by C. J. Harte
Mia just nodded and sipped her coffee.
“You said you didn’t want kids until you got involved with Natalie. What changed your mind?”
“Are you asking for you or are you asking for information?”
Teri turned on the couch and tucked her feet under her. She could stare at Mia without feeling obvious. “I just want to know more about you. You started to tell me about how you got together and that Michel was just a part of Natalie.”
Mia leaned her head against the back of the wicker chair. “By the time we moved in together, I knew I wanted a life with Natalie and Michel.” A corner of her mouth went up. “It wasn’t easy that first year. Michel was one and walking and we rarely had time to make love. She would do things, little things, every day to let me know she loved me. Sometimes it would just be a hug. Maybe it was getting up and fixing coffee for me. She even hid small surprises in my shoes or coat pocket. When she knew she would be gone for a week or two, she would arrange to have something delivered to me, at home or work, every day until she got home.” Mia turned away.
Teri could see her wipe a tear away. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
When Mia turned back, Teri could see tears glistening in her eyes. “When she was brought back to Paris, she was conscious for only a couple of days. Each day she asked if I had gotten my surprise.” Tears were flowing freely now. “She was dying and she was concerned about my gift.” Mia wiped the tears and stood up. “I’m sorry, but I need to shower and get dressed.”
Before Mia could leave, Teri grabbed her hand. “Mia, please don’t go.”
“Why? I’m sure you have many more important things to do than listen to me talk about Natalie, Michel, my parents, and me.” Mia was angry. “Teri, why don’t you just go back to work today? Leave after breakfast and just stay away.”
“Because there is nothing I want more than to be with you. I made a promise and I’m trying to keep it.”
“The same way you spent time with me in Maine?”
“No, this is different.”
Mia put up her hand. “Stop! You have important work to do. I know. Work will always be important to you.”
Teri was struggling not to raise her voice. “That was true. Not anymore,” she said. “You work.”
“You’re right, but I’ve learned to put things in perspective.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means I’ve learned to make time for what is important in my life.”
“I’m trying.”
Mia walked back into the kitchen and sat down. “I was once like you, so afraid to commit, I kept ruining relationships.”
“This has nothing to do with my working.”
“It does. You work so you don’t have to make an emotional commitment to anyone or anything.” Mia finally looked up at Teri. “You wanted to fire an employee just because he or she brought a problem to you without an answer. You don’t even stop to consider the person involved. What makes me think you’re going to consider my feelings or needs? Any time I’ve disagreed with you, you’ve nearly bitten my head off.”
“That’s not true!” Teri stopped. Her voice was raised. “Sorry. I just proved your point.” Teri bent down near Mia. “Mia, I love you. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. What more do you want?”
“Love, Teri. Unconditional love. I want to be your number one priority. Natalie changed my life. She loved me unconditionally. I know what that feels like, and I’ve promised myself I wouldn’t settle for less. Especially now. I need to know that I can depend on the love and support of my partner. To be honest, Teri, I’m not sure you know what unconditional means.” Mia walked past Teri. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to shower before my family gets up.”
Teri watched Mia walk away. Deep inside, there was a faint nod to the truth of Mia’s words. Even her sister and brother had accused her of the same thing.
Teri went back to her room. She might as well finish her e-mails while Mia got dressed. She sat at her laptop but couldn’t work. Instead, Teri saw a huge void opening in front of her. It was a world without Mia. Teri bargained with herself. “I’m sure there will be more time after the merger.” Yet, she was fairly sure that Mia wasn’t going to give her another chance. She was the one who had come to Mia, begging for a chance. The first day she really spent away from work and she was so overwhelmed by all the challenges Mia faced, she was ready to run away.
A sadness seemed to envelop her. The last time she had felt this depth of despair was when her grandmother died. Her parents told her not to cry. She was a Stanton and Stantons didn’t cry. Teri felt a tear slip out. She wiped it away.
