After about an hour of being questioned, I was finally allowed to leave. I went straight home, even though I was supposed to go to Jakiyah’s place. I wasn’t feeling up to it. I had so much on my mind right now. I was now thinking that if Tamara really was pregnant with my seed and I had just talked to her there in the parking lot, I could have saved her life. So many thoughts were going through my head; I just needed a few drinks right now to take my mind off what had happened.
I had been home for only about twenty minutes, and I was already on my fifth drink, but I still couldn’t get the image of the cab slamming into Tamara’s body out of my head. I heard a knock at my door. I knew it was Jakiyah, so I got up to let her in. She had already told me that she was on her way. She’d said that she was worried about me. When we’d talked over the phone earlier, I had started blaming myself for what had happened. I believed that this was my fault and that I could have prevented it if I had tried harder to calm Tamara down, instead of continuing to push her away.
As soon as Jakiyah stepped through the door, she continued to try to convince me that I wasn’t responsible for Tamara’s actions, but I still felt like there was something I could have done.
“Bae, she said she was pregnant,” I slurred.
“She may have or may not have been, but you can’t beat yourself up about it. It’s unfortunate that she had to lose her life, but this is not your fault. Remember, you’re a victim in all of this. You didn’t owe her anything,” she stressed.
“She was trying to tell me something before she died, but all I could make out was her saying this wasn’t her fault.”
“Well, we will never know, and you have to stop this. It’s over, and there’s nothing you could have done,” she offered before she kissed me on my lips.
I went upstairs to shower after Jakiyah offered to make us something to eat. Even though I told her that I didn’t feel like eating, she insisted. I called my pops to tell him what had happened, before he saw it on the news tonight. My father no longer lived in New York, but I knew he still watched the news, and anytime he saw a shooting in New York on television, he would call to make sure I wasn’t the victim. My mother had left my father when I went to college, which didn’t surprise me, because they had always had a rocky relationship. He had always been cheating with the kind of women he always told me to steer clear of. My mother now lived in Vermont with her new husband, Donovan. She wanted me to move there with them, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable living with either of my parents if they weren’t together. I visited them both from time to time, but I would never consider an offer to stay.
After I got out of the shower, I went back downstairs to have dinner with Jakiyah. I thanked her for being here for me and for cooking. She asked me if I had told the officers about what Tamara did to me, and I told her the truth, that I hadn’t. Tamara was already dead, so I hadn’t felt that it needed to be mentioned. I’d just told them that she was an ex-girlfriend who had snapped because I didn’t want to be with her anymore. I changed the subject. I didn’t want to talk about what had happened today anymore. After dinner, we watched television, until she went up to shower. Then we got in bed, and I held her until we both drifted off to sleep.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Tamia
I was so hurt and confused right now. I couldn’t, for the life of me, understand why Tamara would take her own life. I knew she cared for Qua, but I didn’t know she was that far gone over him to end her life. Had I known, I would not have asked her to come back here to do this for me, and it was eating me up inside. I was hurting because her father had had her body flown down South and had told me that I wasn’t welcome at her funeral, so I didn’t get to say good-bye to my sister. How could he blame me for her taking her own life? I’d had no idea that she stopped taking her medication. I’d had my suspicions, but I didn’t know for sure. I swear, he made me hate him that much more than I already did, and I wished he had died when my mother stabbed his ass.
The only good thing that came out of my sister’s death was the fact that German was back to being attentive to my every need. I thought about when my sister had said that I fell in love with German the same way she had fallen for Qua, and it made me think that had I kept it strictly business with German, maybe she would have done the same with Qua and thus would still be here. I was starting to think that maybe it was my fault that she killed herself, because when I sensed that she wasn’t taking her medication, I should have said something to her. Tamara and I both had been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and for the most part, I did take my medication. I knew that when I didn’t, it would always cause problems in my relationship with German. I would always become unstable, and that would have him questioning my sanity.
“Tamia, can I get you anything?” German called from outside the bathroom door.
I was sitting in the bathroom because I needed a breather from him. I wished that he would just leave and hang out with Ty, like he did after work sometimes. I needed some space to think, and he was smothering me right now. I hadn’t even had time to sit and mourn my sister in peace. It was really starting to irk me. Although it had felt good in the beginning to have him back to have him showing me that he cared, I had had enough of him not letting me do anything for myself. For instance, he had offered to call my job to ask for bereavement leave on my behalf when he noticed that I hadn’t made the call. He’d picked up my phone to get the number, causing me to panic and grab the phone and tell him that I would call myself. He’d looked at me strangely, but he hadn’t say anything.
So I decided that soon I was going to tell him that I had lost the job when I did not return to work after the four bereavement days that they had given me. I was tired of pretending to go to work every day, anyway, and the manager at Starbucks was starting to get suspicious of me; I’d been going there every single day, and I would just sit there, looking crazy, with no laptop, book, or even a notebook.
“I’m fine, German. I’ll be out in a minute,” I huffed, annoyed.
