“I don’t give a shit. You shouldn’t have locked me out.” His eyes narrowed. “You’ve been crying.” I didn’t appreciate the way he said it, like an accusation.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I still had a little pride left.
He sat on the edge of the bed, forcing my legs up to my chest. “You have been. You’ve been crying.”
My false bravado was all used up. I didn’t have the strength to deny it. Shadows in the doorway caught my attention, Addy and Warren hovered nearby. “You can tell them to go to bed. I’m fine.”
“That what you want? You want them to go away?” he asked.
“Yeah.” I really didn’t need an audience watching me fall apart. Plus, I wasn’t so selfish that I’d make a pregnant lady with high blood pressure stay up late to witness my emotional breakdown. I was supposed to be the one there for her. Fuck, I’d made a mess of things. Maybe that’s why my mother didn’t want me. I couldn’t do anything right.
I caught his wrist as he stood. “You’ll come back, right?”
He thumbed my cheek. “Of course, sweetheart. We’ll talk, yeah?”
I nodded mutely.
He crossed the room to the door. Words were murmured. The door’s hardware was broken but not the hinges. The door softly shut, it wouldn’t lock anymore but it still served its purpose, enclosing Ash and me in. He resumed his seat. I shuffled down to sit next to him, so we were thigh to thigh. A giant hand cupped my knee.
“Today’s a bad day,” I said. Of its own accord, my head tipped, resting heavily on Ash’s arm. The faintest scent of alcohol clung to his clothes. I needed to address it with him, the drinking. But my problems felt too big just then.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” was all he said.
I stared out the window. Night had come. Stockholm’s lights glittered. Such a shame I was too depressed to appreciate it. In fact, I’d decided I didn’t care for Sweden at all.
“Yeah,” I said. Then I told him everything. The words tumbled out like a fountain turned on. Every sordid detail. “She never wanted me,” I finished hollowly. A lesser woman might’ve started crying again, but I didn’t. Numb. I felt blank.
He tensed underneath me, body growing taut with anger. And somehow, it made me feel better, knowing someone was furious on my behalf. He breathed deep and exhaled, unwinding. “I wish I could make it better. But I know I can’t. I’d like to hold you anyway, would that be okay?”
I nodded mutely. Strong arms wrapped around. I buried my face into his chest and sobbed.
I awoke in the predawn hours. Still sad. It’s amazing, all the ways a heart can break. A large arm wrapped around me, big fingers splayed on my stomach. I placed my hand over Asher’s, locking my fingers with his.
“Lil?” His voice was rough with sleep.
“I’m still sad,” I said.
“I know, sweetheart. It might hurt for a while. No cure for heartbreak but time.”
I turned over. He shifted, his face above mine. Moonlight danced through the window. Stockholm’s clear day gave way to a clear night.
“How can I love you best right now?” he asked, moving a lock of hair from my cheek. The word love popped out, but I convinced myself he meant it as a friend, not as a lover.
I cupped his cheek; rough stubble met my palm. “Kiss me.”
He hesitated. “Lil.”
I bunched his shirt in my fists, drawing him closer. “I don’t want to feel this way anymore. Make me feel different. Take the bad away.”
“Oh, sweetheart.” His mouth descended. I welcomed his soft kiss, such tenderness, such devoutness. It lit a flame within me, burned away the bitterness. He was the call, and I was the answer. Slowly the kiss deepened. Tongues thrust against tongues. Our shirts came off, heated skin rubbed together. He peeled the rest of my clothing away, layer by layer, until I was naked before him.
“I know you’re so much more than what’s skin deep. But you gotta know you’re the best thing I’ve ever seen.” I closed my eyes for a moment, just listening to his words, letting them coast over my soul, heal it like a balm. He came down on top of me, lips finding mine again as I bucked against him. He groaned against my neck, hand gripping my thigh, spreading my legs wider.
“God. Asher.”
“Shh, sweetheart. Let me take care of you.” Any attempt at an argument was futile when his head dipped and disappeared between my thighs. One swipe of his tongue and I forgot how to form words, how to speak them. He fastened his mouth around my clit and sucked. My hips jerked.
