by Ali Parker
"Fucking four o'clock. Why didn't you wake me up last night?" He lifted his arms to the ceiling and stretched.
"Because you were exhausted, man." I grabbed two cups, but he stopped me.
"None for me. I've already had a pot to myself."
I chuckled. "What are your plans today?"
"I need to get ready for that meeting tomorrow morning, but I can do it later tonight. Why? You wanna go do something."
It was nice to have him there. The older we got, the more I appreciated the relationship we had between us.
"Yeah. I want to go look at places. You think any real estate agents work on the weekend?" I poured myself a cup of coffee and forced my thoughts away from Erica. I always seemed to return to that same place, wondering how she was, what she was doing, fuck, what she was wearing.
"All of them do, dill weed." He walked around the counter and sat down at the breakfast table. "My favorite place for Sunday brunch is a few miles from here. Let's go stuff ourselves with French toast and bacon and then go look for a house."
"You don't think I'm rushing into this, right?" I walked to the table and sat down across from him.
"You're asking the wrong guy, Matt. You know when I find something I want, I take it. I'm not real good with this bullshit concept called patience. It's a time waster in my opinion."
I nodded. "I hear that. Alright, then, let's grab some food and go find a beautiful place for me to surprise Erica with."
"I like it." He stood up and walked toward the living room. "I'm starting to like Zek here. What kind of dog is he?"
"He's my kind of dog. You can't have him." I walked down the hallway, ignoring his jabs. My heart hurt as I thought about Erica missing out on having a close family like I did. I'd just continue to pull her deeper and deeper into mine. With her mother and brother being the only living relatives she had, and both of them treating her like trash, she needed a new family.
And she could have mine. It warmed me to think about opening myself up and giving her anything she could wish for. Why in the world had I been so scared of love, of her, for the last few years? It seemed like such a stupid waste of time now that she was mine.
"Let's go, princess!" Damon banged on the door, jolting me.
"I'm coming. It takes a minute. Chill your nuts, man."
"I'm telling Erica that you're talking dirty to me." He chuckled.
I got dressed quickly and met him in the living room. We got Zek put up and made our way over to the restaurant with him driving his newest rental toy.
"So? What did you think?" He nodded toward the Mercedes as we got out and walked toward the overly fancy restaurant.
I was a Honda and McDonald's sort of guy, so anything I said would be a twisted truth. "Drives like a... car." I laughed as he popped me in the chest.
"I swear. You don't enjoy any of the beautiful things in life."
"Sure I do." I held the door and walked in behind him. "Erica has me thinking about houses and kids and all sorts of beautiful stuff."
He gave me a sideways look, obviously not talking about anything emotionally beautiful. "Right."
"I'm going to run to the john. I'll meet you at the table."
"Meet me at the buffet. I'm starving." He walked away, and I glanced around looking for the bathroom. After finding it, I walked in and stopped to text Erica. Not talking to her for the last twenty-four hours was driving me bonkers.
I wasn't usually so damn needy, but with all of the shit with Mitch and her being so sensitive to whatever she was hiding, I needed to know that she was okay.
Hey, baby. I'm at breakfast with Damon but wanted to see if you were free this evening. It'll be around four or so. I just miss you. I want to see you. To touch you. Hold you. Make love to you all afternoon. Tell me how the event went too when you get a chance.
I stood there in the bathroom, staring at my phone, wanting to see the little bubbles at the bottom of the screen start to move. Nothing.
"Where are you?" I asked softly as my heart ached in my chest. Maybe I was over thinking it. I had to be.
She wasn't going to answer. Maybe she was still sleeping. I dropped the phone in my pocket and walked out to find Damon sitting at a table for two with far too much food on his plate.
"Are you really going to eat all of that?" I stopped by the table and gave him a look.
"Yeah. Get your own trough." He smiled and pointed to the buffet. "They have anything a man could want. Go enjoy yourself."
I turned and walked toward the food as my stomach tightened. They didn't have what I wanted. I wanted my girl beside me. I needed to know she was alright. If she didn't text me back by the time breakfast was over, I was headed over to her place to check in.
Looking needy was a pet peeve of mine, but my pride could suck a toe. She knew I loved her more than anything else. It was my right to check on her, or so I told myself.
*
"Why are we going by Erica's?" Damon gave me a sideways look as we got back in his Mercedes, both of us so full that it hurt to walk.
"She's not responding to my text." I shrugged and got in the car, buckling up. "She went to some art event last night and was sick over having to see Mitch there."
He let out a sigh and pulled away from the restaurant. "I don't understand what the fuck Mitch has to do with all of this."
"Did you at least look into him?" I barked and glanced over to pin my brother with a hard stare.
"Yes, and he's the same guy I told you he was. He lost his wife, he's devoted to dad, and him and his kid don't really get along, but that's pretty normal, Matt. What were you thinking I was going to find?"
My phone buzzed, and I pulled it out like it was on fire in my pocket. Erica's text was short, but at least she was texting.
We need to talk.
I put the phone to my ear to call her. It rang five times and went to voicemail. What the hell?
"Alright. So are we going to look at places or what?"
