His tears have fallen by the time he’s finished telling me and I immediately open my arms to him, affected by the loss of Evie’s pregnancy too. “You should have told me right away,” I whisper to him. “It doesn’t make what you did okay, but I’m willing to forgive you now.”
“I really do love you Anna. It wasn’t a bargaining chip,” he says softly, looking into my eyes.
“I care about you more than I ever thought I could, Brayden, but telling you I love you right now would be a lie. I need to make sure I’m positive about it before I tell you or it won’t be fair to either of us,” I say carefully. “As soon as I’m ready, you’ll be the first to know. I promise.”
He nods his head, knowing that this is more than I could’ve given to him a few weeks ago. He places his lips against my cheek. “I am sorry, Honey. If I could take my words back, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I can’t though, and I hate it.”
I nod and rest my head against his chest. “Brayden?” I ask softly, nervous about what I’m about to ask. I can already feel the lump in my throat.
“Hmm?” he hums.
“Do you really think I’ve just been playing hard to get?” I ask, my voice breaking.
“No. I really wish I wouldn’t have said that. I know you better than to think you’d ever trick me. I just wanted to say something to hurt you like I was hurting, and it wasn’t fair at all. I can’t tell you enough how much I want to take it all back.” He takes a deep breath. “I hate myself for trying to make you feel bad.”
“Don’t hate yourself,” I say quietly. “At least you’re honest about it and you realize what you did wasn’t right. It’d be worse if you were in denial about everything.”
“I don’t deserve your understanding,” he says, shaking his head.
I shrug, not really knowing what to say to that. “I don’t think it’s a good idea to go to the dance,” I tell him.
“All right,” he agrees, but sounds reluctant.
“And, um, I’d kind of like to be alone right now,” I say, my stomach tightening as I speak. I’ve never wanted to be alone with Brayden around, and the fact that I’d rather be by myself than with him speaks volumes to both of us.
***
Later, Ro comes by to see me and we both sit reading some magazines on my bed. “So, I went to see Carlos today . . .” She trails off.
I look over at her curiously. They’re always seeing each other. Why is this news? “And?”
“And he told me that Brayden spent the night at his apartment last night.”
“Did he?” I ask, looking back at the copy of Lady magazine in my hands.
“Yeah. Apparently he was pretty messed up about everything that happened.”
“Was he?” Even to me, my voice sounds cold.
“All right, what gives?” she asks.
“Nothing gives. I just, I’m just trying to figure some things out. I mean, whether the circumstances make it seem acceptable or not, he really hurt me yesterday. I’m going to try to forgive him, but he’s the one person I never expected to need an apology from,” I explain.
“Maybe you expected too much from him?” she offers.
I raise an eyebrow. “Weren’t you the one calling him yesterday to say he’d never see me again?” I ask.
She shrugs. “You were up here sobbing your eyes out and I was pissed. I’m not going to deny it.”
I sigh and turn the page. Before I can speak though, I see a picture of me and I scream, scaring Ro. “What?” she yells.
“Me!” I shriek, pointing to the page.
“Holy shit!” she yells. “You look so beautiful! You make looking bored seem fashionable!” She smiles.
I grin, wishing Brayden were with me. I don’t know what to do, exactly, so I take a picture of it with my phone and send it to him with a smile attached.
“Why didn’t you call him?” Ro asks, staring at my phone.
I shrug and look down.
“Anna, if you’re going to forgive him, then forgive him. If you’re not, don’t string him along,” she says softly.
“It happened yesterday,” I snap. “Sorry if I just want a day or so to figure things out. I don’t think it’s too much to ask.” I close the magazine and turn away from her, listening as she sighs and then leaves my room. Tiny tears drip from my eyes as I wonder how everything got so fucked up.
Chapter Twenty-Two
On a Pedestal
Monday morning, I skip school, feeling less than enthusiastic about spending the whole day with people I don’t like even when I’m in a good mood. I’d call into work, but Jon already gave me the weekend off and I don’t want him to think that I’m slacking.
