by Sybil Bartel
“So where’d you go on your long ride?”
No point in lying. “Gainesville.”
She took a sip of beer. “What’s in Gainesville?”
Alcohol, loose women and pot. “Work.” I guess I was gonna lie. Although, I wasn’t trying to impress her, so why not tell the truth? Oh yeah, I was supposed to pretend I wasn’t an asshole.
She cocked her head to one side and studied me.
If I was a betting man, I’d say she saw right through my bullshit.
“So what’s a safe topic?”
Yep, she saw right through me. I decided to turn the tables. “I read your story.”
A flash of surprise hit her face then her expression went passive. “Must’ve been boring in Gainesville.”
“Not boring. Is it a true story?”
She fingered her glass. “I’m sure it is, somewhere.”
By the look on her face, I knew I was a total ass for asking but I wanted to know. If she was that fifteen-year-old, I was gonna beat that fucking coach within an inch of his life. “Not what I meant.”
She averted her eyes. Fingers stroking her glass, up, down, up, down, she swallowed.
Fuck. It was her. I reached for her hand and she flinched but I didn’t back off. I lowered my voice. “Look at me.”
She looked up and every second of her past was written across her face. “I don’t know why I gave you that story.”
Me either. But she had. I was enraged and heartbroken and I felt responsible all at once. “Was he prosecuted?”
She shook her head.
“It’s not too late.” I’d go with her to the cops if that’s what it took.
“For me, it is.”
The food arrived. Shit. “Eat. We’ll talk about it later.”
Resignation tainted the sexy rasp of her voice. “It’s not going to change anything.”
“Maybe not.” I decided then and there I wasn’t going to lie to her. Not anymore.
Carly put away a whole rack of ribs without getting dirty. I felt like I had sauce up to my elbows. She’d also managed to turn the conversation toward me during dinner. I told her I grew up in Miami with my dad. I left out everything before the age of twelve. She didn’t need to know that shit.
I paid for dinner and when we stood to leave, I put my arm around her because I wanted to. I was quiet as I drove her home and parked in front of her place.
“I was going to invite you up, watch a movie or something, but you look dead on your feet.” She held my eyes when she spoke but her hands twisted nervously in her lap.
I was exhausted but the offer was tempting. Why? Because I was glutton for punishment. “I’d fall asleep on you.”
“Hmm, you do seem to have that problem.”
“Christ, now you’re mocking me. Get out of the car.” The corner of my lips hinted at a smile.
She leaned over and gave me a quick hug. “Thanks for dinner.” She pulled back a little and kissed my cheek. “Anyone ever tell you you’re bossy?”
Yes. “No.” I fingered a strand of her hair. So soft.
Her expression grew serious and her smile faded. “I can’t...I mean, I don’t.” Her hand gestured between us. She inhaled sharply, then spoke in a rush. “This won’t ever go further.”
My heart shattered. Not because she was telling me she was off-limits but because she had to, for her, for her self preservation. I got it. I didn’t want to, but Jesus, I got it. This girl deserved happiness. I was never gonna be that for her. I ran the back of my fingers across her cheek, wishing I could pull her into my arms. “I know.”
“But I like you, Graham Allen,” she whispered.
I didn’t see that coming. I pushed aside what I wanted to say and said what I should. “I’m not good enough for you, Carly Sullivan.” And that was the sad fucking truth.
Dropping her eyes and without another word, she got out of my car.
I felt like I’d failed her.
Chapter Seventeen
Friends
I was in bed later when she texted me.
Carly: Thanks for dinner
Me: Welcome
Carly: Friends?
Shit. Where was this going? Despite my earlier conviction, I didn’t do the friend thing with women. It would never work.
Me: Yeah
At best, I was an idiot. Thankfully, she didn’t reply. I’d started to drift off and my phone buzzed.
Carly: He moved away a year later. I don’t know where. I’ve moved past it, the way I know how. I’m sorry I gave you that story, it was impulsive. I never showed it to anyone.
A dozen emotions went through me. I was pissed she’d dumped on me, but glad for her she did. I knew what abuse was. It wasn’t something she should have to suffer alone. I just didn’t want to be that person, but the thought of her telling some other prick had me pissed off even more. I knew if I engaged with her right now it was going to open a door. I didn’t want that. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted her, she was innocent and beautiful, I just didn’t want...this. But I felt protective of her. Damn it. I knew I shouldn’t but I replied.
Me: I’m glad you told me
It was the truth. If anyone would understand not wanting to be emotionally available, it was me.
Two minutes passed.
Carly: Good night
I snorted.
Me: Yeah, alright Hummingbird
Carly: Hummingbird?
