by Kelly, A. S.
“Do you think I would have?”
“Well, I’m normally spared the details of your sex life, so…”
“There’s nothing to tell you.”
“Mmm.”
“Can you stop with the mmm? You’re getting on my nerves.”
“Can I tell you what I think?”
“I’m sure you’ll tell me anyway.”
“You’re not telling me anything because, whatever it is, it’s not like the other times.”
“Don’t you think that’s a bit over-the-top?”
“You always tell me about dates, guys you go out with, sometimes even who you’ve fucked – but you haven’t told me anything about this rugby-playing friend, who hangs out with Evan and turns up here unannounced.”
“Jesus, Martin, you’re impossible!”
“I’m observant, and I noticed how he wanted to jump at my neck when I slid my hand down your back.”
“Did you do it deliberately?”
“Obviously. I wanted to see how he’d react.”
“You’ll never change.”
“I’m worried about you.”
“Well, you should’ve thought about that before you left me for someone else.”
“Chris…” He comes over and wraps his arms around me. “I just want what’s best for you.”
“We’re home!” Evan’s voice shocks us. “Oh Jesus!” he exclaims as soon as he sees us.
Wait a minute. We?
I suddenly push Martin’s arms away, but it’s already too late.
Ryan is frozen just a few paces away from us, and he has a face like thunder. Not that his face could ever be ugly at all – but let’s just say that I don’t like his expression. One eyebrow is slightly raised, his jaw is clenched, and the tension on his face spreads down through his body. Awkwardness descends onto the room. I’m completely incapable of saying anything.
“We meet again…” Martin says, his tone menacing. His arm is still wrapped around my shoulder.
“I guess we do,” Ryan responds, taking a few steps towards us. His tone isn’t exactly light and cheery.
“So…what brings you here?” The sentence doesn’t quite come out right.
Ryan clears his throat. “I brought Evan home.”
“I thought Nick was bringing him home.”
He grinds his teeth.
“Maybe we should be properly introduced,” Martin interrupts.
“Maybe,” Ryan responds through gritted teeth.
“I’m Martin,” he says, his hand outstretched.
“Ryan,” he says, shaking Martin’s hand so hard that you can see the veins popping out. He might actually break it.
He lets go, slowly, never breaking eye contact.
Am I wrong, or do I see a hint of jealousy?
“So…how did it go?” I ask Evan, trying to shift the attention onto him.
“Oh, it was awesome! Ryan’s so good. He played for the whole match – he even scored a try and the crowd went mad and…”
“Okay, that’s enough, kid,” Ryan stops him, ruffling his hair, clearly embarrassed.
“So you had fun?”
“Hell, yeah! I didn’t expect it to be so…hard. For real men.”
“Listen to him,” Martin interjects. “For real men.”
Evan shrugs, missing his father’s point. I understand it completely. There’s a clear fight brewing here to establish who’s the Alpha male. And I don’t like it at all.
“I even went into the changing rooms with the team. Nick took me.”
“I’m glad you had fun.”
“Do you want something to drink, Ryan?” Evan asks suddenly.
“No, thanks. I should get going.”
“Sure? Not even a beer?” Martin opens the fridge and takes one, as if it were his beer, his fridge. His house.
He’s doing it on purpose and it’s pissing me off.
“Maybe another time,” Ryan says, flatly.
“Okay. Well, thanks for bringing our son home. Feel free to come visit us whenever you like.”
Why does he have to be like this?
I elbow him in the ribs, but to no avail.
“See you soon,” Ryan turns on his heels and strides towards the front door. He opens it then slams it shut behind him, sending the vibration right through me.
“You’re a dick, Dad,” Evan says accusingly.
“Evan!” we both cry in unison.
“Why did you have to do that?”
“I…”
“I know what you’re doing. You always do the same thing. God! If you don’t want to stay with us, if you don’t love Mum, just leave her alone!”
I’ve never seen Evan so angry in my life.
“You know I love your mother,” Martin soothes.
“And you know exactly what I mean! Just leave her alone – actually, leave us both alone!” Evan yells, before storming upstairs, while I stand there, speechless, my mouth hanging open.
“What the hell…?”
“I’ll go and talk to him,” I interrupt. “And when I come back down, I’d rather not find you here,” I say harshly. Then I head upstairs to join my son.
I knock at the door. “Can I come in?”
“Are you alone?”
“It’s just me.”
“Yeah, you can come in.”
I approach the bed, where he’s lying splayed on his back, and sit down next to him.
“I hate him. Sometimes, I really hate him!”
“Evan.”
“You should hate him too.”
I smile at him. “I don’t hate your father.”
He scoffs, dragging himself into a sitting position. “Well, maybe you should just send him off. Don’t let him in when he knocks at the door. Don’t let him always get involved with our lives.”
“Is that really what you think?”
He nods.
“Maybe him being here has made you think that we…?”
