by Joe Vasicek
Her voice trailed off. James frowned and opened his mouth as if to speak, but she recomposed herself quickly and forced herself to press on.
“One day, we had a fight. It was just a petty one—I don’t even remember what it was about—but we both stormed off to our jobs without making up. That was a mistake.”
“Why?” James asked.
“Because there was an accident at the main engine,” said Deirdre. She bit her lip and drew in a sharp breath through her nose. “It was bad, to say the least. Fifteen people were killed, and my husband…”
James’s eyes widened. “Oh, wow. I’m sorry.”
“Yeah. It took me months to get back on my feet, and the whole time, all I could think about was how we’d never made up. I felt like an idiot—no, like a stupid, selfish bitch.” She looked James in the eye. “But you know what I realized after a while?”
“No,” he said. “What?”
“I realized that it was even more stupid not to forgive myself. My husband wouldn’t have wanted me to live the rest of my life moping over something I couldn’t change. He’d want me to be happy, to remember the good times.”
“So what did you do?”
“I did exactly what you should do,” she said, looking him in the eye. “I found closure and moved on. It wasn’t easy, but it was what he would have wanted.”
She stopped and turned to the storage compartment that contained the letter. He glanced over at the compartment, then up at her.
“You think you can run away from your past,” she continued, “but you can’t. Unless you confront it, it’ll haunt you wherever you go. And James, I don’t want that to happen to you. I really don’t.”
She squatted down so that she was at eye level with him. “So will you do it? Will you read the letter?”
He bit his lip and looked away. “I don’t know,” he muttered. “Not now. Maybe later.”
An awful sinking feeling grew in Deirdre’s stomach, and the edges of her mouth turned down in a frown. “But you promised—”
“I know, I know. And I will, believe me. Just not now.”
He stuffed the last of his clothes into his duffel bag and closed the compartment. The bag was only half full, but that was everything he owned. He threw it over his shoulder and turned to face her.
“Thank you for everything, Deirdre. You’ve done more for me over the past few weeks than…”
Her breath caught in her throat as his voice trailed off. She felt as if she’d laid her heart bare to him, and as his gaze penetrated her, something magnetic passed between them. He leaned slowly forward, his mouth slightly parted, and she found herself leaning slowly towards him as well. She closed her eyes, and as their lips met, tingles of electricity shot from the top of her head to the ends of her fingers and toes.
But the kiss was little more than a guilty peck. James pulled back almost the moment their lips touched—not because he didn’t want it, she sensed, but because he couldn’t stop thinking of Sara.
“James—”
“Goodbye, Deirdre,” he said abruptly. With his duffel bag on his back, he walked around her and out the door, leaving her alone.
What should I do? Deirdre wondered, her heart racing. The shuttle James was leaving on was scheduled to depart in just a few minutes—there was no way she could convince him to turn back now. And since he was already on his way there, she’d probably never see him again.
No, she told herself, clenching her fists. I won’t let you go, James. Not like that.
She opened her personal drawer and pulled out a duffel bag of her own. With shaking hands, she began to fill it with her belongings. She had a lot more than James, of course, and it would take her some time to get it all, but the shuttles left for the surface every six hours, and that gave her plenty of time to catch the next one.
“I’m coming after you, James,” she said aloud, as if he could hear her. “I’m not going to let you destroy yourself.”
Chapter 25
James stepped out of the inflatable dome shelter into the hot, sticky air of Chira V. His breath caught in his throat as he gazed at the alien landscape around him. The bright blue sky stretched far overhead like an infinite ceiling, bound only by the long, thin line of the horizon and the golden arc of the planet’s rings. How long had it been since James had seen a planetscape from the ground? A long time—far too long.
Of all the worlds he’d seen, Chira V was undoubtedly the most beautiful. The puffy white clouds drifting aimlessly in the sky reminded him of the wispy tendrils of the Good Hope Nebula. On the horizon, craggy mountain peaks reached heavenward like a bridge between earth and sky. The jungle, so much thicker than the aquaponics labs on the colony ship, gave the air a distinctly earthy taste that was fresh and clean. High in the air, the floating blue-green islands of biomass looked like flying carpets, while the shimmering golden band of rings arced across the sky like a highway to the heavens.
I could spend the rest of my life here, James thought to himself. I could run away to those mountains and never come back.
He followed the other migrants to the open-air rover at the end of the launch pad. There were more than a dozen settlement areas under construction around the landing site, and James had chosen the farthest one. According to the map, it was about half an hour’s drive away, but because there were only three operating rovers, he’d had to wait a few hours at the main base for a ride. He’d spent the time napping in a sleep cube, trying to sync his sleep-cycle with the rhythms of the new world.
As he crossed the launch pad, another orbital shuttle ferry touched down. The whine of the engines grew louder as the spacecraft descended, the smell of ozone mingling with the sickly-sweet smell of the jungle. Once the shuttle was on the ground, the noise soon died to a much more tolerable level.