Me: You know what I mean
Carly: I don’t know if I should be flattered or insulted
Insulted? Christ. I told myself I was too tired to care.
Me: Your choice
Carly: Flattered. Good night
Me: Good choice. Later Hummingbird
I slept like the dead.
I worked all day chasing my tail. Another job had come in along with two more cars that needed repairs. If this kept up, I was going to have to hire help. I worked the repairs first, but I’d have to wait for parts. I closed early so I could eat, shower and be at the club before Myles. I wanted to set up before he got there.
Hank scowled at me when I got to the club. Good thing he was such a big motherfucker or I would’ve said something to him. I spent a half hour in my office signing time cards and ordering a new security camera Hank said we needed. I’d been an idiot when I told Myles to buy me out of the club. I did minimal work and the cash flow was more than the shop and the band combined. Neil worked all the finances, Myles took care of everything music, I did security and we had a bar manager. The place practically ran itself.
I set up and did a few sound checks before Myles, Ben or Aaron got there. I finished setting up and Ben strolled in.
“Glad you’re back,” was all he said. He was even quieter than me. If you saw him on the street you’d take him for a college geek.
Aaron was a different story. He was a guy version of Carly, always cheerful, always talkative. He annoyed the crap out of me. Thankfully I was at the bar when he came in. I never drank before a show. Never. So why the hell was I drinking now? I didn’t know, I didn’t want to think about it. I was on my third beer when Myles showed. He glanced at the bottle in my hand and wisely didn’t comment.
“Hey, you set up already?”
“Yeah.” I stared him down, waiting for him to say something. He didn’t.
“Wanna go over the set list?”
I raised my eyebrows and Myles put a sheet in front of me. When I glanced at it, I kept my face blank. We were closing with “Break.” We never closed with “Break.” Myles didn’t like to end the show on the rough songs.
“You wanna do lead vocals on the last song, I’ll do backup?”
I couldn’t read his expression. “Why?” He never did backup. Myles was lead. I was backup. Always.
“You got the voice for it.” He shrugged. “It’s your song.”
I didn’t relish being the front man. In fact, I hated it. But Myles was offering. He never offered. “Yeah, okay.” It was the last thing I wanted to do.
>
“Great. I’ll let the guys know. I’m gonna set up.”
I switched to Jack and Coke.
If I’d known how the evening was going to turn out, I would’ve stopped at the third beer.
I wasn’t shitfaced by the time we went on, but I was close. Neil’s friend Talon had shown up, and that motherfucker could hold alcohol like no one else. I stupidly tried to keep up with him. Women flocked to Talon like they did Myles. Talon fronted his own band—they sucked—but he worked the whole rock-star persona when he wasn’t being a total prick. I’d never liked Talon or his bullshit Southern accent. The first clue that I was in over my head should’ve been the fact that I was hanging out with him. The second clue that I was fucked was the crowd of loose women hanging around Talon and me, two of which I’d already bagged.
Aaron let me know we were up and I stood. Shit. Unsteady. I glanced at the stage and saw Sam in a corner by herself. I imagined it was Carly coming to see me play and I smiled. That should’ve been my third clue. I walked to the stage and thought all tonight needed was my drunken bitch of a mother to show up. Sam, who knew my shit, skanks, my mother, then it could’ve been a who’s who of my fucked-up bullshit life. Add Carly into the mix then maybe I’d do something really stupid. Like kiss her. Or tell her to fuck off. Drunk, I smiled again.
It took me until the second song to get my stride, then I was killing it. At least I thought I was. My fingers feeling every vibration of the chords, the crowd fueling my high, I played to escape to that sweet spot where it all fell away. Loose, beyond giving a shit, I played my ass off. Ben watched me with a dead serious expression, Aaron was grinning like a fucking idiot and Myles ignored me. A few times I caught Sam watching me and it only spurred me on. I wished Carly was here but then quickly stomped on the thought. The set flew by. I grabbed another Jack and Coke and we began the second set. By the time we got to Break, I was in rare form. Myles stepped back from the front of the stage and began the first few chords, Aaron joined in and Ben kept the beat. I followed with the riff and began to sing.
