by Drew Hunt
“Leave it to you to hit the nail right on the head.”
“I’ve got to be careful, the US Navy isn’t exactly gay friendly.” Peter stirred his coffee.
“You poor thing. It must be so hard to find real, long-lasting companionship.” Corey put a hand on Peter’s knee.
“About Bud.” David shot Corey a warning glare. “That’s why you’re here after all.”
“Sorry, yes. Bud asked me to speak with you. He hated the way things were left between you.”
“He was cheating on me. Or his wife, or both of us. Hell, he was married, for Christ’s sake. Why was he pursuing other men?” David took a deep breath. He knew getting upset over the matter would be counterproductive.
“Yes, I know,” Peter said calmly. “And he’s sorry. He always becomes most upset when he talks about you and how it ended.”
“Not half as upset as Dave was, let me tell you,” Corey put in.
David wasn’t pleased at how freely his friend seemed willing to impart such personal information. “Corey!”
“Sorry, love, but it’s true. That bastard nearly did you in.”
“I’m sorry. If it’s any comfort, Bud suffered, too. That was one of the reasons why he volunteered to go on a tour of Iraq.”
“Huh?” David hadn’t figured Bud would be at all upset about what had happened between them.
Letting out a deep breath, Peter said, “You know that Bud was raised in a series of group homes?”
“Yeah, he told me,” David said.
“Lisa was a fellow orphan. Bud, like he always did, kind of acted as a big brother to her. And, well, things between them grew, but Bud realizes now that he never was in love with Lisa, not like he was with you.”
David, who had taken a swallow of his coffee, was seized by a fit of coughing. He sprayed the coffee all down his shirt.
Peter jumped to his feet to offer assistance. “You okay?”
“Think so,” David wheezed and got to his feet. “Please, I need to put on a clean shirt.”
David left the room, coming back a few moments later after changing.
Returning to his seat, David apologized and motioned to Peter to continue.
“From what Bud has told me, and from what I’ve observed myself, Lisa isn’t the kind of person who can survive alone. She needs to have the strength of others around her. That’s why when she found out that Bud wouldn’t ever return to full fitness, she lost interest in him.”
“The bitch!” David said without thinking.
“Oh, she is. And I can usually get along with most folks,” Peter said.
“So,” David said, trying to assess the situation. “Bud has asked you to get in contact with me to see if I’d be agreeable to take him back?”
“Well, um.”
“Because if that’s the case, I’m afraid you’ve had a wasted journey.”
“I think most of all Bud wants to apologize, make amends for how things were left between the pair of you.”
The visit continued for a while longer, but David remained adamant in his resolve not to go visit Bud in the hospital.
Once the meeting concluded, everyone got to their feet and made for the door. Corey, David noticed, had his eyes firmly fixed on Peter’s ass.
“In case you change your mind, this is my card. If I’m not available, you can always leave a message and I’ll—”
“I’m sorry, Peter, but I can’t see myself changing my mind over this. Please give my regards to Bud, tell him that I hope he manages to make a full recovery. But I don’t want to see him or speak with him, or—”
“I understand,” Peter said, still holding out his card, which David felt obliged to take.
* * * *
Well, you sure did change your mind, David thought, opening his eyes, only to see Camp Pendleton ahead of them. His stomach tied in knots, he wondered whether he was wrong to have had a change of heart.
“You got that pass Peter sent you?” Corey asked.
“Yeah.” David handed it to Corey, who showed it to the MP guarding the main gate.
Once they received clearance, they were allowed to enter. After a number of wrong turns, the pair found themselves outside of Bud’s ward.
“I’m so pleased you could make it,” Peter said, looking tired. David assumed he’d just come off night shift.
“Yeah. I’m still not convinced that I’m making the right decision.”
“I understand. Bud got very emotional when I told him that you’d agreed to visit. I should warn you that he’s still not in the best of shape, and as I said, he’s prone to outbursts of emotion. I think some of it has to do with the post-trauma syndrome he’s suffering.”
David’s need to care for those less fortunate started to kick in, making him less nervous about seeing Bud again. “Where is he?”
“I’ll take you through now. Please, Corey, would you wait here? I think Bud and David need to be alone for a while.”
Corey looked as though he might protest, but this soon changed when Peter told him that he’d just come off duty and was offering to spring for breakfast.
Bud’s single room was Spartan in its clinical, antiseptic simplicity. The morning sunlight streaming in through the open window fell across the bed. Lying there, Bud seemed so small and vulnerable that David began to cry. David’s sniffs alerted Bud to the fact that he had a visitor.
“David.”
“I—” The speech David had worked out in his head about how much Bud had hurt him, used him and lied to him, died on his lips.
“Will you come in and close the door?”
David hesitated. He wasn’t sure now if he should. He felt that if he stepped into the room, all his resolve would be lost.
Turning his penetrating brown eyes at him, Bud silently pleaded with the older man. David saw overwhelming pain, sorrow and regret in those eyes. Acting as if he were on automatic, David came into the room and shut the door. Seating himself in the chair next to Bud, he observed the man who had made him run the full range of emotions from absolute joy to the darkness of total despair.