James threw his duffel bag into the back of the rover and climbed in with the rest of the colonists. The driver turned back in his seat, a patch of fresh stubble spreading across his cheeks and chin.
“This rover is for site fourteen, folks—site fourteen. It’s a bit of a drive, so be sure to secure your belongings tightly and strap yourselves in. Enjoy the ride.”
“I will,” James muttered to himself, though inwardly he wasn’t so sure. There were a lot of things about the way he’d left that made him wonder if he’d come to regret it. His resignation at the gala hadn’t exactly been graceful, and there were still all the colonists in cryo who would look to him once they revived.
More than that, though, he wondered if it had been wrong of him to leave Deirdre. He missed her a lot more than he’d thought he would, and his thoughts constantly wandered back to her. Just thinking about that forlorn, dejected look on her face as he told her goodbye—only a moment or two after kissing her, no less—made his chest constrict painfully.
“Wait!” someone cried out from the launch pad. It was a woman, carrying two heavy duffel bags in hand. James squinted to get a better look at her, and his heart skipped a beat.
Deirdre.
“James!” she cried, running for the rover as fast as she could. “Wait for me!”
“You have to register at the main base, ma’am,” the driver yelled at her. “I can’t drive you anywhere until you show me some proof of registration.”
“Hang on,” said James, rising from his seat, “I’m getting off.”
The driver frowned. “Are you sure? The next ride to site fourteen won’t be until the end of the day.”
“I’m sure.”
With that, James jumped to the ground and fished out his bag from the back.
“James!” Deirdre cried, throwing her arms around him. “Thank the stars you’re still here!” As they embraced, the rover rumbled to life and drove away, kicking up a cloud of dust all around them.
“Deirdre—why did you come down?”
“Did you think I was going to just let you leave like that? After all we’ve been through?”
He smiled. “I suppose I should have known I could
n’t get rid of you that easily.”
The sunlight shining through the jungle canopy cast dappled shadows on her face, making her look like something from a dream. He hugged her again, tenderly this time.
“I’m glad you’re here.”
* * * * *
Deirdre walked with James hand-in-hand along the perimeter fence of the landing site. The touch of his hand sent tingles up and down her spine, and she felt more alive than she ever had before.
“What about your duties as ship historian?” James asked. “Did you resign from your position like I did?”
“The Chiran Spirit isn’t going to be around much longer,” she answered. “They’re dismantling it now to build the main orbital—they want to name it McCoy Station.”
“I’m flattered,” James said dryly.
“Names like that are for commemorating things. No one seriously expects you to come back. Besides, you do have quite the legacy. It’s only fitting to name the station in your honor.”
He brightened a little at that. She squeezed his hand, and he squeezed back.
“In any case,” Deirdre continued, “I figure I can do just as good a job down here as I can up there. After all, this is where the real history is going to be made.”
“What about the rebels?” James asked.
“What about them? There’s some talk about an arms race, but Carlson says it’s more likely we’ll make peace and set up trade relations. No one wants a war so soon after our arrival.”
“A lot of the original colonists are going to be horrified when they find out what the rebels did,” he muttered.
“Yeah,” she said, glancing over at him. “But Carlson says he thinks you did the right thing by stepping down. If you were still in power, there’d be no chance for reconciliation. Now, there’s a lot of hope that we’ll work something out.”
James nodded. “That’s good to hear.”
“Of course, I expect that the planetside folks will want to elect you to something—maybe chief surveyor, or mayor of one of the settlements.”
“Naturally.”
They walked in silence for a while. A light breeze rustled the enormous leaves of the jungle canopy. Far overhead, one of the floating algae pads drifted in front of the sun, casting a pleasant shadow over the ground. They walked on.
That kiss before you boarded the shuttle, Deirdre wanted to ask. What did it mean? Even though they were holding hands, though, she sensed that it wasn’t right to broach the question. James was working himself up to tell her something, and if she asked, it might cause him to withdraw. Now of all times, that was the last thing he needed to do.
“I suppose you want to ask me if I read the letter,” he said at length. “And the answer is no, I haven’t. But I have it right here.”
He reached into his pocket and pulled out the envelope. Deirdre squeezed his hand.
“Are you going to read it now?”
“If not now, when?” James asked. His arm was stiff, his cheeks pale, but she saw in his eyes a determination that would not be cowed. “Come on, let’s find a place to sit down.”
He wants me to be with him for this moment, Deirdre realized. He’s afraid of being alone when he finally reads it.
“I’m right here,” she said softly, squeezing his hand to reassure him. He squeezed back, but his palm was clammy.
* * * * *
Don’t do it! something in James’s mind screamed. Not now! Anytime but now! Inwardly, though, he knew that Deirdre was right, and putting it off would only make it harder.
They found a cluster of boulders on a small rise near the perimeter fence. The jungle was a little sparser here, and the rocks shielded the rest of the base from view. It was a good place to be alone.
Deirdre sat on a rock in front of him, taking care not to read over his shoulder. She put a hand on his knee as he sat down.
“Do you need a moment?” she asked.
