by Terri Nixon
He gave her a sort of half bow and smiled. ‘I am, Lady Creswell, thank you. It’s good to see you again.’
‘You must rest while you’re here. Lawrence is so looking forward to seeing you. He’s out at the moment but will be back for dinner.’ Then she turned to me. ‘And you must be Kitty,’ she said, with surprising warmth. I felt my knees unlock as she took my hand, and she saw my nervousness and gave me a gentle smile. ‘Don’t look so frightened, child. I’m delighted you were able to come. Evie has told me so much about you, and about your immense courage out in Belgium.’
I felt the blush rise from my neck, and found a smile creeping across my face. ‘Thank you, Lady Creswell.’
‘You must tell me all about it at dinner. Now, Dodsworth will show you to your rooms.’ She turned to Evie. ‘You and Will are to have the same room as Will had before, and Kitty can have your old rooms.’
‘Where’s Lawrence gone?’ Evie asked.
‘Just for a walk.’ Lily smiled at me. ‘My son has always had a fondness for walking, but since he’s enlisted it’s become something of a need for him. He does it whenever he can. Must be to do with being cramped up in those ghastly tanks. Do you enjoy walking?’
‘I do,’ I said. ‘There are lots of lovely walks on the farm, and you can go down through the woods, along the riv…’ I stopped, my eyes going to the wide, richly carpeted staircase that swept up to the upper floors, and then to the many doors leading off into rooms that were no doubt even more ornate than this enormous hall. Lily saw me looking, and touched my hand again.
‘Don’t be ashamed of where you live,’ she said gently. ‘It has no lesser value than this house, believe me.’
I couldn’t think of anything to say, but hoped my gratitude showed in my face.
‘Come on, Skittles,’ Evie said. ‘My old room has a bath, and you’ll be glad to get the travel dust off you I expect.’ She followed Mr Dodsworth up the stairs, her hand still holding tightly to Will’s, and as I brought up the rear I glanced back down and saw Lady Creswell still standing in the centre of the hallway. She raised a hand to me, and I smiled back, but as I turned to face the front again all I could think about was how small and alone she looked.
Lawrence, or rather Lord Lawrence, did indeed return in time for dinner. He strolled into the sitting room where we’d gathered for a drink, and his smile, so like Evie’s, cut across the room and lit on each of us in turn. Evie had said he was just one year older than me, but had held the rank of lieutenant for at least a year now, and I could see Lily’s eyes on him with pride and affection as his presence broke down the slight uncertainty of our little group. As blond as his sister, with light blue eyes and an open, friendly face, he held himself very straight even in a relaxed situation such as this, but when I tried to address him using his rightful title he broke into laughter and flatly forbade me to do it again.
Dinner, therefore, was not the taut, nerve-wracking experience I’d dreaded. Lawrence sat next to me and kept up a lively chatter with all of us. He and Will were close; I already knew that. Evie had told me they’d been friends for years, but they’d spent last Christmas, after Will had been traumatised at High Wood, almost constantly in one another’s company. Lawrence had been the only one who could truly begin to understand what Will had been through, and it was clear that Evie welcomed the bond between them.
But tonight there was no talk of war. Tonight there was just a family group, and for once I didn’t feel as if I hovered at the outside edge of it. Lawrence teased stories out of me I thought I’d never tell, and even Lily laughed aloud at my telling of the illicit horse-riding incident. Everyone winced at the description of Belinda’s fall, but I thought it best not to add that her main concern was that her nose was all swollen just when she was trying to look glamorous for Mr Nathan Beresford. I even managed not to think about Archie for most of the evening, until much later, when Lily asked Evie how he was. Evie shot a glance at me before answering, but after all, Lily had no idea Archie and I even knew each other; it was natural she would ask her daughter.
‘He’s doing well, I think,’ Evie said. ‘Kitty knows him very well, and has done since they were children.’
‘Oh?’ Lily raised an eyebrow and I wondered if I was imagining the slight cooling of her manner. ‘Are you close?’
‘We were once,’ I said, feeling an ache crawl through me at my own words. ‘But, well, you know. People lose touch.’
