Idol

by Carrie Duffy

  For Angela, meeting Sadie reinforced every stereotype she’d ever had about her boss’s bits on the side: tall and slim, with her hair neatly styled and just a little make-up to enhance that natural glow. Her clothes were young and fashionable – denim shorts, flip-flops and a simple racer-back vest. How easy life must be when you’re beautiful, Angela thought bitterly. She knew now why Paul wouldn’t have left his wife for her, baby or no baby. Angela would never have been good enough for someone like him.

  She pressed her lips into a thin line. ‘Come in. You know your way around,’ she added, unable to resist.

  Hesitantly, Sadie stepped in. It felt strange to be back, and she stared round awkwardly. Very little had changed, but somehow the apartment seemed empty and impersonal, like a show home. She took in the enormous couch where she and Paul had sat, the coffee table where he’d toasted them with champagne. Despite the summer sun streaming in through the wide windows, Sadie shivered.

  ‘Thanks so much for seeing me,’ she turned to Angela. ‘It must be a very difficult time for you.’

  Angela nodded, but didn’t meet Sadie’s gaze.

  ‘It’s all so unexpected. Do you mind if I ask … what happened exactly?’

  ‘Suicide,’ Angela replied quickly. She turned away from Sadie and walked across the room, staring out of the window at the Thames below. A river cruiser chugged by, churning up the brown water, as a pair of seagulls followed in its choppy wake. ‘That’s what the police said – that he threw himself off the top of the tower. He had all sorts of money problems. Well, you knew that,’ she added astutely. ‘And there were rumours that his wife was planning to divorce him.’

  ‘I heard.’

  Angela turned and looked straight at Sadie, her eyes unblinking behind those black-rimmed glasses. ‘Why are you here?’ she asked suddenly.

  Sadie hesitated, not fully understanding the question. ‘Jenna Jonsson – I was working with her, and she mentioned what had happened to her. That she’d lost some money and Paul was involved …’ Sadie trailed off.

  ‘Yes, I brought the files with me,’ Angela told her, pointing at the stack of folders on the dining table.

  ‘Can I have a look?’

  Angela opened her hands, indicating that Sadie should go ahead. She went over to the table and sat down, quickly leafing through piles of documents, lists of transactions, even copies of emails from Paul Austin’s account.

  ‘Angela, this is incredible,’ Sadie exclaimed.

  ‘Mr Austin used to say I was very thorough,’ Angela told her, a note of pride in her voice. It felt odd using the past tense.

  After a few moments, Sadie put down the papers she was holding. ‘You know, I don’t even know if it matters any more. Now that … I mean, we can’t confront him about it. I just hope Jenna can get her money back.’

  Angela had been watching her carefully. ‘Are you doing this just to help your friend?’

  Sadie reddened. ‘No,’ she admitted. ‘No, not just that. As you know, Paul and I had a relationship. He used me very badly. What he did to me … wasn’t nice. I wanted … I thought this would be a way of getting even.’

  ‘You wanted revenge,’ Angela clarified.

  ‘Yes,’ Sadie agreed. It seemed petty to admit it, after all that had happened. ‘But I never imagined he would … I guess it seems pretty unimportant now.’

  Angela considered this for a few moments. ‘You live in America now?’

  ‘Yeah. Las Vegas.’

  ‘And you flew all the way from America for this?’

  Sadie nodded.

  ‘You must have wanted revenge very badly.’

  Sadie hesitated, wondering what Angela was implying. But the question seemed innocent enough; she wasn’t malicious or goading. ‘I suppose I did,’ she answered cautiously. ‘You don’t know what he did to me. I hated him.’

  ‘I can imagine,’ Angela confessed. ‘I was the one who had to deal with the comeback – the phone calls from the girls, crying and begging to speak to him. And I had my own reasons for disliking him.’

  ‘I’m guessing he wasn’t the easiest man to work for.’

  ‘No,’ Angela shook her head. ‘No, he wasn’t. I’m glad you understand – that you know how I feel. I thought you’d be a bitch, but you’re not, you’re a nice person. A good person.’

  Sadie smiled hesitantly. It felt as though the ice had thawed, that there was an understanding between them.

  ‘Are you pleased he’s gone?’ Angela asked quietly. She moved across to the table and sat down beside Sadie.

