by Haywood, RR
‘Nick showed me,’ Lilly says, hesitating before taking the pistol, ‘Lenski…I don’t understand.’
‘Show me you know to use gun,’ Lenski demands, nodding at the pistol in Lilly’s hand.
‘Lenksi…’
‘Show,’ Lenski orders.
Lilly looks at the doctors who shrug and show as much confusion as she feels. With a sigh, Lilly holds the pistol in two hands and moves closer to the lamp. She presses the button on the side of the butt, releasing the magazine which she slides out into the palm of her waiting left hand. She pockets the magazine and slides the top back, turning the weapon over to drop the chambered round out onto the low table. With the safety on she puts the pistol down and pulls the magazine from her pocket. The bullet from the table gets slotted back into the top and she presses down, remembering every word Nick said as his hands worked over hers, showing her the movements. Push the top bullet down, feel that? More pressure means the magazine is full, less pressure means it’s not full. Yeah? He smiled when he said that. His white teeth framed in his tanned face and that strong jawline. His eyes so hard. The eyes of a killer but vulnerable, wounded and brave all at the same time. She could have stared into his eyes forever. Always check though he said, nodding at her as he spoke and moving closer so his broad shoulder was brushing against her. Always check, take them out and put them back in so you count the rounds…Dave said we have to do that…so we know when we’ll run out. It feels a hundred years ago now. The warm sun on them. The heat of the streets and the fear knotting in her stomach that Billy was in danger but somehow Nick made it better. It was the worst time of her life but the best too. Those snatched minutes with him. The kind way he spoke and how he kept trying not to swear and then apologising when he did swear. He said he would save Billy and he did. How do you do it? She asked him, having already seen him slide one out but wanting to keep his hands on hers for as long as possible. Like this. Together they slid the rounds out, counting them off until the last one popped out and into his rough calloused hand that was so gentle in the way he touched her. What now? She asked and he smiled that shy grin. Put them back in. They did it together and she knew Nick wanted to let her go so she could do it herself but she also felt his reluctance to release her hands.
‘Eight,’ she says sadly into the dark room with the glow from the lamp reflecting from the glistening tears in her eyes that blink quick and heavy. ‘He’ll have another magazine.’
‘Will he?’ Anne says, dropping down to gently roll Maddox as she feels the outline of his pockets, ‘yep, got it, here.’
‘Thanks,’ Lilly takes the magazine, pressing the top and feeling the pressure. The actions harden her resolve. She picks the pistol up, slams the magazine in, yanks the slide back and holds it out to Lenski, ‘Loaded made ready, safety on.’
Lenski blinks. An almost imperceptible nod. ‘You keep. We go quick.’
‘Lenski, I don’t know what you mean,’ Lilly says, lowering her hand holding the weapon.
‘They see…they see Maddox and…’
‘Who?’ Lilly asks.
‘Crews, they see. They see Maddox go down. They see Howie leave. There no number one now…’
The implication hangs heavy. The realisation hitting Lenski as the weight of the situation grows heavier.
‘What?’ Andrew asks, his voice showing irritation at the garbled almost coded way Lenski speaks.
‘The crews,’ Lenski whispers, ‘They no have number one now…Maddox is number one…Darius number two. Maddox is…is here…Darius is dead…Jagger is dead, Mo Mo gone with Howie. Howie not here…I not number one. They no see me as number one. They see Maddox as number one…They take the guns…they see who number one now…’
‘They’ll take over?’ Anne asks, a disbelieving tone in her voice. ‘Tell them Maddox is fine and just needs a rest.’
‘They see,’ Lenski says louder, ‘They not stupid. They see him…his hands do this,’ she shakes her own hands imitating Maddox’s tremble. ‘They see him shit in pants…they see Lani do this…they see weak and they take…we go quick,’ she says, switching her gaze to Lilly. ‘We get gun for me and we go quick. We strong. We no be weak now.’
‘Lenski, what…’ Lilly falters, trying to understand what Lenski is trying to say.
The Polish woman curses softly. The intricacies of the crews, the way they are, the hierarchy, the power vacuum created and the need for one of them to take control…she can see it, feel it, she knows it but she cannot translate it.
