And then he clarifies: We don’t have to do any of the above listed acts to be reincarnated as a she-ass or a Jewish whore. No. God, he says, will bring us back to life as a donkey if we merely imagine sleeping with a married woman, or as a camel if we just dream about a little romantic affair with our father’s woman.
Of course and of course, Rabbi Batsri is not going to spend his time on us, horrible sinners, just because he likes to scare us. He has better things to do in life than spend his time with eventual donkeys like the rest of us.
The reason the rabbi is here is that he is a man of good news. Knowing how terrible it is to be in our shoes, the rabbi has had an audience with God and the angels, Gabriel and Rafael, and the three of them came up with a brilliant plan: a fasting payment. Yep. You can pay instead of fasting. And this is the way it works: one shekel will subtract one day of fasting. Quite cheep, right? The rabbi is in a good mood today and he is willing to go an extra mile for us, which he calls payments: 101 shekels a month for twenty-six months and we will be cleansed of the sins we are presently burdened with. Of course, if we sin again, we will need to add. But for now, it’s very simple: twenty-six months for only 101 shekels a month. God is merciful.
There are other sin-cleansing plans available, according to the rabbi’s agreement with God and the angels: Pay per Sin. This works really, really simply. Assuming, for example, that you murdered your neighbor. Send in 1,199 shekels and you’ll be as white as snow. Masturbated? No problem. Heaven takes Visa. Give in your Visa number, we’ll deduct 4,000 shekels from your account and you’ll be doing just great and fine, clean of this sin. Of course, if you masturbated twice, that’s only 8,000 shekels. Every time you touch your penis, just remember, that’s 4,000 shekels less in your bank account. The more you do, the more you pay. The less you do, the less you pay. And, please, don’t think of sex with your neighbor’s wife, or Visa will work extra hours subtracting figures from your bank account.
The people around me, believe it or not, take out their credit cards.
This is not all. The people, who otherwise look normal, are commanded by the rabbi’s clerks walking around. “Not yet,” they yell at those who submit their credit cards too fast.
What follows is a ceremony. The about-to-be-cleaned of their bank and Visa accounts are told to tie their feet with special chords they are given. This is to purify the soul, because God won’t take the money of those who are not humble.
Frighteningly, the people follow the orders. I leave the place dismayed and shocked.
Who said that Jews were smart?
I think of the stray cats in my garden, and how happy they were making love in public. Most likely they will be reincarnated as Jewish whores. That will be fun.
Gate Nineteen
The European Commission heartily invites you to a factfinding mission led by an ex-Jew who will take you to the Holocaust Museum in Jerusalem and unveil the true face of lying, brutal, murderous, syphilis-ridden Jews, dead and alive.
ON THE NEXT DAY I AGAIN JOIN THE EX-JEW ITAMAR AND THE ITALIANS. TODAY they go to Yad Vashem, not another Lifta, and I wonder how they’ll feel at the Dead Jews’ Museum.
Itamar is leading the tour but he’s not just a tour guide, he’s also an educator and as we walk from section to section in this museum Itamar does his best to turn the WWII story into a contemporary one. He achieves this admired goal by making comparisons between then and now. If you are perplexed and don’t know what this means, let me be clearer: between yesterday’s Nazis and today’s Israelis.
“In Israel today, Africans are being put into concentration camps,” Itamar says, referring to illegal Sudanese and Eritrean immigrants.
I’ve heard about various problems and issues with those Africans, though I have never heard about them being put into concentration camps. But, to be fair, I write a note for myself to meet these Africans and to also check whether there is forced labor or crematoriums operating in Israel.
We move to another section of other dead Jews, where a normal visitor to this museum learns about the most potent phase in the mass extermination of millions of Jews, but our ex-Jew has other things on his mind. He says:
“With the beginning of the loss in 1942, what is called ‘extermination of the Jews’ starts. What you see here is all from the eye of Jewish victims, this is after all a Jewish museum. But what you see here, with the Nazis and the Jews, is also happening today, in Palestine. What happens here in Israel is Holocaust. Today, the Israeli army is doing the same thing, and the American army too.”
We move to the Łódź Ghetto section, where the infamous Chaim Rumkowski’s “Give me your children” speech is played out on a screen. Rumkowski was the Nazis’ appointed leader of Łódź Ghetto and in September of 1942 they demanded that twenty thousand Jewish children be given to them, for the purpose of burning them. Rumkowski was ordered to deliver the children and on September 4, 1942, he made this speech to his fellow Jews: “A grievous blow has struck the ghetto. They are asking us to give up the best we possess – the children and the elderly. I never imagined I would be forced to deliver this sacrifice to the altar with my own hands. In my old age, I must stretch out my hands and beg. Brothers and sisters: Hand them over to me! Fathers and mothers: Give me your children!”
These chilling words are interrupted by Itamar’s voice, as he continues comparing Jews and Nazis: “The Palestinian Authority today executes many people at the command of Israel.”
We get to the section of the mass killing of Jews, with Jews digging their own graves in various countries conquered by the German army. And Itamar, self-certified historian, notes: “Eighty percent of the killing was not done by the Nazis but by the local people.”