“No, Mum. No! That’s the point. Him being here is just…useless. Actually, it’s annoying! Did you see what he was doing?”
“Evan, your father…”
“Dad decided not to live with us, to have his own life… Well, he can go and live it – as long as it’s not in here!”
“Why are you so angry? I don’t get it.”
“No, you don’t get it! He…He holds you back, keeps you tied to him.” He gets up impatiently. “Mum, you know, right, that Dad will never love you?”
What is suddenly standing in front of me is not a sixteen-year-old boy.
“Because I know it,” he continues, “And I know that, deep down, you know it too. So, you can’t let him do it.”
“Do what?”
“Control your life. Control both of our lives!”
“You think so?”
He looks at me, determined. “Yes.”
“I thought it was nice to have him around.”
“Mum,” he sits back down and takes my hand. “I’m fine. Actually, I’m great. But you…”
“I’m fine, too.”
“I like Ryan,” he says dryly.
I jump up, trying to escape the discussion.
“I really like him.”
“Evan…”
“And he likes you.”
I whip around, facing him.
“Don’t make that face. You know it, too.”
“That’s not true. Come on, Evan – he’s younger than me, unbelievably good-looking, a rugby champion. And I’m just…”
“And he likes you,” he says, standing up and approaching me. “He likes you, Mum.”
I shake my head.
“And now he thinks that Dad…”
“Honey, it’s nice that you want to see me with someone, but Ryan…he’s Ryan. It’s okay if you want to be friends, but that doesn’t mean that he and I can…”
“I don’t care about being his friend. I like him because he likes you, Mum. And I just want to see you happy with someone who isn’t Dad.”
I feel the tears start to prickle my eyelids.
Is that really what he sees? What I’ve let him think? That I’m just waiting around for his father? What kind of mum am I?
“Evan…” I try to smile at him, even though I want to burst into tears. “Maybe one day I’ll find someone, but it’s not Ryan. He’s not right for us. Do you know what I mean?”
Evan looks at me for a few moments without saying anything, then nods and turns to sit back down on the bed.
“He likes you, Mum,” he says again. And the worst thing is that my heart almost falls for it.
39
Ryan
“Ryan?” Riley’s shocked to see me at their front door. “What are you doing here?”
I run a hand nervously through my hair.
“I wanted to see Ian.”
“Weren’t you just with him?”
“Not exactly.”
“He’s gone out for a beer with the guys.”
“Okay,” I say through my teeth.
“Do you want to come in? You could wait for him here.”
“No, it doesn’t matter.”
“Ryan,” Riley lightly grabs my arm. “Come inside,” she smiles kindly, stepping aside to let me in. “Can I get you a beer?”
I nod and drop onto the sofa. She comes back and hands me the bottle, then sits down next to me.
“Is everything okay?”
“Everything’s great,” I say, taking a few sips.
“I saw the match on TV. You were amazing.”
I force a smile.
“I’d have loved to come, but I felt really ill today.”
I look at her as she places a cushion against her back. It’s not long now until she has the baby.
“How’s it going?” I ask suddenly.
“Mmm?”
“The baby.”
I’m not good at making conversation, but Riley doesn’t push me. She never does. I always wonder how the hell Ian found a woman like her.
“She’s good.”
“And you?”
A smile lights up her whole face.
“I am, too. Thanks for asking.”
“I don’t do it enough, do I?” I ask, feeling like a piece of shit.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It does, though.”
“It’s okay, Ryan. You’re just…you. And I like you just the way you are.”
I swallow, with difficulty. I’ve done nothing to deserve her affection. To be honest, I’ve been a pretty awful brother-in-law and soon-to-be-uncle.
“Because I’m Ian’s brother?”
“Because I’ve got to know you and I’ve seen your good sides.”
“You really think I have good sides?”
“Of course you do. Everyone has them, you included.”
She moves around on the sofa, struggling to find a more comfortable position. I put my beer down on the coffee table and take her legs.
“What are you doing?” she asks, alarmed.
“You’re uncomfortable, and I’m taking up the whole sofa. Come on, put your legs up on me.”
She flushes red.
“Ian won’t kill me, I swear,” I tell her, as I lightly grab her ankles, lifting them across my legs.
She sighs with relief and stretches out.
“Better?”
“Yeah, thanks. I get so tired in the evenings…”
“Maybe you shouldn’t still be working.”
“It’s just for a few more weeks. Then I’ll be on maternity leave.”
“Good,” I smile, involuntarily.
Riley’s the only person who can bring out that little bit of humanity buried inside me.
“How come you didn’t go out and celebrate with the others?” she asks me.
“I didn’t feel like it.”
“But you came here.”
“I just needed…I wanted to…”
“Someone,” she says, kindly.
I nod in embarrassment.
She takes my hand, which is still resting on her leg, and squeezes it.
“It’s not a weakness, you know: admitting you need someone in your life.”
I shake my head.
“That ship sailed way too long ago.”