‘Kurcze,’ she purses her lips, thinking hard, ‘Maddox he see the Bossman and…’
‘Who is the Bossman?’ Andrew asks.
‘Stop interrupting, Andrew,’ Anne says with a warning tone to her voice.
‘The Bossman he make kids like this. He sell the drugs yes? He make the drugs and he sell the drugs…he make kids be this way…Maddox was number two to Bossman yes? Bossman attack Maddox. Maddox kill Bossman. Maddox number one now. Maddox strong. He clever. He clean. He no use drugs. He think smart yes? He see kids and crews and bad way and he know to change but he smart and he know to do it…slow…yes? He change and make better. The dogs in desert yes? What you call these…’
‘Dogs?’ Anne asks.
‘The dogs that do laughing. They take weak and…’
‘Hyenas?’ Andrew says.
‘Yes. These. Crews, they these animals. They no have…they no go school….they no loyal or…they no Howie! Yes? They young and what they know is bad…the Bossman he make them this way…’
‘They’re all bloody dead,’ Andrew points out. ‘Or lying back there cut to bits…’
‘No. Many they left. Many older that quick and run when Lani blow up. Sierra. She out there. She see Maddox go down. She see Darius head shot open. They get guns. They take over. We go quick. We no weak,’ she looks to Lilly, nodding rapidly with the fierce determination of knowing what must be done. ‘You shoot them…like Lani…yes?’
‘What? No!’ Lilly steps back with disgust evident on her face.
‘Yes! We do this. We strong. We no weak. They see weak they take. They dogs laughing. They take weak.’
‘They’re just children,’ Anne says.
‘No. One on own is children. They together they not children. They kill many times. We go quick. I get gun. We no let them have gun. We wait for Maddox to be awake yes?’
‘Lenski,’ Andrew says, closing his eyes as every minute of this new day just gets worse, ‘Maddox might not wake up…’
‘He wake,’ Lenski says, growling the words out. ‘He strong. Maddox no die. He strong. We go now.’
‘Lenski,’ Lilly blurts, running after the woman who turns to stalk out of the room, ‘Lenski wait…’
‘We no wait. We quick. We get guns…’
‘Lenski I cannot shoot a child…I don’t know if I can shoot anyone…Lenski, wait…’
Her words are ignored as Lenski walks briskly through the rooms. Adrenalin starts to course and thrum through Lilly’s limbs. A shuddering sensation of pressure building. Of one danger passing as yet another presents itself. I’m fifteen. I can’t do this. ‘Lenski, please wait…’
‘We go quick,’ Lenski repeats without turning. ‘Get guns…lock guns…fix hole in wall…’
I can’t shoot a child. I have to look after Billy. Why me? Why do I have to do this? I wish Nick was here. I’m only fifteen. I’m not an adult. The speed of the walking makes her mind flit back to the time spent with Nick and the field in which they kissed when she offered herself to him. His lips. Soft. His hands and arms. Strong. His manner. Gentle. His eyes. A killer. He could have taken her. She would have let it happen but he didn’t. That’s not our way. We do the right thing. Mr Howie said we have to do the right thing otherwise none of this is fucking worth it…shit! Sorry, Lilly, I keep swearing.
That warm feeling inside when she thinks about him vanishes at the sudden rush of reality at the building pressure of a confrontation yet to come. She has seen the crews and the
pack instinct is within them. The way they only take heed of each other and those they perceive as stronger than they. The deference they hold for Maddox and Howie’s team but the sullen skulky way they stare at everyone else. The way they suck their teeth and curl their upper lips as they spit and look aside with disdain and disrespect.
Down the main aisle she rushes after Lenski. Watching the Polish’s woman back and knowing inside that everything Lenski said makes sense. The children on their own are nice, even polite sometimes. Lilly knows, without vanity, that she is pretty and has seen the difference in reaction at the way the boys are to her in contrast to their reaction to others but that physical appearance won’t hold sway now. Individually she could talk to them, maybe get them to understand and comply with consent but together? While they have that pack instinct and false bravado running through them? No way. Not a chance.