I end up arriving about five minutes late and groan when I see that I’m working with Carlos and Jake today. Neither are usually bad; in fact, Jake’s a sweetheart. But I’m sure that Carlos was dragged into the middle of two out of three fights this weekend. Brayden went to Carlos’s house after our initial fight, and I bet that Ro went to him when I all but kicked her out of my room.
“Hey, Annie!” Carlos says, waving his towel in the air.
I smile and wave back, relaxing a little when I realize that he’s being objective and not taking sides. I couldn’t blame him if he did. He was friends with both Ro and Brayden long before he even met me.
“So, Anna, how was your weekend?” Jake asks me shyly. He’s not too much of a talker, focusing more on working most of the time, but he’s polite and a great confidant.
“It was eventful,” I say vaguely, avoiding eye contact with Carlos.
“Anything you want to talk about?” he asks me softly as I move to stand by him. There aren’t any customers at the moment, so it’s okay if we chat. I just don’t want to.
“I’m okay,” I say softly.
“Are you sure? Because I’m here if you need me,” he says, shrugging in a nonchalant way.
I give him a small half smile. “I don’t think that talking to you is going to mend any of my problems right now. Especially during business hours. I really appreciate the offer, though,” I tell him sincerely.
“Well that’s up to you,” he replies, and we all begin working again.
Within an hour or so of clocking in, the lines are full and we’re busting our butts to stay on top of all the orders. It’s kind of relaxing for me, though, since very little thought process goes into making the drinks.
“Welcome to Starbucks, how may I help you?” I ask the next person in line as the bells chime above the door. Glancing over, I’m startled to find Brayden walking toward me.
“Hey, no cutting, buddy!” one guy calls from the back of the line. Brayden only waves a tiny bit before shoving his hands back into his coat pockets and walking up to the counter.
“When’s your break?” he asks.
I look at the clock and then back at the line, “Not for a bit,” I answer.
“I’ll wait, then,” he says softly before walking over to an empty cushioned chair by the fireplace.
Anxious nerves fill my body as I rush to complete the orders. Funnily enough, the place dies down within twenty minutes, making it seem as though we hadn’t just been filled to the brim with customers. Except for the mess. “I, uh, I’m going to take my break now,” I tell the guys before untying my apron. Zipping up my jacket, I lead us outside, to the alley between the buildings where the picnic tables are.
We’re awkwardly silent the entire time, even once we’re sitting. Finally, I sigh. “What are you doing here?”
He shrugs, “I come here every night for your break.” I look at the ground as he continues, “I know that you’re mad at me, and you have every right to be, but I didn’t want you to think that I wouldn’t show up, because I always do, and then have you doubting me even more.”
I tell him the only thing that comes to mind. “That’s considerate.”
“I didn’t do it to be considerate, Anna.”
“I know,” I say softly. Taking a deep breath, I begin talking. Maybe r
anting. “Look, I’m just going to spew this out, okay? Because it needs to be said and I can’t hold it back. As hurt and mad as I am at you for the things you said, I’m even more upset with myself.”
He interrupts me. “Why would you be upset with yourself?”
“Let me talk, please,” I say softly. “I’m mad at myself because I gave you the power to hurt me. I . . . I know this sounds crazy, really I do. But you’re perfect to me. You’re the guy of my dreams. You are the reason that I’m happy again, and I can’t thank you enough for that. But I put you up on this pedestal, making you seem indestructible.” I pause to collect my thoughts.
“I had a lot of time to think this weekend, and I think that the things you said made you human to me for the first time. Imperfect, in a way. I know that you can hurt me now. I know that you get truly angry. I know that you’re real, and it’s hard to adjust to. God, I sound so crazy right now, I know it.” I pause. “You were supposed to be the guy who could never hurt me. And now that you have, I just need to wrap my mind around the fact that you’re not really a superhero.”