  ‘I …’ Sadie faltered, a little shocked by the question. ‘I shouldn’t say it, but I am, I suppose. It’s a relief in a way. To know that he can’t get to me any more.’ She looked away, embarrassed, but Angela was nodding in agreement.

  ‘He was a bad man. A horrible man. I’m so glad you understand.’ Angela stared intently at Sadie, as though deciding whether or not to confide in her. Her mouth felt dry and her hands were clammy. ‘I’m scared, Sadie,’ she whispered finally. ‘I’m so scared.’

  ‘Why?’ Sadie’s brow wrinkled in confusion.

  ‘I’m scared I’m going to be blamed for his death.’

  ‘Of course you won’t,’ Sadie reassured her. ‘Why would anyone blame you?’

  ‘You understand, don’t you Sadie? You understand that it was an accident?’

  ‘I—’

  ‘I was up there with him. On the roof. Oh God, I need to tell someone or else my head’s going to explode. I’m going to go crazy.’

  ‘Angela, what—’

  ‘I killed him, Sadie.’ Now she’d started talking, Angela couldn’t stop. ‘We had a fight – I lashed out. And now he’s dead.’

  34

  The sun danced off the Thames as Jenna and Zac’s chauffeured Mercedes crawled through the Chelsea traffic. The car purred deliciously, eating up the miles from Heathrow as they drove by Albert Bridge, passing the houseboats moored at Cadogan Pier and the dramatic edifice of MI6 rearing up on the other side of the river. For Jenna, it was a relief to be back on familiar territory.

  She was sitting in the back beside Zac, lost in her own thoughts and beginning to wonder just what exactly she was doing there. Late last night, after the shock of discovering Nick with that slut, all she had wanted to do was to leave Hawaii and come home to London. As they’d landed, she’d received a message from Sadie telling her to meet at an address in Docklands. It wasn’t until she and Zac were on their way that Jenna realized how dubious that sounded. How much did she really know about Sadie? The girl had insulted her mother, her boyfriend, and now a guy was dead and she was somehow involved. Jenna swallowed, wondering what Gerry would say if he knew. She had a feeling she was getting into something way over her head. And now she’d dragged Zac into it too …

  ‘Zac?’ Jenna spoke out loud, shattering the silence. She’d barely said a word since they left the airport.

  ‘Uh huh.’

  ‘Why did you come with me? I mean – don’t take that the wrong way, I’m really grateful and everything but … I don’t know. Doesn’t Amber mind?’ she finished lamely.

  Zac stared out of the window, careful to keep his gaze away from Jenna when he spoke. ‘Well, it’s not really any of her business any more.’

  Something in his tone made Jenna look across curiously.

  ‘We broke up,’ Zac explained shortly.

  Jenna’s eyes widened. ‘What happened?’

  ‘Too many reasons,’ Zac said bluntly. ‘Trust me, it’s been coming for a long time. She needs help, and I can’t give it to her.’

  ‘I didn’t realize … I’m sorry,’ Jenna said automatically. It wasn’t exactly true – she felt bad for Zac if he was hurting, but she didn’t give a damn about Amber.

  Zac shrugged. ‘Don’t be. It’s fine.’ He took a long breath, blowing out the air in his cheeks. ‘So, how’s everything with you?’ He tried to keep his tone light, but they both knew it was a loaded question.

  Jenn
a shook her head, turning away from him. She wasn’t ready to talk about that yet. She felt betrayed, utterly humiliated as she remembered what she’d seen. The way that slut had been writhing on top of Nick, the way he had been grinding below her, whispering filth as he rammed into her … Christ, Jenna had barely left the hotel and already he was fucking around with another woman.

  The worst thing was, she realized she’d been expecting it.

  ‘Was it Nick?’ Zac persisted.

  Jenna could only nod her head. She didn’t trust herself to speak.

  ‘And that girl from the crew?’ Zac felt his anger growing once again. His hands clenched into fists, his knuckles turning white.

  Jenna looked at him accusingly. ‘You knew?’

  ‘They left …’ Zac began awkwardly. ‘… Together. Not long after you. He was very drunk …’

  ‘That’s not an excuse!’ Jenna lashed out.

