Reckless (Finding Ava)

by Jennifer Loren

  “Three years old and a pony?” My mother said as she approaches me from behind.

  I smile at her, “And your point is?”

  “A little spoiled don’t you think?”

  “Not in the least, you know damn well Dad would have done it for her if he had been here.”

  Mom gives me a glancing smile, “Well you are just like him so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised,” she said laughing when Lillah waves at us, squealing happily.

  “Now how can you say no to that face?” I asked her.

  “I couldn’t but I don’t have to, I’m grandma, I’m supposed to give in.”

  “Ah, and what did grandma get her?”

  “I got what every three year old needs”

  “Which is?”

  “A car.”

  “A car? Mother you didn’t?”

  “Not a big person’s car, a little jeep battery car she can ride around outside, a silver one to match her mother’s car.” I force a smile as I turn back to watch Lillah. “How is Ava by the way?”

  “I don’t know, she won’t talk to me.”

  “It will get better”

  “I don’t think so mom, she …” I shake my head. “She is intent on punishing me.”

  “Punishing you? What did you do?”

  “Please mother.”

  “No Sean, tell me, what did you do to cause any of that to happen?”

  “I brought them into our lives for one. I did the jump to cause her to be in that hospital, I put her and my …” Breathing heavily I look up to the sky to regain composure.

  “Sean, none of that has anything to do with what happened. If it wasn’t for that woman you two would be looking forward to your life with a newborn right now.”

  “She would have never come near Ava if it wasn’t for me.”

  She grabs my face and forces me to look at her, “Sean you listen to me, what happened is not your fault and it’s not Ava’s. You will overcome this, both of you. You only need some time, some understanding, and a lot of communication.”

  I laugh, “Well communication is not happening mother, she barely looks at me.”

  “Don’t worry about that, it will happen. I’m sure of it,” she smiled kissing me on the cheek before returning inside.

  Lillah played all day, overjoyed by the attention. The biggest joy for me was watching her open presents and blowing out her candles. She claps for herself as she looks at Ava and I for approval. She and Collin take turns riding on the pony, both laughing and being so cute that none of us could stop laughing at them. Even William with Ethan’s help, sits on the pony for a bit, or at least until he tries to eat his mane. By the end of the day, we have to put Collin and Lillah to bed, neither making it to their beds before falling asleep. I help Ava clean up, smiling and feeling pretty good about the day when I notice Ava watching me. “What?”

  She shakes her head and smiles, “Nothing.”

  “Okay,” I mumbled.

  “Sean?” I am shocked to hear my name come from her mouth. “You’re an incredible father, Lillah couldn’t ask for any better.”

  I stare at her astonished, “Thank you.”

  “You really are, I watched you today, and you handled everything perfectly. I wish I could …” She walks away before finishing and I am not about to push her.

  Ava steps out of the shower and crosses my path. Sitting on the edge of our bed all I want to do is make love to her. Taking off my own clothes is a task in itself I am so overcome, ignoring her naked wet body is something else entirely. She comes to bed running her hand down my back and if I hadn’t noticed her before I suddenly become abundantly aware of her presence.

  “Your bandage is gone, are you feeling better,” she asked softly and seemingly seductive in my state.

  “I went to the doctor and they said I was fine.”

  She works her fingers through my hair, “Your head and all?” My eyes roll back in my head.

  “Yes,” I said roughly.

  “That’s good.”

  “Uh huh,” I don’t look at her and I hold tight to the edge of the bed as her seductive breaths echo in my ears. She is silent and I think maybe she is going to bed but she reaches out to me again. Her touch so soft and warm I can barely breathe. It has been almost two months and I am distressed and hungry beyond words.

  “Sean?”

