by Xavier Neal
She lets out a heavy sigh and shakes her head. “I didn't come here to fight with you, Tucker.”
There's a first.
I lean against the wall right outside of the living room as she braces her body against the back side of the couch.
“Look, I know how you feel about David, which I don't feel is a fair assessment since you've only met him once.”
“Once was enough.”
“You were purposely provoking him.”
“Did you come here to defend his honor? I thought that's what a real man did for the woman he loved?”
“Stop that,” she fusses with a sharp point of the finger. “Stop quoting your father. Stop using the statements he made in honor of love to disgrace it. You wanna accuse me of spitting on his grave? What the hell do you think you're doing every time you use his words to hurt someone else? That wasn't the type of man your father was and you know it.”
Dad was a strangely honorable man. To have been an active Marine, he had a peaceful outlook outside the job. It was more peaceful than you would imagine someone who's career often put him in a kill or be killed position.
“Why are you here?”
“I know how you feel about David, but....he wanted me to ask you, if you would make a toast at the reception.”
Horror and resentment flood my expression. “Are you fucking serious?”
“Well,” she calmly tries to continue. “You are going to be his son-”
“I will never be his son,” I growl and fold my arms across my chest. “I don't give a shit if you stay married for the next fifty years, the only man who will ever be known as my father is Michael Christopher Frost.”
Quickly she tries again, “I didn't mean it the way you're making it sound, Tucker. I just meant, whether you like it or not he is going to be a member of this family. Meaning no matter how hard you want him to go away, he won't. He will be at holiday gatherings. He will be at birthday parties and your cousin’s weddings if they ever settle down. He will be there and welcomed because he will be my husband.”
My heart begins to pound hard against my chest.
“I didn't just pick his name out of a hat. I....fell in love with him. And while I'll never love anyone the same way I loved your father, it doesn't mean I can't love again.”
“Just because you managed to love him, doesn't mean I have to.”
Her body tenses and she nods. “True. But doesn't he at least deserve a chance to earn your respect or at the very least the kindness you are able to show absolute strangers?”
I look away.
“David would like you to make a toast. Doesn't have to be long. He just thought it might be a nice way to include you in our special day.”
With a hateful look her direction I snap, “I don't need to included. Hell, I don't even need to be there.”
A hurt look crosses her eyes. “Tucker-”
“I was going as a favor to June-”
“Who you barely know!”
“And Aunt Brandi who's acted like more of a mother since Dad died than you have.”
“That's not fair!” She shouts. “You didn't even give me a chance!”
“You lost your chance when you locked Dad away like some dirty little secret instead of the most incredible man to ever fucking exist!”
“All this blame on me but it was you who ran the hell away like some eight-year old who was sent to his room for being a jerk at the dinner table! You know what, Tucker? You can hate me all you want! You can blame me for anything and everything, but it won't change the simple fact I am your mother and I love you. You can screw up. You can continue this six year tantrum for another sixty and I'll still always love you. I'll still always be here when you need me. Maybe someday you'll give me the chance to be your mother again, but in the meantime...I appreciate Brandi watching out for you.” She moves across the room and lands in front of me. “You don't wanna make a toast? Okay. That's fine. I'll find a nice way to tell David you said no. I know he'll agree the only thing that really matter is that you're there.”
A gentle pat is given to my chest and I tense.
That's the most she's touched me in years. How can she spout bullshit like loving me when she hasn't hugged me since Dad died? That's right. My so called 'always here for you' mother hasn't hugged me in six years. But I'm still the asshole? What do you mean have I given her the chance? Whose side are you on?!
The sound of the door shutting signaling her departure is proceeded by a buzzing noise. Seeing my phone move across the counter, I take a few steps, and answer with irritation in my voice, “What?”
“That doesn't sound like the cheerful Tucker Frost I have grown accustomed to,” Eddie chuckles in the phone. “You spill paint on your good jeans again?”
I shake my head. “What do you want Eddie?”
“So...I know the last time I called you said you had plans on sticking around town for a while, but I finally got more info on the art crawl happening in Georgia next week. It's in downtown Athens and-”
“I'm in,” I cut him off. “Send the details to my phone. I'll be on a bus tonight.”
There's a long pause in the phone. “You sure?”
“Positive.”
“Alright.” He clears his throat. “I'll send Clay a line and let him know to look out for you while you're there.”
“Appreciate it.”
“You sure about this?” Eddie's distrust in me causes me to grit my teeth. “Like two days ago you sounded like you were about to buy a damn house and now you're just bailing?”