  ‘I know, I’m not saying it is. We just hoped—’

  ‘He knew exactly what he was doing,’ Jenna cut in furiously. ‘He’s been after her since the moment we arrived. And what – you all guessed, and were laughing at me for being so stupid? That’s what you’ve always done, isn’t it Zac?’

  He knew she was taking her anger out on him and he let her, knowing that she needed to. ‘No Jenna,’ he said quietly, a note of regret in his voice. ‘I’ve never thought that. I’ve never thought you were stupid.’

  There was a long pause. Jenna had heard something in Zac’s voice that she didn’t dare acknowledge. She felt the cool metal of her engagement ring pressing into her finger and turned her hand over to look at it. It was rather ugly and ostentatious – far too chunky for her delicate fingers. If it was up to her she would have chosen something more subtle – a single solitaire on a plain platinum band. But that was typical Nick, Jenna thought bitterly. Always wanting the biggest and the best, always concerned with appearance and not reality. She took it off, slipping it into her Mulberry bag. She wouldn’t be needing it again.

  ‘I almost married him, you know,’ Jenna said quietly. It was easier to talk like this; the two of them alone in the back of the car, their eyes fixed firmly on the road outside.

  ‘I know.’ Zac’s voice was tight, carefully controlled.

  Jenna smiled faintly. ‘No, I mean actually went through with the ceremony.’ Zac looked across in alarm. ‘When we were in Las Vegas,’ Jenna continued, ‘we got the licence, went to the chapel – the full works. But something stopped me.’

  ‘What?’ Zac asked, hardly daring to hear the answer. He felt a wrench in his gut as his stomach twisted painfully; he realized how close he’d come to losing her forever.

  ‘I don’t know. I think … I think I always knew. I always suspected that this was going to happen. If it hadn’t been her, it would have been someone else. She was nothing special,’ Jenna finished resentfully.

  ‘He’s a jerk.’ Zac’s tone was fierce. ‘A total jerk if he can’t see what he’s got.’

  ‘I’ve been so stupid, haven’t I Zac?’ Jenna’s voice was shaking. ‘Everyone could see it coming. Even Gerry told me. He tried to warn me …’ She trailed off.

  They sat in silence for a while. Zac didn’t trust himself to speak, and Jenna was lost in her own thoughts.

  ‘You know … I don’t know if I ever really loved him,’ she said finally. ‘Not properly. I think it was infatuation. Ever since I was in high school, I’d had this huge crush on him, and then meeting him like that – he was just so charming and handsome that I got carried away, swept up in the drama and the romance …’

  ‘You deserve better,’ Zac insisted.

  ‘I know,’ Jenna agreed. ‘It’s over.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ Zac pressed, unable to help himself. ‘I’ve seen him do it before – a few apologies, a handful of expensive presents, and girls just forgive him.’

  ‘I’m not like other girls.’

  Zac smiled, thinking how true the words were. ‘No,’ he agreed lightly. ‘You’re not.’

  Jenna straightened up, turning her body round to face him. He was teasing her, she realized, but it no longer riled her. Their relationship had changed, almost without her noticing, from tense and edgy to something else. Something that was fun and exciting and that made her heart race …

  Zac saw her watching him. He looked over at her and their eyes connected; the jolt of electricity was unmistakeable.

  ‘When all this – whatever it is – is over, you and me are gonna have to talk,’ he growled.

  ‘What?’ Sadie managed to stammer, looking incredulously at Angela.

  Angela stared back, her eyes wide, her face pleading. ‘I killed him,’ she repeated.

  ‘But – it was suicide. The police said so.’

  Angela shook her head, blinking back the tears. ‘No. I was up there with him. On the roof. I’m just so scared someone’s going to find out. I need to tell someone about it; I can’t keep it to myself.’ The words tumbled out.

  Sadie looked at her in confusion, wondering if what she’d said could possibly be true. ‘I don’t understand. Why did you do it?’

  ‘I didn’t mean to!’ Angela cried. ‘It was an accident. You believe me don’t you, Sadie? You have to believe me. If you don’t, nobody else will. He came at me, tried to attack me.’

  ‘So it was self-defence?’ Sadie said eagerly, offering Angela a lifeline.

  ‘What if it wasn’t?’ Angela’s voice dropped to a whisper, as though she hardly dared voice the thought.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘What if I wanted it to happen?’