  “Uh-huh.” Oh please let her…

  “I don’t blame you, you know? Your mother said you blamed yourself but it’s not your fault,” I sit silent vibrating with want. She slides closer to me, her warmth radiating, “I’m sorry, I have treated you the way I have. I didn’t mean to be that way to you, I never wanted to hurt you,” she said reaching for the back of my head caressing me. My desire exceeding my ability to control, I turn around to look at her sweet face smile innocently at me and that is all I can handle. I grasp her face finding her lips and sucking on each of them as I pull her down onto the bed. In an instant, I pull her shirt off, sucking on her breasts and feeling my way up her thighs to pull off her remaining piece of fabric. I rip off my pants and underwear in one move and without moving from her. Pressing my lips to her soft skin, grasping for her body to be closer to mine. I move up to her mouth again and hesitate long enough to look into her tear filled face. “Stop Sean, please stop,” she says as I stare at her and my stomach twists into pieces.

  I breathe hard as she sobs underneath me. I move off her to crouch at the edge of the bed. “Fuck! Damn you Ava!”I yell grabbing the nearby pillow and tossing it across the room. “I don’t get it. I don’t fucking get it!” I stand up staring at her, unmoved by her sobs. “I need my wife Ava, I need you to get over it already!” I scream at her until she looks up at me.

  “Fuck you Sean!” She screamed at me. “Fuck you!” She approaches me smacking me anywhere she can reach and I take every hit. Her anger increases and I continue to take it until she collapses to the bed in front of me crying and screaming. “I’m so sorry,” she said shockingly. “I’m so sorry Sean, I don’t know why I did it.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  Teary eyed and drained she looks up at me, “I gave up, I gave up. I don’t want to be without you and she said they were taking Lillah, and they all hated me and blamed me for you and for the baby, that I thought I had already lost. I gave up once the nurse confirmed it. I know you said not to, but I did,” suddenly her eyes meet mine. “I’m so sorry Sean it’s my fault, it’s all my fault. I didn’t want be without you and I thought it didn’t matter anymore. I thought I didn’t matter anymore.” Her broken demeanor crushes my soul.

  I take hold of her focusing in on her eyes, “Ava it’s not your fault. You were lied to and …”

  She shakes her head, “It is, and you know it. I have seen it in your eyes every day and I hate myself for it, more than you could ever hate me Sean. Please believe me, I hate myself more than you ...”

  “Ava damn it, listen to me. I don’t hate you, and it’s not your fault. Your focusing on things that aren’t real, you need to start focusing on what is, what you have now.” I stare at her fuming, “Like your daughter! Like me! Damn it Ava. Your friends, family that all love you. You have thrown all of us away because you feel sorry for yourself.” She looks back up at me as I scream at her. “Have you considered anyone else at all? Or have you only thought about yourself? You fucking bitch! It’s not just you in this Ava. It is not only you suffering a loss.” I let go of her, gripping my head. “Damn you, I have needed you so much and you let me suffer alone because you hurt. Do you not think I feel the loss? That I don’t feel the pain you feel?” I throw up my hands, “You know what forget it. I’m sorry I …” I shake my head and grab my clothes and shoes darting towards the door.

  “Sean don’t leave.”

  “Ava, what do you want from me? I can only do so much for you.”

  “I only need some more time.”

  “More time? Wow does that sound familiar.” Her eyes hardened as she refocuses on me. I
lean down into her face. “You know what Ava? You are just like your mother and that scares the hell out of me.”

  “My mother? What do you know about my mother?”

  “I know plenty, I know she didn’t have a simple car accident like you said,” she stares at me with a confused expression. “Don’t tell me you don’t know what I’m talking about? Your mother Ava! You know the woman that committed suicide because she lost her husband. She killed herself leaving her sweet little girl behind like a coward. Your mother couldn’t handle it, because she was weak and pathetic.” Ava smacks me hard, her face changing instantly to horror and I know right then … she really didn’t know. “Ava I … I’m sorry I thought you knew.” Falling into bed she hides her face from me. “Ava, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

  “Get away from me!” She screamed pushing my hands away from her.

  “Ava?”

  She pushes me again, “No get away from me.”

  I sit away from her, my head in my hands while she cries hysterically. After I swallow the huge lump in my throat, I leave, driving for hours, waiting for her to fall asleep.

