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Copyright © 2018 by Stephanie Wittels Wachs
Cover and internal design © 2018 by Sourcebooks, Inc.
Cover design by Jillian Rahn/Sourcebooks, Inc.
Cover image © subjug/Getty Images
Cover photo courtesy of the author
Sourcebooks and the colophon are registered trademarks of Sourcebooks, Inc.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems—except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews—without permission in writing from its publisher, Sourcebooks, Inc.
“You Are My Sunshine” by Jimmie Davis. Copyright © 1940 by Peer International Corporation. Copyright renewed. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
Photo on p. 114 © 2014 NBCUniversal Media, LLC. Used by permission.
Email on p. 12 and tweets on p. 147 © Sarah Silverman. Used by permission.
Photo on p. 158 © Robyn Von Swank. Used by permission.
This book is a memoir. It reflects the author’s present recollections of experiences over a period of time. Some names and characteristics have been changed, some events have been compressed, and some dialogue has been re-created.
All brand names and product names used in this book are trademarks, registered trademarks, or trade names of their respective holders. Sourcebooks, Inc., is not associated with any product or vendor in this book.
Published by Sourcebooks, Inc.
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Wittels Wachs, Stephanie, author.
Title: Everything is horrible and wonderful : a tragicomic memoir of genius, heroin, love, and loss / Stephanie Wittels Wachs.
Description: Naperville, Illinois : Sourcebooks, [2018]
Identifiers: LCCN 2017046007 | (hardcover : alk. paper)
Subjects: LCSH: Wittels Wachs, Stephanie. | Wittels, Harris. | Drug addicts--Family relationships--United States. | Heroin abuse--United States. | Brothers and sisters--United States.
Classification: LCC HV5805 .W58 2018 | DDC 362.29/3092273--dc23 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017046007
Contents
Front Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Foreword
01: Day One
02: Before
03: Week One
04: Week Two
05: Week Three
06: One Month
07: Before
08: Two Months
09: Before
10: Three Months
11: Before
12: Four Months, Two Weeks, Six Days
13: Five Months
14: Before
15: Five Months, One Week, Two Days
16: Six Months, One Week
17: Before
18: Seven Months
19: Seven Months, Four Days
20: Before
21: Eulogy
22: Eight Months, Six Days
23: Nine Months
24: Nine Months, Six Days
25: Before
26: Nine Months, One Week, Four Days
27: Before
28: Before
29: Ten Months, Three Days
30: Before
31: Ten Months, Five Days
32: Before
33: Ten Months, One Week
34: Ten Months, One Week, Six Days
35: Ten Months, Two Weeks, Two Days
36: A Month Before
37: Eleven Months, Two Weeks, Five Days
38: A Week Before
39: Eleven Months, Three Weeks, Six Days
40: One Year
41: One Year, One Day
42: Epilogue
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Back Cover
For Harris and Iris
Foreword
by Aziz Ansari
When Stephanie first told me about the idea of her book, I thought it was fantastic. All the writing she had done since her brother’s passing was so raw and honest, like her brother.
I had also found writing to be a helpful way to cope with Harris’s sudden death. Days after his passing, I wrote a long piece trying to capture my favorite personal moments with Harris. It included anecdotes that many of his friends and colleagues shared the night of his passing. These were great stories that to me really encapsulated what was so unique and charming about Harris, and also what was so sad about losing him.
As I began to write this foreword, I soon realized I would never capture what I felt as I did when I first wrote down my thoughts of Harris passing days after.
It was cathartic for me and made me feel less helpless to attempt to share what I loved so much about my friend with a larger audience and try to give others a chance to learn of Harris through small, real moments.
When Stephanie and I spoke, we quickly decided my foreword would be best used to just showcase that piece as it was first posted. We present it here unedited in its form from when I wrote it days after Harris passing. I hope this, and Stephanie’s book, help give you a better picture of the very special person we lost.
Also, it makes me laugh to imagine Harris thinking, “So you just used the same thing you wrote a while ago as a foreword?! Laaaaaaazzzzyyyyy.”
RIP Harris Wittels. 1984–2015.
There are so few people that you meet in life that give you that feeling that you’ve found a real unique, original person. Harris Wittels was one of those and we lost him yesterday. He was 30 years old. I’ve been devastated.
I’m still waiting for the other phone call to let me know that Harris is okay and this was all a horrible misunderstanding. I don’t know when my brain is going to be able to process the terrible feeling that fills my heart with dread and my eyes with tears every 20 seconds when I realize this very special person is really gone.
So, I wanted to write something to share my stories about Harris and what he meant to me.
