by A. M. Wray
“I’m okay,” she said. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
Like Jax, I didn’t want to upset her. Approach was key. Casual lead in was always the best option with any conversation. It’s so much easier to bring something up with the topic has been heading there anyway. Obviously I’m not the most direct person, unless it’s a life or death situation.
“How are the new medications treating you?” I asked. “Are you feeling better or worse?”
“Physically, I’m feeling better,” she said. “The nurse said that I’ve doubled my output from earlier. Given what it was then, it’s still not good, but better is always a nice thing.”
“Physically better, but not emotionally?” I asked.
There was a pause. She sniffed a little, and I decided to use that as my entry. I made my way over to the side of the bed. Without hesitation, I did something I’ve done a hundred times. I reached for her hand and gently held it in my own. Tears streamed down her cheeks.
“To ask what is wrong would be insensitive,” I said. “You’ve been through a lot. From what Jax has told me, you had been through a lot long before this. To add to it… I know that it must feel cruel. Like a sick joke.”
She nodded, sobbing lightly. “Yes,” was all she could manage.
“Even though I know all of those things, and I can understand why you would want to cry, I would like to know which part is overwhelming you right now. You are surrounded by family. You are very safe to express yourself. If you don’t feel that way, because you’ve always been the strong one for them, I would be more than happy to ask them to step out for a moment. Regardless, as a caregiver, I know how much these things weigh on someone. You should be able to vent however you need to. Even if it’s needing someone to scream at because you’re angry. I’m here for that. It won’t hurt my feelings at all, I promise. Whatever it takes to help make those helpless tears go away. Because you aren’t helpless. Your life is in your hands. We proceed as you see fit. You are in control, even at a time in your life when you feel you haven’t even the tiniest grasp of it.”
Her mouth fell slightly open as she looked into my eyes. Her face was still and the crying almost immediately stopped, though her eyes were still wet enough to allow another tear to break free. It was obvious that she didn’t expect someone to speak to her like that.
“What is your name, sweetheart?” she asked.
“My name is Elizabeth,” I replied.
Jax cleared his throat, his voice cracking a little as he spoke. “She’s the one I told you about. She’s the one that saved you.”
Nancy gave a sad smile. “You’re very sweet,” she said, taking a deep breath. “And everything you said makes sense, but I don’t feel in control. I’m dying.”
“Not if you don’t want to,” I said.
“How can you know that?” she asked. “Certainly seemed that way today.”
I took a moment to weigh my words carefully. Not only was it against all rules to make promises about outcomes, it was common sense not to. Still, giving hope was a very important part of the job.
“I can’t promise that you won’t die,” I said bluntly. “I apologize, but I can’t. What I can do is tell you that before this you were very healthy. Very. Your cancer is isolated in one location, which is pretty lucky. You caught it early. This means you have a lot of choices for treatment.”
“No,” she said flatly. “No more.”
“Just hear me out. Just because I say something doesn’t mean it’s written in stone. It doesn’t mean you’re forced to do what I say. It just means that you are well informed,” I said.
“Please, Mom,” Alex said. “Please just hear her out.”
Nancy sighed. “Alright.”
“You are young. You are beautiful. Even sick and on what could have been your deathbed today, you are still beautiful. You have brutal honesty and a fierceness about you that is admirable. What happened to you today was a very bad bump in the road. Very bad. Still, it doesn’t mean that it was the only road. Did your doctor and nurses explain to you exactly what happened?”
She opened her mouth to answer, but her daughter butted in.
“No. They tried, but she was mean to them and told them to leave. She just wanted to be alone. They started talking about treatment and trying to explain everything and she refused to listen,” she said.
I took liberty and sat on the edge of her bed, taking her hand once again.
“You had a severe reaction to the medications that you were on. Your kidneys began shutting down and your potassium levels rose very quickly as a result. Potassium is partly responsible for the electrical activity in your heart. It helps it beat regularly. If there is too much or too little, it can mess up your rhythm. In your case, it caused your heart to fail. Now that the medication has been stopped and they’ve prescribed meds to help, you are having more output. That means that your potassium levels are going to be just fine. This was a very acute and terrible thing that happened, but it’s not a chronic situation.”
“I can’t go through that again,” she said.
“There are many different ways to do treatment. There is never a cookie cutter solution. Everyone is different and they need different things,” I said.
“You think I should have the mastectomy,” she said flatly.
I shrugged. “I think it’s an option. I can’t tell you what to do or what not to do. All I can do is give you the options and help you decide what you think is best.”
“No. Absolutely not. How would you feel if you didn’t have breasts? If you don’t have children of your own, you may not understand, but God willing, you will one day. They are a part of me. They allowed me to feed my babies. They don’t look like it now, but all three of them were cute, pudgy little things. And yes, I do feel sexier with them. I know it’s probably shocking to think of a woman my age wanting to feel such a way, but we do. You’ll understand that one day as well. Breasts are as much a part of a woman as all the things between a man’s legs. I can’t even imagine it,” Nancy said.