The Nazis, like Israel, were commanding others to kill.
Brilliant.
Time to talk about the Final Solution of the Jewish Question, the infamous Nazi masterful job of Jew killing. Itamar speaks.
“We don’t have any order from Hitler that says, ‘Kill all the Jews in Europe.’ Today we know that the killing of Jews was not something that started from above but something that came from the ground, by soldiers who were experiencing death around them – from partisans, for example – and had to find ways to deal with it. Then one thing led to the other and people killed more and more. I can give you an example from my experience, serving in the Israeli army. I arrested two hundred, three hundred Palestinians, sometimes little children, and sometimes I beat them up and then put them on a truck. Without asking any questions. Having this experience myself, I can imagine myself doing the same thing that the Germans did.”
It is interesting to see what the EU people are busy with these days: using Yad Vashem, the monument for millions of Jews slaughtered at their hands, as a platform for poisonous propaganda against the survivors of their butchery. When you walk here with Itamar, seeing the dead of Auschwitz but hearing the name of Palestine, watching a Nazi officer on a video but hearing the name Israel, you can’t deny how hugely effective Itamar’s propaganda is. When you leave Yad Vashem after touring it as a gift of European generosity, what remains in you is this: the Poles arrested six million Palestinians, who were then gassed by Jews in Tel Aviv, and later burnt at Treblinka crematoriums operated by Palestinians at Israel’s command.
Oh, another very important info that Itamar gives us as a bonus before we leave is this: Theodor Herzl, the man whose vision made for the foundation of the State of Israel, died of a “sexual disease.” When I ask him what sexual disease this was, he tells me it was syphilis. Obviously Itamar is worried that he didn’t paint the Jews badly enough, so he comes up with this new detail.
(This syphilis story became the “scientific” cause of Herzl’s death by some bloggers of interest, following an Internet article written by a bored journalist a hundred years after Herzl’s death stating that Herzl visited a prostitute in his early years, contracted gonorrhea from her, and that this “possibly” caused his death twenty-four years later.)
As an ex-Jew, this Itamar excels in his new identity.
These days I learn more than I have ever wanted to know about Europe. The more I walk in this land the more I see them: NGO here, NGO there. I find it painful to witness young Europeans travelling to this country just so that they can suck into their system a little more hatred toward Jews than they already have.
It is also today that I learn things about Israel I didn’t know before. Yes, I already met some “good” self-hating Israelis in the last few days, but I would never have dreamt that it could reach to such a degree as I see now.
I have been out of this country long enough to not feel comfortable with so much self-hatred around me. I need, for my mental well-being, to be surrounded with normal people.
Thank God Palestine is near. Hallo, Ramallah: I’m coming!
Gate Twenty
Meet the most charismatic man in Palestine, a genius spymaster, a raging, kind, serious, funny, ruthless leader, and find out how a Jew, Tobi the German, became a Saudi prince.
GENERAL JIBRIL RAJOUB, FEARED AS WELL AS ADMIRED BY MANY, IS MY MAN today.
Jibril speaks unto me: “I hope I could deliver what I believe in. For me Germany and Germany’s people are very important. Your people are one of those who suffered last century, you were the scapegoat to fundamentalism and extremism, but later on Germans proved that they are great and that they could rebuild their country, and now Germany is an important player in the international community. I think that my people should learn a lot from you and I think that we have a lot of common ethics and values. Ethics and values are the only way to convince the world that the Palestinian people deserve self-determination.”
It is a special occasion for me to meet Jibril. I have written about this man. Kind of. Over a decade ago, in a play that I authored about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict (“The Last Virgin”), one of the four characters on the stage was based on Jibril. His stage name was, as you might guess, Jibril Rajoub. To see my character, my creation, in the flesh and in the real is a feeling few will understand. This man I know intimately, though we have never met before.
Tell the world what Palestine means to you, what being Palestinian means to you –
“For me Palestine is my mother’s land. I was born here, my father and my grandfather, and I am committed to my people’s cause. I joined the resistance when I was young. I was arrested six times by the Israelis. All in all I spent seventeen years in Israeli jails. I fought against the Israeli occupation and I’m proud of that.”
Jibril is a living legend. To the Israelis he is a terrorist, convicted once and again, arrested once and again, and his list of offenses is quite impressive. At present he is heading the Palestinian Football Federation and the Palestine Olympic Committee, but don’t kid yourself. Among his list of previous jobs is being the leader of the Palestinian Preventive Security Force, a fearsome intelligence and security apparatus. This man is a master fighter, a master spy, and a master manipulator.
My kind of man.
Why would a commander of his country’s biggest secrets get involved in soccer? Good question, but nothing Jibril does is simple.
His life experience has taught him that “resistance does not mean only military resistance,” he tells me, and one day “I started to understand that our aspirations could be achieved through other tools.” One of those tools, what a shocking surprise, is sport. Sport, he teaches me, “is an effective tool to achieve our national aspirations.”
Jibril gets excited when he talks about Palestine. “Palestine is everything for me,” he tells me, enjoying every syllable he utters.