He slid two fingers inside of me. My heart pounded in my ears. I became a wild thing underneath him, writhing and moaning, begging for more. He gave it, thrusting his digits in and out of me. Then he hooked his fingers, pressing that secret spot inside of me. In one blinding moment I came. Stars exploded. Whole fucking galaxies exploded. New worlds were born.
I sunk back into the bed as Ash crawled up my body, eyes intense as he braced above me. He’d freed himself from his jeans and I felt his hard-on rub my wet center.
I caressed his waist, scoring my nails up his torso. He trembled. His eyes darkened. Gooseflesh broke out over his skin. He buried his cock deep, slowly dragging it in and out of my body. His arm hooked around my waist bringing me closer. He pressed his lips to mine. The taste of him… Oh god, the taste of him, nothing had ever tasted better. We were fused together. My hands wrapped around his neck, holding on tight. This was the great love of my life. How had I ever doubted it?
The timing was bad, but I remembered my biker, his marriage proposal, and my refusal. You’re wrong. Someday you’ll realize how wrong you are. And I hope it’s not too late. Being married doesn’t mean a ball and chain. It’s someone constantly having your back. You’ll feel limitless with them, not limited. His words echoed in my ears. I felt limitless with Ash, as if I could do, be anything. Even an underpaid art history major. It didn’t matter to Ash. His happiness was my happiness and vice versa. That’s what love is.
A noise of pure hunger in Asher’s throat brought me back. His hands had moved to grip my hips, fingers biting. There’d be marks in the morning. I didn’t care. I wanted something to remember this moment. It seemed fitting he’d leave an impression on my skin. He’d left such a mark on my heart.
Teeth nipped at my earlobe, making me gasp. He covered my face in kisses, branding me. We were desperate for each other, couldn’t get enough. My heart beat loud, for him. He pounded into me. I belonged to him. Not in a possessive way, but in the way of one soul calling for the other. I’d give and give to this man until there was nothing left.
He came hard and I followed, my teeth imbedded in his neck. His body sagged over mine. I gladly took his weight, felt comforted by it. At length, he rolled from me. A shiver ran through me, loneliness crept in. Was he leaving? No. He removed his jeans and crawled in next to me, my back to his front. His arm wrapped around my waist and yanked me to him. Soon enough, deep, even breathing echoed through the room.
I could never count on my parents for anything, but one thing had remained constant: Asher Price. We’d had our time apart, but our affection for each other hadn’t waned. In fact, it had grown. The saying was true. Absence does make the heart grow fonder.
Sun blared in my face, rousing me from sleep. My head pounded and my eyes felt dry. I had a bitch of a crying hangover. Ash was already awake. He sat on the edge of the bed, broad back to me. His jeans were on, but he’d left his shirt off. I took a moment to admire him in the light, the planes of his muscular back. Slowly, I traced my fingers down his spine. He stiffened, turned his head so I could view his profile.
“Hey,” he said, voice rough with sleep.
“Morning,” I said.
“How you feeling?”
“Better.” And it was true. I’d mourned my parents last night. The death of our relationship. Grief never goes away. It’s like a package that gets smaller with time until you can carry it more easily.
“Good,” he said. “Y
ou remember everything from last night?”
“Of course I do.” I wasn’t the one with a drinking problem. But I didn’t say it. I rose up onto my knees, looped my arms around his neck, and kissed him there. His hands came to mine, disengaging me. “We need to talk.” He stood.
He loomed over me again. We’d been in a similar position the night before. I hadn’t minded then. Now it seemed paramount I should stand too. That I would need the equal footing for whatever was coming. “Okay,” I said, rising slowly from the bed. “Mind if I put some clothes on first?”
He jerked his chin, a silent permission. I took my time pulling on my clothes, adding a few extra layers—armor, as if going into battle. The silence in the room grew weightier with each of my stiff movements. Once done, I settled in a plush armchair in the corner, curling my legs into my chest. Ash had pulled on his T-shirt. He leaned against the wall and crossed his arms. The cords in his muscular arms bulged. He was so fine.