‘Indeed,’ Lily said, and relaxed a little. ‘Lawrence, darling, Kitty enjoys walking too. Perhaps you’d like to show her the grounds tomorrow, while the summer’s still treating us kindly?’
‘Of course,’ he said, smiling at me. ‘The garden’s at its best just now, Kitty. We’ll go early, if that’s all right? It can get a bit hot.’
I nodded agreement, then caught Lily’s satisfied look, and understood. Of course, why hadn’t I realised? It also answered my still-niggling question about whether or not she was aware of what had happened to me in the spring; only the purest of wives would be good enough for the heir to Oaklands Manor, and she evidently believed me to be worthy, on that score at least.
‘I’m very tired,’ I said, putting my glass down. ‘If I’m going to be out walking early tomorrow, I think I should go to bed.’ I stood up, and thanked Lily for her warmth and hospitality, and after also bidding goodnight to Evie, Will and Lawrence, I fled to the sanctuary of my room, where I lay down and let out a groan. Lawrence was sweet and very easy to be with, but even if we found one another remotely attractive, which we clearly didn’t, Lily would find out sooner or later what had happened and would be all the more furious with both Evie and myself for hiding it.
Her instant suspicion about Archie rankled, too. That she saw him as a threat to her intentions for her own son gave me a surge of defensiveness, and a determination to protect the friendship I’d been half prepared, so recently, to throw away; she had no idea how deep that friendship went, and it was none of her business. I closed my eyes and beckoned him forward, and he came, his grey eyes made sombre by those straight, dark brows, but the mouth parted in a smile that belied that solemnity. ‘Young Kittlington,’ his voice breathed into me, and this time it took no effort at all to feel his presence close beside me, and his large, warm hand in mine. I went to sleep with him next to me, as I had countless times before, and would time and time again—knowing he was beyond my reach out there in the world of noise and light, but here, in the secrecy and darkness of my sleep, he could be mine again.
The following morning Lawrence gave me the promised tour of the gardens. Evie stayed back at the house with Will, who was stiff and uncomfortable after the long train journey the day before.
Lawrence looked behind at the house with a faint frown, as they waved us off and we started down the avenue. ‘I know he was badly hurt,’ he said, ‘but surely he should be improving more quickly?’
‘He was, but he slipped a few days before we left the farm, trying to move something without help.’ I felt another flicker of annoyance towards Nathan. ‘He didn’t fall, but it didn’t help his recovery, and he’s still in a lot of pain—he won’t take morphine; he’s terrified of becoming dependant.’
‘Poor chap,’ he said softly, then cleared his throat. ‘Right, we’ll start at the far end and work our way back. Sound all right?’
‘Sounds perfect.’
My first morning at Oaklands passed in a surprisingly easy, pleasant way. Lawrence showed me the orchard, and the walled garden, and then the place where Jack Carlisle had planted two apple trees. One of them had been planted in honour of some friends he had known long ago and there were some initials on the little stone: AJD. It was odd not to know the names behind those letters, and the people behind the names, while someone familiar to me had loved them enough to sweat and toil in their memory.
The other tree was older, and instead of a stone at its foot it had a framed photograph. Carefully wrapped against the weather, and hard to see clearly because of that,
I nevertheless recognised Jack himself; he’d have been the same age as Archie when it was taken, and the resemblance, always strong, was uncanny enough to make me break out in goose bumps. The two men in the picture were in uniform, and it might have been a formal picture but their closeness was evident in their relaxed attitudes and easy smiles.
‘Is the other man your father?’ I asked quietly.
Lawrence nodded, sobering for the first time since we’d left Will behind at the house. ‘They were the absolute best of friends. Uncle Jack planted this tree just after father died, and every time he came here he tended it. Our gardener, Shackleton, did his best, but he had so much more to do, and he didn’t have the same devotion to these two trees as Uncle Jack did.’
I remembered the garden at Lizzy’s mother’s cottage near the farm, and that Jack had taken it over while he’d been staying there. ‘He’s got green fingers, all right,’ I said with a smile. ‘Not the sort of thing you’d expect from a man like him.’