  ‘But why? Why would you want to do that?’

  Angela’s hands slid to her stomach, her eyes glistening with tears. She looked thoroughly miserable. ‘I’m having his baby,’ she confessed.

  Sadie’s head was spinning. ‘You had a relationship with him too,’ she realized. Suddenly it all fell into place – Angela’s coldness with her on the phone, the detailed questioning about her feelings for Paul. ‘Was it at the same time …?’ She couldn’t help but ask the question.

  ‘No, no,’ Angela shook her head. ‘No, it was nothing like that. It wasn’t even a relationship, really,’ she said sadly. ‘I wanted it to be. I wanted it badly. I loved him, and thought he was in love with me. Like I said, he had marriage problems. I was sure I could fix it, that I could be the one to make him happy. And he paid attention to me. I … I haven’t had many boyfriends,’ she admitted.

  ‘But you slept together?’

  Angela nodded her head. ‘Yes. One night, we were both working late. I heard a noise from his office – he’d broken something. I went in to see what had happened. He was behaving strangely … and then it happened,’ she said simply. ‘It was nothing like I’d imagined. He wasn’t loving, or affectionate.’ The tears began to roll down her cheeks as she remembered that night. ‘He was so cold, so detached. He … he turned me round so he couldn’t see my face.’

  She looked straight through Sadie when she spoke, as though she was reliving the experience. It seemed to be cathartic for her. Sadie realized she probably didn’t have many people to talk to.

  ‘Afterwards he just cut me off completely. He wouldn’t look at me, would barely communicate with me. Even if it was to do with work, he preferred to send an email rather than speak to me directly.’

  Sadie nodded, understanding. She knew what it was like to be cut out of Paul Austin’s life as easily as if you’d never been there at all.

  ‘And you fell pregnant, just from that one time?’

  Angela nodded. ‘When I found out, I was so happy. I thought I’d finally have the life I’d been dreaming of – a baby, and a handsome man who loved me. I felt sure he’d leave his wife when he found out.’

  ‘And he wouldn’t?’ Sadie speculated, shocked by Angela’s naivety.

  ‘No intention.’ Angela bit her lip, trying to stop the tears from falling. ‘He didn’t even want the baby. He told me to get rid of it.’ Unconsciously she rub
bed her belly. ‘That’s what we argued about. I followed him up to the roof when he went for a cigarette. I didn’t want it to be like that but he wouldn’t speak to me any other way. And then he went crazy. Shouting at me, telling me to get rid of the baby. He gripped my arms but I managed to get away. Then he came after me. He grabbed me, chased me, I fell over. I didn’t mean … I just lashed out at him. I was scared he was going to …’ She trailed off.

  ‘You didn’t have a choice,’ Sadie told her gently. ‘It was either you or him.’

  Angela closed her eyes, trying to block out the memory of that night. Paul had been silent as he fell, his mouth open in surprise. She had been the one to cry out, her screams echoing across the rooftop before she finally got a handle on herself and ran back inside, back to the office where she had the presence of mind to pick up her handbag, the pile of Jenna’s files that were resting on her desk, and the key to Paul’s Docklands apartment that he kept in his top drawer.

  ‘Are you okay – I mean physically?’ Sadie broke the silence. ‘It sounds like it was a hell of a fight.’

  Angela shrugged distractedly. ‘My body aches. I’ve got some bad bruises, a cut on my leg. Nothing that won’t heal.’

  ‘You need to go to hospital. Get everything checked out.’

  Angela shook her head vehemently. ‘I can’t. I’m too scared. I was supposed to have my scan today but I missed it. They’ll want to know what happened, why it happened, then they’ll start asking questions and put two and two together.’

  Both women fell silent. For once, Sadie didn’t know what to say.

  ‘What am I going to do?’ Angela’s tone was desperate. ‘I can’t go to prison. I didn’t do anything – I didn’t mean to. All I want is this baby.’

  ‘It’ll be okay,’ Sadie assured her. ‘Everything will be fine.’

  She hoped she sounded convincing. The truth was, she had no idea what the hell to do next.

  The black Mercedes pulled to a halt outside the gated apartment complex. Zac looked out through the tinted windows. ‘Nice. Is this the one?’