by Sybil Bartel
No shit? This kid kept surprising me. “How’d you manage that?”
“The lady we were living with helped me get the materials I needed and I did the assignments.” He shrugged like it was no big deal.
There was a lot going on in that sentence. I started with the first part. “What lady?”
“She was my grandma’s best friend. She let us live with her in Pensacola when Mom got sick.”
I thought our grandmother was dead. “Your grandmother’s alive?”
“No, she died before I was born.”
Okay, the monster hadn’t lied to him about everything. “And her friend took you and Georgia in?” The monster had friends?
“Yeah, she helped take care of mom. She was nice to me. And Mom? I dunno, she was better when we were there.”
“So what happened? Why’d you leave?”
“They came back from one of Mom’s doctor appointments and they were arguing. Mom said we were leaving and told me to pack. My grandma’s friend said I could stay with her but Mom said no and we left that afternoon.”
“Where’d you go?” I knew but I asked anyway.
“Miami.”
To Jep. Then to me. She’d found out she was going to die and she was bringing us Gunnar. In that moment, I didn’t care about her reasons. Yeah, I’d heard what she’d said in the hotel room. I knew what kind of person she was but suddenly it didn’t matter. My chest constricted and I forced myself to swallow. I didn’t know what I was feeling for Georgia in that moment, but it wasn’t hatred. I cleared my throat and forced myself to go back to the school issue. “So, how’d you manage to finish seventh-grade math?”
“It was easy.”
“You like math?”
“Yeah.”
Shit, I knew he was smarter than me. “So what happened to eighth-grade math?”
“She took the computer away before I could get started. But even if she hadn’t, I would’ve had to wait till the end of the semester to start the next section. You can finish the work early but you can’t really skip ahead.”
Of course she took the computer away. “So how did you do your schoolwork without a computer?”
He shrugged. “I read some books.”
Put in an impossible situation and he still tried. “Was she recording your hours?”
He looked down. “Not always, but I knew mom’s passcode. I went to the library, logged in as her on one of their computers and recorded my time...I didn’t want to get in trouble with school.”
Jesus. “How long has it been since you logged hours?”
“I dunno. Weeks?”
Shit. “Okay, we’ll figure it out. Do you like virtual school? Would you rather go to a regular school?”
“Virtual school’s okay.”
Translation, he didn’t like school. I couldn’t blame him. “Whatever you decide is fine with me, as long as you finish through high school.” Then I wondered if I was selling him short. If he was smart, he should go to college. “College would be even better.” What the fuck did I know about it? I was a mechanic who played bass in a band. The club ownership was dumb luck because I was friends with Myles.
“Did you go to college?”
“No. I wasn’t as smart as you.”
His cheeks went red and I briefly grasped his shoulder. He tensed but he didn’t flinch. I’d take it. “Come on, let’s get this finished up and see if you’re still registered with the virtual school.”
I threw together the stuffing and put it in the oven while Gunnar set the table. We sat down with my laptop and Gunnar navigated his way to the virtual school. Turned out, I had to contact them and bullshit my way through a bunch of red tape but we finally got him reregistered. We figured out what materials he needed and ordered them. He was officially in school.
“Maybe you can finish eighth-grade math next week.” I nudged his shoulder.
“I’m not that smart.” But he smiled.
Gunnar smiling was like Carly smiling.
“We’ll get you your own computer tomorrow. You can pick out whatever you like.” My offer registered no excitement with him.
When he glanced at the clock, I knew why.
“Don’t be nervous, Jep is nice. He’s rough around the edges but he’s always been fair.” Once he’d got his head out of his ass and divorced Georgia, but I didn’t say that. “No matter how it goes tonight, you have a home here, okay?”
Gunnar nodded but he didn’t comment. He got up, turned the TV on and went to the couch. I was about to follow when I heard Dad’s GTO pull up out front.
“He’s here, you okay?”
“Yeah.” Gunnar’s voice was small and scared. I couldn’t blame him and I knew nothing I said would substitute for meeting Jep. Gunnar would figure out he wasn’t someone you’d be scared of once you knew him.