The table moves slightly as Brayden jumps up from it, running his hands through his unruly hair before stuffing them back in his pockets and pacing back and forth. “Damn it, Anna!” he begins, growling a bit. I frown, feeling as though the night took a turn that I wasn’t expecting. “I hate myself for what I said to you. I love being your superhero. That pedestal is my favorite place in the world, do you know that? You believing in me like that was incredible. I know that this is a lot to ask, but please just give me one more chance. Please.”
I scowl. “Why is it so important for me to think you’re perfect?” I ask.
He moves to stand in front of me, pulling my hands into his. “Because you didn’t expect me to hurt you when I was perfect. I know that I did it anyway, but I can see it in your eyes that you’re just waiting for me to say something awful again.” I blush at how right he is. “It’s all my fault that I don’t have it, but I need your trust.”
“I do trust you, it’s just different now,” I tell him.
“I don’t want things different!” he exclaims desperately, squeezing my hands. In a softer tone, he continues. “I have a temper. I know that. And I’m a jealous guy. I know that too. But I love you so much and I would never have reacted that way if I knew it’d hurt you.”
“How did you expect me to feel with you screaming in my face?” I ask, irritated. “I know that I yelled first. And I’m sorry for that, but the way you looked at me, and the way you spoke to me, I can’t just forget that. I’m working on forgiving people in my life, and I love you enough that I won’t just let this end, but I can’t look at you and say that you’d never hurt me anymore.”
“You love me?” he asks quickly, looking at me with hopeful curiosity.
I freeze. “I never said that,” I deny, shaking my head.
“Yes you did,” he says slowly.
“It just slipped.” I pull my hands from his grasp.
“But did you mean it?” Brayden asks.
I cringe and look away. “Yeah,” I finally admit.
“You love me?” he asks, his voice getting happier.
I look back at his face. “Seriously, I just told you that I can’t look at you the same way anymore and that’s what you’re focusing on?”
He smiles. “How can I not focus on you saying you love me? I can work on getting back into your good graces as long as I know that you love me. I just need to know that you won’t give up,” he says, almost excitedly.
I shake my head. “I never said I was giving up on you.”
“Well, I kind of assumed that was what you meant when you told me to stay away from you.” He looks incredibly sad as he looks down. “The look on your face when you said that was like a bucket of ice water was being poured over my body. I never want to see that look again.” His voice cracks at the end as he looks up at me, clearly in agony.
Not really thinking, I lean forward and upward, kissing his soft lips. Bray seems shocked at first, but reacts quickly, cupping my cheeks with his large palms and pulling me even closer. My fingers tangle themselves in his shaggy hair before I can stop them.
Pulling back to lean his forehead against mine, he nudges my nose with his, whispering, “I never want to see you sad again.”
I give a small laugh. “All I need is for you to trust me, Brayden. I’m never going to choose some other guy over you, and I’m definitely not playing hard to get. You’re the reason that I can be even halfway comfortable with myself now, so don’t doubt me, okay?”
He nods, rubbing my cheek with his thumb. Part of me is still upset at him, but I know that it’s not permanent.
“I have to go back inside,” I whisper, hating to break the moment.
“I’ll walk you in,” he says, taking my hand in his and leading us to the door.
“Can you wait a minute? I’m going to try to leave early,” I say, hoping we can continue talking about things.
He nods, looking a little confused, and waits while I go talk to Jon, who agrees to let me go as long as I make up the hours another day this week. Brayden and I decide to take his truck back to my house and in the morning, if he stays, he’ll just give me a ride to my car. If not, I can always ride with Matty.
“Are we okay now?” he asks nervously, even though he’s sprawling out across my bed as though we’d never fought. It’s really nice to see.
I give an uncertain nod. “I guess that depends on if you can forgive me,” I tell him, going into my closet to change into my pajamas, hoping he can’t see my face.
