep warm since I jacked his hoodie. I’ve offered to give it back multiple times but he keeps refusing.
I make sure to knock on the apartment door. Brayden gets a disappointed look on his face. I figure it means that he knows something kinky may be happening and, by knocking, he won’t be catching a glance.
After a few moments, I open the door and look around warily, not wanting the relatively clean image of my best friend to be dirtied by things that can’t be unseen. Luckily, Carlos and Aurora are sitting on the couch, both looking a bit ruffled, but neither are indecent. I take the huge smiles on their faces to mean they’ve finally made out.
“So, have you two confessed your undying love for each other, then?” I ask with a smirk.
Ro actually blushes, which makes me laugh. Carlos wraps a lazy arm around her shoulders as they walk to the table.
“Indeed, Anna. We were just beginning to get hot and heavy on the couch when we were so rudely interrupted, if you must know,” he says, winking at me.
My nose wrinkles and, before I can stop myself, my poor mind innocently imagines what they could’ve been doing. That’s always been a problem for me—my imagination takes off before I can control it. “That’s icky,” I complain, sounding like a child. Apparently this is funny because all three of them begin laughing at me. “Hey! I brought food!” I protest in my own defense.
Rolling my eyes, I shake my head with a smile on my face, not really minding that they’re teasing me. It’s nice to have friends that you don’t need to question yourself around. Well, until Brayden starts picking me up or telling me I’m pretty . . . But other than that, I’m really quite comfortable. It shocks me how easy it is to be around Brayden and the people at Starbucks. For the past couple of years, I’ve been hiding the person I truly am inside. Now, it’s like there’s nothing holding me back and I can finally be accepted; not just by them, but by myself too. Maybe all I needed was to be around the right people to finally open up.
For the next two hours, we all hang out and laugh together. But when I realize how late it’s gotten, I start saying my good-byes. “Guys, I really should go now. I work tomorrow morning,” I say with a sad smile.
“Aww!” Ro complains loudly.
“You don’t need to leave with me,” I suggest, wiggling my eyebrows at her.
“Annie!” She screeches, though her wide smile tells me she’s actually totally intrigued by the idea.
“You should stay,” Carlos winks at her.
“What?” She seems surprised. Ro may appear pretty badass but she’s not the kind of girl to sleep with somebody right away. She’s very serious about sex, actually, since her mother got pregnant with her when she was sixteen. Ro knows firsthand what can happen with an unexpected, and unwanted, pregnancy.
“Not for that!” Carlos says, chuckling. “I’m just not ready to say good-bye,” he whispers sweetly to her. I have to contain the “aww” that wants to escape my mouth. “I’ll even sleep on the couch and you can have the bed.”
“Okay.” Ro’s grinning like a lunatic, clearly thrilled that she’s found a gentleman.
Bringing us back to the point, I say, “All right, well I’m going to head out now.”
“Would you be willing to give me a ride home?” Brayden asks, sending me an apologetic smile. “It seems that Carlos forgot that I was supposed to get the couch tonight.” He sends a fake glare in the happy couple’s direction. “And I’d rather not share it with him.”
I laugh and nod. We walk down to my car and I toss Brayden my keys. He looks at me questioningly.
“I hate driving if I don’t have to. Just don’t crash my car,” I explain.
He laughs and climbs in the driver’s seat. After a few minutes of driving, he twists his head to look at me. “What?” I ask with a smile.
“I have a question,” he begins.
“Okay . . .” I say warily.
“You don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to, I’m just wondering,” he rambles nervously.
“Just ask,” I sigh.
He pauses for a moment. “Did something happen to you? I mean, you just seem way too self-conscious for something to not have. Like when I called you cute and you stopped talking to me, or today when I picked you up, and tried giving you my hoodie. You know what? Never mind, I shouldn’t have asked.” He’s talking so fast that I can barely understand him.