I can’t do this. I can’t. I wish Nick was here. He’d be strong and they’d see his hard eyes that are never hard when he looks at her. In the old armoury she took them coffee and mops to clean the dog mess up. She kissed him then too. When Maddox was coming and Howie and the others all scooted back. She grabbed Nick and kissed him with an effort to give pretence to why she was taking so long. Only it wasn’t pretence and she felt first his shock, then his acceptance and finally his yearning for her. Nick. Come back. Please come back. She knows Howie’s team have lost Lani and must be reeling from the pain and shock. The sheer exhaustion too of everything they have done. Of all the battles, the fights, the running and never giving in. Doing the right thing. Do the right thing. That’s our way. Nick’s way. It can be my way too. I can do the right thing. I must do the right thing.
Resolve comes back. Her back stiffens. Her eyes harden and the knuckles of her hand turn white from the pressure applied to the gun held ready. Do the right thing. Those children cannot be allowed to take control.
‘We be quick,’ Lenski says, slowing briefly as she reaches the exit door and turns to look back at Lilly, ‘you be ready, yes?’
‘Yes,’ Lilly mutters the word, nodding once and firm. Whatever it takes. Do the right thing. I wish Nick was here. I wish Mr Howie and Clarence were here. Paula, even Cookey would know how to do this. Any of them would. But they are not here. I am.
Into the strong light they go. Into the outside world of death and filth. Of bodies still lying where they fell. Of tents still smouldering and a hole in the wall gaping through to the sea on the other side.
Behind Lenski she steps out and looks first right to see a youth wearing black ramming a magazine into an assault rifle as his mates adjust the slings on theirs. She steps further out to see three girls yanking the bolts back on rifles and Sierra striding through the fort with a group gathered round her handing out the guns taken from the new armoury.
Too late. They’re armed. Her eyes scan the perimeter seeing the numbers of potential opposition. Too many. Everything balanced on that knife edge again. Every action taken could spark a devastating reaction. Her mind in overdrive. Thinking. Planning. Calculating the paths ahead and which one to take.
Movement to her left. An adult woman with dark hair who was up the top with the children on the wall now standing and looking sadly down at the bodies of those taken from the hospital.
Lilly glides behind Lenski, using the Polish woman to shield the sight of the pistol in her hand. The youths see Lenski and that recognition spreads as they stop to stare over.
‘Too many,’ Lilly whispers behind Lenski.
‘Gun. Hide it,’ Lenski mouths, turning her head a fraction.
Lilly moves quickly to the woman with dark hair, passing the gun from her right hand to her left to hide it from view.
‘Hey,’ Lilly says, naturally and softly but her eyes lock on the dark haired woman and pass a message so clear and evident. The dark haired woman blinks at the penetrating gaze locked on her. ‘You okay?’ Lilly asks, glaring fiercely with an expression that conflicts with the soft tone of voice.
The woman nods, unsure of what to do as Lilly closes the gap and leans in as though to hug her. The woman can’t move back as the bodies of the dead children are right behind her. She stays still, feeling as Lilly reaches her right arm up and round her shoulders to draw her close.
‘Take it….hide it…’ A whisper in her ear and something hard pressed into her hand. With instinct she grips onto it, knowing instantly what it is. Lilly pulls back, that yearning in her eyes, ‘Hide it…’
The woman nods quickly and shoves the pistol down the back of her waistband before pulling the tails of her filthy checked shirt over to hide the shape of the gun bulging out.
‘Go up…don’t let anyone see it.’
The woman nods again. A small almost frantic motion of her head bobbing up and down. She swallows and looks past Lilly to Sierra and the youths all ranging out dressed in black with guns held in their hands.
‘Lenski,’ Sierra calls out, stopping metres away and her voice sounds rough, hard and cold. ‘Where’s Mads?’
‘See you up top,’ Lilly says at normal volume moving back from the woman who quickly turns away.
‘He sick,’ Lenski replies, sullen and staring.
‘Sick?’ Sierra asks. Everyone listens. Everyone watches.
‘He was tazered several times,’ Lilly says, moving to Lenski’s side, ‘He passed out…the doctors are with him now. I think he’ll be fine…just needs a rest. Is anyone else hurt?’ she asks looking round at the youths, ‘the doctors can check you if you need it.’