“Why would I need to forgive you?” he asks, sounding dumbfounded.
I step out of the closet and have to gulp back the guilty feeling that’s been eating me alive since Saturday. “I’m sorry I kicked you out when you needed me,” I say, swearing quietly as I rub away the fallen tears.
“Annie,” he says softly, holding his arm out for me to cuddle up to him. I move hesitantly, not wanting him to forgive me right away. I was so caught up in my own emotions that I didn’t even consider his. What kind of girlfriend can just do that to the man she loves? He’s literally been there for me every step of the way in the past few months, dealing with my being a constant emotional wreck, and I couldn’t even take him into consideration when something truly tragic happened.
I scoot across the bed until my head is resting on his chest and our arms are laced around each other. “I am so selfish, Brayden. I was so caught up in my own drama that I didn’t even think about your tragedy. I care about you, and I care about Evie, and your entire family, and I wasn’t even there for them! You all mean the world to me and I almost lost it all because I only worry about myself. Even now you have to comfort me as I apologize to you because, once again, I’m making this all about me!” I say, frustrated as tears rush down my face.
I sigh as Brayden kisses my tears away, his hand making warm circles on my back. “Don’t beat yourself up over this, there was nothing you could’ve done. I . . . I don’t like talking about those kinds of things. I mean, telling you how much I love you is one thing, but I don’t want you to think that I’m less of a man for the things I feel,” he says, struggling to find the right words.
My eyes widen—never in my life did I expect that. “Bray, there is nothing you could ever tell me that would make me think any less of you. I know I overreact about some things, but I’d never doubt your masculinity.” I pause for a moment, deciding to be sensitive instead of teasing him with a sexual reference. “Can you tell me about it?” I ask softly.
I watch as his Adam’s apple bobs up and down. “I’m not sure you want to hear about that,” he says, his eyes getting a faraway look to them.
“I can handle anything you tell me, but if you’re not telling me because you don’t want to talk about it, then we can talk about something else,” I assure him, not wanting to push.
He sighs and looks into my eyes. “If you want me to stop, just let me know, okay?
” I nod slowly and he places a soft kiss on my temple before continuing. “Evie was walking by the stairs with a huge laundry basket when she tripped over one of Zander’s Tonka trucks. She fell down the steps, going over and under the basket along the way, until she landed on the landing by the front door. Landon and I called the ambulance, but there was already so much blood.” He stops talking as his voice cracks for the fourth time.
“She found out yesterday that they probably won’t be able to have any more kids. The doctors are running more tests, but the damage was pretty extensive.”
I gasp, feeling tears sting my eyes yet again but I refuse to let them fall. This is about Brayden and his family now. I can’t even imagine how Evie must be feeling. She was so looking forward to another daughter, not that they knew the sex yet, but she’d hoped.
“When does she get to go home?” I ask softly.
“They’re hoping that by Christmas Eve she’ll be strong enough,” he says, shrugging a tiny bit in a hopeless gesture.
“How’s Landon?” I stroke Brayden’s hair gently, speechless with the grief they must be experiencing.
“Pretty messed up right now, but he’s trying to stay strong for her.”
“What about Zander and Nora? Do they understand anything about what happened?”
“They’re at Mom and Dad’s right now. We all decided to just tell them that we don’t get to keep the baby anymore. Neither would understand what really happened if they actually knew anyway,” he says softly.
“What about you?” I ask, my voice hardly a whisper.
His eyes stare into mine as he says. “There was so much blood, Anna. And she wasn’t breathing. I thought she was dead.” My arms wrap around his shoulders tightly as his face crashes into my chest, sobbing in broken, mournful cries. The tears I’d been holding start falling silently for Brayden, for the pain he’s feeling. Each sob breaks my heart a little more and the only thing I can do for him is stay right where I am, holding him.
I should’ve been here Friday. I should have noticed that something was wrong as soon as he turned up at school.
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