“It’s okay,” I assure him gently, figuring he deserves to know. I’m just not sure I can tell him. “Something did happen. Last year, during my senior year of high school. I haven’t been the same since.” I stop talking, figuring that was an okay explanation. Clearly I left out the details, but I didn’t want to trouble him with some sob story.
“Do you not want to talk about it?” he probes.
I shrug. “It’s just hard to talk about. But since you’ve already come face-to-face with my insecurities, I don’t see why I can’t tell you, I guess.”
What if, once he knows, he won’t be interested in me anymore? That’s the biggest thing I’m afraid of right now. I’ve come to terms with what happened last year. I may be suffering emotional side effects from it, but I don’t see the point in pretending it never happened. But still . . .
“You don’t need to, that’s not why I asked,” he says quickly, but I can hear the hint of curiosity in his voice.
I take deep breath. “Look, I—It just might seem a little melodramatic to you, but it really hurt me when it happened, okay? So don’t judge me.” I feel the need to pad the story, having been told by various family members more than enough times that I was overreacting.
“I’ve always been insecure about, uh, my weight.” I feel so awkward talking about it now that I’ve started. Rubbing a hand over my face, I stare out the window and continue.
“In my school, you were basically surrounded by the people you’ve known your entire life. The girls I met in kindergarten were the same ones I hung out with in high school. I even had the same crush on the same guy I’d been drooling over since preschool. Sam Erickson was honestly God’s gift to womankind.”
I’m blushing as I tell Brayden this, thinking about how stupid I was. Hoping he wasn’t thinking the same thing. With a sigh, I continue.
“One day, I got in an argument with the girl who was the leader of our little group. Apparently, disagreeing with her meant that she needed to seek revenge. They all knew about how I was in love with Sam, since I talked about him nonstop. I guess that they talked to him behind my back and set up a plan to humiliate me. It, uhh, worked perfectly. Sam just suddenly started talking to me and showing an interest and I was eating it up, not realizing what a joke it all was.”
I feel tears fall down my cheeks and I shake my head as I wipe them away, “Sorry,” I say, disgusted with myself that I’m still crying over this. Brayden takes my hand in his, and I give him a wobbly smile.
“A few days later, we were eating lunch in the cafeteria when he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I accepted immediately. After that, all I remember is running away, sobbing my eyes out. They were all laughing at me and calling me names like ‘stupid fat bitch’ and ‘ugly cow’ and other names I don’t want to repeat. I don’t actually remember any of the details other than that.”
I finish with a self-depreciating shrug, having no more to say about that. The tears seem to be falling in a never-ending stream and I hate myself for it. “Luckily, one good thing did come from it. I met Ro a few days later. She’d heard all about what happened—the whole school had—and she’d sought me out just to tell me to forget about them. We’ve been best friends ever since.”
I end with a smile, thanking my lucky starts for that purple-haired girl.
We sit in silence for a few minutes and I watch as Brayden’s left hand, his right being entwined with my own, tightens on the steering wheel. “Wow” is what he finally says. He’s angry, that much I can tell.
“Who the fuck does that?” he says heatedly.
I bite my lip, embarrassed.
“Look, I know that I’m an idiot for believing him, but I didn’t know. It seems obvious now . . . I’m so stupid,” I end in a whisper, another tear dropping from my eye.
Brayden’s expression softens a bit as he turns toward me. I hadn’t realized we were already at his house.
“Not you, Anna—him. Them. Who could do that to a person like you?”
“What do you mean, ‘like me?’” I snap. “Just because I’m fat doesn’t mean—“
He cuts me off, one finger very tenderly pressed to my lips. “Beautiful, sweet, funny, sensitive, kind. Like you,” he lists, making me stop my train of thought.
“This is why I can’t date you, Brayden. You’re so perfect. You say the right things at the best times. There’s never a dull moment with you around because you’re always making me smile or laugh. I’ve never felt as good around anybody as I do around you, but it’s not right. I can’t go three minutes without feeling like there’s some secret, cruel reason you’re calling me beautiful. I’m always second guessing around you and it’s not even your fault. I’m just broken. I can’t understand why you spend time with me when I can’t imagine wanting to spend time with myself. It’s not fair to you,” I blurt out with a new rush of tears. It’s been clear all along that he wants to be more than friends, and now he knows why we can’t. The look on his face sends knives through my heart, and I watch him nod his head.