He shook his head. “I’ve had weeks to work myself up to this. If I don’t do it now…”
“You can do it, James,” she said, smiling at him. “It’s going to be all right.”
Her encouragement strengthened him. He took a deep breath and nodded, wondering at how stupidly hard it was to follow through with this. How many times in his life had he looked death in the face without flinching? Yet somehow, this letter struck more fear in his heart than any of his military exploits ever had.
His fingers trembled as he tore open the envelope and pulled the letter out. The aged synthpaper felt dry to the touch, and he unfolded it carefully. The sight of Sara’s handwriting made his throat constrict, but he kept himself from reading until it was laid out plainly in front of him.
“It’s shorter than I thought it would be,” he muttered. She’d only used half the page—the whole thing probably amounted to less than three hundred words.
Deirdre squeezed his knee. “Go on,” she said softly.
He took a deep breath and read.
James, the letter began, I hope that when we read this, we’re both together on Chira, laughing about how paranoid we were. But just in case I don’t make it, I want these to be my parting words.
His hands began to shake, and it took him a moment to calm them enough to keep reading. He thought of what it would have been like if Sara had been here to read it with them, and they were both laughing at themselves just as she’d said. If it weren’t for Deirdre’s comforting touch, he probably would have stopped right there. But her presence gave him strength, and he continued.
You have a stubborn sense of determination, James, that I’ve gradually come to admire. It gives other people strength and rallies them to do great things. At the same time, it can be dangerous. No matter how much you look out for others, you always seem to neglect yourself. I fear that your stubbornness will destroy you.
If we do come through this together, I would be happy to spend the rest of my life helping you to temper that stubbornness. But if we don’t, James, I want you to let me go. Don’t blame yourself for my loss. Find someone who cares about you and commit yourself to her as completely as you would have committed yourself to me. I want you to be happy, James, with me or without me.
I love you, James, and I always will. Remember me, but know that it’s okay to let me go. Don’t neglect yourself. Be happy.
Love,
Sara.
A sob forced its way out of James’s throat. He tried to choke it down, but it was like holding back a river with nothing but his arms. His vision blurred with tears, and he buried his head in his hands.
For how long he wept, he didn’t know. But when the sobbing stopped and the tears no longer came, he felt like a new man. It was as if he had been living on the other side of a glass ever since waking from cryo, and now, the glass was shattered, making everything more colorful, vibrant, and alive.
“James,” said Deirdre, rubbing his shoulders. She must have stepped behind him while he was weeping. “Is everything all right? Are you okay?”
He took a deep breath and smiled. “Yes, Deirdre. I don’t think I could feel any better.”
“What did the letter say? I mean, if it’s too private, I can just—”
He turned and took both of her hands in his, effectively silencing her. “It’s okay,” he said. “She told me to find a special woman and to be happy with her, just like she would have been happy with me.”
Deirdre’s eyes widened, and her mouth parted in shock. She looked down for a moment, then back at him, her cheeks flushing.
“Does that mean…”
He answered by leaning forward and pulling her gently towards him. Realization dawned on her, and she wrapped her arms around him, pressing her lips against his. The warmth of her embrace soothed his aching loneliness, and for the first time in ages, he felt truly alive.
* * * * *
The next day, they ventured out from the outpost to go for a hike. When they left the main road to follow a trail made by some as-yet unknown species of large animal, Deir
dre worried aloud whether they were in danger, but James laughed and pointed to the gun on his hip. It was the first time she’d heard him laugh, and it sounded so honest and clear that she couldn’t help but laugh with him.
They followed the trail to the top of a mountain ridge, climbing up until the jungle fell away, leaving nothing but grass, boulders, and the hardy, wind-stunted shrubs that grew in clumps along the rocky terraces. The wide open sky and magnificent vistas gave Deirdre an awful sense of vertigo. She clung to James for support, but he didn’t seem to mind.
At length, they reached a spot where the ridge leveled out. “Look at that,” said James, peering out at the rugged wilderness landscape that surrounded them.
Deirdre stopped clinging to him long enough to get a good look. From where they stood, they could see almost a hundred kilometers in any direction. The hills rolled before them like wrinkles in a towel before dropping off sharply into a sea of unbroken blue water. Mighty waves crashed on the rocky cliffs, while swarms of avian creatures flew between the dozens of massive algae pads that drifted lazily over the ocean.
“It’s incredible,” she said softly. “I never thought a world could be so beautiful.”
“Welcome to your new home,” said James, putting his arm around her waist.
“Our new home,” she corrected him.
They lingered for a few moments before finding a rocky cleft in which to have lunch. The salty sea breeze wafted up to them on the ridge, while the singsong cries of the avian creatures mingled with the distant crashing of the waves.
“Is this where you hoped to bring us when you set out from Karduna?” Deirdre asked, settling down between a pair of boulders where she felt more secure.
“No,” said James, squeezing in beside her. “We just wanted to get away from our enemies—to stay alive. We never dared to dream of finding a world like this.”