He scratched his chin, looked at his feet. “I’ve done some stupid shit when it comes to you—lost my temper, asked you for what I thought you wanted, quit talking when that’s all I should’ve been doing.” He stared straight at me, shadows beneath his clear blue eyes. My sleep had been restless, and I guess so had Ash’s. “I admit my mistakes.” He laid a fist over his heart. “I love you, Lily. If I were a smarter man, I might walk away knowing you can’t give me the same. But fuck me, I can’t. You got chains on me. That’s why I’m asking you to cut me loose. You gotta tell me to fuck off once and for all, Lil,” he finished. His hands balled into fists, every sharp line of him seemed wired.
I didn’t move. I didn’t speak. For a really long time. I catalogued every detail of Ash’s beautiful face. “You want to be free of me?” I asked, then held my breath. If he said yes, I’d walk away. It’d tear me up inside, damage me irreparably, but I’d do it. Because I loved him that much. Sometimes you really do have to let go. I realized this now. We weren’t ready all those years ago. We needed time to mature. Sow our oats. Ash asking for an open relationship may have been the best thing for us. Whoa, I never thought I’d say that. Who knows where we’d be now if we’d continued on as we were. Fighting over the same shit. Depending on our physical chemistry to keep us bonded.
A tongue played behind his cheek. “That’s not what I said. I know what I want. What I’ve always wanted. It’s you, Lil. You’re the love of my life. Like I said, I’ve fucked up. I’ll own it. But you got something inside that eats away at you. Your parents are shitty people. They did you wrong. Made it so you can’t accept what’s right in front of you.”
Confused, I asked, “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying you have to learn to love yourself before you can love me or accept my loving.”
“Did you just quote Audre Lorde to me?” I always carried with me a tattered copy of her collected poems. While in Europe the first time, I read to Ash from it. He would smoke cigarettes and weed or drink, eyes always closed.
“Told you, I’m into what you’re into.”
I just stared at him, transfixed.
He swore. “Say something, sweetheart.”
“There’s really nothing more to say,” I said.
He looked away, jaw ticking.
Twin tears rolled down my cheeks. “Other than I love you too.”
His mouth opened, shut again. His surprise was almost comical, and the corners of my mouth turned up of their own accord. I’d rendered the man speechless. Not a hard feat, considering it was Asher. Still, it was a moment I would never forget. A few steps and he was in front of me sinking to his knees. Hands sat on either side of my neck. His thumbs stroked my jaw. “Say it again,” he demanded.
My fingers threaded through his short hair. I pulled at the locks, forcing his gaze to mine. “I love you.” I waited a minute for it to sink in. “And for the record, I loved you back then too. I figured it out at the nightclub, but I never got to say it.” I believed everything happens for a reason. Ash and I weren’t ready then. Fate had other plans. We had to lose each other to understand what it meant to truly love one another. Or some sappy shit like that.
His arms wrapped around my waist. He held me tight, like he was afraid I might change my mind and disappear. But I wasn’t going anywhere.
“I love you,” he said, face buried in my hair. “Christ, but you’re a sickness.”
I laughed. “It might be best then, for you to stay away.”
“No. Consume me.”
Now
“I just want you to know you have options, Crazy.” Lix twirled a lock of my hair around his finger. We sat huddled together on a plush love seat. Not at all as tawdry as it sounds.
We’d jumped countries again from Sweden to Norway. I much preferred the Scandinavian monarchy to Stockholm. This had nothing to do with the actual places and much more to do with the distance it put between my parents and me. The wound was still fresh.
Anyway, we’d arrived in Norway. Ash did “band shit,” whatever that was. And now we were here at one of Oslo’s premiere nightclubs. All of us. Even Addy had insisted on coming. A VIP section had been cordoned off for the band. My friend and I had taken up residence in the lounge area. A plush armchair housed the heavily pregnant woman. Derren was taking a turn entertaining her. Whatever the bearded man was whispering had Addy in stitches. Lix went on, “I get Ash has this whole brooding-asshole thing going on, but wouldn’t you rather be with a semi-obsessive-compulsive bassist with narcissistic tendencies?”
I raised my brows. “Wow. An offer like that, how could I refuse?”
“I know, right?”
“You have lipstick on your neck.”