CHAPTER FORTY-NINE
Mia’s father wasn’t feeling well. Mia offered to stay and work at home, but Teri promised to stay with them. Mia hoped Teri would keep this promise. After their argument the day before, Teri had been attentive and charming. Mia had no doubt that Teri was still staying up late and getting up early to work, but she saw no sign of the cell phone or iPad during the day. The fear for Mia was that Teri’s commitment was to work and not to people. Halloween was just three days away, and her life had been in flux from the first day she had run into Teri. She needed some stability, some routine. She needed to know that her family would be okay. It was time to make a decision.
She would wait until the others were asleep and talk to Teri. She didn’t need any more drama and trauma in her life. She needed a commitment.
Michel ran up to her the moment the door was opened. The look on his face banished any morose thoughts. “Mama, come see what I did today?” He pulled her into the kitchen where his backpack and school papers covered the table. Her parents were sitting there admiring his drawings.
“Michel, you are magnifique!” She looked at another picture and then another. Michel smiled and ran to the table.
“I can draw one for you,” he said, grabbing another Magic Marker.
Mia smiled at the earnest expression on his face. She could see Natalie in his determined look. Mia felt guilt creeping in. She wished she had told Natalie more often that she loved her. She wished she had more time with Natalie to love her as deeply and unconditionally as she had been loved. Mia looked at her father and wished she had noticed sooner how thin he had become and insisted he do something sooner about his chronic upset stomach. Too many “if onlys” began to weigh her down.
Teri walked into the room. She was actually dressed in jeans, hiking boots, and a silk dress blouse. Mia would have laughed if she hadn’t reminded herself that Teri was another of the “if onlys” creating the guilt.
“Sorry about the outfit. It seems that the markers are permanent. My tan trousers are now much more colorful. Michel was trying to teach me to draw, and I was holding the paper on my lap.”
Mia couldn’t tell if Teri was going to cry or laugh. In either case, Teri was attempting to reassure Michel. Mia was again teetering on indecision.
*
Both her parents and Michel were asleep by eight thirty. Mia sat in the rocker with her coffee. She waited for Teri to come into the living room. She took a deep breath. “Teri, we need to talk. You’ve done so much for me and my family. I can’t thank you enough.”
“You’re welcome, but why do I feel like there’s a ‘but’ coming?”
“I have no doubt your intentions were good when you asked me to marry you. I can’t.”
Teri quickly sat up. “Why not? Mia, I love you.”
“Because you and I are too different. We want different things. We have different expectations out of what we want in life. You don’t have the time for a family and family responsibilities. You don’t have time for me.”
“Of course I have time. Why do you think I took time off? I almost have this merger under control, and there have been complications.”
“Exactly. You’re still working. I bet you were on the phone or on the computer when I got home tonight.” The look on Teri’s face confirmed Mia’s suspicions. “You’re finding time for
us rather than making time for us.”
“Oh, come on. We’re parsing words. I’m here, aren’t I?”
“The difference is that you’re fitting us into your schedule. You’re finding a time slot and scheduling us in.”
“That’s not true. Ever since you arrived here in August I’ve been making time for you.”
This discussion was getting old. “Yes, you’ve spent time with me and my family, but work has always been minutes or seconds away from whatever we were doing. You were on the phone or your computer or iPad. When you make time, you decide that something is your number one priority and everything else is put on hold. You block out time and you don’t allow anything or anyone else to interfere unless it’s an emergency.”
“Is that what Natalie did? Was she making time when she got herself killed?”
“No fair.” Mia felt as if she’d been slugged in the gut. “Yes, that’s what Natalie did. It’s not any of your business, but she had already told her boss that was her last field assignment.” Mia swallowed down the anger, guilt, and sadness. This was about Teri, not her past. “Since I ran into you in August, work has occupied almost everything about you. I never felt like I was the center of your attention.”
