by Paloma Beck
We arrived then, pulling up to a brownstone. As the garage door rose, William smiled and he looked over at me. “This is my city apartment. It belonged to my parents once upon a time before they retired to Florida.”
“Most people would call this a home, not an apartment. Why do you need the other?” I wasn’t sure why I dared ask this. I knew he didn’t owe me an explanation and maybe it was forward of me. I waited, looking at my entwined fingers as William remained silent.
Just when I thought he wouldn’t answer, William slipped his finger under my chin to guide it up. “Better,” he said and winked before continuing, “There’re times when I need to get out of the city. I prefer the open air but business keeps me here most of the time.”
I nodded but was stunned into silence. William winked at me. Was this a playful William? I didn’t know how to react to this other side of him so I sat and waited for his next move.
After he pulled in and turned the engine off, he continued, “I thought it easier to come here for the remainder of the day rather than return to the house. We can have dinner out. There’s a restaurant I love here in the Bay Area.”
“Okay.” I nodded. I only wanted to be with him. It didn’t matter to me where we were. Still, when we arrived at the restaurant later that evening, I didn’t expect it to be a traditional Boston pizzeria. The Bay Area was known as one of the wealthiest parts of the city so I laughed when we walked in and I saw the clichéd red and white checkered tablecloths, drip candle wine bottles and the bustle of wait staff clad in jeans.
“What has you giggling?” William looked down at me, curious over my reaction.
“I’m sorry. When you suggested a restaurant you liked, this wasn’t at all what I pictured,” I admitted.
“Oh, Aubrey, you have so much to learn about me,” William said just before a boisterous older man with a bushy gray mustache and a near balding head made his way to us. His voice was booming as he called out to William.
“Billy Boy!” the man shouted in his thick Italian accent. He came right up to William and though William put out his hand to shake, the man stepped around it to wrap him in an embrace.
William stepped out of the quick hug. “Salvatore, let me introduce you to Aubrey.” William placed his hand on the small of my back and presented me to the man I now knew as Salvatore.
“Salvatore, it’s so nice to meet you. It seems as if you know William well,” I greeted him with genuine friendliness and looked back and forth between the two men.
“William, sheesh,” Salvatore shook his head and laughed, “This is my boy Billy. He’s been coming to eat in my pizzeria since he first learned to walk.” Salvatore paused, seemingly considering something before he continued, “Yet today was the very first he brings with him a pretty lady.”
“Thank you. That’s very kind of you.” Salvatore’s attentiveness was a bit unsettling. I wanted to burrow into William’s side but I couldn’t slight this kind man.
William came to my rescue. “Salvatore, should we found a booth?”
“Yes, yes, come sit by the back so the wife can come to greet you with not too much walking,” Salvatore led us to a table close to the door that must go to the kitchen and then shuffled off.
“Wow, this was definitely not what I expected,” I said.
“I thought it would be to your liking. You said the restaurants I was choosing made you uncomfortable. Tonight, I was seeking a more comfortable setting for you.” William looked so pleased with himself.
In this setting, he appeared younger than I’d guessed him to be. His relaxed manner and smile nearly seemed carefree, so unlike the William I knew. I didn’t quite know how to act around this William so I sat in silence taking in the pizzeria. I noticed the red and white checkered tablecloths are linen, not the plastic as I’d first guessed. The art on the walls is vintage Italian, well-preserved photographs that I wondered might’ve come from Salvatore’s family home. When I looked to William, he was staring at me and I smiled at him.
“The photos are from their family home in Italy. It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” William must’ve seen me perusing the artwork on the walls.
“Yes. The little village seems so charming. I wish…” I bit my lip at the next thought that nearly slipped from my lips.
William reached across the table to hold my hand. “Tell me. What do you wish?”
“It’s so silly because it’s so far from possibility right now. I’ve always wanted to travel to Italy. You know, so I could sit in the beautiful countryside and pen my first novel.” I rolled my eyes at the absurdity of my dream. I’d never had my dreams come true so why I bothered to hold on to them, I didn’t comprehend.
“Don’t roll your eyes, little elf. That’s a definite punishable offense,” William’s tone had changed. No longer playful, I’d no doubt he was now serious.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled. His raised brow reminded me to continue, “Sir. I’m sorry, sir.”
“I don’t want you to put yourself down. That includes eye rolling over something you wish for. Dreams are important.” His words were softer now but I still couldn’t bring myself to look up. “Traveling to Italy would be a wonderful trip.”
“Who’s traveling to Italy?” Salvatore snuck up behind me while I was concentrating on William. It surprised me when he spoke.
“Aubrey just shared it’s her dream to travel there someday.”
“Ah, you will need to be bringing her on your next trip there,” Salvatore told William. I caught the reference to his next trip and wondered about all the places William must’ve traveled. How can a man who has obviously traveled the world be interested in me? You are nobody, Aubrey.
Salvatore set down two wine glasses and poured a small amount into first William’s glass and then mine. “Now you enjoy the wine while you wait for your pizza. And you can speak of your trip.” He set down the wine bottle, clapped his hands and scurried off.