I was never too close
I was never far enough
You knew the way
You knew the words to say
You made me break
You wanted me to break
I know that now
I was never a part of it
I was only all of it
All your rage
Trapped by my age
Innocence never freed me
There is nothing I could’ve said
Nothing I could’ve done
To protect myself
You gave me what you deserved
There’s nothing to say
Nothing to do
I couldn’t have changed your ways
You wanted me to break
You wanted me alone
Nothing I could’ve done
Nothing I could’ve said
I was the only one
Once young and free
I wanted to believe
But nothing could’ve released me
Nothing I could’ve seen
To protect myself
I needed to be free
You gave me no other way
You gave me what you deserved
And here I am
Alone and free
Broken and in need
I fought back
But I had nothing to lose
Nothing to hold
I am what you wanted
Broken and old
My innocence was sold
Broken and cold
This life is now told
I will not fear alone
Nothing has nowhere to go
I never wanted to break
You gave me what you deserved
Now I’ll be on my way
Because there’s nothing here to take
Nothing left to break
Nothing you can take
So I’ll be on my way
I’m nothing now you say
Nothing fades away
So I’ll be on my way
I’ll be on my way.
I sang my heart out. I didn’t notice the crowd’s reaction till the last line. Cheering, clapping, yelling, I breathed it in for a split second before the lights went out. Adrenaline pumping from the crowd’s reaction, giving me the high that didn’t compare to a fucking thing in this world, I left the stage. Having gotten past security, Talon was backstage with a group of chicks. Stupidly, I didn’t care. In fact, I was glad. One of the blondes I’d been talking to earlier threw her arms around me, gushing. Pumped with adrenaline, drunk, I made out with her. When I came up for air, I had a brief moment of sanity.
“Do you work here?”
She looked confused. “At the club?”
Did I stutter? “Yeah.”
“No.” She shook her head slowly like it was a trick question.
Aaron grabbed my shoulder, all smiles. “Awesome set, dude, great song!”
“Thanks.” Go away.
Myles stood by Aaron, his arm around Sam. It didn’t take a genius to see he wasn’t happy.
“Got a problem?” I glared at him.
“You missed notes, you blew the first song completely and you were sloppy the whole show.”
The blonde squirmed.
“She seems to think I did okay.” Without taking my eyes off Myles, I nodded at the chick.
“Don’t,” Sam pleaded with me.
Myles cut right to the chase. “She’s only here because she thinks you’ll go somewhere. A few more shows like that and even she won’t give a shit about you.”
“You wanted me on lead vocals,” I threw back.
“I wasn’t talking about your singing and you know it. Or maybe you don’t. Have another, I’m done giving a shit.” With Sam still under his arm, Myles turned to leave.
Sam had a split second to lean toward me. “Don’t do this,” she hissed before Myles pulled her away.
Don’t do what? Fight with Myles? Drink? Throw away the band gig? Fuck the blonde? Jesus, didn’t she know she had to be a little more specific when I’d been drinking?
I looked down at the blonde. “Wanna hit it?”
She looked undecided.
I stepped back from her and held my arms out. “Your choice.” I think I smiled, but maybe it was more a sneer.
She smiled.
Good enough for me. I took her hand and led her out of the back stage area. Talon’s laughter followed us out.
Having perfected my fuck-off face years ago, I cut across the club with the blonde without being bothered by anyone. I used my keys to let us into the back hall and took her to my office. I threw the light and asked her if she wanted a drink.
“Okay. Whose office is this?”
“My office.” Who the fuck did she think it belonged to?
“The band has an office here?”
“Yeah, something like that. I only have Jack Daniels.” My glass from the last time I’d been here had been washed and put back. The cleaning staff needed a raise. I poured two glasses and handed her one. “No ice.” I took a swig.
Looking nervous as hell, she didn’t drink.
“Door’s right behind you, you can leave anytime you want.” I inclined my head toward the door.
“I don’t want to leave.”
“Yeah?” Could’ve fooled me. “Then why you here?”
She smiled shyly.
Uh-huh, thought so. Did chicks think if they acted shy you wouldn’t know they were easy? Jesus, embrace it, because from where I was standing, it was a beautiful fucking thing. I put my glass down and took a step toward her. Brushing her hair aside, I bent my knees and kissed below her ear. “Know what I want?”
“Yes,” she moaned.
“You in or out?”
“In,” she whispered, grabbing the back of my neck.
A half second later, I’d relieved her of her drink and pushed her against the wall. My tongue halfway down her throat,
my hands everywhere, I almost forgot a condom.
“Hold up a sec.” I grabbed a condom out of my desk and pulled her over to the couch. I was too drunk to take her standing up.
Sitting down, I pulled her on my lap, grateful for short skirts. I slipped her shirt over her head and really started kissing her. She pulled my sweaty T-shirt off and ran her hands all over my ink.
“Stand up.” I pushed her back.
“Why?” But she stood.
“Take your underwear off.” I didn’t soften my voice. Part of me just wanted to see if she’d do it.
She looked at me for a second. Then smiling, she began to slowly unzip her skirt.
“I didn’t tell you to take your skirt off.” Now I was fucking with her, just because I could.