  Chapter 26

  Ava

  I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, missing him from the moment he left the room. It only took a few minutes spent with his mother to realize that I had been unfair to him. Mary has never been one to mince words. Her harshness towards me in privacy, although shocking was understandable. I have been horrible to her son. It took me awhile to recover from her brutal attack but I showed no signs in front of anyone else, especially Sean. When I watched him all day with Lillah and Collin, I was in awe. His smile was joyful and wonderful towards each of them and they loved him. Both of them grabbing hold of his neck and arms anything to be near him. He obliged their every want to be near him, even carrying both of them at one time as he spun them around in the yard. Their laughter should have been mine but my guilt overshadowed any possible joy I could have. And now to know the truth about my mother. I suspected but never questioned out of fear. Sean struck hard and deep and not realizing how deep he was striking me. I don’t want to be her. As soon as I hear him approach, my heart beats hard against my chest. I close my eyes and pretend to be asleep, waiting for him to get into bed. He curls in near me, careful not to touch me. I look up at him slowly as he lies on his back.

  “I thought you were asleep,” he said glancing my way.

  “I can’t.”

  “Maybe you should … hell I don’t know what you should do.”

  “I can’t sleep until I tell you one thing, make one promise to you.”

  “Which is what?”

  “I’m not my mother Sean, I am stronger than her.” I said watching him turn towards me with a comforting hand to my cheek.

  “I know,” he whispered.

  ~

  After a long night, I am anxious to get a shower, my body feels tight and sore. Once in the bathroom I realize why, the bruises on my body are the imprints of Sean’s hands. In his desperate attempt to reconnect, to awaken me to his fears, he was unaware how forceful he was with me. I was unprepared for his eagerness, I can’t imagine what he must have been going through waiting for me to come back to him. I step into the heated shower trying to find strength within the pressure beating down on me. At the end, I wrap in a towel and walk out immediately running into Sean, causing me to stumble backwards. He catches me and I grab hold of him releasing my towel to the floor.

  “You okay?” He asked holding me securely.

  “Yes, thank you,” I said reaching down for my towel but he stops me. I shy instantly as he examines body.

  “What happened to you?” I shake my head ignoring his question. “Ava?” Sean let’s go of me stepping back as he continues to gaze over me before raising his hand to my waist, matching his hand perfectly. “Oh God.” He stumbles backwards staring at me wide-eyed.

  “It’s not a big deal, I barely felt it.” I said to try and ease his obvious guilt.

  He raises his arms over his head fisting the back of his hair.“I didn’t realize what I was doing to you.” He said continuing to back away from me, “I can’t believe I would do that to you.”

  “No Sean it’s …” He turns away from me running towards the other side of the bathroom vomiting.

  I watch him hurt and beaten down, and I want so bad to help him. I go to his side with a cold cloth washing his face and his neck. “It’s okay, I’m okay I promise.”

  “It’s not okay,” he said pulling away from my arms.

  “Sean it is, you didn’t hurt me, and certainly not nearly as much I hurt you.” I cradle him to my body. “I know you didn’t mean to handle me so roughly. Please don’t push me away Sean.”

  “You did that already.”

  “I know that now, just don’t …” I look down fighting for the right words. “I love you so much and I thought you blamed me.”

  “Why would you ever think that?”

  “I saw it in your eyes, you were disappointed in me.”

  “Ava you were attacked and under pressure like no one should ever be, especially in the condition you were in. I should have never put you there.”

  “No, I should have never been there.”

  Sean shakes his head, “Ava I should have known that you would have been and I should have honored my promise to you. It’s my fault …”

  “Stop!” I yelled at him causing him to jump. “Stop talking about whose fault it is, apparently neither of us is perfect. Can we just put it behind us?”

  Sean looks me in the eyes, “Are you sure?”

  I nod, “Yes, I am. I don’t want to feel guilty anymore and I certainly don’t want you to feel that way.”

  His eyes soften as his hands creep up my arms to my face, “I love you, and I want you to be happy. But Ava if you need something more than me to get through this, please tell me.”

  “Maybe. Maybe I do, and I will get it, if you will stop blaming yourself?”

