“I love you.” Caden couldn’t stand it anymore, and he grabbed her shoulders. “But I won’t be able to endure the pain of losing you!”
“People live, they love . . . and they die. That’s unavoidable.”
“But I lose over and over again.” A well of memories and fears rose inside him, drowning out logic and caution. Opening his past to her would change everything. But continuing to hide the truth was hurting her, and he couldn’t bear that anymore.
“I can’t find Anka, and Lucan is likely going to die. Just today, I had to kill one of my old Marine buddies in Mathias’s warehouse. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. And still not as terrible as the day I lost my younger brother, Westin.”
Sydney paused, then wrapped warm hands around his biceps, offering silent support.
Caden swallowed. “I was twelve. After Lucan, my parents had tried for over two hundred years to have another child. They were elderly when I was born, but Westin surprised them ten years later.
“He wasn’t quite two when we went out one summer morning to play. Westin was my shadow. He looked up to me. And I loved him . . . God.”
Tears hacked at the back of his eyes, stinging. He hadn’t let himself think about that day or cry since Westin’s burial. Remembering his chapped little cheeks and happy giggles now was like opening a chasm in his soul.
“It’s okay if you can’t say more now.”
But he couldn’t stop. “I was chasing him, pretending I was going to scoop him up and tickle him until he cried uncle. He ran, as always. But that day, he tripped.”
He could see it in his mind, those little feet stumbling, chubby hands flying. Why didn’t closing his eyes make the vision go away?
“And he fell?” Sydney promoted softly.
The only heat in his body came from her soft stroke of his arm. Everything else inside him was dead cold. He swallowed.
“Yes. And hit his head on a stone wall.”
As he said the words, he could see Westin collide with the wall, then crumble to the ground, blood spewing from a cut on a ragged rock, bruise bursting across his forehead.
Sydney gasped.
He stabbed his eyes with a thumb and forefinger. Choke out the rest. Get it over with. He owed her a reason for breaking her heart. “I screamed, and my mother came running. She was rattled but promised that simple magic would make him ‘right as rain’ again. She squeezed my hand, and I remember feeling utter relief as she hovered her wand over Westin’s wound. Instead of healing, he choked, sputtered, suffocated.”
Beside him, Sydney frowned. “I don’t understand.”
“Her magic, meant to heal him, went awry and killed him. She was rattled, perhaps applied the wrong spell. After my mother stopped screaming, I remember the song of the same fucking birds that had been singing ten minutes ago, before my life changed.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry, Caden.” Sydney wrapped her arms around him tightly.
How easy it would be to lean against her, let the balm of her love fill the festering wound inside him.
Easy but dangerous.
“After that, my mother and I barely spoke. She retired to her bed and never left. I wouldn’t blame her for hating me. I ran him into a wall and—”
Tears. Scalding drops made a path down his face and he wiped them away angrily, then drew in a rattling breath. “I can’t be with you. I shouldn’t even love you. Because I’ll lose you like I’ve lost Westin and my mother, all my friends. And now Lucan. They all hurt like hell. But losing you too.” He shook his head. “I’d lose me. I’d collapse inside myself and never come out. No reason left to live without you.”
“You have every reason to live. Lucan isn’t gone, and you’re not going to lose me. We’re going to fight this bastard and win.”
He shook his head. There was too much at risk. “My freedom, life, and heart are gone. I’d like to keep my sanity.”
Resignation stiffened her expression, and she stepped out of his embrace. “I’ve lost those things as well—and I embraced those losses. I think they could lead to something wonderful.”
Caden opened his mouth—to say what, he had no idea. But just then a shrill female scream ripped through the house. Adrenaline surged through his bloodstream, and he pushed past Sydney and charged out of the room and down the hall. “Sabelle!”
Sydney was on his heels. “Perhaps she didn’t leave. Is Lucan hurting her?”
Likely so, but if he confessed that, then Sydney would insist on helping. The woman truly didn’t understand the peril she put herself in. Since he refused to assume the risk of mating with her, he had no right to dictate to her, but be damned, he couldn’t hold his tongue.
As he reached Lucan and Anka’s bedroom, he grabbed the knob and barked, “Stay here!”
He threw the door open and tried to slam it in her face, but Sydney resisted. As Caden saw the unfolding drama within, he stopped fighting her and stared in mute horror.
Lucan had been released from his bonds and scrambled to the end of the bed where he’d captured a female underneath him, her blond hair twisting in ringlets across the bed and down to the floor. His face contorted with menace as his hands encircled her neck and squeezed.
Instead of struggling beneath him, the woman embraced him, holding as tight as possible, her whole body shaking. Something gentle and magical poured off her, flowing into Lucan. But Lucan and the witch weren’t intimately entwined.
They were locked in a death struggle.
This witch didn’t have Sabelle’s magical signature, but a different one entirely.
She struggled to free her neck and turned her head, revealing a red, distressed face.