‘He always had an air of mystery,’ Lawrence agreed, ‘but we were lucky enough to see the other side of him too. I’m glad he’s happy.’
‘With your old scullery maid, so I understand. Does your mother know that?’
‘Pretty sure she doesn’t, actually. Evie did ask me not to tell her. I’m happy for him, though. Can’t see him married to that Wingfield woman he was engaged to before. But Lizzy…’ He looked uncomfortable suddenly, and I thought perhaps an unwelcome memory had resurfaced, then he shook it off. ‘Anyway, Evie says they’re happy, and that’s all that matters.’
‘Funny how things turn out,’ I mused. ‘Who can guess where lives will lead?’
‘Who indeed?’ he smiled back. But there was nothing behind the smile that suggested our own lives, be they separate or together, were on his mind just at that moment, and I turned to go back up the path, breathing a little sigh of relief.
‘I should like to show you Breckenhall,’ Lawrence said, catching me up after clearing away some dead leaves from the two trees. ‘They still have a market there sometimes. Perhaps when Will is recovered a little more we could all walk in together. Would you like that?’
‘I would, thank you.’ We walked quietly for a few minutes, then I broached something that had been on my mind since I’d arrived. ‘Lawrence, has your mother ever considered opening the house?’
‘Opening it?’
‘As a convalescent home. You know, for soldiers.’
He looked surprised that the thought had never occurred to him. ‘No, I don’t think so. Jolly good idea though, and one I might take up with her.’
‘Well you…’ I trailed off, hesitant to take him onto my path of thought, having known him such a short time.
‘Well what? Come on, you might as well ask,’ he said, then saved me the bother. ‘Oh, you’re thinking that, as heir to Oaklands it’s actually my decision?’
‘Well, isn’t it? I’ve never been too sure about the way these things go down through families,’ I confessed. ‘But if you choose to do it, surely that’s an end to discussion?’
He thought about it, blond brow furrowed. ‘I think you’re right, as it goes.’
‘And you agreed it would be a good idea.’
‘I did, didn’t I?’ He grinned at me, and caught hold of my hand. I didn’t pull away, but neither did I feel the way I did when Archie did the same. It was like holding my brother’s hand—comforting and friendly, but utterly lacking in anything deeper. Nevertheless I smiled back, and, as we walked up to the house I hoped Lily would be looking out of her morning-room window; her approval meant a great deal, and I wasn’t ready for that suddenly chilly glance to fall on me again just yet.
Inside Oaklands, Lawrence led me upstairs to the first floor, and down a long corridor. We stopped at the last-but-one door, and he pushed it open. ‘Father’s study,’ he told me.
‘What are we doing here?’ I looked around nervously; despite my own assertion that this was Lawrence’s house, it still felt wrong to be standing in the study of his deceased father. The room was surprisingly cosy, with two chairs by the empty fireplace, and a large, clean desk in front of the window. I wandered over to the window and moved the heavy curtain farther aside, letting more light in. Beyond the French window was a large, wide balcony; I’d seen it from outside and wondered what lay behind it, and now I knew. I felt a tickle on the hand that had remained on the edge of the curtain and jerked away, visions of spiders making me shudder. But it was only a piece of string. My eyes followed the string upwards, saw how it ran across the ceiling, and hung equally free at the other end, swinging down beside the door. What on earth was that for?
‘Aha!’ Lawrence’s exclamation swept the mild puzzlement from my mind, and I turned to see him holding up an envelope.
‘What’s that?’
‘Father’s will.’
I smiled. ‘Are you really thinking about it, then?’
‘It’s the only thing we should be doing with Oaklands. I really have no idea why it’s never been mentioned before. Embarrassing, really, that I didn’t think of it myself.’ He pulled out the document and spread it on his father’s desk. I didn’t speak, while he absorbed its contents, and just continued to look around the room and out across the wide sweep of lawn. After a few minutes, he beckoned me over.