Nervous, I took a deep breath and opened the front door. I knew my dad wouldn’t be shitty to Gunnar but he’d be mad at me for not telling him sooner. If I was being honest, I hadn’t told him because it’d bought me one more day with Gunnar.
I met my dad in the driveway. Almost fifty, his hair still blond, arms ripped from being a mechanic all his life, he didn’t look older than forty if you didn’t look too close at his brown eyes.
“I’d ask where the fire was but considering our conversation last week, I’d say this has something to do with your mother.” My dad clapped me on the shoulder and one-arm hugged me.
“You wouldn’t be wrong. She’s dead.”
My dad froze then leaned back against the GTO as if he needed the support. I had no sympathy for him.
“Cancer?” He rubbed his hand over his face.
So he’d known. And he hadn’t told me. Apple, tree. Fuck. “So you knew. What else did she tell you?” So help me God, if he knew about Gunnar and hadn’t done anything, he was not walking through my front door. Ever.
My dad shook off his sorrow and eyed me suspiciously. “About what?”
“The past twelve years.”
“What are you getting at?”
“I’m not getting at shit. What’d she have to tell you after twelve years? Or maybe you’ve been talking to her all this time.” My anger amping up, I said it exactly as I meant it, as an accusation.
He came off the car and pointed me. “You don’t have the right to accuse me of anything, I made my choice and it wasn’t her.”
“So you said.”
“What’s this about?” he demanded.
“I want to know, exactly, what happened when she came to see you.” Instinct was telling me he didn’t know shit but I had to be sure, for Gunnar’s sake.
His shoulders slumped and he fell back against the car. “At first she acted all sweet like she missed me. Said she wanted to reconnect but I didn’t trust it. Even on her best days, she was—difficult. I turned her down and she asked for money. When I laughed, she got pissed, said I was the one who deserved cancer, then demanded to know your address. I told her to rot in hell and that was the last I saw of her. I didn’t realize until I’d calmed down that the cancer comment was about her.”
“She didn’t say anything else?”
He crossed his arms menacingly. “I just fucking told you what she said. No, she didn’t say anything else. What the fuck is this about?”
I knew him enough to know he was telling the truth. “Come inside.” I turned and walked to the front door. Right before I opened it, I looked my father in the eye. “Be calm.” Then I walked in.
Gunnar came off the couch and stood. Arms slightly out from his sides, eyes wide, he looked like a caged animal.
I had to clear my throat. “Dad, meet Gunnar. Gunnar, meet your dad.”
Three pairs of eyes stared in silence.
“Jesus, Mary and Joseph.” Jep’s hand went to his chest. “God, forgive me,” he whispered.
“I found him in a hotel room with her a few days ago. He’s staying with me now,” I rushed through an explanation but I didn’t think he heard me.
Jep moved closer to Gunnar, looking like he couldn’t believe his eyes. “How old are you?”
“Eleven.” Gunnar stepped back a foot.
Seeing the fear in my brother’s body language kicked me into action. “Dad, sit in the chair.” I moved next to Gunnar and pulled him down on the couch on my left so I was between them.
“I didn’t know, son, I didn’t know.” Jep was shaking his head but he didn’t move to the chair.
“Dad, sit.” I put all the authority in my voice that six feet two inches afforded.
Like a drunken sailor, Jep moved to the chair and fell in. “Did you—did you know about us?”
Gunnar shook his head.
“Jesus. I have another son. I have...” My dad’s voice cracked and his eyes filled with water.
I glanced at Gunnar but he’d gone stone-faced. “Okay. Dad, look, I wanted you two to meet. We’ll save the questions for another time. Gunnar’s had a rough couple of days. Let’s give him time to adjust. We’ll eat dinner and kick back and if you’re up to it, you can tell him about yourself.” I glanced at Gunnar. “Sound good?”
His head gave a nod but he looked uncomfortable as hell.
“He’s going to live with you?” My dad blurted out.
“Yes.” I didn’t hesitate.
My dad’s watery eyes found mine. “He’s my son.”