“I was and will remain devoted to the cause of the Palestinian people,” he says in the clearest of language, adding: “Equal rights for women is for me a commitment. I am trying. I hope that the other side [Israel] understands the dimension of what we’re doing and opens a bridge” for both of them to walk on.
Bullshit. I know it, he knows it, but he has to say this. How did we get into equal rights for women here? Part of the bullshit. German journalists love this stuff, and so he feeds it to me.
France is perfume. Germany is Mercedes. The USA is McDonald’s. What is Palestine?
“It’s enough that Christ was born here in Palestine, it’s enough that we have al-Aqsa, it’s enough that Palestine is sacred for three religions: Judaism, Christianity, and Islam.”
Jibril, enjoying his game, keeps at it. There were many wars in Europe, he says, but in this place Christ was born, and he “spread love and peace.”
More bullshit. Jibril is no Christian, and to Muslims Jesus was a prophet, no Christ, but Jibril knows that a good European Christian like me would be impressed by it, and so he says it.
He, the Master of Masters, really believes me that I’m a German Christian. I’m good!
For the fun of it, and to see how he will respond, I remind Jibril that the Palestinian president, Mahmoud Abbas, did not mention the word “Judaism” when he gave his most important speech to the UN General Assembly in New York just a couple of years ago, making it clear to the world that Palestine was home to just two major religions, Islam and Christianity. How come Mahmoud “forgot” Judaism and Jibril remembers it so well?
“I don’t want to defend Abu Mazen. I think Abu Mazen can defend himself, and I am even ready to arrange a meeting, an interview between you and him.”
Jibril asks me to write my name down, and also write an official request for Abu Mazen and he’ll take care of it. How in the world am I going to write “Tobi the German”? It’s one thing saying Tobi the German but totally another thing writing it down. “Official Request from Tobi the German.”
Of course, I tell him I’d do it at the first opportunity I have.
The Palestinians are ready to divide Jerusalem, Jibril goes on to tell me, selling me another one of his sound bites, and that they also agree that the Jewish side will have jurisdiction over the Jewish holy places. But the Israelis don’t want this.
***
I think that by now I have heard enough sound bites, and so I ask him for his thinking about the EU’s decision about boycotting Israeli goods made in the West Bank and east Jerusalem.
“For the first time in their life Israelis became isolated all over Europe,” he declares, immensely happy.
“They [the Israelis] have no right to keep leading the whole world by their nose because of the Holocaust that was committed by other people, not the Palestinian people.”
Raising his voice, screaming: “Israel is racist, fascist, expansionist!”
Calming down: “I think the international community all over is fed up!”
Good.
You were in Israeli jails for seventeen years. You lived with Israelis, you tried to kill them, they tried to kill you. What have you learned from the Israelis?
“I think I’ve learned a lot.”
What?
“First of all, you should know, I learned their language . . . . Second, I studied the whole history of the Jews, the Zionist movement, and I think that I know more about them than they know about themselves.”
Jibril, does Zionism equal racism, yes or no?
“I think that Zionism, according to the current Israeli behavior, is the worst kind of racism.”
Remembering the man who died of a “sexual disease,” which an ex-Jew taught me, I ask Jibril if he is talking about the Zionism as envisioned by Theodor Herzl.
“Excuse me! They can call themselves what they want.” And lest I forget, Jibril reminds me that years back even the UN equated Zionism with racism.
I like it now. I succeeded in getting him to stop his sound bites. Some good stuff might come out now.
Why is there so much NGO money here? Is it because they love the Palestinians so much? Is it because they hate the Israelis very much . . . ? Why!
The Middle East conflict between Israelis and Palestinians, he answers, is the “source of fundamentalism and extremism” worldwide, is a “threat to global peace,”
and that’s why “the whole world is investing money, time, energy in this region.”
I don’t get it. Why would a country like Norway even care what’s going on here?
Jibril is surprised by my surprise. It is obvious, he argues, why Europe is getting involved; Europe wants to protect itself and its citizens. What, don’t I read the news? He elaborates: “How many terror attacks happened in Europe, even in Germany, as a result of this conflict? How many? How many planes were hijacked? How many people were killed? Excuse me!” It is because of Europe’s involvement in the Middle East, he teaches me, that “blood shedding is no longer used to assure my national aspirations.”
In short: Palestinians now know that the world is not against them and so they don’t blow up planes in mid-flight.
To make sure I got him right, I ask him whether he has just told me that terror would engulf Europe if it did not give money to the NGOs supporting Palestinians.
He realizes that he might have gone too far and he tries to correct himself:
“I think,” he switches mode, “that they are sympathizing with the suffering of Palestinians.”
I got news for you, I say to him, we don’t fucking care about anybody. We, the Europeans, really don’t care. Period. We would bomb every walking soul, just like we did in Iraq not so very long ago, if we perceive that our bank accounts are endangered. We have a rich history of killing even each other, for no real reason; why in the world does he think that we sympathize with anything or anybody?
Jibril, I say to him, we are a bunch of killers and we have no sympathies with anything or anybody! I got news for you, Jibril: we are not ethical, and we are not moral.
Catch The Jew! Page 16