Most people would probably dismiss her as crazy or selfish. She was neither. She was a proud woman who didn’t want to feel ugly and ashamed of herself. To her, surviving cancer only to look at her body in regret and disgust was not an option, but she was panicking and not thinking of the whole picture. It wasn’t uncommon to have happen.
“Mom,” Jax said stepping forward. “You did your job. We are all grown, and we are all very grateful for everything you’ve ever done for us. You don’t have to cling to the very thing that is killing you simply because it was what sustained us when we were babies. We aren’t babies anymore, but you’ll always have the memories of being a mother and everything that entailed. As for the rest… Any man that won’t accept you and looks at you like you are any less than perfect just because of your breasts…” He paused. “Do I really need to finish that? Do you not remember how you beat it into my head? Into Alex’s head? How you taught both of us to respect women and never judge a woman by the shape of her body, but what her personality holds?”
“He’s right, Mom,” his sister said. “How am I supposed to feel? You told me that I am more than a body. Any man or woman, if I was so inclined, that judged me on nothing more than what I looked like was never worth my time. Now you’re saying that it’s okay to allow a disease take you as long as you look good until the end.”
“LeAnn!” Nancy chastised.
LeAnn sighed. “I’m sorry,” she said. “This is just scary, and I’m not used to seeing you like this. I didn’t mean to sound so rude.”
“This is a very scary situation,” I said. “You have every right to feel worried. All of you do. Just remember that you can’t let it come between you. In the end, the decision is hers.”
“It is,” she said, squeezing my hand. “Can you have the surgeons and oncologist come to see me?”
I smiled. “I can. Your oncologist is already scheduled for today because of what happene
d, but I will call the general and plastic surgeons. Remember. Surgery is not your only option. You have many, and that is just one of them. Listen to all of them, and make the one that is right for you.”
“Thank you for saying something. I know you did it for them. It was hell watching them all stare at me, seeing a weakling and being too afraid to say anything,” she said.
“You’re welcome. Sometimes families just need a bit of time to adjust and the conversation just needs to be started. You get some rest. I’m going to head out of here. I’ll check on you tomorrow, okay?”
She nodded and gave my hand one more squeeze as I stood.
“All of you need to try to relax. Go see a movie or something. She’s in good hands and she needs sleep,” I said.
Jax’s eyes never left me as I spoke to him and his siblings. I gave a small smile in his direction before turning to head out. I’d only gotten a few steps out the door when everything spun around me. I very quickly found myself wrapped in warm, strong arms. I knew it was Jax by the color of the shirt. He smelled amazing and he felt even better. I wrapped my arms around him, his cheek resting on the top of my head. I pulled back and risked a look into his eyes.
“Thank you,” he said. “I know you are going to say that you were just doing your job, but thank you. You have no idea how much of a blessing you’ve been to my family and me.”
“It’s no problem,” I said, not knowing exactly how to respond.
“If you ever need anything, please let me know,” he said.
I smiled. “Same goes for you.”
My entire body locked up as he leaned forward, giving me a gentle kiss on the forehead. It was soft and brief. Sweet and sad.
“I’ll see you around,” he said.
I nodded, my entire body somehow on fire from a simple kiss to the face. My brain wasn’t functioning enough for a coherent response, so I simply turned and walked away.
Chapter Six
It had been nearly a week since Nancy had been admitted into the hospital. She was doing very well, and her children were starting to relax. I checked in every day, which they didn’t seem to mind. LeAnn had actually grown quite fond of me. She said that I was too cute to be hanging around her older brother. It was in jest, of course, and I laughed pretty good due to the comfort level I’d gained around the brothers.
Surprisingly enough, in spite of Andi’s overzealousness in hanging out with them initially and her picking on me at every turn, she had been doing her best to ignore Alex. I could tell that she liked him and it must have been bothering her. She didn’t deal well with anything revolving around the feels. She immediately freaked out and shut down. I was the polar opposite, which was just as bad.
Work had been pretty slow, so I was able to get on my phone and look at some furniture. One of the local stores had an impressive showroom and it was all available online. Most of it was out of my price range, but it was beautiful to look at. Sarah, one of the techs on the floor, helped me pick out a small charcoal colored sectional with a matching ottoman. It was still a bit too expensive, but I decided that I didn’t care. I’d make payments and enjoy my freedom. I wanted a bed, too, but I wasn’t about to pick out a new mattress online.
“Whatcha buyin’?”
I turned to see Alex smiling and leaning against the counter.
“Hey!” I said. “I was just buying a new couch to replace the one slick Ricky stole from me. What’s up?”
“Slick Ricky,” he repeated, laughing a little. Just like Jax, he had a warm and comforting laugh. “You never fail to make me laugh. I was wondering if you had a minute.”
“Sure! I mean, clearly I’m busy and all, but I can spare a couple minutes of precious time for you.”
“Glad to hear it,” he said. “Show me where to get some coffee. I’ve been here every day for about a week and I still haven’t made my way around to finding it.”
My brows furrowed. “Do you want to end up in that room next to your mom? I’d suggest not drinking the crappucinos.”