Finally breaking his silence, David asked, “Why didn’t you tell me you were married?”
“I couldn’t. When I first met you at that motel, I thought it’d just be a one-nighter. We’d have anonymous meaningless sex, then we’d go our separate ways, never seeing each other again.”
“So why did you stick around? Why did you offer to come to my place to show me how to use my gym? Why did you keep coming back? Why did you let me fall in love with you? Why, Bud, why?” David was crying again.
“I’m sorry. David, I’m just so sorry.”
“Yeah, right. I was just an easy lay for you. The poor bastard who was too old, too unsure, too ugly to be able to find someone real. I fell for all your lies. All the bullshit about how I was special. God, you must have laughed your ass off at how I threw myself at you.”
“No, Dave. No. It wasn’t like that at all.”
“I don’t believe you.”
Bud’s hand reached out and took David’s. The latter tried to pull away, but Bud’s grip was too strong.
“David, the reason why I offered to come to your place, to help with your work-outs, why I kept coming back time after time…the reason was that I’d fallen in love with you.”
“But you were—are—married.”
Bud sighed. “I know. Trust me, babe, I know.”
David winced at the term of endearment. “So why?”
“Why did I fall in love with you?”
David nodded.
“Because you’re amazing. You’re just so, so…fuck, I’m no good at this shit. David, your vulnerability, your gentle, warm quietness, it got to me. I’ve always been a real sucker for helping people who aren’t strong. But hell, you are strong, just not in a physical way.”
“That’s crap.” David wouldn’t allow himself to fall for Bud’s smooth lines. “Aren’t those the same reasons why you fell for Lisa? Wasn’t she vulnerable,
and pathetic and…” David found it hard not to screw up his face at mentioning her name.
Bud had no such reservations. “At first I guess. But David, please believe me when I say that if there were ever two more opposite people, it’s you and her.”
“Huh?”
“David, I absolutely promise you that this isn’t a line of bullshit. Where you are kind, Lisa is mean. Where you are giving, she’s calculating, always taking. Selflessness versus selfishness. Your vulnerability is real, it’s honest. But with Lisa it’s just an act to get what she wants. David, the last thing anyone could ever call you is a user. But she,” Bud started to get upset, “she’d sell her own grandmother if she could to get what she wanted. She doesn’t care about anyone except herself. But you, you always put other people before yourself.”
David, despite his earlier resolve, couldn’t fail to be moved by Bud’s words.
“You said earlier that you loved me.”
“Promise me that if you go away from this visit and believe only one thing I’ve said, then believe that I did love you. Remember the first time I came to visit you?”
“I can hardly forget.”
“Remember that I’d gotten up early the next morning and wanted to leave?”
“Yeah, that really hurt.”
“I know. Do you know why I wanted to leave?” Bud went on before David could answer. “Because I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“Well, you did.”
“I know. Jesus. I’d already fallen in love with you. But because I was married, I knew I couldn’t ever be what you needed, what you deserved.”
“I see. So why did you come back?”
“In many ways I wish I didn’t. Shit, this isn’t easy to explain. When I was with you, it was like I was able to be who I really am inside, a gay man, wanting, needing the love of another man. With you I felt free, real. But then I’d have to go back to my other life, my married life, my life as a Marine. I felt guilty that I was cheating on Lisa, I’d made promises to her, which though I meant them at the time, I found them more and more impossible to keep. When I was with you, I hated that it was only temporary, and I’d have to go back to my other life. I know I used you, pretending to be something I wasn’t. Though I always showed you the person I really was, or would like to be. Shit, I said this was difficult.”
“No wonder you got drunk when you came back.”
“Yeah. It was the stress of trying to live two different lives. One I really wanted but could only live briefly, and my other, far less satisfying, which I had to live most of the time.”
David remained in the chair, holding Bud’s hand. His mind was all over the place. He’d come prepared to hate Bud, to provide closure to a part of his life that had ended. But now…he shook his head, not knowing what to think, what to say.
“I’m so sorry you saw those tickets to Palm Springs. Hell, I would have taken you there, I’d have enjoyed it a hell of a lot more than with Lisa.”
“They were for you and Lisa, not another man?”
“Hell no! Since I met you, there’s never been another man. Since you, I’ve hardly ever had sex with Lisa. How could I when I’d experienced the ultimate with you?”
“Stop trying to bullshit me!” David began to rise from his chair.
“It’s true. I swear it’s true. I planned that trip to Palm Springs just to shut the bitch up. She’d been getting at me for all the times I’d been spending away from her. Hell, part of me wanted to use the vacation to tell her that I wanted a divorce, so I could be rid of her, and maybe then I could make a go of being what you deserved. But at the last minute I chickened out. We spent most of the weekend screaming at each other. Nothing was ever right for her. The bed was too hard, the food not hot enough. I’ve never hit a woman in my life, but I sure as hell came real close to it that weekend. I called you up a couple of days later ‘cause I just needed to see you, be with you, have a taste of what I wished I could have all the time. But, well. You know what happened.”
“Yeah.”