  His eyes are so strong and reassuring. “I will do that. Let me know if you need me to go with you?” I nod. “Good,” he said reaching down for my hand, kissing it softly, “Maybe when I get back from L.A. in a few weeks we can go to Ireland and get away for awhile?”

  “I would like that very much,” I said wrapping myself around him completely.

  ~

  Sean is arriving back from L.A. at noon and I am there at ten to wait for him. We are supposed to leave for Ireland tonight and I can’t wait. My therapy sessions were helpful and after finally admitting that I am scared to get pregnant again, scared to lose another child, that’s when I realized why I have been pushing him away.I smile anxiously when he catches sight of me. He instantly rushes to me with the warmest of embraces. His smile is wonderful, and his arms around me, deepen my joy. I crush my head into his chest as Ethan and Randy pass by, both calling out my name. I wave them on, not wanting to move from Sean’s arms.

  “Are we good Sean?” Randy asked before leaving.

  “Yes, be sure you check in with Ethan and both of you let me know how it goes.”

  “We’ll let you know,” Ethan said exasperated with him.

  “Ethan, I’m serious let me know the minute it’s all done.”

  “We will let you know the minute it’s all done. And I will break out the victory cigar with you from …” I feel Sean motion to him and I look up at Ethan as he eyes me smiling. “Don’t worry Sean, it’s handled. Your big brother, always has it handled.” Sean rolls his eyes while Ethan laughs. “Just let me handle it. You know it will be my pleasure to.”

  “I know but I kind of would like to handle this one myself.”

  “You have more important things to worry about. Besides we both know It’s best you are nowhere in sight,” Ethan said back to him.

  “What’s going on?” I asked watching them both talk secretly to each other. Sean looks down at me pulling me closer to him, “Ava don’t worry, it’s only a couple of business issues that we are taking care of.” He kisse
s me, “Let’s go home.”

  I nod walking with him to the car. “You will never guess what I did today?”

  He smiles, “What’s that?”

  “I bought some new things for the trip, some things I think you are really going to like.”

  “Really?” Sean raises his eyebrows as I smile even bigger. “I can’t wait to see them,” he winks at me.

  ~

  We arrive tired but happily when we see the beautiful old cottage restored perfectly. My design of the old place was rough but a few visits here with Kyle gave me enough information to create what was needed and still hold true to the original design that we loved so much. It was our home that helped pay our small firm’s way for awhile, so it is even more pleasing to see it done spectacularly. I wondered why Kyle seemed so silent before I left, he being the last one to see it completed. With every step towards our home, I become more excited. It is gorgeous, welcoming and posses a charm like no other. Our first night we acclimate the boys and Lillah to the new surroundings. The boys easier than Lillah, they chase the geese instantly upon seeing them and other wildlife, announcing their presence to all. Sean and I sit out on the porch watching the boys run wildly, as Lillah fall asleep in my arms with Sean’s arm stretched out around us protectively. The first night is easy, calm and with no expectations. It is the next day I feel the pressure.

  I watched Lillah play all day, chasing birds and laughing at the boys chasing the geese. This was our time together and it is my job to make sure she is too tired to interrupt us tonight. Sean is spending most of the day out golfing with some of our new local friends while I spend the day preparing for our night alone. As nervous as I am, I am even more anxious for it to begin. Dinner is on the table, candles light up the room and my soft white dress hugs my body gently enough for me to feel comfortable. I look down at the boys after reviewing my setup one final time. “So what do you think? Over the top or just right?” Barely moving from their lounge positions they both give me an acknowledging cock of the head. “Yeah, right. It really doesn’t matter does it?” The sound of Sean pulling in makes my heart skip a beat. Just breathe. I rapidly search the room for the right place to be when he enters. How ridiculous, I don’t know where to be, how to be, how could I have not considered that? Like a fool I choose to hide as if I am suppose to jump out and yell surprise at my own husband for no damn good reason. Hovering around the corner and embarrassed by my own stupidity, I wait for him - hoping, praying tonight will go smoothly. I hear him enter the house and make his way into the dining area, pausing silently for longer than I would have expected. I walk from around the corner and his eyes find me instantly. “Surprise?” Ugh - idiot.