“No sampling the wine tonight?” I asked.
I’d been watching Salvatore the entire time but I could feel William’s eyes on me. It was unnerving at times how focused he could be on me. What must he see when he looks so closely?
“No need here. Sal knows what I drink,” William took another sip of his wine, “So, would you like to visit Italy with me?” William asked.
I looked up at him with a furrowed brow.
“Would you like to take a trip to Italy with me someday?”
“William…” I began only to have William cut off my sentence with a simple look.
“Yes or no,” William provided my options.
“Yes, of course, but it’s not poss…”
“I just want to know your dreams. Your impossibilities are inconsequential.” William took my hand across the table and thankfully, he began to tell me all about the parts of Italy he’s visited. I learned he’s even visited Salvatore’s family as he filled up our wait answering my questions until I was swept up in the dream of William’s possibilities.
Chapter Six
I hungered for his offering.
William stretched his leg out of the car and pulled himself up to greet me as I exit Dr. Senton’s office building. “Aubrey,” William called to me as he opened his arms and watched me. He didn’t smile but he didn’t look angry either; simply that enigmatic look he has about him that I saw.
I walked directly into his embrace. I hadn’t seen him since Sunday evening and I craved the feel of him. His strength when his coiled arm muscles circle my body grounded me. I moaned as I felt him complete the circle of his arms and pull me tightly against him.
“Lunch?” William asked as he pulled away and smiled down at me.
“Yes please,” I returned his smile and turned to get into the car. “Hi Baylor.”
“Good afternoon, Miss Greene.” Baylor didn’t bother to turn his head so I engaged William, “where are we lunching?”
I was feeling a bit liberated after the week I’d had and, for that reason, I spoke more freely than
usual. I couldn’t help grinning noticing that my more forward behavior had caught William off-guard.
“Lunching will happen down by the water. There’s a seafood place I don’t often get the chance to go to. Since I’ve taken the rest of the afternoon off, I thought this would be perfect.”
I smiled while the dancing fairies in my stomach did somersaults. “You took the afternoon off to spend with me?” My voice squeaked at the end, announcing my surprise. I couldn’t hide my shock that William took the afternoon off for me. Why would he do this? What was it that attracted him to me? I doubted I’d ever know but was so grateful for him.
“Is this so difficult to believe?”
“You’re just so busy and important. I mean, your work is important. And I’m just…” He cut off my words by placing his finger against my lips.
“Stop right there, little elf, before our fun afternoon turns into a session in obedience. Do not belittle yourself. No more of that,” William held my chin as he spoke. He knew as well as I did that I would’ve ducked my head at the reprimand. He kissed me lightly before whispering, “You’re perfect to me.”
I shook my head. I couldn’t help my response. It was so ingrained in me that I was unworthy that accepting his words as truth was near impossible. William squeezed my jaw enough to be uncomfortable. “Repeat after me,” he said. “I am perfect.”
I pulled back, hoping he’d let me go and knowing at the same time it wasn’t likely. “I can’t.” Tears began to pool in my eyes and I blinked to hold them back.
“I’m going to hold your hand every step of the way until you realize just how perfect you are,” William breathed the words into my ear as one hand remained on my chin while the other stroked my hair. “Now, repeat it. I am perfect.”
The pause was too long and I heard William growl so I whispered, “I am prefect.”
“You are perfect,” he said as he looked into my eyes, “Say it again.”
“I am perfect,” I whispered again, uncomfortable and fidgeting with my hands.
“Louder,” William commanded. His voice wrought with the tone of a man with whom you shouldn’t argue.
“I am perfect,” I said with an indoor voice my kindergarten teacher would approve of.
“You are perfect. Now louder still.”
“Will…” he shook his head and my words immediately stopped.
“Repeat the words, Aubrey, just the words. We’re going to do this until you believe them.”
“I won…” again, he cut my words off with the shake of his head and a stern look.
Tears blurred my sight as I continued to blink them away but succeeded only in pushing them down my cheeks. Once they began to fall, I couldn’t seem to stop them. I wanted so badly to stop them before he became angry with me. I kept my gaze averted. I looked at my feet, afraid of the sight of William mad.
“Look at me,” William used his thumb to pull my chin up again. “Look. At. Me.” His sternly spoken words set me on edge but I followed his command. When my eyes met his, I saw something I couldn’t comprehend. I saw sympathy. I saw understanding. I saw hope. He wasn’t angry but he watched me carefully.
Then he smiled at my surprise.
“I’m not angry with your tears. They’re beautiful to me. But right now, we’re working at you acknowledging that beauty. Repeat after to me. I am perfect.”
I swallowed and when I spoke, my voice was scratchy but audible. “I am perfect.”
William leaned in and kissed the tip of my nose. “Again, sweet Aubrey.”
“I am perfect.” My voice was louder still.
William leaned in. He smiled this time before kissing the tip of my nose again. When he nodded, I responded with conviction, “I am perfect.” I could almost feel the warmth begin to flow out of my words.
“You are perfect, and I plan to make sure one day you believe those words. We’ll practice often until you do.” With one more kiss on my nose, leaving me wanting for more, William stroked my cheeks to wipe away my tears before opening his car door.