“I get it,” he whispers.
A small sob escapes my lips. “See, even that! You’re such an amazing guy, Brayden, and if I weren’t so fucked up, I’d be with you without a second thought. You deserve the world, but I can’t give it to you.”
He wiggles so he can face me more fully.
“Anna, it’s okay.” But the sadness in his eyes kills me a little bit inside.
“I’m so sorry,” I weep.
He gives me a sad smile. “Hey, at least I know why now, right?”
Quickly, he pulls me into his arms and holds me there, giving me the best hug of my life.
“I’m not giving up, you know. You’ll be ready eventually, and once you are, I’ll be damned if somebody else is going to get you.”
To say I’m shocked is a major understatement. Why would he stick around after everything I just told him?
“What?” I whisper, my eyes wide as I pull back to look at him.
He leans forward slowly and places a soft, tiny, barely there, kiss on my lips and looks into my eyes.
“For every bad thing you see in yourself, Anna, I see ten good things. You see somebody overweight and I see a beautiful girl with amazing curves that even a goddess would beg for. You think you’re ugly while I look at you and have to catch my breath sometimes. I’m not letting you go, but I’ll wait until you’re ready to be mine.”
He gives me one last hug and a light peck on my forehead before jumping out of the car and calling “Night!” behind him, leaving me speechless.
Chapter Nine
Awkwardness and Invitations
For the first time since my emotional breakdown, I’m going to see Brayden. It’s been four days since we saw each other but that’s mostly his fault. Much to the terror of my overreacting teenage hormones, he didn’t call or text me for three days. I couldn’t tell if he was just giving me space, or if he had decided he was completely over all the drama I managed to bring with me. First, I was embarrassed about being so melodramatic. Then I got nervous that he wouldn’t want to talk to me. After two full days of wondering, I was starting to get upset. I didn’t pour my soul out to him just to have him avoid me like the plague.
I was actually glaring at my phone when he finally called. After star
ing at it for a moment, I answered with a wary “Hello?” Brayden immediately began apologizing about the lack of contact. He said something about how he’d been working almost nonstop at the auto shop and had barely had time to eat or sleep.
When we first started having coffee, he told me about his job as a mechanic or something. I honestly tried to pay attention when he talked about it, but there’s just something about guy stuff that I can’t focus on. Anyway, I tried to pretend like I hadn’t been going out of my mind the past couple of days by replying with a brilliant “Oh, that’s fine.” It turns out that I’m not so good at being subtle.
Brayden spent the next fifteen minutes trying to convince me that he really had been swamped at work and that he’d really wanted to call. Eventually, he coerced me into meeting him at one of the restaurants near his work.
Now, I’m walking into the best Chinese buffet in town feeling worried. What if things are still awkward? I’m really not a good liar, and I don’t want him to know that I was worried. If he asks, I won’t be able to hide it. Also, this is the closest thing to a date that I’ve ever had, so I’m kind of stressing about that too.
I know that we’re not dating, as certified by my meltdown, but we like each other. I’m not ready for a relationship because I know that I couldn’t give him 100 percent of myself. But just one date could feel really good and, if it does, what if I suddenly forget about not being ready to date him? And all of a sudden I’m in this really intense relationship and I have a freak-out and break up with him and end up breaking my own heart? Wow, I’m even getting panicky in my thoughts. But still, what happens then? Maybe this is a bad idea.
I shake my head and breathe, trying to calm myself down. All this worrying is just stressing me out more. I see Brayden sitting at a booth as soon as I enter the restaurant. “Hey.” I wave, sounding kind of shy.
“Annie!” He beams, standing up to give me a hug that I happily return.
“How’s it going?” I ask, taking a deep breath. We walk over to the buffet as we talk.
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