"Yeah. Let's go over to that big reality company by the office." I was glad he had changed the subject from Mitch. I was sick over Erica not answering my call, but I wasn't about to let my brother know that I was freaking the fuck out.
We pulled up to the reality company a few minutes later, and I'd mentally fucked myself a million times with what could be going on with Erica.
"I need to run up to the office first. You want to come up or stay here?"
"I'm good here." I leaned back in my seat and forced my face to be as expressionless as possible.
"Alright." He reached for the door and paused. "You okay?"
"I've been better, but I'm good. Go do what you have to do and then we'll head over to the reality company."
"Hang tight. Be back shortly." He got out of the car and walked away as I let out a long sigh of relief.
I reached up and turned the air on high, wondering what the fuck to do. Should I try and call her again?
Jonathan. I'd asked Jonathan to go to the event the night before. He'd be the best way to check up on her without making her think I was getting obsessive, which I was. A little.
I dialed his number and pressed the phone to my ear as I tapped my foot. Nerves tore up my stomach, and I knew I was going to be sick whether everything was fine or if it wasn't.
"Jonathan Luntz."
"Hey. It's Matt. How are you?"
His normal upbeat tone was all but gone. "Matt. I'm good. We're just heading out for brunch. The wife loves to indulge a little on Sundays, and the place just down the road from us has fresh berries and whipped cream. I always go for the champagne, but I like to live a bit buzzed."
I forced a chuckle. "Well, I won't keep you. I just wanted to check in on how things went last night. Erica hasn't texted this morning, and I'm feeling like a pussy for wanting to call until she picks up. She's just been so off lately."
"Right." He paused, and I grew sicker. "She was at the event last night."
"And?" I clamped my teeth together. Was I going to
have to pry out of him what the fuck happened? "Was she herself? Did you guys talk."
"She wasn't at all herself, and yes, we did talk for a minute."
"Jonathan. What's going on? You're repeating everything I'm saying. Did something happen?" I gripped the door handle beside me and tried to find enough air to breathe.
"Look, man, I don't know how to tell you this, and I wasn't supposed to have to."
"Tell me what?" A cold sweat broke out on my skin.
"She was there with Mitch Roberson. He works at the firm with her."
"Oh yeah." I let out the breath I was holding. "I knew Mitch was going to be there." I chuckled, but the sound was shaky. "She was a little upset about him going."
"No. I don't think she was."
"What do you mean?" I reached up and pressed my hand to my chest as my heart sped up again. "Just be straight with me, please. You and I have a long term plan of working together until we're both too old to lift a paintbrush. Trust is a big fucking deal to me."
"I understand." He paused again, and I thought I might have a cardiac arrest. Nothing good was going to come from the conversation. "She was with Mitch as his date last night, Matt. He had his hands all over her. They danced like lovers and held hands when they weren't dancing."
"No. You must have misunderstood." I opened the door and got out. I was going to vomit the minute we got off the phone. All I needed was for Damon to split my head open over barfing in his beautiful new toy.
"No. I didn't." He sighed. "I pulled her aside and reprimanded her."
"She knew you saw her and Mitch acting like they were together?"
"Yes, Matt. Every-fucking-body who was there saw them as a couple. I told her that she had to come clean with you today."
Her text. She wanted to talk. Fuck.
"Alright. Thanks, man. I'll touch base with you later this week."
"Matt-"
I dropped the call and ran for the trashcan, flinging the top off of it and losing everything I'd eaten over the last few hours.
How could she? How could I have trusted her?
Who the fuck fakes love the way she did?
"Matthew?" Damon's voice caused me to spin around.
A sob broke through me as I wrapped my arms around myself and closed my eyes tightly. This shit couldn't be happening to me. My father had been an adulterer, and so was my mother. She had a reason to strike back, but what was Erica's.
"Hey, buddy. Talk to me." Damon wrapped me in a tight hug and pressed his cheek to the top of my head as I let myself go. "I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere, man. "
“Did you know that dad cheated first?” I glanced up at him.
“Yeah, buddy. He told me a few days ago. Forget about that shit, okay? It’s in the past now. Just let out everything that’s fucking you up, and then we'll deal with it together.”
But there was nothing to deal with. I was a sucker.
All of my hopes and dreams disintegrated as I stood in the parking lot with my brother clinging to me. I shouldn't have fallen in love, and I would never make that same mistake again.
It hurt too goddamn bad to lose it.
No wonder she wanted to make Mitch into a villain to me.
It kept me from seeing the truth of her indiscretion and instead focused on him.
Fuck her. Fuck all of them.
I didn't need love, and I didn't need her.
It was stupid of me to think I did.
Chapter 12
Erica
The night before played in my mind's eye over and over as I lay in the bed that next morning. Mitch had been kind and almost sweet when we arrived at his big mansion by the water. The place was decorated warmly, from his wife no doubt. I couldn't have imagined losing someone I loved, and yet there I sat, at the edge of watching Matt walk away.
Mitch and I had shared a drink, and luckily for me, I had time to slip a few pills in his liquor, which was insanely effective. He got dizzy pretty quickly, and I pulled him down the hallway and pushed him back on the bed as he passed out.