I hadn’t even realized we’d arrived at our destination.
*****
Three days was a long time. It had been seventy-one hours, to be exact, since I’d seen William. He flew out on business just after our afternoon together. We had spoken on the phone briefly and he surprised me with flowers on Thursday but I missed his presence. Even before I knew him, I’d seen him so often in the coffee shop. Now simply having him nearby did something to me that I hadn’t yet figured out.
It shouldn’t have been a shock when I flung myself at him as he arrived to pick me up on Friday evening. Yet it took all of us –William, Baylor and I- by surprise. What was I thinking? I froze when I realized the show I’d just put on until I felt William’s arms tighten around me and his deep chuckle rang out.
“I’m going to take this as you missing me, sweet Aubrey.” William whispered as he carried me back towards the car.
“I’m sorry,” I immediately choked out.
“I actually think I rather liked it.” William grinned down at me. I earned another smile and found myself luxuriating in the feel of it as he held me as if I weighed nothing. William waited for Baylor to open the back door and deposited me on the seat.
“Thank you, Baylor.” I regarded him with a shy smile, rather uncertain about the display he’d witnessed. I wondered what he must be thinking.
Once William seated himself and Baylor got us on the road, William reassured me, “Don’t be embarrassed in front of Baylor. He’s paid well to see everything and say nothing.”
I sighed, relieved, and sank into William’s warmth as we made our way to his house on the outskirts of Boston. It was a long enough ride for me to slowly get beyond my excitement over seeing him again and merge into my anxiety of our first full weekend since my birth control shot. William had yet to take me, as he phrased it, and I was certain that was on the list of this weekend’s activities.
As I shivered, William stroked my arm, “Ah, there you go. Let yourself consider all the possibilities of our weekend ahead.” How was it he could read me so well?
I’d been thinking about my first time since I was old enough to understand what the act of sex was. I dreamed of it being with my husband. I wasn’t necessarily saving myself though I hadn’t -until William- found a man whom I wanted to sleep with. I was well aware that being twenty-four and a virgin was unusual. Still, sex required an element of vulnerability that I had no desire to feel.
The doctor William sent me to found it difficult to believe I was a virgin. I was grateful for her though because she had a warmth about her that enabled me to feel comfortable in asking questions. Embarrassing or not, there were just some things I had to know. I had questions my sisters or mother had never answered, reminding me that we’d have that discussion on my wedding night. What would they think of me now if they only knew?
Ugh, my family. I spoke to my mother weekly, typically on Wednesday evenings since my father was out of the house and there was no risk of him answering. I had no desire to speak to him and did everything I could to stay away. During college, I got away with not returning home for Thanksgiving since I volunteered in a homeless shelter. During the summer, I took extra classes to graduate early. I only went home for Christmas and those few days were enough to set me back for the year. Here it was autumn already, the leaves just now turning and I was thinking up an excuse not to go home this holiday season at all.
When I was younger, I’d dream of my mother standing up for me. She would speak back to my father when he called me names. That was only a dream. Aside from our family outings to church, I received no reprieve from my father’s constant berating. The most I knew I could hope for was escape so I kept my head down and my grades up, was accepted with a scholarship to a college far away and ran without looking back.
How my sisters coped so much better than I was something I didn’t think I’d ever understand just as they couldn’t understand my desire to stay away. Though
I didn’t talk often to Sabrina, Evelyn and I stayed in contact. She most understood me despite our differences. Still, nearly every time we spoke, Evelyn would ask why I couldn’t forgive my father. She’d make excuses that worked to ease her own burden but didn’t work for me.
My mother was less direct. She’d tell me all about the good things my father had done lately. She’d remind me they missed me. I’d respond in kind but then count the minutes until I could hang up the phone. Happy to have so much distance between us, I remained in Boston after my graduation. With my family all living in the same town in Ohio, I was a safe distance away from the burdens of my childhood. Now, if only I could forget the words once spoken… if only it were as simple as William supposed, needing only to say ‘I am perfect’ enough to believe it.
*****
“Go up to the bedroom, take off your clothes and lie down. I’ll be there shortly.” The command startled me from the cocoon of his arms where I laid against him watching a documentary on a sustainable community William developed in Afghanistan. He was leafing through a magazine.
Once we’d arrived at his home, we ate the meal his housekeeper had prepared and relaxed together. Though I’d taken my shoes off and followed protocol, there were no other commands and no sexual advances at all. I’d knelt before him simply to be lifted onto his lap to be held. Actually, our evening had a flair of domesticity to it but I suspected that was all going to change.
His words barely had time to register actively before my body responded. Without a word, I moved immediately to climb the stairs. My heart rate accelerated at the anticipation of what was to come and I had to refrain from scampering up the stairs.
After I stripped off my clothes and laid myself down, I heard his footsteps. Thankfully, I’d gotten over my shyness about nudity last weekend when I spent most of the time in just one of William’s large shirts. I still didn’t think I was anything special but I’d admit to being decent to look at. I was contemplating the faults of my body when I heard his voice.