“Anka!” Sydney gasped.
Caden didn’t have time for surprise, not when Lucan was about to kill his own mate. Why didn’t he recognize her? Somehow, someway, Caden had to stop Lucan from choking the life out of his beloved.
Shoving aside his dismay, Caden jumped into action, body slamming Lucan to drive him away from Anka.
“No!” the witch choked out, the sound barely discernible above the din.
But primal instinct gave Lucan ferocity. He lifted one hand away from Anka’s slender neck and backhanded Caden away with a roar. Caden hurtled across the room until his head hit one of the bedposts with a thump.
Pain exploded through the back of his skull. Cursing, he reached up to the sore spot. His hand came away sticky and wet with blood. Bloody hell!
Another choked scream made Caden struggle to his feet. Lucan again had his fingers wrapped tightly around Anka’s throat. As before, she clutched Lucan to her, rather than shoving him away. Did she want to die?
Caden pulled his mobile phone from his belt, Bram on ready speed dial.
“Help is on the way,” Sydney said through a cloud of white smoke. “Sabelle gave me one of those enchanted rock things. I’ve just used it.”
That impulsiveness and acceptance of magic might get her into trouble on occasion, but right now it just might save the day. He tucked the phone away, then crept toward his brother.
It was up to him to stop another tragedy, another loss.
“Lucan,” he murmured, panic invading his bones. God, he had to stop this. Lucan would never forgive himself if he killed Anka. “You’re hurting Anka. Remember Anka? Your mate.”
Lucan’s face turned more feral. “Shock Denzell!”
What did Shock have to do with Anka nearly gasping her last breath?
With that growl, Lucan’s fingers again tightened on Anka’s neck. Sydney stepped in, and Caden thrust out an arm to hold her back. He was about to have a tragedy on his hands. He didn’t need two.
“No. Anka. Your Anka,” he insisted. “Let her go.”
Still, the little witch beneath him gripped Lucan tightly and trembled, even as her face turned red and her eyes began to roll back in her head.
Caden grabbed Lucan’s wrists, but couldn’t pry them apart. Anka drew in a wheezing gasp of a breath—and brought Lucan closer to her. Cade
n tried to wedge himself between them, but both were frozen into place by determination, emotion, and that blasted magic.
Suddenly, Lucan stiffened. His eyes flew open wide as Anka melted beneath him, either unconscious or . . .
Dear God, no.
The expression on Lucan’s face mirrored that thought. Caden could see the whites of his brother’s eyes for the first time in a month. He focused as if he could actually see.
As if scalded, Lucan ripped his hands from Anka’s neck and sucked in a panicked gasp.
Caden rushed closer. Check Anka or restrain Lucan first? Ask questions or just start performing CPR and hope Lucan didn’t kill him?
His brother saved him from answering that question by rasping out, “What have I done?”
Then he promptly melted into unconsciousness.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
CADEN STARED AT HIS brother, who sat on the couch in his family room, cradling his head in his hands. Lucan was alive and lucid . . . and broken.
If Caden had needed more proof of magic’s capricious nature, he’d gotten it today.
He didn’t ask Lucan if he was all right. Such a stupid question. Caden knew the answer. How did a man face the sort of stunning twist of fate magic had forced Lucan to suffer today, nearly strangling his beloved wife?
Sabelle had arrived in Lucan’s bedroom, Bram, Duke, and Ice hot on her heels. Quickly, they’d surmised that Lucan had entered a healthy, restorative sleep. Anka, though pale as death, had depleted her energy.
While Lucan had been trying to kill her, she’d been holding onto him with every ounce of her energy, bravely fighting certain death to perform the helbresele spell. To heal his mate mourning. She had drained herself and nearly died in the process.
The good news was, Lucan came around quickly and assessed the damage, thrilled to have his mate back. An elated Lucan had curled his body protectively over Anka’s, chanting his apology against her lips over and over. He clung to her, trying to share a bit of his energy with her with simple touches. It worked. The bad news? The first person Anka asked for was Shock.
Caden couldn’t forget the way Lucan had staggered back, his guilt morphing, blending with betrayal.
Lucan had sat back on the bed, his face sharp with pain. “That’s why you smell like Shock. You’ve been with him.”
Anka’s amber eyes welled up with tears, and the terrible truth became clear before she said a word.
“I didn’t remember you,” she whispered. “I stayed with my human cousin, Aquarius. I hoped Mathias would never think to look for me there, in case he wished to torment me further. I remembered almost nothing about myself or my life.”
Caden had gone to his brother’s side and braced his hand on Lucan’s shoulder in silent support. He wanted to be angry with Anka for hurting his brother, putting him through so much, and now betraying Lucan with his greatest enemy. But her sweet face and bowed mouth crumbled into pain and fear and anguish. She’d been through a great deal, too.
