“That is what I’m trying to do,” Ross said, reaching for her again.
Jill ignored his hands and continued, “I want to hear the words, Ross.”
Sitting up on the bed next to her, he ran a hand through his hair in frustration. “We could have something damn good if given a chance, but it’s never going to be what you want. I know your friends have found their happily ever afters. I’m no Prince Charming and never will be.”
“I’m not asking you to be Jon or Trent. I just want you to be you.”
Turning to her, Ross said, “Jill you don’t understand; I’m not being stubborn. What you’re asking is something I can’t give you, even if I wanted to.
“Can’t or won’t?” she asked softly, her voice full of pain.
After a pause his answer was what she feared most. “Can’t. You are very special to me, Jill. I want to be with you. But I can’t give you any more than this. What we have right now is all I can offer.”
She searched his eyes for some sign of hope that he might change his mind and say it. All she saw was what was always there. The words he spoke were what he truly believed. She didn’t want him to say what wasn’t in his heart.
Ross’s next words shook her to the core. “Can you accept me for who I am? If not, then I think we should stop seeing each other. I don’t want to lead you on. You deserve someone who can give you what you want, what you need. And I can’t. You’ll only end up hurt, and I don’t want to hurt you again.”
She wanted to yell, scream, slap his face, or even be angry, but she didn’t. He was giving her what she asked for; he opened up and talked to her about their relationship. Might not be the way I dreamed it, but he talked. Sitting up next to him, Jill wrapped her arms around his waist, placed her head on his chest, and said softly, “I believe and trust you. I know you won’t hurt me.”
Ross stiffened at her touch then relaxed and wrapped his arms around her, holding her close.
Enjoy what you have, not what you wish you had . . . “Do we have to shop just yet?” she asked. “I think I still have a little energy in me. How about you?” Jill kissed his bare chest.
He gave her a playful slap on the rump and said, “I do now.”
Hours later they had no choice but to search for food as both were famished. Ross hopped out of bed and pulled on his jeans. “I left my change of clothes in the SUV.” Kissing her on the forehead he said, “I’ll be right back.”
She lay there stretched out. Hmm, this is nice.
She picked up her phone from the nightstand. “Thank you for everything. You were right. This was a much wiser choice, and it worked out perfectly. I owe you.”
Almost immediately KJ responded, “I’m happy for you. They say a picture says it all, but face to face honesty is always the best.”
It was so nice having yet another good friend in her life. There had been a time when she’d felt so alone. No longer. She had a growing network of people who truly cared about her, loved her. Even you, Ross, though you won’t admit it. How quickly things changed, and fortunately, they were changing for the better.
When Ross returned he asked, “Do you have any?”
“Any what?”
“Listen sleepyhead, I asked if you had a change of clothes with you.” Ross laughed. “I better get food in you quickly; your memory is starting to go.”
“I blame you for that.” Jill grabbed a pillow from under her head and tossed it at him, hitting him in the chest. “Seems you are equally in need of nourishment; your reflexes seem a bit slow too,” she teased.
“Don’t start what we can’t finish. Do you have any clothes or are you planning on wearing a sheet out to lunch?” Ross asked, arching his eyes at the thought.
You wish. “Yes I have clothes. I think I have a bag at the foot of the bed somewhere.”
Ross returned carrying her bag. “Sure you don’t want to stay here, naked, waiting for me? I can handle the shopping on my own and bring you back lunch.”
She had no idea how long they would be at sea, and she needed some variety in her diet. “There are things called vegetables, which seemed to have been lacking last time. I think it’s best if I go along. Let me take a quick shower, and we can be on our way.”
Jill got out of the bed and took the bag from him. The shirt and shorts she wanted to wear were on the top. Pulling them out, she tossed the open bag on the bed, and in an instant she regretted it.
Ross’s face changed. He shook his head as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing, then picked it up, and looked at her sharply with piercing, angry eyes. “How did this get in your bag?” he asked, his voice full of anger.
How was she going to explain? That she’d been here all day and snooped around and had stolen his journal? It was the truth but an ugly one. “I . . .” she stammered, not sure what to say. “I was looking for something to read—”
“This isn’t a magazine, and it wasn’t lying around,” Ross said harshly. “How long have you had it? Did you take it with you when the Coast Guard took you off the boat?”
She went to answer, but he held up his hand and stopped her. This is bad. Really bad. “I can explain.” Not really but I have to try.
“Unless you’re going to tell me you didn’t take this with the intention of reading it, then I don’t want to hear it.”
Even if she said it, that wouldn’t have been believable. Why else would someone take such a thing? What kind of person would take it in the first place? No matter what he’d said or done in the past, this topped it all. No wonder he couldn’t say the words I love you to her. She didn’t deserve them. His look was cold, hard, and suspicious. It hurt worse than anything else she had experienced, but there was no denial she could offer that would make it better.
A tear ran down her cheek. “It was a foolish mistake. I’m sorry,” she said softly. Her heart knew whatever progress had been made was gone. This morning she had told him their no-strings arrangement wasn’t working for her. The look on his face had stopped me from leaving, though. For a brief moment she had glimpsed what she believed had been there all along. He didn’t want her to leave him. When he said he would never love her, his eyes had looked forlorn, as if begging her not to believe him. That is why I stayed. They stood only a few feet apart now, but the void between them was vast.
