"No."
"If I could have changed places with my sister, I would have in a heartbeat. Why did I deserve to live and not her?" Jaylen asked. "All I've done is screw things up. I couldn't be a good enough son for Doran. I wasn't good enough as a paladin for Sola. And I wasn't a good enough king for my country. Now look at what's happened. The kingdom I loved is in ruins because I made the wrong call by going to Ka'tayl. It was a trap, but I rushed in, not thinking."
"Jaylen, none of that is your fault. You can't actually believe that your father would have ever shown his approval of you. You were a child, a baby who couldn't choose what family you were born into. No one gets that choice."
"But I had the choice to not kill my mother."
Kato stopped. She stared at him with her large brown eyes. "Jaylen? What are you talking about?"
He took a deep breath. It was time to come clean and confess what he had tried so hard to bury. "My mother is dead because of me. I've been lying to myself, to Zeriel, and everyone. I knew exactly how many pain pills to give her, but I tripled it."
"Why? Why would you kill your mother?" Kato asked, inching away from him. "I thought you loved her."
The hot tears spilled from his eyes. "I did. I still do, more than anything. Believe me, Kato. If I could go back and change anything in my life, it would be that night. Yes, I killed my mother on purpose. I'm a murderer. At thirteen years old, I was a murderer. I lied to everyone. I lied to the healer, to the king, to myself. I miss her. I miss her so much. She was beautiful and kind . . . but I took her away from this world that needed so much beauty and kindness. Now we don't have any left."
Kato took Jaylen in her arms and held him to her chest as she stroked his hair. "Just tell me why. Why would you kill your mother?"
Jaylen was crying uncontrollably now. "So I could be free. I needed to move on from all of the pain in my childhood. Leaving her alive was only hurting both of us. She would cry every night for hours. I heard her begging Sola to take her away, so I did what I thought Sola would want. I sent my mother to her."
"You got away with it? No one suspected you?"
"Not once." He held onto her as he trembled. "I almost turned myself in. I wanted someone to hold me accountable, but I knew that it wasn't the answer. That's when I knew I had to find whatever kind of forgiveness I could find. So I went to the temple and finally fully gave myself to the harshest and most demanding paladin training the clergy would allow. I worked so hard to be pure, to be . . . more than just a murderer. I say that I wanted forgiveness, but the only thing I truly wanted was to have my mother back. I had heard many times that Sola would answer prayers of the most faithful, the purest, the humblest of her followers. So I did everything I could to be that perfect follower. But as the years went by and my mother was still dead, I started to give up. I buried her memory under more and more layers of lies and false truths that I needed to hide that reality from myself. I will never be the paladin I've always claimed to be. A paladin is strong, brave, pure, and most of all . . . they are understanding. I didn't understand the gravity of my actions so many years ago on that night."
"You were young. You didn't know. You couldn't understand."
Jaylen pulled away from her and hid his face in his arms on the table. "I understood enough to know it was wrong. I understood enough to know that I had made the single biggest mistake of my life. Most of all, I understood enough to know that even Sola wouldn't forgive me. I would be damned, my soul ripped apart in Hell for all the demons to mock and destroy. That's where I will go when I die, Kato. That is why you have to move on. Move on from me, because the only thing I will give you is pain. There is a darkness inside of me that even Sola's rays can't purge. That darkness is one that I will take to the grave because nothing will ever be able to cleanse me of that sin."
"You can be free from this. Don't the scriptures teach of forgiveness for every sin?" Kato asked, rubbing his back comfortingly.
"Through atonement. There is only one way to atone for murder. A life for a life. Once no one needs me to help fight this war between us and Heaven, I will take my own life."
"Don't say that."
"I have to atone, and this is the only way."
Kato whispered to him. "Suicide is never the answer."
"It's not suicide if it's a death penalty. It's what I deserve."
"That's why you became so dependent on those pain pills. Those were the ones you gave your mother. You were trying to kill yourself because of her."
As awful as that was to admit, he had to do it. "Yes."