Looking back on the incident three hours later, Caden worried. Despite the fact they seemed meant for each other, could all ever be well between them again? Or had blasted magic ruined something wonderful forever?
He already knew the answer to that question for him and Sydney.
“But you remembered Shock.” Lucan had tensed beneath Caden’s palm. “Before you recalled me.”
Anka then nodded, and fresh tears fell unimpeded down her pale cheeks. “Once Mathias broke our bond, I remembered nothing. I suspected I’d been mated, but I was weak and needed energy. I remembered Shock’s Call.”
Lucan looked away, clenching his jaw. Caden was certain that his brother was picturing his wife and his enemy embracing. Sharing pleasure. He hurt for Lucan. Imagining Sydney with another man was like an open wound in Caden’s gut.
No one else in the room said a word.
Drawing a few deep breaths, Lucan finally turned back to his former mate. “You remember me now. Come home.”
“I’m not the same woman,” the exhausted witch said sadly.
“You no longer need Shock anymore. You have me.”
Anka gathered her strength and grasped Lucan’s hand. “I do need him. Everything between you and me is a treasured memory. But I need time . . . I can’t simply step back into my old life and be the same woman I was.”
Lucan grabbed her shoulders. “Because I failed to protect you?”
She barely managed to shake her head as tears threatened to overtake her. “What Mathias did to me changed me. I can’t just . . . be happy again. I don’t know what I want, what to believe.”
“You don’t have to.” He squeezed her hands tight. “I’ll heal you.”
“I don’t deserve you. You don’t know what I did with him.” Her eyes squeezed shut as shame washed over her.
“Against your will!”
“It started that way. But then . . .” She squeezed her eyes shut as tears streamed down. “I begged him.”
Lucan swallowed. “He compelled you. Don’t think for a second that I fault you. I left you unprotected, and Mathias abducted you. I love you—”
She withdrew from his grasp. “Don’t. I came to see you as soon as I remembered. I’m sorry for the way our mating ended. I wanted to make certain you weren’t suffering.”
“Without you? Every day. I have no one to blame but myself for—” Lucan choked on his next words. “For Mathias violating you.”
“He hurt you, too,” she breathed, her eyes nearly closing as her energy waned. “Until today, I never imagined how deeply. Had to perform the helbresele spell.”
Her eyes slid shut.
“It nearly killed you.
I nearly killed you.” Lucan eased her onto her back and leaned over her, stroking her pale curls. “Yet, rather than teleporting away, you’ve stayed.”
Silently, Caden had to agree with the unspoken part of Lucan’s sentence; Anka’s actions revealed strong feelings for her former mate. But her eyes fluttered open and she crossed her arms over her chest and eased from beneath him.
Confusion overtook Lucan’s expression, and Caden’s heart broke for him. Though this tense moment wasn’t his, he found himself holding his breath, wishing for a happy outcome for his brother. After what he and Anka had endured, surely they deserved as much. But magickind wasn’t a Hallmark world.
“I had to make things as right for you as I could,” she slurred. “Now I must go.”
“No!” Lucan clenched his fists at his sides looking somewhere between blindsided and helpless. “Don’t. I’ll care for you.”
“And you’ll expect everything to be as it was.” Her mouth trembled as she began to cry. “I’ve experienced too much. I’ve been with Shock. We can’t sweep that under the rug. He will always be between us. Maybe he always was.”
Lucan looked like he wanted to refute Anka—and couldn’t.
“In time, we could recover.”
“I’ll always treasure our time together. But Mathias . . .” She choked on tears. “You’re a wonderful man, but you must see that I’m ruined. I won’t make you endure that,” Anka murmured, then turned to Bram. “Will you take me to Shock?”
Though Lucan fought and argued, Anka sent him a contrite stare, then allowed Bram to teleport her out.
Sydney lingered, looking as if she wanted to talk, but there was no need. The regret on her face told him that she understood his reluctance to mate now. He couldn’t have illustrated it more clearly if he’d drawn her a picture.
Finally, she left with Ice, Sabelle, and Duke.
Then Caden was alone with Lucan, who quickly decided his best friend was a bottle. Lucan hadn’t had a sober moment since.
Shadow crept into the room as Caden looked over at his big brother, cradling his head in his hands, a mostly empty whiskey bottle on the table in front of him. Caden had no idea what to say. Platitudes that all would be well and time healed wounds seemed inane and insulting. He wasn’t sure time would heal this wound, ever.
<
br /> “Don’t stare at me. Say something,” Lucan growled.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“I haven’t seen you in years. Your presence is a surprise.” Lucan laughed bitterly. “One of many. When did you arrive?”
“When your mate mourning began.”
A reluctant smile tugged at Lucan’s mouth before he took another swig. “Bram come after you?”
“Sabelle, on Bram’s orders.” “Bet you hated returning.”
Words couldn’t express how much, but saying that to Lucan would only increase his guilt. “I’m fine.”
Seduce Me in Shadow Page 32