I got up from sitting at the vanity and got in the shower to try to take my mind off my sister, because I felt myself getting depressed. I was feeling that same feeling I had experienced when I lost my child all those years ago. After getting out of the shower, I dragged my feet to the bedroom with a heavy heart, just wanting to turn all the lights out, crawl in my bed, and sleep. I heard the doorbell ring and wondered who was visiting at this hour. It wasn’t late, but it was going on 9:00 p.m., too late for anyone to be visiting.
“Tamia, someone is at the door for you,” German called from downstairs.
I slipped on my cotton pajamas pants that I wore whenever I was on my time of the month. Those were the ones that let German know that sex was off and not even to try to get any. I put on my tank, slipped my feet into my slippers, and headed downstairs to see Mama Smith standing in my living room. As soon as she hugged me, the tears fell from my eyes.
“It’s okay, sweetie,” she said, gently rubbing my back, walking me over to the sofa.
“I’m sorry. I just miss her so much, and it hurts that my last words to her were me threatening to send her home,” I cried, wiping at my tears.
“Sweetie, trust me, she knew that you loved her, so even if the two of you were bickering and fighting, that doesn’t outweigh how you felt about her,” she soothed.
“Her father didn’t even allow me to fly out to say good-bye to her. He knows how much she meant to me, but it didn’t stop him from blaming me,” I sobbed.
“Tamia, honey, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I would love to tell you that it gets better, but that would be far from the truth,” she said sadly. “I just want you to know that if you need me, call or come by the house. I don’t want you walking around feeling like you have no one. I’m here for you, just as you have always been here for me when my daughters haven’t, and I want you to know that I really appreciate you,” she said.
I really felt better now that she was he
re. I really needed someone to talk to other than German, because he couldn’t really understand. He hadn’t lost anyone. She gave me some good advice, told me that I didn’t need Tamara’s father’s permission to visit my sister’s grave to say good-bye. She even explained that whatever I felt I needed to say that I didn’t get to say to her before, I could say now, and she stated that she talked to her daughter all the time when she visited her grave.
After she left, I went upstairs to the bedroom. German was fresh out of the shower and was in bed, with just his boxers and no shirt. I kind of got distracted and abandoned my earlier thoughts as I lusted over his muscular body and the dick print that was on display.
“Hey, how you feeling?” he asked, looking up from his cell phone and acknowledging me.
“I’m feeling better. And thanks, because I know you called her.” I smiled, something I hadn’t done in weeks.
“I had to. I didn’t know what else to do or say to make you feel better,” he admitted.
“I appreciate you, and I understand you did what you felt you needed to do for me, so I’m not mad.”
I removed my pajama pants and tank—I had thrown them on only to go downstairs—so I now stood naked. I attempted to put on my nightie, but German stopped me.
“Come here,” he said, pulling me into him, kissing me, and causing my nipples to get aroused.
He laid me down on the bed, kissed my neck, and moved down to suck on my now erect nipples, causing me to moan his name. He made his way between my thighs, and I wrapped my legs around the back of his head as he sucked on my pussy, causing me to moan again. My body started convulsing as I pumped uncontrollably, fucking his face until I released my juices. With my legs still on his shoulders, he entered me with full force, causing me some pain, until he slowly pumped in and out of me. I lifted my hips up and down as I rode his dick, meeting him stroke for stroke, screaming out for him to fuck me harder. He obliged by banging my pussy out until we both came together.
“I love you,” I said as he collapsed beside me.
“I love you too,” he responded, pulling me to him and placing his face in the crook of my neck.
Minutes later, he was lightly snoring, so I closed my eyes and fell asleep too, thankful for this temporary weight off my mind.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Jakiyah
“I’m really starting to believe that you don’t have your own place, because you’re always here, bighead. What’s up, Chanel? German?” I said, rolling my eyes playfully at him.
“Hey, Jakiyah. You know your brother is a mama’s boy,” Chanel joked.
“So what’s German’s excuse?” I asked, laughing.
“My excuse is that I be checking for you,” German declared, getting all up in my space again.
“Boy, how many times do I have to tell you to fall back?” I asked, punching him in his chest.
“We’re about to go out to get something to eat. Do you want to go?” Ty asked me.
“Please?” Chanel whined.
“I guess I can, being that I don’t have anything else to do.”
“Cool. You can ride with me, shorty,” German said, grabbing my hand.
“Release me, punk,” I joked, then walked away to go and say hello to my parents and to give baby Andrea a kiss.
I knew I kept putting off talking to my mother, but since I had had time to think about it, I didn’t want to come off as a spoiled brat, so I left the notion of a conversation alone for now. We ended up at Outback Steakhouse, where we ordered the Bloomin’ Onion, the Aussie Cheese Fries, the wings, and the chicken quesadillas from the starters menu. Chanel and I both ordered a drink called a Naturally Skinny ’Rita, and the shit was so strong that it had my ass feeling tipsy almost immediately, but Chanel seemed to be handling hers like a champ. We were having a good time, too good of a time, if you ask me, because German and I had become flirty friendly right there at the table. Ty kept telling him that Qua was going to fuck him up, and he kept telling Ty that he wasn’t worried.