I couldn’t see the color Lix turned because of the dizzying strobe lights, but if I had to bet, I’d say it was somewhere between white and green. Pukish. Hand sanitizer was out of his pocket immediately. Lix’s OCD tendencies didn’t manifest much when he was around his bandmates or those he knew and trusted. But they did when he hooked up with women. He didn’t let them touch him. And kissing was a nonstarter. Kind of like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.
I half smiled, and Lix stopped slathering on the sanitizer. “That’s not funny.” He frowned at me. “You and Ash deserve each other.” He flipped me the bird then stomped off.
The seat beside me didn’t stay unoccupied for long. Having been ousted from Addy’s side by her ever-adoring husband, Derren switched places with Lix. He sipped a beer.
Warren was down on one knee in front of Addy. With a grin, Addy placed her palm over Warren’s heart. They murmured words to each other. I saw Addy mouth “I love you” to him. Warren turned, sitting between Addy’s legs, massaging her calves. Addy slouched back, eyes half-closed. Poor thing was probably exhausted. It was hours past her usual eight o’clock bedtime. Kelly hovered by. The murse slash personal security guard was no longer in Addy’s good graces. Not after prescribing three-times-daily blood pressure checks. He kept his distance, but his gaze hadn’t strayed from Addy.
“He’s drinking a lot.” Derren tipped his beer in Ash’s direction. My lover, best friend, and boyfriend was at the bar surrounded by hangers on and other assorted music industry professionals, a half-empty bottle of some expensive liquor in front of them.
I looked down at my hands in my lap. “I know.”
“Thought you two being back together would fix it. But it didn’t. Man’s got a problem. Record label will notice soon. Then he’s a hop, skip, and a jump to Betty Ford.”
I glared at Derren. “They can’t force him into rehab.”
“No, they can’t. But they’ll try. I’ve seen this before. I played for a while in another band after Wild Minds broke up.” I frowned. The band had formed when the guys were teens. They played in War and Ash’s garage and were tighter than a bull’s asshole in fly season. They’d signed a record deal early, skipping college to go on tour. Their success was all but assured until War met Addy. Addy’s dad freaked and used his star power to destroy Wild Minds. The
band disassembled for a short while. Far as I knew, none of them strayed very far. But I guess Derren had hooked up with another band. “We had a lead singer who was into all sorts of shit, loved the nose candy.” Derren tapped his nose. “Guy was a good time, but it wrecked his career. Now he’s working at Walmart and playing wedding gigs on the weekend. That happens to Ash, and he’ll be destroyed. Two things that man lives for, the guitar and you.”
Derren’s words confirmed my worst fears. I bit my cheek watching Asher. He followed a certain pattern the last few nights: drinking, then fucking me into oblivion. I’d turned a blind eye. Our relationship felt so fresh, so new, like the first bud of spring, a cold front could come in and wipe it out completely, kill the whole tree.
I’d like to reiterate my statement that nothing good happens after ten at night. A hand shook me awake. “Pssst. Lily, you awake?”
I opened one eye and studied my best friend. “Hi,” I said.
Addy bit her lip. “I don’t feel good. Look at my hands.” She thrust a hand in my face. It took a moment to focus on it. Next to me, Ash snored on. He’d put a healthy dent in a bottle of aquavit. Being the good girlfriend, I’d helped him home, only to have him pass out on me.
I clicked on the bedside lamp, not caring if I woke Ash. Under the soft light, I examined Addy’s hands; her fingers were swollen to near twice their size. “Have you showed Warren or Kelly?” I asked.
She shook her head. “No. They’ll freak out, and then I’ll freak out. I’ve got a terrible headache. The light is hurting my eyes.”
I turned off the lamp. “Better?” I asked.
Though dark, I could still make out her profile and quick nod. “A little bit.” She paused. “I think I need to go to the hospital.” Addy hated hospitals—a phobia that was well-earned, since she’d had a traumatic experience at one.
The gravity of the situation hit me square in the chest. “Right.” I didn’t stop to think. My body began to move. I ushered Addy into the suite’s living room and sat her down. In the bathroom, I wetted a washcloth and placed it over Addy’s eyes. “Close your eyes,” I directed. “Try to relax.”
Bad Rules Page 17