It worked like a charm, and yet, I felt empty on the inside. What if he died in the middle of the night? What if Jonathan got to Matt before I did?
I needed to tell Matt everything. I had to.
After rolling around in my cold sheets until just before lunch, I finally pulled myself up and walked to the kitchen. Not having Zek there left the apartment filled with an uncomfortable silence. All I had was my thoughts, which were driving me farther and farther into a deep, dark hole.
I picked up my phone as it dinged with a new text message. Matt.
Hey, baby. I'm at breakfast with Damon but wanted to see if you were free this evening. It'll be around four or so. I just miss you. I want to see you. To touch you. Hold you. Make love to you all afternoon. Tell me how the event went too when you get a chance.
I wanted to respond, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t sure what to say just yet. He deserved a better woman in his life.
"I thought I was that woman." Confusion swept through me, but I dismissed it. There was no need to tear myself down just yet. There was still a small spark of hope that I could talk to Matt and explain myself. I was going to break the situation open wide for him to see and hear all of it.
Maybe he would understand. I'd done everything I'd done for him. It was a sick misunderstanding, but we could talk it through.
We had to. I couldn't survive without him.
My phone rang again, and I picked it up. My brother.
"Great," I mumbled before pressing it to my ear. "Hello?"
"Mom's not doing so good. I'm out of town and need you to get over there."
"Yeah, well, today's not going to work."
"Erica. For once in your miserable life get over yourself. So you and mom aren't close. So the fuck what. Get over there and sit beside her today. She needs one of us, and I'm tired of being the responsible one."
"Same song. Different verse."
He let out a long, disgusted sound as if his disapproval did anything to me anymore. He'd been dishing it out since we were kids. I was never enough for him or mom. "Just go."
"Fine, but it's your turn next time. Don't think I don't know why you travel, you cock head. There's no reason why you should be gone all the damn time," I barked into the phone and hung up.
Spending the day with my mother would be like opening up my veins and pouring salt in the cuts. There was nothing more painful than being under her scrutiny, no matter how calloused I thought I was to it.
After getting dressed, I paused and finally forced myself to text Matthew that we needed to talk. He tried to call after I sent my text, but I wouldn't have been able to talk. My heart hurt so fucking bad in my chest, and I doubted my goodness.
Tears filled my eyes. Even if I could find my voice, there was no way I was responding based on the mood I was in. I would have told him to find someone else, someone way better than me. He didn't need my drama, and I didn't need to push away the only good thing in my life.
I reached the nursing home and got out, locked the car door and walked as slowly as humanly possible to the front door. A new nurse greeted me as I walked in and asked to be taken to my mom's room.
"She's a little grumpy today, but she had an episode last night and didn't sleep well." The nurse glanced over her shoulder and smiled. "Are you feeling okay? You look a little under the weather yourself. You know we don't allow visitors if they're sick with anything, right?"
I almost agreed with her that I was, in fact, sick with something, but it would have been yet another lie to add to my long list of fuck-ups.
"I'm not sick. Just had a rough night of sleep." I paused behind her as my phone dinged in my purse. I pulled it out to find a text from Mitch.
I had fun last night. I don't remember much, but I'm sure it was incredible. Text me when you're up. I want to see you again.
My stomach twisted into a nasty knot. I wasn't going to text him back or see him again. He had to know that shit. Grate
fulness that he was alive swelled inside of me. All I needed was to add murder to my track record where unlovable and torrential fuck-up sat.
"Erica?" My mom sounded horrible like she'd chewed on glass that morning.
"Hi, mom." I walked around the nurse and moved over to her bedside. "Leon said you weren't doing so well."
Her eyes moved around my face a few times before looking out toward the window. "I think I upset your brother. He's not come to see me for a while."
"I doubt that, mom. He loves you very much." I wrapped my arms around myself as if trying to protect myself from the hell that was sure to reign down on me. Matthew had protected me from her wrath the last time I'd come to visit, but he wasn't there now.
Hell, he might not ever be with me again. The thought sent a cold chill down my back. What would I do if things didn't work out with us?
"And you? Do you love me?" She turned her head and bore into me with the same hateful stare I'd seen all my life.
"Of course I do." I was proud of myself for not skipping a beat.
"You're a terrible liar, Erica. You've got too much of your father in you." She cackled loudly.
I sat in a stony silence, not sure what to say or do. I had nothing left to give, and even if I had... she wouldn't have accepted it. My father's passing hurt her too much for her to be around me. I looked like him, acted like him, was him in feminine form.
"Everything okay in here?" The nurse poked her head in the room, and I glanced up, not realizing that an hour had gone by. We hadn't said another word to each other. There was nothing to say.
"Yes. My daughter was just packing up to leave." My mom turned her face toward the window. "Don't bother coming again. I know you don't want to be here, and you know I don't like seeing you."
"Mom-"
"Don't. Come. Again." She jerked her head around and narrowed her eyes. "Period."
I nodded and stood up, knowing better than to fight with her. I picked up my purse and walked to the door as an odd numbness settled in around me. I paused by the door and glanced back to see her one more time. She would die alone because my brother wouldn't make time for her and she refused to let me into her heart or her fucking room.