I needed to get control of the situation, but it felt like old times hanging out with German. I didn’t know if it had something to do with Tamia being down South for the past week. She was there visiting her sister’s grave site and hadn’t come back yet. He wasn’t uptight, which was how he acted whenever she was around. He was the German that I used to sit up all night talking on the phone with, the one who made me laugh, and would not want to hang up. A lot of those nights I would fall asleep on the phone, because neither of us wanted to be the first to hang up.
When it was time to leave, Ty told German to take me straight home since I had already had two drinks, and I was bound to be down for whatever. I knew that I didn’t need that second drink, but I wasn’t about to let Chanel outdrink me. I should have told German to drop me off at my man’s place, so Qua and I could fuck, because I was tipsy and horny as hell. I looked at German with misplaced lust in my eyes, thinking about doing things to him that shouldn’t have even been in my mind, since I knew I was with Qua.
Don’t ask me how we ended up at a hotel, with me riding his dick like it belonged to me, because I couldn’t remember anything as I threw my head back and bounced up and down on his dick, crying out in pleasure. He kissed me passionately as he grabbed my ass, pumped in and out of me. Feeling his dick pulsating, I knew he was close to releasing, so I tightened my pussy muscles, putting his dick in a vise grip, as I cried out at the explosive orgasm I was having. He was minutes behind me and let out a loud growl, thrusting hard into me, making sure he released every one of his kids up in me.
My body was spent, but he wasn’t finished. He put his face between my legs, softly kissed and sucked on my pussy until I reached another orgasm. Soon my body started to relax, and my legs stopped shaking from having two orgasms back-to-back. By then he was lying on his back, trying to return his breathing to normal. I knew at this point that I had fucked up by giving my body to him, but the way he had me feeling, it was well worth it. We lay in each other’s arms, with no words spoken, and both drifted off to sleep.
When I woke up the next morning, I was unsure of where I was, until last night hit me like a Mack truck as I remembered what had taken place between German and me.
“Shorty, I already see it in your eyes. Don’t even do it to yourself. I told you you’re my Beyoncé, G and J,” he said, then kissed my lips.
“German, now is not the time to be joking,” I said, feeling like I was on the verge of tears at the many calls that I had missed from Qua last night.
German joking about me being his Beyoncé from the song, “My Beyoncé,” by Lil Durk, was cute, but I wasn’t his Beyoncé. I belonged to someone else. I didn’t want to blame what I did solely on the alcohol. I was still very much attracted to German, and my subconscious knew what I was doing when I was doing it. I wanted to call Qua, but I didn’t know if I should call while I was still at the hotel with German, so I opted out and decided to wait until I got home.
The ride to my house was a quiet one. I was lost in my own thoughts, trying to figure out what I was going to tell Qua when he asked me why I didn’t answer or return his calls. When I opened the car door to exit, German pulled me over to him and kissed me on my lips, but I pulled away and got out of the car. I wasn’t even in the house but for a few minutes when my phone alerted me that I had a text message. It was from German.
G & J.
Ugh, I thought, but at the same time, I couldn’t help but smile, because his ass was always playing, knowing I was feeling some kind of way. He didn’t have to explain his whereabouts; I did. So I went and sat on the couch, put my head back, and closed my eyes, trying to think of something that Qua would believe.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Jakiyah
It had been days since I went to the hotel with German, and it was eating me up inside. Qua already felt betrayed by what Tamara had done to him, and he had started to have trust issues. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I needed to tell him. Did I want to
lose what we had started? No, but like I said, the shit was weighing heavily on my mind. I had never cheated on any man before. German hadn’t texted me anymore since that morning, and that was a good thing. Hopefully, he was looking at it the same way as I was: two adults who had loved each other at one time, who were still sexually attracted to each other, and had a moment together, and that was it.
After work, I was meeting Qua downtown, at the Spanish restaurant near his job, so that we could talk. I needed to tell him in public so he’d avoid making a scene. I wasn’t going to lie. When I got to the restaurant, my ass was scared. I wanted to turn around after I saw him sitting there, wearing that mad scowl on his face, which didn’t make my panties wet this time. My stomach was in knots as I got closer to the table he was sitting at, because his facial expression never changed. He had on his sanitation jacket, and I was wearing my scrubs. Both of us had just got off of work. He had probably had a stressful day, and now I was about to add to it.
I took the seat across from him. “Hey,” I said, feeling uneasy about the conversation we were about to have.
“What’s up?” he responded with no emotion.
I already knew he was on edge. Men get nervous when a female says, “We need to talk,” because they’re already thinking the worst.
“Something has been bothering me, and I need to get it off my chest, is all,” I said, avoiding eye contact.
“Speak,” he said, his jaw tightening.
“I was hanging out with my brother, his girl, and German the other night, and I had too much to drink, clouding my judgment, and I slept with German,” I confessed.
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