He laughed again. “Very well, then. I suppose a soda will have to do.”
The cafeteria had surprisingly good food. I decided to take him down there and get him a slice of my favorite pie. They also had a huge mug you could buy and get free refills in. He was pretty excited for that last part. On the way down, he changed the subject to something I wasn’t quite expecting.
Alex nervously ran his fingers through his hair. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure,” I replied. “You know you can talk to me about anything.”
“I know,” he said. “That’s why I like you. We haven’t really known each other long, but I’ve always been told that tragedy brings people closer together, and I’m a firm believer in that. You’ve been in there every day checking on her. It’s obvious that you care. At first, LeAnn thought it was because of Jax.”
“What?” I asked. “Why would she think that?”
“She doesn’t think that now,” he said. “And she thinks that about anyone that hangs around us. She’s seen both of us go through hell, so she worries more than she should.”
“Well I’m glad she doesn’t think that anymore,” I said. “I’m not like that.”
“I know you’re not. You are one of the rarest people I’ve ever met.”
“So why the strange topic, then?” I asked.
“Because I’m worried about you and my brother,” he replied.
“Worried? About both of us? Why would you be worried?”
“This will sound strange, but I want you to know that it comes from the best place possible,” he said.
I was silent, only nodding in response.
“Like I said before – you are genuine. You are a beautiful, kind, and compassionate woman. You care for others like it’s a personal duty, not just a job. Your heart is too big. I don’t know how you feel about my brother, or how he feels about you, but I know how you both look at one another. You’re shy, and though you have no reason to be, you have low confidence. Because of that, I catch you looking at him sometimes like you are dying to tell him something, but you just can’t. You’re terrified because you think he would turn you down. Am I wrong?”
I just stared at him in silence. There were a billion things rushing through my mind, and I couldn’t stop them long enough to pick one to say. His brows rose, a knowing smile forming on his lips as he stared at me. It snapped me out of my daze.
“You aren’t completely wrong, I guess.”
He looked at me incredulously, the smile growing.
“Fine!” I said. “Yes. You’re right. He’s painfully sweet. Both of you are! You both have respect for women, hell, for people unlike anyone I’ve ever seen. No one gets mistreated around either of you. There’s some kind of an attraction to him that I can’t explain. There’s a bond there. I don’t say anything for a number of reasons. Some of which do in fact revolve around the fact that I do have confidence issues, but it isn’t the main one.”
“You are beautiful. Any man would be lucky to have you. The fact that the man you had was such an ungrateful and sightless ass drives Jax and me insane. We don’t get it. You shouldn’t ever feel bad about yourself.” He paused for a moment. “My brother would be lucky to have you, but neither one of you are in a place where you should be dating. He’s had a bad relationship recently and yours is even more recent. Please don’t take this as me saying that I don’t like or trust you. Or that I’m trying to threaten you to stay away from my brother. I’m not. If you guys decided to go for it anyway, I would be happy for you both. My problem is that I don’t want to see it end before it even starts just because neither of you were ready.”
“I don’t think negative of you for looking out for your brother,” I said.
“And you,” he stated quickly.
“And me. I don’t think badly at all. In fact, I love that about you. I appreciate your concern, but there isn’t a reason to be concerned. I really have no business breaking the biggest rule of
a recent breakup. Immediately dating someone else. I know how rebound relationships go. Not all the time, I’m sure, but mostly they do. I don’t want to hurt him, and I definitely don’t want to be hurt again. So, please don’t worry. I’m not going to pursue anything with him.”
He laughed. “I’m not worried about you. I’m more worried about him. When he sees something he wants, he goes for it. I don’t mean women; I mean anything. He’s very ambitious. He’s very careful with you right now because he’s considerate of your situation. He doesn’t want to hurt you, but if he decides that he wants to be with you, I’m worried that he will say something. You being put in that situation would be bad either way. You’d have to turn him down, or date him and risk it going badly that way.”
“So you’re saying that I should friend zone him?” I asked.
He shrugged. “It’s not a terrible idea. Just try not to flirt too much.”
He smiled. I could tell that he was still nervous about the conversation, but he had no reason to be. I understood why he was worried about both of us. He was right. If I flirted with him, or got too close, I could give him the wrong idea. If he did decide that he wanted to be with me, there was no way that I could say no. He was too perfect, but it would still be a bad idea.
“How about we get some pie?” I asked. “Because they make awesome cakes and pies, and I’m suddenly needing one.”
* * *
That evening I went home and thought over what Alex had said. He was such a kind man, and I appreciated that. I was more than happy to have them for friends. Anyone should be lucky enough to have friends like that.
I grabbed a quick dinner, by which I mean that I ate some tomato soup with a grilled cheese, and went to the living room. Bowl and little plate in hand, I sighed, a tiny sting of anger piercing me as I looked at the living room that I somehow managed to forget was empty. Every day I went home and every day I saw it. For whatever reason, however, I managed to forget it was a barren wasteland in there. Then I remembered my plan for after dinner. I wanted to lie down and take a nap.