‘We’s fine,’ Sierra says. Holding her ground with some of the crew chiefs gathered round as she stares over, glowering and full of menace but empty in her eyes that have seen too many things. The image of Darius’s skull exploding right in front of her replays over and over. His brains coating the front of her shirt. The shards of his skull sticky on her hands as she wept silent tears.
‘Good,’ Lilly says, taking care to keep her tone neutral. ‘We need to get that hole in the wall fixed and the children up there need food and water…and this place is a complete mess.’
‘We’ll sort it yeah,’ Sierra says, her tone flat.
‘So much to do,’ Lilly says, papering over the cracks and the tension mounting as everyone watches to see the power game play out. ‘Bodies.’
Sierra scowls, a fleeting expression that wanes as quickly as it came, ‘Bodies?’
‘Where do we put them?’ Lilly says heavily. ‘We can’t leave them here. What was Maddox’s orders with the bodies?’ She slips it in without confrontation. A reminder to all that Maddox is the one who gives orders. Maddox is number one.
‘In the sea,’ a youth calls out. ‘With rocks and shit so they sink down, you get me?’
‘I see,’ Lilly says politely, letting her accent play off against the youth in a playful gesture. ‘Well, the sea it shall be then. Lenski? What’s first?’
The tension rises again as Lilly draws Lenski into the conversation, waiting to see if Sierra will accept what the woman has to say.
‘We do wall first,’ Lenski says with a deep sigh as she folds her arms. ‘This mess. All of this is mess. Sierra, we need guard yes? On wall and on gate, yes? I fix wall you guard, yes?’
‘How you gonna fix the wall?’ Sierra asks, still not blinking or moving.
‘I not know this. I not builder. We find the people in here who know this. We fix wall, we clean mess.’
‘I can go and find someone,’ Lilly offers, ‘if that helps? Sierra? You okay with that?’
The girl flicks her eyes from Lenski to Lilly. The gun held tight across her chest. A curl of her lip and her head inclines an inch, ‘Liam, you take the gate yeah?’
‘Yeah,’ Liam says from the side.
‘Zayden, you’s get a few watching that wall,’ Sierra adds, ‘where’s Maddox’s gun?’
‘Pardon?’ Lilly asks, stepping forward as though to hear better.
‘His gun. Where is it?’
‘No idea,’ Lilly says, glancing ove
r at Lenski, ‘I didn’t see it…maybe he dropped it or it fell out…’
Lenski shrugs with a gesture both non-committal and disinterested.
‘Could be anywhere, Sierra,’ a girl says looking round at the ground by her feet.
‘Whatever,’ Sierra says and the tension breaks as she looks away.
‘Right, I’ll go and see who I can find to fix the wall,’ Lilly says. ‘Lenski? Are you coming with me?’
Lenski shows no reaction as Sierra walks off but simply stares hard with her arms folded tight across her chest.
‘Tense,’ Lilly mutters.
‘No. We fix wall then tents.’
‘No I meant it was tense.’
‘Yes,’ Lenski says finally taking her eyes from Sierra to look at Lilly, ‘I know this. We fix tents later.’
Five
It feels like every pair of eyes is on her. It even affects the way she walks. Her arms swing unnaturally and she yearns to reach back and check the gun is still there. She knows it’s there. She can feel it. What if it falls out? What if it slips? Everyone is watching her. Every single pair of eyes in the fort are scrutinising her every step and they can tell just from her gait that she is guilty of something.
The worry knots in her stomach as she starts the incline up the ramp and curses as the gained height means she’ll be even more visible. She wants to turn and hand the gun back to Lilly. Why did she take it? She only went down to see how bad it was and if they could get some food and drink for the children. Oh god. Everyone is staring. She knows they are. The urge to turn and look is so strong but she walks on with heavy legs and arms that swing weirdly. Like at a comedy show when you try and sneak out for the toilet and the performer stops the show to call you out. That’s how it feels. Like everyone is watching and staring.
She does turn. The urge is just too great and she risks what she hopes is a casual glance back, as though she is simply looking round from benign curiosity.
No one is watching. Nobody. Not one person is actually looking in her direction. They’re all fixed on the stand-off between the hard looking girl with the rifle and Lilly and Lenski. Words are being said but the distance and the blood pounding past her ears blots them out.