I had no doubt a DNA test would prove that. But I wasn’t going to let him railroad me or Gunnar. I pulled out my one trump card. “Not according to his birth certificate. You’re listed as unknown. He’s my brother and he’s going to live with me, for as long as he wants. If he decides he doesn’t want to, he’ll let us know.” I knew Jep had rights, I knew he could fight me on this and claim his parental rights, but I stared him down so there’d be no misunderstanding—I would fight back.
“He looks just like me.” Jep warned.
If I couldn’t intimidate him, I’d use guilt. “He’s been through enough. This will be his decision.”
Resignation replaced the anger and my dad’s hands went up. “Okay, okay.” He’d never been never a fighter.
I pushed off the couch and eyed Gunnar. “Come on, you can help me with dinner. Dad, grab yourself something to drink from the garage fridge.”
Gunnar followed me into the kitchen looking more shell-shocked than when I found him in the hotel room. Jesus, I needed a drink. My heart was pounding and I was worried as hell I’d made a mistake in not telling dad before he got here. Not because of his reaction but because of how uncomfortable it was making Gunnar.
When I heard the door to the garage open, I looked at Gunnar. “He’s in shock. It’ll wear off. You okay?”
Gunnar shrugged.
“Can you make it through dinner?”
Another shrug.
“Gunnar, talk to me, give me a clue here. I’m not sure if I should kick him out and send him to a hotel or if you’re okay with this. I don’t have a problem telling him to leave.”
High and squeaky like a mouse, he answered me. “I’m okay.”
I tried to stop it, honest to God I did, but I couldn’t. Relief, my inappropriate sense of humor, I smiled. Not just any smile but a dumb fucking grin that said I was laughing at his changing voice. He knew it, I knew it, and since there was no way to cover it up, the prick that I am, I went full throttle. “You sure? Because I can tell him his daughter needs a powder room break.”
His mouth popped open and I held my hands up just like Jep had done a few minutes ago. “Just kidding, just kidding!” Smiling, I ruffled his faux hawk and Gunnar, once again, surprised the hell out of me. He threw his arms around me.
I hugged him back, instant and fierce, then released him as quick as he’d hugged me.
“You suck,” he muttered but he was smiling.
“Now you’re catching on.” I smiled back.
Jep walked into the kitchen, handed me a beer and offered Gunnar a Coke.
“Gunnar’s a Sprite man.” I winked at Gunnar.
Jep put the Coke on the counter. “Good man, caffeine will stunt your growth. Never touch the stuff myself.”
I snorted. Nothing was going to stunt Gunnar’s growth. He was going to be taller than me. He was already way taller than I’d been at his age.
I put dinner on the table and we sat down to eat. Jep picked up the conversation and told Gunnar the basics of his life. It was going smooth until the pie, then Jep turned to Gunnar.
“Son, I didn’t know about you. I swear I didn’t. I never would’ve left you with her if I’d known about you. You have to understand that.”
It was as if a switch in me flipped and I was instantly irate at my dad. Logically I couldn’t fault him, I’d felt the exact same way, but I’d asked him to leave it alone tonight. One night. One night to let Gunnar get used to the idea of having a father. My anger at Jep for twelve years of looking the other way jumped into the brewing shit storm.
“He doesn’t have to understand shit. He’s a kid who had the misfortune of being born to a monster. A monster you apparently had no problem sticking it to.” I instantly regretted saying the words in front of Gunnar but I wasn’t going to back down now.
“You will not speak to me like that.” Barely keeping his voice in check, Jep leaned threateningly toward me.
Oh hell no. “I will speak any damn way I want. My house, my rules, and I’m gonna tell you how this goes down. You will not dump your guilt on him. You will not tell him what he should or should not understand. You will not tell him what to do. Period. He survived eleven years without a single word from you.” I sucked in a breath and tried to check it. “I found him and I’m glad as hell I have a brother and he has me, but you had a responsibility and you blew it. You don’t have unprotected sex with a child abuser and not check nine months later.” Shoving my chair back, I stood and braced my hands on the table. I was shaking with the rage I was trying to keep in check but I was right. I knew I was fucking right.