She stopped. That was not completely true. “Except for the times we kissed. For those few short moments, I felt you were there with me.”
“I’m making time for you.”
“For too many years, I carried scars, ones from my teen years and you.” Teri looked like she was going to interrupt. Mia held up her hand. “No, I need for you to listen. When I was fifteen, you accused me of leading your brother and other boys on. The reason the boys followed me around was because I had this almost obsessive crush on you.”
Mia looked down at her jeans and then back up at Teri. “You were my first love. You have no idea how devastated I was that night or how long I carried the humiliation, guilt, and anger.” She was staring back down at her pants, picking at imaginary threads. “Natalie helped me to realize that I deserved love and I was a good person. I deserve better, and I demand more. The day I first saw you, I was well on my way to letting go of my past and you. Since then, I’ve allowed myself to be pulled back into some kind of approach-avoid relationship with you. I’ve too many other challenges to deal with. I don’t need someone in my life who can’t decide whether or not she wants me, and all my family, in her life.”
Teri sat quietly for a couple of seconds. “Are you done?” Mia nodded. She was sure she was in for a harangue, but Teri hadn’t interrupted; she needed to do the same.
“First, you were fifteen and I didn’t have a clue that you were gay, much less that you had a crush on me. You were just a kid hanging around my brother. You can’t imagine how awful I feel and how much I regret that night.”
Teri stood and stuck her hands in her jeans pockets and just as quickly took them out. She sat back down. Mia wondered if Teri was struggling with an apology. No, won’t happen in this lifetime. Or the next.
“Mia, I haven’t done anything but work for at least the last dozen years. I don’t have a lot of experience with…with…I don’t know how to show what I’m feeling and balance work.” Teri sat on the floor by Mia’s feet. She rested one hand on Mia’s knee. “The reason I’m still working on the merger is because I’ve been trying to keep Pamela Milton from taking any position of responsibility after the merger.” Teri’s jaw was tight and anger radiated off her. “When I heard what happened to you that night of the party, and why, I was furious. Once I knew you were okay, I went to the office and started Bren and the rest of our legal staff and our HR people to work to make sure Milton was not part of the deal.” Teri took her hand. “I was so frightened that night. I can’t remember ever feeling that way, except when my grandmother died.” Teri took a deep breath. “I admit being responsible for”—Teri waved her hand to encompass the house and its residents—“all this scares the bejeezus out of me. Not seeing you scares me more. I don’t know what the difference is between what you think I’m doing and making time, as you call it, but I’ll figure it out.”
“You’re postponing the merger because of me?”
“It’s on indefinite hold, actually. The Miltons are insistent that father, brother, and sister will have some high level position. They want Pamela to actually be vice president for marketing in the western region. I’m now looking at other possibilities.”
“Teri, you’re throwing away a billion-dollar merger? Why?”
“I don’t want you to ever have to deal with Pamela Milton again.” Teri’s voice was firm.
Mia almost wanted to laugh. “What makes you think I’d ever have cause to see her again?”
“Because that night, I realized that I wanted you in my life, and I wouldn’t have Pamela Milton or anyone else hurting you. I couldn’t take the chance that, if we became involved, that she would bother you again.”
Mia was confused. Teri was blowing a fortune. For her. Yet, except for the proposal, there was little to indicate any real romantic interest. She stopped. No, she had seen desire in Teri’s eyes more than once. Was it possible Teri was as emotionally challenged as she claimed? “What’s your dad going to say? What about Bren and Jeremy?”
“My siblings are finally proud of me for doing what’s right instead of what’s most expedient or will make the most money. My father is furious. I have until the middle of November to walk away from the merger without any penalties.” Teri reached for her hand. “Mia, you scare me. Being responsible for your folks scares me. Being around a kid scares the hell out of me. Please don’t make a decision about us just yet.”