"But think of her for a minute. Is that what she would have wanted for you? Is this life the life she gave you to live? Your mother gave birth to you so you could do great things. No, I'm not a mother and I don't have any immediate plans to be one, but I do know that if Sola blessed me with such a wonderful miracle, I would want that child to grow up and do the best they could. I like to think that mothers have the same sort of all-encompassing forgiveness that Sola has. Your mother didn't die angry because of what you did. She forgave you, and I know that she loved you until the very end."
"If only I could still believe in fairy tales."
"Is that what the scriptures are you to now? Fairy tales?" Kato asked.
"I don't know what I believe, Kato. After all, my devotion to the scriptures has been based on selfishness and the need to be forgiven. I didn't do it out of love for Sola. I just wanted to be good enough to not feel the guilt anymore. But Sola never took that away from me."
"Did you ever think that maybe you needed to take it away from yourself first?" Kato asked. "Move past it, Jaylen. In the future, you can turn yourself in and pay for your crime if you still feel like you need to do that. But right now, your country needs you. Your friends need you. Most of all, Sola herself needs you. Leave your past in the past and do what you can right now. Who knows? Maybe you saving Heaven from Carvael is your way of gaining your forgiveness."
Jaylen looked up at her with tears still rolling down his cheeks. "You think so?"
"I do."
Chapter 13
Once Jeremiah landed in Fayng, he looked around at the emptiness. It was the middle of the night when the werewolves would generally be howling and racing through the streets causing all kinds of raucous, but tonight there was nothing. The ringing of his seraph bell had stopped about two hours ago and hadn't been heard since. He would have been here earlier, but he decided to find Cael a safe place to stay before coming here. For the first time, he was questioning his decisions. Jeremiah slowly made his way through the deserted streets where loose papers and leaves blew in the wind and came to rest on the untouched snow. No signs of a fight. No smoke in the clear air to distort the view of the stars that shimmered brightly overhead.
With no signs of life, he went to the liveliest place he knew. The tavern. That is also where he hoped to find Tristan. The doors were still open, but the main room was darkened. The fire in the hearth had long grown dark and the blaze had faded to coals. Smells of ale and the scents left behind from the musky patrons lingered in the air.
"Hello? Is anyone here? I can help if anyone will answer me." Jeremiah went to the stairs leading down to what appeared to be a cellar. "Hello? Anyone down here? What is going on? Tristan? Abby? Hello?"
Two small beds were against the far wall behind a stack of boxes. Those must have been where Tristan and Abby slept. But where were they now? Jeremiah sighed and turned back towards the doorway. Just as he was starting up the steps again, he stopped. A quiet and slow ringing caught his attention. If it hadn't been so empty in the tavern, he wouldn't have noticed. He spun around and looked harder into the darkness of the cellar. Where was the sound coming from? Jeremiah stepped around the boxes to see the young boy on the floor in a pool of dark blood.
Tristan was weakly shaking the seraph bell between his fingers. The life had all but faded entirely from his eyes. "Jeremiah . . ."
"Tristan!" Jeremiah took the boy in his arms and placed hi
s hand against the wound. "What happened? Talk to me. Stay awake, now. I can help you if you'll only tell what's wrong."
"I rang the bell . . . I rang it over . . . and over . . . you didn't come."
"I was busy."
"Busy? You said . . . Jeremiah . . . you lied to me."
The tiny silver bell fell out of the boy's hand and rolled across the floor where it came to a stop next to a pile of pink silk. Jeremiah then spotted the pale hand and the locks of black hair. It was a young girl who had been obviously strangled by the rope around her neck. Abby. "Tristan, I'm sorry. I was dealing with something else. Tristan?"
Tristan was motionless in the seraph's arms.
"Tristan? Tristan, I'm sorry. I didn't think it was that much of an emergency, or I would have come straight here. Let me help you. You're going to be okay." Jeremiah looked down at the boy. "Tristan? Tristan . . . I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. Did I . . . did I fail?"
The boy didn't respond.