Two days ago permanently renting this place and moving June in were two very real possibilities.
“It's what I do,” I snip. “I go where the art takes me. Now send me the damn information.”
After hanging up, I use the app I haven't in weeks, drop the phone on the counter, and make my way around the scattered art supplies on the floor for my bedroom.
Stop staring at me like that. You knew who I was from the beginning. I travel. I don't stay...put...in one place. It's time to move the hell on. Escape from this city like always. I know I said I would make an appearance but....I can't. Aunt Brandi will understand. June....June will get it. I have to go. I can't live somewhere I can't even fucking breathe.
I shove a couple pair of shorts, shirts, and underwear into my bag alongside one of the empty sketch pads, pencils, and my passport. I snatch my wallet off the dresser and shove it into the back pocket of my jeans.
All of sudden the sound of the front door shutting stops my movements a couple feet outside my bedroom.
The sight of June's sweet face stings everything in my system.
I didn't want to say goodbye. Hadn't planned on it because I know just leaving would've been easier. Going to bed one day with me and waking up the next morning without. Having your last memory of me be sweet and erotic rather than cold and calculated.
She starts to approach me. “Your Uncle Brett told me to tell you he had to reschedule for tux shopping until tomorrow. Something about the boys needing his advice. I wrapped up shopping for Brandi's new chinchilla earlier than expected so I thought I'd come by.” Her hands roam up my chest and sadness chokes me. “Figured we could pass the afternoon away together.” When her hand touches the strap of my bag, she curiously questions, “Were you going somewhere?”
I try to answer but can't.
How do you tell the love of your life you're leaving because staying would kill you?
June takes a step back and the expression on her face hardens. “Tucker.”
“I have to go,” my voice is a whisper. Doing my best to make it firm, I state, “I have to leave town. I shouldn't have stayed this long.”
She swallows her sadness. “Then why did you?”
My eyes begin to stain every single curve of her face to memory, as if it's not already there.
How can it not be? I've never loved another person the way I do June. Why couldn't she be in another city, in another state, in another place me
eting me under different circumstances? Why did Fate do this to us? Why the hell did Fate bring us together knowing damn well we would be ripped apart? Has she not fucked me over enough? Do I not deserve the same happy ending my parents once endured? Is Fate still pissed off at me for being pissed off at her?
“What happened?” She tries to remain calm. “Why are you leaving out of nowhere?”
“I just...I have to. I can't stay in this place any more. It's poison.”
“Does that include me?
“Of course not, June Bug.”
“But you were going to just leave without saying goodbye to me?”
I press my lips together refusing to answer.
She restrains herself from snapping. “You do know, if you leave now and you don't show up to the party, I lose my job, Tucker.”
A small shrug escapes. “Maybe that's not such a bad thing. Maybe without it you'll go off and experience more of life rather than making it possible for everyone else too.”
My comment drops her jaw.
Damn it! I shouldn't have said that...Not like that anyway.
“I need to go.”
“Why? What changed from last night when you were lying in my bed beside me determined to paint more pieces for my bedroom walls to now? What happened, Tucker?”
My mother happened. There's a reason I avoid her when I come to town and it's not just fear of her trying to replace my father, but years of built up animosity that frankly, I fucking doubt will ever be resolved. No. The only way to keep peace in what's left of this part of the family is for me to go and enjoy the life I've created, far far away from her.
“Did you have fight with your mother again?”
I attempt to avoid answering and continue walking, the taxi I summoned with the app on my phone likely arriving at any moment.
Her arm blocks me and she demands, “Tell me what she said. Tell me what's got you running!”
“I don't need an excuse to run, June! It's what I do!”
“Well I need an excuse for you to leave me behind in your dust!”
My eyes fall to hers that are beginning to fill with tears. The sight scorches my lungs. Instinct commands I reach out to brush them away yet I tighten the grip on my bag to prevent it.
I've never had this much hell trying to leave anywhere or anyone. Fuck. It feels like my souls been engulfed in flames. With the way I feel right now, Hell is a sauna in comparison to this.
“You.... you just wouldn't understand.”
“You're not giving me a chance to.”
“I don't have to.”
“But you should.”
“No. I shouldn't.”
“But I'm your girlfriend, Tucker. I-”
“No, June. It's my life. It's my decision. I told you from the beginning I would never try to force you to do anything you didn't want to and no one, no one, can force me to do anything I don't want to either.”
“I'm not trying to force you-”
“You are! Asking me to stay somewhere I'm fucking miserable is doing that!”