“The best thing you could do right now is put some clothes on. After that, I think we should talk about getting you back to New York.”
He didn’t wait for her to answer. Still holding the journal in his hand, he turned, leaving her alone in the cabin. Just my guilt and me.
Sitting on the deck holding Brad’s journal, he still couldn’t believe it. Jill was the sweetest, kindest, most loving person he had ever met and yet had stolen something so damn personal to him and his friends. It was all they had left of him. Why? What would reading Brad’s journal achieve? It’s not like she’d ever met him and wanted or needed to know him better. Brad was nothing to her. Was she uncontrollably curious because he didn’t want to talk about himself? He might not be an expert on how a woman thinks, but that scenario didn’t make any sense. I don’t get it. He wanted to know, needed to know; but right now he was too damn angry to speak to her.
Ross was fighting the urge to put her on a plane and never see her again. No one would blame him. Together they’d made their share of bad choices. First his, now hers. It only proved they shouldn’t be any more involved than they already were but he wasn’t ready to commit to never seeing her again. Right now they needed space. His anger and disbelief clouded whatever else they might still share, and this was not the time to talk it out. I’ve had enough talking for one day.
This morning she’d begged him to say how he felt; she’d wanted to hear the words. He’d been so close, stroking her hair as she’d slept in his arms. Never had he felt like that about another person. If she had been awake and had spoken to him right then, he wouldn’t have been able to hold back. The words she longed to hear would have flowed through his l
ips.
But that seemed ages ago. Like a dream. Once he saw the journal, everything changed. She should probably count her blessings that I’m not much of a talker. What he would’ve said wouldn’t have been anything she would want to hear right now.
Finally she came on deck with her bag in hand. Her eyes were swollen and red. He hated to see her hurting, but it wasn’t his doing this time. It was hers. Ross wasn’t about to feel guilty for something he had no control over. His own guilt was heavy enough without carrying hers, too. It felt like a punch in the gut as he fought to resist the urge to take her in his arms, brush away her tears, and tell her everything would be okay. Turning his back to her, he looked out over the water. He needed to put some serious distance between them so he could think clearly. He knew that wasn’t going to happen as long as he was around her. When he turned and faced her again he knew what needed to be done. “The jet is ready at the airport and will take you back to New York.” His tone was harsher than he had intended. He watched her wince at his words. Damn.
“Aren’t you coming with me?” Jill pleaded, her voice soft.
Don’t do it. He clenched his fist by his side to hold his control. She has to go. It was the first time he had seen how vulnerable she truly was—not something he’d ever associated with her. This is a fucking mess. The last thing either of them needed right now was hours alone on a plane. They both needed time to think. Any other time she wouldn’t have even needed to ask. But right now those hours alone with her on the plane would be torture for them both. “I’ve got business here.” His lie was obvious; only an hour ago they were talking about sailing away together. A single tear rolled down her right cheek; Jill nodded and walked away in defeat. He didn’t follow her. Instead he called to her saying, “All the arrangements are made. The driver will take you to the airport.” He felt sick to his stomach, and it wasn’t from the lack of food.
She turned back to him for an instant, and her mouth opened as though she was going to say something, but she didn’t. Turning away from him again, he watched as she made her way through the gate and out of sight. Part of him wanted to chase after her, shake her senseless, and tell her he forgave her. I’m not ready for that. She crossed the line of trust with him, and it was going to take some time to gain it back. This fucking sucks.
Journal in hand, he sat down on the deck. Ross had never let himself finish reading it. At first the accident was still so fresh and the loss too hard to accept. Once he had decided to open and read it, all it had done was make him feel worse about himself. It showed him what a shallow, self-centered bastard he really was. Ever since he had graduated from college, there was really only one person he thought about, himself. Brad had been gone five years now, and nothing really had changed in Ross’s life except his success. Not going to knock that, nothing wrong with being rich. What he had, he’d earned himself and was damn proud of it. Did that make it any better?
Though Ross had never read the entire journal he had at one point he had made it about halfway through and decided he didn’t want to know anymore. A friend who was actually a better human being than he ever would be had died so damn young. It was a freak accident that could have happened to any one of them. Why Brad? He was like Jon, doing something that really made an impact in the world. What was Ross’s contribution? He made luxury boats. What type of legacy was that?
He knew none of his friends, Brad included, were perfect. Each had their share of flaws. Drew, the endless gambler; Jon, too damn serious and worked too much; and Trent, vicious in business. Me, I’m incapable of love.
None of that answered why Jill would take Brad’s journal and read it. Had there been something in there that had given her the idea to start this game of chase she was playing? To try to force him to commit? There was only one way to find out. Read it. Opening the clasp he started again at the beginning. Jill shouldn’t be the only one who knows what’s in here.