Jeremiah laid Tristan down on the floor as a strange sensation swept over him. He failed a mission. Now the boy was dead and he had no idea what to do about it. He had never experienced this side of death before, but he knew that he didn't like it. It was time to send him. Jeremiah placed his hand on the boy's cold face and summoned his power. "Tarael, I'm sending you a precious boy. Please be gentle with this one. I think . . . I think this is my fault. He's young and he trusted me, but I let him down. Tell him . . . tell him I'm sorry."
Once he was certain that Tarael received the message, Jeremiah hugged Tristan one last time before picking up the tiny silver bell and going back upstairs. Something was wrong on the inside of him. He felt things, awful things. Those feelings were starting to eat at him, as if something had crawled into his chest and had started devouring every part of him. It hurt. Jeremiah clutched the bell to his chest as he took off into the sky. He had to get away from this place. The pain continued to grow and feel heavy as if a rock was crushing him. He couldn't stop thinking about Tristan. Was this guilt? No. It couldn't be. Jeremiah was convinced he couldn't feel human emotions. He started flying as fast as he could. Maybe he could escape it if he got far enough away.
After a quick stop to pick up Cael from the kind woman at the orphanage, Jeremiah took off again into the sky. There was only one place he could possibly find help. He was running out of options, so he flew across the Onyx Sea until he spotted the ship docked in the Avendale harbor. The truth was that Jeremiah was terrified that Kato was going to hurt him, but he had to talk to someone and figure this out. There was a group of people on deck dancing in the lantern light. Jeremiah headed lower and landed on the deck, stopping the dancing and the music in an instant.
A woman with curly black hair and a bandana stepped forward. "Can I help you?"
"Are you Kato?"
"I might be. Depends on who's asking. Who are you?"
"I am Seraph Jeremiah . . . and I've done a bad thing."
* * *
Kato poured the hot green tea into a tiny porcelain teacup before handing it to Jeremiah who sat with her and Jaylen in the cabin. "So, you're not here to kill us?"
"No. Not now, anyway. I was sent to hunt you down and bring both you and Divinus to Heaven to face the Angelic Court, but this happened." Jeremiah set the teacup down then untied the sling from his back and held out the cooing baby angel.
"Is that a baby angel?" Kato asked.
"Yes. He is now legally my son. His name is Cael."
Jaylen took the baby in his arms. There was something about him that seemed familiar. "He looks like one of my friends."
Zeriel entered the room and immediately stopped. "Cael!"
Everyone looked between each other. Jaylen held out the baby. "You knew about this?"
"Yes." Zeriel took his nephew and cuddled him to his chest. "Jeremiah, you look terrible. What happened?"
"Hold on. You two know each other?" Jaylen asked, confused.
"Jeremiah is the one who came and got me. He persuaded me to come out here to be with you, Jaylen. Without him, I would probably still be wasting away in that house. We then took Cael. I didn't want to say anything because I didn't know how Kato would react. But yes, Jeremiah is on our side."
"Even more so now." Jeremiah stared down at the floor between his boots. "I was attacked by the necromancer, Sulstair, and his angel, Axaniel. I believe that Carvael took Divinus. They were going to kill me, so I escaped."
"Why do you look so . . . sad?" Kato asked.
"It's a personal matter. I need to speak with you, Zeriel. I've been feeling emotions like a human. Does that mean I'm Fallen?"
"It is certainly a sign, though I don't know much at all about seraphs."
"Of course." Jeremiah held onto a tiny silver bell.
"What's that?" Jaylen asked.
"My seraph bell. It belonged to a very special boy named Tristan."
"Tristan?" Jaylen leaned forward. "Tristan Merith from Lorm?"
"Yes."
"How is he? Oh, this is great news. I'm so glad that he and his sister are all right. I was so worried after Vilyron fell."
"I've done a bad thing."
"You keep saying that." Kato sat next to the seraph and rubbed his back comfortingly. "Tell me. You can tell us here. No one is going to judge you."
"I gave Tristan my bell so that he could ring it and I would come to him in an emergency. He rang it. I didn't think it was an emergency until I got there too late. I think rabid werewolves took all of Fayng as slaves or something. Everyone in the capital city is gone. No trace, except for Tristan and Abby."