“I make you miserable?”
Fuck. That didn't come out right either!
On a heavy sigh, I shake my head. “Just take the moments we had together and treasure them like I will.”
Pushing past her, I snatch my phone off the counter, and make my way to the front door.
“Just like that?” She croaks, the pain in her voice bringing tears to my eyes. “You're gonna leave me, just like that? I really am no different than any of the other women you've claimed you love, am I?”
A tear drops onto my cheek.
I have to go. I can't stay here, I already told you that. And June doesn't wanna leave her family behind, so why bother asking? Why bother trying to make two worlds blend that never should've to begin with? Apparently the only plan Fate had for me was one more fuck you, Tucker Frost.
I yank the door open, relieved and devastated to see the taxi waiting for me. “Good bye, June Bug. You made one helluva story to tell.”
Walking towards the cab, I sniffle away the remaining tears waiting to fall.
Love and art have something very strong in common I never realized before this moment. Both often come with great sacrifice. Staying here to do both would inevitably lead to the loss of both. I'd rather lose part of me than all. Though, right here, right now, it feels like I've just lost everything.
Tucker
“Thanks for letting me crash here for the last two nights, Adolfo,” I sigh as I buckle my seat belt.
“Of course,” he says back, starting the car.
Looks just like his sister I know. Not twins but damn near close enough in looks.
“You know you're always welcome in our home. “Michelle wishes you would come by more often.”
I helplessly smile.
No. I haven't left yet. The day I tried to leave, no tickets available for Athens or the next day on the train. Today was the earliest. The bus situation wasn't any better. I would've flown, but it was the same issue. For some reason tonight's tickets across all three platforms were wide open. What? No Fate wasn't interrupting. It was just bad last minute booking bullshit. Fuck Fate and her hate hard on for me.
“Where are you headed this time?”
“Georgia,” I reply, my attention out the window, admiring the houses of the suburbs.
“And your lady love? Is she going with you?”
His question turns my face to his. “Excuse me?”
“Your lady love. Maria said you brought her to the restaurant a few weeks back. Danced and kissed. She said you've never brought a woman to our place before. She added there was something different about the way you treated the woman.”
“June,” I mindlessly inform him. “Her name is June.”
“Ah.” Adolfo pulls up to the stoplight. “I get the impression you're not taking June along?”
Glancing out the window again, I answer, “I didn't ask.”
“Why not?”
“It....she....we....” The jumble response begins to get the better of me.
I've gone over it a million times these past two days. I did the right thing. I live a life with no strings, no ties, no obligations to anyone but myself. If I took June along that would change everything. I'd begin to wonder if I ruined her life by taking her away from all she knows. I'd hate myself for ripping her family, a real family who needs each other, apart. I'd rather let June hate me for leaving her and allow them all to be happy than try to persuade her to follow me around until I grow bored enough to send her away. Because that's what would happen right? I'd grow bored....You're buying this, aren't you?
“You're never going to be happy, Tucker,” his nonchalant comment snaps my head back around. “It's become a fact.”
“I am happy.”
“You're not.” He changes lanes and keeps his attention forward. “You're like an excited customer who prides himself on continuously coming in. Being loyal and loved by the staff yet secretly only tolerating the food. Sure, he enjoys the atmosphere, but he lies to everyone with the smile on his face about how much he loves the food. A false sense of enjoying something is not being happy, Tucker. Yes, you may very well be excited to travel the globe, to be loved and adored by strangers who have no idea you're only passing through. But you only tolerate those places and new things you do because, like the customer who can't admit to himself he doesn't enjoy the food despite everything else, you find it easier to lie than face the facts. You're a coward, Tucker Frost. You've always been a coward. Since the day you asked to paint my restaurant after your own father died, I knew that's what you were.”
Anger strips any chance of kindness seeping through. “How the hell am I a coward?”
“A man is one who faces the adversary in his life. In our cases, it was death. You have continued running from death and it's destruction for years. It's why you don't stay still. You're subconsciously afraid if you do, it will catch you, and you will have to look into its eyes and ask why me? Why d
id you take my father?”
His answer trembles my chin.
“I would know. I had to face it myself. But when you finally decide to,” he slows down his words, “your whole life will actually change. When you travel you won't be running, looking for the next place to hide, but living in the true spirit of life. I just hope whenever you come to terms with the past you're trying to escape, there's an unbroken heart you've left somewhere to help you through the pain. Because there's going to be pain, Tucker. There's actually beauty in the pain.”