I first knew Harris as a stand-up. I’d have him open shows quite a bit, and he was always fantastic. As his career as a writer took off, he got busy. He’d say that he didn’t have time or wasn’t working on stand-up at the time. Sadly, he had just started back working his stand-up, which made me thrilled as a fan. His stand-up, like his real-life personality, was open, honest (way more honest than how most people refer to honest in their stand-up), and hilarious.
As a writer, we worked on two films that never saw the light of day. The first was Olympic Sized Asshole. The premise was Danny McBride and I were two best friends who lived in South Carolina whose girlfriends had a three-way with a super-handsome star Olympic athlete (think Channing Tatum). We did a rough outline of it together, and then Harris went off to write the script.
Around this time in my career, I was very puzzled by film scripts. None of the ones
I read ever made me laugh. I figured that I must not know how to read scripts properly. Maybe these things were funnier in person than on the page.
Then I got Harris’s first draft of Olympic.
Every page had a huge laugh. I couldn’t believe it. Jody Hill and I called each other and were just rolling about our favorite jokes.
I was DYING.
Here’s a little chunk I found looking through old notes. The script was just full of great jokes like this:
GLEN
Guys, I’m sorry. I can’t give you that promotion.
FOREST
But we’ve been waiters here for seven years.
GLEN
There’s a reason for that.
KEVIN
Come on, Glen. You owe us. Who lent you your first and last month’s rent for your new place?
GLEN
You never did that.
KEVIN
But I would. I’d do it in a second. But I can’t without a raise. So just come on already.
Another bit I loved was when Danny’s character and my character pitch a business idea in the beginning of the movie.
Forest clicks the first slide: A photo of Forest seated on the toilet with his underwear still on.
KEVIN (CONT’D)
What if I told you my friend Forest was taking a shit in that picture?
FOREST
What am I thinking? Dropping two’s with my underwear still on? I’ve lost my goddamned mind…or have I?
He clicks the next slide: a shot of him from behind with a trap-door opening in his underwear.
KEVIN
Let us introduce you to Shidderz. It’s like the hole in your underwear for peeing out of, but for dumps. Which is also the slogan.
A slide with a picture of the underwear and text that reads: “Shidderz: It’s like the hole for peeing out of, but for dumps.”
KEVIN (CONT’D)
How many times has this happened to you? You’re stumbling to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
(MORE)
KEVIN (CONT’D)
You’re disoriented, maybe still drunk. You have a time sensitive “shit”uation on your hands. You gotta get there quick, but also the bare ass on a toilet seat in the middle of the night can be a cold cold place. Normally, this would be a problem, but not for you - you’re wearing Shidderz. Any questions?
HANES EMPLOYEE #1 raises his hand.
There was also a part that would be played by Paul Giamatti. I think this was something he just added as a last-minute addition that wasn’t even in the outline.
BRANDON, a chipper fellow in a Bozard’s staff shirt who looks identical to Paul Giamatti enters.
FOREST (CONT’D)
Paul Giamatti. No way!
Toby gives Brandon a hug.
TOBY
Hey, Brandon! Guys, this is my cousin, Brandon. He works here now.
BRANDON
And lets lay all the questions to rest now. Yes, I got reconstructive surgery to look like Paul Giamatti on that MTV show, “Make My Face Look Like That Guy’s Face.”
RAMON
That’s tight. I loved “Sideways,” fool.
BRANDON
Believe me, I love it too. Sadly, this didn’t really pan out financially as I’d hoped. So here I am with you fine folks.
FOREST
Not sure how you thought you were gonna make bank on that one, but you look like Paul Giamatti like a motherfucker. So good job.
Kevin enters fuming.
Eventually, the project faded away as many movie projects tend to do.
But, after that, any time I worked on anything, I insisted that Harris Wittels be one of the writers. He was the first name I asked for every time. When I worked on the MTV Movie Awards. Those Randy videos for Funny People. Anytime I did a dumb commercial. Any time I needed to get joke writers, I always asked for Harris to help because he was truly the best of the best. And I was so lucky that he always said yes.
Most jokes when read by “comedy people” don’t get a laugh per se. You just read it and go, “Oh that’s funny” and you understand it would get a laugh. You eventually just know how jokes are constructed, and you aren’t as easily surprised. Harris was part of that rare breed where you wouldn’t see his shit coming. His jokes were so weird, unexpected, often brilliantly dumb that they were in that ultra-exclusive club of ones that made comedy people laugh—and laugh hard. This was why Harris was such a go-to for everyone. Anyone that was ever in a writers’ room with him knew he was probably the funniest comedy writer out there. He was just a machine.
Remember the Obama-Galifianakis Funny or Die video?
GALIFIANAKIS
So, are you gonna run a third time?