A tornado was brewing in the middle of Mia’s chest. This was twice that she had resolved to let go of Teri, and now she was again reconsidering. Would she ever get Teri completely out of her life? Or was Teri meant to be a part of her life?
“Please.”
Mia leaned her head against the back of the chair. She believed that things happened for a reason. She had to. There had to be a reason Natalie came into her life so suddenly and then left just as suddenly. Maybe there was a reason why Teri had shown up that day in August.
“Mia, I need to ask. Are you still in love with Natalie? The only reason I ask is that twice you’ve called me Natalie. If you are, tell me and I’ll be gone tomorrow.”
That was something she didn’t expect from Teri, offering to leave if she loved someone else. Could Teri really not be as selfish as Mia once believed? Teri was squeezing her hand so hard it was beginning to hurt.
“I apologize if I called you Natalie. I don’t remember that, but I know I will always love Natalie. She’s the one who taught me how to love. Her love made me a better person and able to let go of the anger and hurt.” Teri withdrew her hand and leaned away. “I often had to apologize to Natalie for calling her Teri. Usually, I was half asleep and so exhausted I couldn’t think.”
“If it’s any consolation, you were drugged the first time and half asleep the second.” Teri hesitated. “Should I leave?”
Mia took a deep breath. Her next words would either send Teri away for good or keep them both wondering what was going to happen next. “Stay. I’m not sure of what’s going on between us, but there is definitely something going on.”
Teri’s face lit up. Happiness radiated out and warmed Mia. Whatever happened in the next few weeks, she was glad she had asked Teri to stay. At least for now.
“Thank you.” Teri stood and pulled Mia out of a chair. “You said that the only time you felt I was present was when I was kissing you.” Teri leaned in and kissed Mia.
This was not a brief kiss. Mia forgot everything but the feel of Teri’s lips. When Teri’s tongue danced around her lips, Mia opened her mouth and felt Teri’s tongue fill her. Mia slipped her arms around Teri’s neck and pulled her closer. A moan escaped. Mia had to pull back. “You are definitely here.” She sounded breathless. Mia smiled. Teri had taken her breath away.
“What just happened?” Teri’s hands we
re on either side of Mia’s face.
“You kissed me.”
“You kissed me back.”
Everything was forgotten except the warmth and smell of Teri. “Kiss me again.” Mia didn’t wait. She found Teri’s mouth and began to hungrily explore. Teri’s hands were sliding up and down her back under her T-shirt. “My mother sometimes gets up in the middle of the night to get something to drink. I think we need to go someplace more private.”
“Are you inviting me into your bed?” Teri’s breath against her ear sent shivers up and down Mia’s body.
Mia could only nod. She was not ready to let go of Teri’s mouth. She needed to feel all of Teri. At this moment, she needed Teri as much as she needed air.
“Are you asking me to sleep with you, or do you have any something else in mind?” Teri’s hand was now moving around on Mia’s hips.
Mia grabbed Teri’s exploring hand. “I’ll try to let you get some sleep.”
Once the door to her bedroom was closed, Mia’s reserve disappeared. She had made a decision. She was moving forward. Mia had misjudged Teri. Her own anger and hurt had closed her heart to the one person who could finally heal old wounds. She pulled off her top and was just beginning to pull off her sweatpants when Teri stopped her.
“Mia, I’ve wanted to make love to you for so long and now…”
Mia placed her arms across her chest. She couldn’t believe Teri was having second thoughts. “And now?”
“I want to make sure you are making love with me.”
“There are only two people in this room.” Mia’s arms went around Teri’s neck. “I’m well aware that I invited you here. I find this a little surreal. I’ve spent so many years trying to get over you, and now I’m jumping into the deep end. So take me to bed or hand me my shirt.”
Teri had already begun pulling Mia’s sweatpants off. “You’re beautiful.” Teri’s hands were running up and down her body.
“Why am I the only one without clothes on?” Moments later Teri was undressed and Mia was kissing her way across Teri’s chest.