“Maybe you’ll get another chance. Not all missed opportunities are a bad thing, even though it can seem like that at first. Sometimes it was just the wrong time, the wrong place.”
I laugh sadly.
“It’s okay to be angry, to be sad and feel down. You need it – the pain helps you come out the other side. But there’s light, Ryan: you just have to follow it, and you’ll see that, bit by bit, the pain’ll fade. And there’ll be new emotions to keep the pain at bay.”
I look at her. Riley always has a flicker of sadness in her eyes, something that makes her real and vulnerable; but she also has strength, and kindness. Her past wasn’t easy: a violent father, who abused her and her brother Jamie for years, right up to the day that he beat her so badly that she was taken to hospital. She was almost eighteen years old, and Jamie was still underage. They arrested their father and took her brother away. She ended up sleeping on the street, and it took a lot of time and hard work to get her life back together, to regain custody of Jamie. She raised him, put him first, helped him to become the champion that he is today. She never thought of herself, hiding behind others for years to protect their past – but also to protect themselves, knowing that remembering could make them suffer.
Then my dickhead brother arrived. He fell in love with her right away, but it took years for them to get together. Ian has abandonment issues: his mother left him when he was a boy. He was fifteen years old when he came to us – Nick brought him home one evening, after finding him sleeping under the bleachers of the school sports field, where he’d been hiding for days. My parents didn’t think twice before taking him in, and he legally became my brother when they adopted him. But Ian never forgot about his mother, his fear of being abandoned again an open wound, preventing him from trusting anyone. He never let himself love, never let women into his life.
But Riley is Riley, and he – well, he fell for her. Now they’re together, and they’re expecting a baby. Maybe this means that there’s a second chance for everyone, despite their past, their wounds and their pain.
“Is that how it works for you?” I ask her bluntly.
Her gaze softens again. “More or less.”
“Does that mean you’re not really happy?”
“No, I am happy. But there will always be parts of me that are shattered, that I can never put back together. But that doesn’t stop me from living in the present, from appreciating how far I’ve come and who I am today. I have so much to live for, without letting the past keep dictating my life.”
“Do you think that could happen for me too?”
I don’t know why I’m asking her this.
“I’m sure it can. If you just let her see who you really are…”
“H-her?” I ask, panic-stricken.
“Oh Ryan…” Riley shakes her head. “Do you think I’m stupid? That we all are?”
“W-we?”
She laughs – but she isn’t making fun of me.
“I think we managed to work something out…at least you’ve stopped following her into toilets now…”
“This again?”
“If you just try to be…you.”
“But this is me, Riley. I am what you see.”
She looks at me, one eyebrow raised, with an expression that says I know who you are, and so do you.
“Little Ryan,” she says affectionately. For the first time, the word ‘little’ doesn’t piss me off. “You’re trying to be who you want to be, but that isn’t you. We all know it – and, by now, I think she does, too.”
40
Chris
There must be something wrong with me. Something seriously wrong. What am I doing? Why have I been sitting in my car for half an hour, just to…what? Wait for him to walk past? Or wait for a
n epiphany, maybe?
What was I thinking, coming here? Driving around the neighbourhood, peering through windows – what was I hoping to find? Was he just going to magically appear from nowhere?
Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. I repeat it over and over, smacking my head against the steering wheel.
I’ve had a busy day. Work was hectic. Between colleagues, customers, phone calls from my parents, questions from Evan, and Martin’s constant messages to check how I am, my head has been all over the place.
I closed up in a rush, without even clearing the café up properly, then found myself here, in Northwood, for no apparent reason.
Actually, yes. There is a reason. A dangerous reason. A reason called Ryan O’Connor.
I know that he lives around here, but there are so many houses and buildings that it’d be impossible to find him. What can I do? Check every name on every letter box? Then what happens if I find his house? Do I knock on the door, tell him…what?
I smack my head against the steering wheel again, waiting for logic to return, when I hear someone knocking on the window.
I snap my head up in a panic, to see Nick’s smug face. I lower the window a little and grimace at him.
“What are you doing here?” he asks, looking around. “Are you lost?”
“Me? No…I was just looking…I have a friend who lives around here, and I’ve forgotten the house number and…”
Jesus, I’m a bad liar.
Nick nods, a smile still plastered over his face. I think he knows exactly why I’m here.
I’m such a mess.
He walks around to the other side and opens the passenger door, sitting down next to me.
“What are you doing?” I ask, worried.
“Come on, I’ll show you the building.”
“W-what building?”
He looks at me condescendingly.
“You’re in the wrong street. This is where I live. See? Right there, in that building, Temple Court. He lives in the new buildings, down there – they called it Parklands. It’s still in Northwood, but on the other side of the main road.”
“H-he?” I stammer again.
“I don’t exactly think you’re here looking for me.”
I go violently red.
“Come on. Start the engine up and take the first right.”
I do what he says and pull into the road. Nick gives me directions and I follow them – but I’m not brave enough to look at him.