Jep came halfway out of his seat. “You have no idea what you’re talking about. I took a vow, a vow! For better or worse and that fucking meant something. I walked away from her for you! I walked away from my marriage and from a woman who needed me, for you!”
“I don’t give a shit what she needed. Don’t you dare make this about me, you made your goddamn choices.”
Veins popping, face red, my dad let me have it. “You don’t know what she came from. She couldn’t fucking help it!”
“Help it? Help it? That’s supposed to mean something to me? I was a kid, Gunnar is a kid, we were the fucking victims.”
My dad slammed his fist on the table. “So was she!”
Everything went still. “What?”
“So was she,” he repeated, chest heaving.
I stared as he fell back in his seat.
“Your mother was sexually abused by her father.” Jep rubbed his hands over his face, then stared at his lap. “I didn’t know until after I married her. By then, what could I do? I loved her. I knew she wasn’t right, but I loved her. Everything got worse after she became a mother but she wouldn’t get help. I couldn’t leave her. I didn’t want to do that to her.” He lifted his head and looked at me. “She couldn’t help the way she was, it wasn’t her fault.”
Jesus Christ.
“I’m sorry,” he said quietly.
“You had a responsibility.” Vows or not, he’d should’ve protected us.
His nostrils flared, once, twice. “You’re right,” he admitted.
I shoved off the table. “Don’t play the fucking martyr, I’m not putting up with that bullshit.” I could see he was sorry but I was fucking angry and worse, all the anger was morphing into something I had no idea how to control. I didn’t want to feel sorry for her. I didn’t want to understand or forgive her. I’d never forgive her for hitting me. Now that Gunnar was my responsibility, I knew I could never hit a kid. I would never raise a hand in anger toward him.
“Fine.” Jep sighed.
Inhaling, I tr
ied to tone it down and bring us back to where this whole fucked-up conversation started. “Don’t push Gunnar,” I warned but my voice had come down a notch.
“Fine.”
I stepped back and ran my hands over my head before I turned to Gunnar. “You okay?”
Eyes wide as hell, he’d shrunk six inches in his chair. “Yeah,” he whispered.
I took it as a good sign that he didn’t shrug or nod.
“I’m sorry, son,” Jep apologized quietly to Gunnar.
“It’s okay.” Gunnar was staring at his hands.
Jep, looking ten years older than when he’d walked through my door tonight, pushed back in his chair and stood. “I’m going to bunk in a hotel. I’ll see you boys in the morning. Breakfast?”
“You can stay here. I’ll take the couch.” I didn’t know why I was offering. I wasn’t sure I was done being mad at him and I never gave up my bed.
Jep patted me on the shoulder. “Thank you, but it’s better this way, we’ll get a good night’s sleep.” He looked at Gunnar. “You’re a good kid. No matter what your birth certificate says, I’m proud to call you son.” He flicked a thumb my way. “Don’t be scared of this one, he’s fierce like a junkyard dog when he feels protective. It’s not a bad thing. Goodnight, boys.” And he walked out.
Gunnar’s shoulders sagged when the front door closed.
“I’m not mad at you.” I thought I should clarify.
“I know.” He didn’t look at me.
Did he? We needed to talk about what just happened but I didn’t know if it was too soon. Fuck it. I didn’t want this to fester. “Do you walk to talk about this?”
“No.”
Shit. “Do you understand what Jep told us?” I knew he wasn’t sheltered—fuck, he’d asked me that first night in the hotel room if I was going to have sex—but that didn’t mean he’d grasped what Jep was saying.
His feet shuffled. “I kinda already knew.”
You couldn’t have shocked me more. How much shit could the world dump on this kid? “How?”
He shrugged. “Maisy told me.”
“Maisy?”
“Grandma’s friend.”
“The woman you and Georgia stayed with told you?” I was incredulous.
“It wasn’t like bad, or anything. She wasn’t being mean, she was just like, you know, trying to help me, I think. Mom got mad at me one night and she...she just got really mad, and later?” He shrugged again. “Maisy came and told me it wasn’t my fault and that Mom couldn’t help herself because her dad was mean to her and, you know, did things to her.”