‘You’re right. It looks rather as if the decision’s mine.’ He stepped back so I could read the will and, despite not having known the man, to see the words and wishes of one who had once been happy, vibrant and loving, set up a strange, sad echo in my heart.
‘Well that’s good news, then,’ I said, trying to smile, but Lawrence caught the tremble in my voice, and touched my arm.
‘Uncle Jack has always been more of a father to me than Henry Creswell,’ he said quietly. ‘I was very young when Father died, but Jack was here…even when he wasn’t. If you understand what I mean.’
‘I do, yes. I don’t know Jack very well, but I do know his nephew Archie. Evie says they’re very alike, in more than appearance.’
‘Well that’s the best compliment your friend Archie could hope for,’ Lawrence said. ‘Evie worships Uncle Jack, even more than I do if that were possible.’
‘Archie has that same way of…just being with you, when he can’t be,’ I ploughed on, and as I talked I felt some of the weight peeling off my shoulders. Speaking his name aloud, telling someone who didn’t know him how his gentleness equalled his strength, how he could make me laugh by the way he twisted people’s names around, how he sat a horse with effortless grace, and rode with the skilled abandon of a wild west cowboy… It all came spilling out and I barely heard my own voice as Archie solidified in the room with us. Eventually I stopped for breath, and I saw Lawrence looking at me with his mouth open. Abruptly my face flamed and I cast about for something to say, but everything I thought of sounded limp and pointless. So I just shrugged.
‘How long have you loved him?’ Lawrence asked gently.
‘For ever, I think,’ I admitted. ‘Hopeless, isn’t it?’
‘On the contrary, sweetheart.’ Lawrence put his arm around me. ‘If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the past two years, it’s that you must seize every speck of joy that drifts your way. Provided the one you love hasn’t placed their heart elsewhere, there is no reason, no reason, why you should deprive one another other of that joy.’
He sounded sombre again now, and I wondered who he’d fallen in love with, who had given her heart to another. I felt him take a deep breath, and let it out slowly. Then he gave my shoulder a squeeze and let me go.
‘I don’t understand why mother is so insistent on us hitting it off,’ he said, his face twisting in a wry smile. ‘It’s not as if it makes a jot of difference now, whether or not I have children.’
So he’d guessed as well, then. It was a relief not to have to bring the subject up. ‘How do you mean?’
‘Well, now the Kalteng Star is gone.’
‘The Kal…what star?’
‘Ah, you haven’t heard of the Kalteng Star? Good!’
‘Why good?’
‘Because now I shall have a fascinating story to tell you, and it will make you forget how you’ve just opened your soul to a complete stranger.’
I laughed. ‘Let’s hope so.’ In truth, although I should have been embarrassed, I wasn’t. It had been more than a relief to talk about Archie. It had allowed a trickle of the deep pleasure and pride I held in knowing him to seep through the cold parts inside me.
‘The Kalteng Star was, is, a blue diamond,’ Lawrence said. ‘It was stolen several years ago. They thought it was Lizzy who took it. Jack’s Lizzy, who works at Dark River Farm now,’ he clarified, seeing my stunned expression. ‘She went to prison for it. Ah, I see you didn’t know that.’
‘No!’ Lizzy in prison? ‘Who really stole it?’
‘Chap named Markham. At least, he made his girlfriend do it. It’s a long story, and actually it’s mostly not very nice, but I’m sure Evie will tell you the details. She knows much more about it than I do.’
‘What has that got to do with whether or not you have children?’
‘The will stipulates that the diamond goes with the eldest daughter of the house, but only until the Creswell line ends, when it’s to be returned to Borneo. I’m the last Creswell, so, no daughter, no Kalteng Star.’
‘But your mother still seems very keen to see us together.’
‘Yes, doesn’t she? Embarrassingly so. Presumably now it’s just for the same reason as anyone normal: because she wants grandchildren.’
I could understand that, but apart from Lizzy’s part in it, it all seemed rather trivial when held up against what was going on all over Europe, all the people who had married at the start of the war but would never have children, never mind grandchildren. I wasn’t prepared to give up my life to fulfil Lily’s wish, any more than I was prepared to do it to fulfil my mother’s.