OBAMA
I don’t think that’d be a very good idea. That’d be like making a third Hangover movie.
I thought that was by far the best joke in that thing and maybe anything I watched last year. I found out today that it was a Wittels original. Of course.
Harris was also known as the chuffah king. Chuffah is the random nonsense characters in a scene talk about before getting to the meat of it that leads to story. Here’s one of the best chuffah moments from Parks from the “Hunting Season” episode:
TOM
Your favorite kind of cake can’t be birthday cake; that’s like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.
DONNA
I love breakfast cereal.
Harris excelled at coming up with hilarious, random nonsense like this. It was a tool that no one else seemed to have. I’m not a big podcast listener, but today I found out this was also kind of the fuel for Harris’s Foam Corner (or Harris’s Phone Corner) from Comedy Bang! Bang! podcast. Here’s a playlist that is filled with this kind of hilarious, awful nonsense from Harris: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLBB4729D88A16451A.
Here’s some highlights I found on Tumblr today:
“One time I said to a guy that ‘I loved learning new things. I’m a bit of an infomaniac.’ And he thought I said NYMPHOMANIAC…so he fucked me. And I said ‘No, no, no… I said INFO. I’m an INFOmaniac’ And he said ‘Well, here’s some info…you just got fucked. Clean yourself up.’”
“I hate smoking sections. Unless it’s Jim Carrey’s The Mask. Then the smoking section is my favorite part!”
“I’m not getting married until gay people can get married. Because I’m gay.”
Imagine being around a guy who was this uniquely silly all the damn time. That’s what it was like being in a writers’ room with Harris. It was just bullshit like this nonstop. And it was the best.
After we failed to get Olympic off the ground, we had another idea called Big Time. This was about myself and another guy becoming super-famous after a video of us saving a bunch of little black kids from a burning fire went viral. Again, the plan was that Harris and I would draft a story (this time with our friend Jason Woliner) and then Harris would bang out the script.
One of my favorite Harris stories was before writing this script we’d pitch the story to studios. In one part of the pitch, we had a bit where the two leads became quasi-famous and started attending B-level celeb parties. In describing this scene in our practice session, Harris would say, “Guys like Chris Pontius would be there.” I’d say, “Alright Harris, none of these execs know who Chris Pontius from Jackass is, don’t say that.”
At that point, he knew he had me. Every pitch—and keep in mind these are important pitches with studio heads, etc.—I would lead and then as soon as I got to that scene, he would throw it in with glee, “You know, guys like Pontius would be there.” He even dropped the Chris and was just saying Pontius. Last name only. Jason and I were dying.
Then, in an even more absurd move, he added a second part to this bit. During the pitc
h, he started saying, “Then the guys get famous, and they do all the talk shows: Letterman…Conan…Pontius Tonight…” To be clear, Pontius Tonight is a fictional show hosted by Chris Pontius that he made up just to make me laugh/fume. He said that execs would assume this was a real thing as to not seem out of touch. It was great. Harris would rather make all of us laugh than worry about jeopardizing these meetings.
He really seemed to relish getting laughs out of other comedians. Last night, the Parks writers staff and other friends shared Harris stories. One of my favorites was there was a serious email from NBC about a big sexual harassment seminar. Serious execs are cc’d along with Harris and the writers. Harris writes back, REPLY ALL, with this gem—now keep in mind EVERYONE is on this email, all the crew, so many higher-level producers and execs. Here we go:
NBC Mandatory Workplace Harassment Meeting
A brief reminder that we all have to attend a mandatory NBC Workplace Harassment Seminar this Friday, July 22nd at 8am here at the lot.
It will be downstairs in the basement Multi Purpose Room #1
there will be bagels.
and coffee
Thanks!
harris wittels
Will the bagels be shaped like pussy holes?
Sent from an old rotary telephone
As both our movies fizzled, Harris and I worked together on Parks and Rec. I was so thrilled when he got hired to be a writer, and the episodes where he was on set were ones I looked forward to. A writer on set would pitch alternate jokes and help you if you felt a scene didn’t work, who better than Harris in that situation? Talking to other writers on the show today, it was clear Harris’s contribution to the world of Pawnee was immense. I’m sure he wrote many of the lines that made you laugh throughout the show. Harris also eventually acted in the show as one of the animal control guys.
I also want to say, besides being so unbelievably hilarious, Harris was truly a sweet guy. He was so lovable even when saying the most disgusting things. You just couldn’t help but love him. He had the most ridiculous opinions on everything from food to dating to music, and he’d defend them to no end. He loved to make ridiculous boasts that he insisted he could achieve. Here are a few that I compiled:
• Do as good a job as Trent Reznor scoring The Social Network
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