He should have read this a long time ago. He recalled his name had been mentioned many times throughout the parts of the book that he had already read. Some good, and some not so good. One thing was evident, Brad had known what was lacking in Ross: emotional connections to anything or anyone, including his parents. He didn’t need the journal to tell him that. What he didn’t know was what Brad had written about him in the second half of the journal. There was only one way to find out. Read it.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
‡
It had been the longest flight ever. Torture. How she wished she’d insisted on using the return ticket she’d purchased. When she’d booked her flight to California she had told herself there was no way she was she going to need it. I called that one wrong. Flying back on Ross’s private jet only made her feelings more . . . raw. Leaning back in the leather recliner with her eyes closed, she swore she could smell his unmistakable male and musk scent. What should have felt like traveling in the lap of luxury felt like having salt rubbed in her wounds, reminding her he wasn’t there. Not because he couldn’t be, but because he didn’t want to be. I’ve lost him for good.
How could things have changed so quickly in only a few hours? I screwed up. She scrolled through her messages on her phone. KJ’s last one about truth was like a knife to her heart. What did she know about truth? She’d asked Ross to be truthful with her. To say what he felt, to share more. But what did she do? She lied, stole something extremely personal to him, and justified it all in the name of love. No wonder he doesn’t believe in love. She had been convinced she was the one to change his mind. Instead it appeared she only reinforced his initial beliefs. Can’t blame him for sending me away. I don’t even like myself right now.
She was able to sleep part of the way, but unfortunately her dreams were haunted by the look in his eyes when the journal had fallen out of her bag. What had she been thinking in taking it? It was filled with personal thoughts he wasn’t willing to share. How did she think going behind his back and reading it was going to make it any better? If he hated her, it was his right and to be expected. The bond they were building was broken, and she couldn’t see how it could be fixed. Time heals all wounds. Or so she once read.
“Ms. Aragao, please fasten your seatbelt. We should be landing in five minutes.”
It wouldn’t be long before she was back in her apartment. She could then begin to pull the pieces back together. A fresh start. She had a lot of things to keep her busy: Lizette’s wedding was right around the corner, and then Elaine would be having her baby soon after that. However, each special, wonderful, life-changing event meant Ross would be there to support his friends as well. There was no hiding from it. No hiding from him. They may be over, but this nightmare was far from over.
Hours had gone by, but he couldn’t pull himself away. How was it when he’d read this the first time he’d seen something totally different? The words had seemed to jump off the page, pointing at what he wasn’t doing with his life. Five years later the same words read differently. When Brad had mentioned him and his friends it was only capturing the good ole days. Nothing about how screwed up he was, not him or the others. Had his mind played tricks on him at that time? Had he only seen what he wanted to see? Was this what people called survivor’s guilt? Whatever it was, reading this journal now felt like a weight being lifted off him. Why didn’t I do this before? The answer was clear. At that time he wasn’t ready to deal with anything that required feeling. Since meeting Jill, somehow that had changed. He wasn’t sure what his feelings were, but he was willing to acknowledge he had them.
As he continued reading, he found most of the journal was about people Brad had met in places he had never heard of. When he was about three quarters of the way through he came across one entry that stopped him dead in his tracks.
Leaving her is the hardest thing I have ever done. I have no money. My future is set on one path and hers on another. I could have asked her to give it all up to be with me on my journey. But what can I give her? She is doing what she feels passionate about. No dif
ferent than me. The only thing I can do is say goodbye; let her go. I know someday she will find someone who can give her what I cannot. A love so strong he will give up anything to spend the rest of his life with her. Based on the timing of the entries, it appeared he had met whoever this woman was shortly after they graduated. It wasn’t clear where they met and he hadn’t mentioned her name. Was she someone he’d met during his volunteer work in one of the remote corners of the world? If that was the case, she would have been on the same journey. It must have been someone else, someone who didn’t know about his charitable work, just like the rest of them. But who? What other reason would make him walk away from someone he loved?
Ross’s journey was nothing like the one Brad had chosen. His sole desire had been to build the most successful business and stay the hell away from the family vineyard. He’d achieved that. But at times, it felt so empty.
As Ross continued reading, Brad never mentioned her again. His entries were all about new places, new journeys. Unlike his own lonely existence, Brad, who appeared to have had nothing, now seemed to have had it all. Is it too late to change, to reset my priorities?
My focus has always been to build my business, build my name. But for what? For my name to be known for making boats? If I wrote a journal, what would my friends think when reading it after I died? I’ve chased so much and missed what was right in front of me.
Something had to be done, but where should he start? Should he pick up the phone and call Jill? His cell phone rang. Not who he was expecting, but maybe who he needed. “Hello Mother. How are you?”
“I heard rumors you were in town. I do hope you are planning to come by.”
Start at the beginning. How could he fix a future for himself without confronting his past? “Yes, Mother. I will be there tonight for dinner.”
“Spending the night?”
Might as well take the bull by the horns and go for it. What was the worst thing that could happen? They fight and argue and he leaves. It wasn’t like it would be the first time he walked out of that house. Actually he considered that the norm. “But conversation was something that never happened at the table like most families. Dinner was eaten in silence and then they all went their own way. If he was going to attempt change it was going to start tonight. “I’d love to.”
The Billionaire's Longshot: Betting on You Series: Book Three Page 17