The two lapsed into silence. Through the open window, David could hear birds chirping. There were also the sounds of voices as people passed by. Somewhere there was a radio tuned to a soft rock station. The volume wasn’t high enough for David to recognize what was being played.
Eventually David looked back at the bed, at its sole occupant appearing small and vulnerable. Bud’s chest, his beautiful wide, thickly haired chest, was covered in a series of bandages, their whiteness contrasting starkly against Bud’s coffee-colored skin. Bud’s complexion seemed dull, lacking its usual glowing patina of health, of virile strength.
“Do you know how much longer you’ll be in here?” David asked, breaking the long silence.
“Not sure. Another week maybe.”
“Then what, back to Lisa?”
“Hell, no! I’m not gonna contest the divorce, she can have whatever she wants, not that there’s much. I just want to be rid of her, to make a clean break.”
David nodded. “Where would you go then?”
“I’ve been talking with Gunny. He’s asked me to go live at his farm in Oregon. I could work a little, once I get strong enough.”
David came to a decision. Looking directly at Bud, he asked, “Would you come and live with me?”
Bud’s eyes opened in surprise, his hand tightening over David’s. “You mean, after all I put you through, after I lied to you, used you as a comfort blanket, you’d still want me?”
David could feel tears pricking at the back of his eyes. “You said a while ago that if I were only to believe one thing you’d said, it should be that you always loved me.” Clearing his throat, David asked, “Bud, do you still love me?”
“With all of my heart.”
Chapter 8
Bud’s recovery was slow. He wanted to run before he could walk, jump before he could skip. He constantly railed against his enforced limitations. At times things between him and David were strained, but David never lost faith that Bud would heal and regain his strength.
Many times Bud would cry. David thought at first it was due to the physical pain he knew the man must be feeling. Bud admitted that though this was partly true, he also found it hard to deal with the fact he’d been given a second chance with David, a chance he refused to believe he deserved.
David was always at Bud’s side to comfort him during the nights when he would wake up screaming at the unseen specters that haunted his dreams. David wanted Bud to see a doctor, but Bud refused.
“I see enough damn medics what with the physical therapists, the occupational therapists, my primary care physician, the doctors back at the base. I ain’t adding a fucking head shrinker to the list.”
Peter had been a regular visitor with Bud and David. His relationship with Corey seemed to be going from strength to strength. David had made sure Corey had asked Peter if he had a wife, boyfriend, or a horde of kids hidden away somewhere. Fortunately Peter had no such skeletons in his closet. It was on one of Pete’s visits when David confessed that Bud kept suffering from nightmares.
“I’m not surprised, though I would have thought his meds would have helped take the edge off. What are his current dosages?”
David showed him all the pills Bud had to take.
“Where’s the Zoloft? I know he was taking it at the hospital. I’d be surprised if the doctors had taken him off it so soon.”
Both men went to the bedroom, where Bud had gone to lie down. After close questioning, Bud confessed that he’d stopped taking his anti-depressant.
“What the hell for?” Peter demanded.
“‘Cause of the side-effects. I got a dry mouth when I took it. My vision got all blurry as well. And most of all, I don’t want to take head-shrinking pills.”
This led to a major argument between Bud, David, and Peter. Peter told Bud that if he didn’t want to take the pills for his own sake, then he ought to do so for David’s. “Don’t you think you owe him that much? Do you think it’s okay to h
ave him worry himself over you waking up screaming every night?”
Bud just lay there, a sour and petulant expression on his face.
“I’ll tell you this much, Francis Williams. If you were my boyfriend and you were behaving like this, I’d kick your sorry black ass out of my house. But because he’s,” he pointed at David, “so devoted to you, he won’t ever do that.”
“I don’t want to take the fucking pills ‘cause they stop me from getting hard!” Bud yelled. “They rob me of what little manhood, what bit of dignity I’ve got left.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?” David asked, sitting on the bed and wiping away Bud’s tears.
“How could I tell you something like that?”
“You’re a fucking dumbass, Williams,” Peter said. “Look at this man. He’s David, your boyfriend. The guy who used to wipe your shit coated ass when you couldn’t twist round to do it yourself. How much more fucking personal can you get than that?”
“Peter, stop it. You’re upsetting him,” David said.
“And you’re babying him.”
“That’s because I love him.” Turning to Bud, David said, “But, honey, Peter is right, you should be able to tell me about things like this. Don’t forget it was the keeping of secrets that got us into trouble last time, remember?”
“I know. I’m sorry.” Bud started to cry harder. David hugged him as much as Bud’s wounds would allow.
“It’s all gonna be okay. I promise we’ll get through all this together. We make an invincible team, you and me.”
“Bud,” Peter said more softly. “There’s a shit load of other anti-depressants that you can take. Some of them have been proven not to cause impotency.”
“I didn’t know,” Bud said in a small voice.
“Machismo!” Peter sighed. “You’d prefer to suffer the night terrors rather than admit you couldn’t get it up? I swear, Marines make the worst patients. I knew I should have become a vet like Pa wanted me to.”
Bud laughed. “You’ve got the right bedside manner for it. Plus you’d enjoy sticking your arm up a cow’s shit chute.”