"And? How are they?" Jaylen asked hopefully. "Tell me they're okay. You have to tell me they're okay."
"Abby was strangled to death. I found Tristan with a bad injury to his stomach and he was still ringing my bell as best as he could. He died in my arms. His soul is in Purgatory with Tarael now."
Kato refilled her teacup. "This wasn't your fault."
"But I ignored the bell. I ignored Tristan's call for help for two hours. I didn't know how much he needed me. I think I'm a bad seraph."
"Because you are." The door opened and a tall man with a scraggly beard, long white fangs, and dirty blond hair stepped inside. He grinned slightly as he fixed his short red coat. "Hey, everyone."
Jaylen jumped up and grabbed his longsword from the dresser. "Doran."
"Hello, friends."
"Kill him." Kato ordered.
"Nuh uh. You don't want to do that, Captain. I am the only one who can get you into Cilona unannounced."
"And why should we trust you?" Kato asked. "What do you possibly get out of helping us?"
"Taking down Stephan, of course. I want Sammy all to myself, but Stephan is insistent that the kid has to learn to be both a vampire and a warlock."
"A warlock, like Trevor Treylan?" Zeriel asked.
"Yes."
"Hold on. Sammy?" Jaylen turned to his angel. "Zeriel, wasn't that the boy you bought in Wolfekin like three years ago?"
"Indeed."
"And you turned him into a vampire?" Jaylen asked Doran.
"What I do with my slaves is my business."
"Your slave? Your slave? Sammy is a child! Oh, wait. I know what it's like to be a child around you."
Doran gave him a stern warning glare. "Stop now, Jaylen."
"No. I won't stop. You know why? Because someone had to stand up for that child."
"He's already a vampire. The longer I'm here and not with him, the more he suffers at the hands of Sulstair and Axaniel. I've been the one keeping that boy safe."
Jaylen's hand tightened around the hilt of his sword. "You don't know how to keep anyone safe."
"Jaylen, I know I can never apologize enough for what I've done to you, but you have to listen to me. I am taking care of him. That boy needs me."
"Because I never did?" Jaylen asked.
"It's because you needed me that I am here for Sammy. This is my chance to be the father I never was able to be for you. I realize what I
've done. Don't we all have the right to atone?" Doran asked. "You of all people understand the need for that, don't you? You're a paladin. Forgiveness and penance are the basis of your beliefs."
"Then what are you doing here? I'm sure we can find a way into Cilona without you."
"The truth is, I came to warn you. Don't go to Cilona."
Jaylen cautiously lowered his blade. "What? Liaxa left us a message."
"Just believe me. Don't go to Cilona."
"I'm not trusting anything you tell me."
"Fine. Then don't say I never tried." Doran vanished in a surge of red light, leaving everyone grasping for answers.
"So that was your father?" Kato asked.
"Unfortunately. See, Kato? You really don't want to join this family of monsters, lunatics, and psychopaths."
"Joining the family?" Zeriel asked. "Who said anything about her joining your family?"
"I did. I asked her to marry me a few nights ago."
"Really?" Zeriel and Jeremiah asked in unison.
"Yes. I was drunk."
"And what did you say, Kato?" Zeriel asked. "Are we planning a wedding?"
"Jaylen doesn't want to know my answer. It was a mistake. He got caught up in the moment. We were dancing and drinking and-"
"I mean it, Kato." Jaylen said.
"What?" Zeriel asked.
Kato smiled. "You do?"
Jeremiah stood up and held out his arms. "No. I will not bear witness to the corruption of a Holy Paladin. Paladin Corrifus, either take back your statement, or I will be forced to leave. This goes against everything I believe. Jaylen, the scriptures-"
Jaylen stood to his feet and screamed at Jeremiah. "I don't give a damn about the worthless scriptures!"
"Are you officially renouncing your faith?" The seraph asked.
"Yes!"
Kato gasped.
Zeriel lunged at Jaylen, trying to cover the boy's mouth with his hand. "No. He doesn't mean that. You don't mean that, Jaylen."
Angel of Darkness Books 6-10 Page 11