“I don’t know.” I always sucked at math.
The students behind me in class all laugh like dogs. They have evil Halloween mask faces like melting zombies.
“What is the length of the hypotenuse, Connor!!!” The teacher screams and is now also wearing a melting mask. Her tits melt like plastic. It’s not gross because it’s like a melting wax statue or some shit. But it freaks me the fuck out.
“Fuck, bitch! I don’t fuckin know!” I’m naked and afraid. I’m always naked.
“You’re a dumbass, Connor!” Electra laughs across the room. She doesn’t have a mask on her face.
“You’re a brace-faced bitch, War Mouth!” I hate her.
She cries like a baby robot. No tears come out.
We never had Geometry class together.
Teacher points at me with a ruler. “Go to the Librarian’s Office, Connor Hughes! Go where all the fuckups go!”
I walk naked through crowded high school hallways. Everyone stares at my dick.
The library is on fire.
I don’t want to be burned alive…
Devils push me inside.
The sexy librarian stands up behind her flaming desk. She has glasses and a tight skirt and a hair bun. But it’s not adult Electra. It’s Gloria Powers. Her eyes are flames. She unbuttons her blouse and squeezes her own tits. Her forked tongue licks one nipple like a snake. She pulls up her skirt and her pubic hair is fire. I want to fuck her until my dick burns off.
She laughs evil. “You’re in trouble now, Connor Hughes. I have to spank you. Bend over my desk.”
I do.
She has a yardstick. It’s on fire. She spanks me again and again.
I like it.
My dick is hard.
It jerks every time she spanks me.
She grabs my dick and strokes it. She licks my ear and whispers, “You like it. You like it when I make you come.”
She sticks her burning yardstick up my—
—scream-scream-scream-scream—
“Fuck!” I gasp, sitting up in bed.
My heart machine guns in my chest. I feel like I’m having a heart attack. I can’t be having a heart attack. I’m twenty fuckin five years old.
—it will get worse over time without surgery—
I rip the sheet off my legs and stand up.
The bed is empty.
Where is Electra?
Panic.
Not on the balcony.
Not in the bathroom.
Naked, I rip the hotel door open.
No sign of her in the hallway.
Emptiness.
…This is all your fault…
I start to shake.
I fall to my knees and crawl inside the room and hide behind the door.
<<<<<<<>>>>>>>
CONNOR
Later that morning, I sit in Autograph Alley at the same table I was at yesterday, signing autographs. The crowds are worse today. After I scribble my name on another headshot and pose for another selfie with a random fan, some metro looking guy walks up in a suit.
“I’m Xavier Soto with Torrent Films.” He holds out his hand.
Never heard of him. I shake his hand anyway. “Connor Hughes. What’s up?”
“My business partners saw your video on TMZ yesterday.”
“And?” I lean to the side, looking past this Xavier dude at the mile long line of pink-shirted fans waiting for face time with me. This guy gets the same two minutes they do.
He smiles. “We liked what we saw.”
I’m only half listening, but something about him makes me say, “I don’t do porn.”
He chuckles, “We’re not a porn company. We make feature films.” People throw bullshit around this town all the time, but you never know if you’re talking to someone genuine.
“Yeah? You got a deal with any studios?”
“First look at Lions Gate.”
Lions Gate isn’t a major player like Warners or Paramount or Sony, but they make real movies that make it into theaters. “Nice. Whadda you need me for?”
“We’re packaging a feature based on a Nora Roberts novel. One of her older novels that has been languishing in development hell for ten years. We think now is the time for it, and you might just be the man to play the male lead.”
“No shit.” I’ve never done a cover for a Nora Roberts book, but I know exactly who she is.
“Would you be interested in doing a screen test for us?”
I’ve been in Hollywood long enough to know that everybody and their brother is working on a movie. For all I know, this guy doesn’t have shit and he’s lying about the Nora Roberts thing. “Who’s funding the movie?”
“We’ve secured half from private investors based on our script and leading lady. Once we’ve signed a male lead, we’ll get the other half.”
“Really?” He sounds like he might be for real.
“Yes, really,” he grins. “If you test well against our leading lady, who knows. You might get the part.” Nobody ever promises anything in Hollywood if they don’t have to. “So, what do you think?”
“Sounds great.” I don’t bother to mention I’ve never acted before.
“Who’s your agent?”
I’m about to say Powers Talent Agency, but I stop myself. Do I want Gloria knowing about this deal? Or do I want to start cutting ties with her now, before she gets a piece of a big payday? “Uhh…”
“You do have an agent, don’t you?”
“Not right now.”
“Never mind that. We can work out details later. But I want to get you in for a screen test with our leading lady as soon as possible. What’s your schedule look like next week?”
At the moment, all I can think about is finding Electra. Until I do, I don’t want to think about anything else. But this guy seems legit. If I want to get rid of Gloria, this would be a great way to do it. “Free and clear. Tell me where you want me and when. I’ll be there.”
He pulls out a business card. It looks expensive. “That’s my direct line. Call my assistant and she will give you details.”
I stand up and shake his hand. “Thanks, man.”
“Have fun at the show.” He turns to glance at the fans. “You have a lot of admirers and I believe more will be waiting for you when you walk the red carpet.”
I grin, “Shit, Xavier, you don’t have to suck my dick. I’ll be there.”
“Please do.” He nods knowingly and smiles like he either thinks he owns me or is better than me.
Same old shit.
“Next!” Paula hollers, waving the next fan forward.
With a smile on my face, I sign, selfie, and hug yet another woman in the line.
Today is one surprise after the next.
<<<<<<<>>>>>>>
ELECTRA
Last night was a huge mistake.
So huge, that the only thing I can think to do is call my mom. I never call her when I have problems. I solve them myself.
But for whatever reason, I can’t work through this one on my own. It’s so bad I ditched the convention and came home. Screw Vince Pitts and that stupid interview.
Today, I can’t deal.
I open the last bottle of iced coffee I had in my fridge and walk outside where it’s marginally cooler than my oven of an apartment. It doesn’t have A/C and I can’t afford a wall unit. I sit down on my cement doorstep and stare at my phone before dialing. Am I really calling my parents to whine? I guess I am.
Their house phone doesn’t have voicemail. It rings and rings. Mom finally picks up after fourteen times.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Mom.”
“Elle! I knew you would call today!”
“No you didn’t.”
“I did too.”
“Then why didn’t you answer ‘Hello, daughter’?”
She laughs like sunflowers. “Of course I knew it was you. Don’t be such a know-it-all, Elle. I could feel you wanting to call me all afternoon.”
&nb
sp; I roll my eyes. Same old hippie druid nonsense. “No you didn’t. I decided just now to call you.”
“Well, I didn’t know the exact time. But I knew. Ask Gerry. I told him over lunch.” My mom and dad always call each other by their first names. It’s a hippie thing.
“Sure, Mom.”
She ignores my bitchy attitude.
I can’t help it. My parents have rubbed me the wrong way since I was little. They mean well, but I think the stork delivered me to the wrong house when I was born.
“Phew!” She breathes heavily into the phone. “Sorry it took me so long to answer. I was moving sacks of bird seed from the truck to the barn.” Water runs in the background. “I need a drink. Just a sec. Ahh. Much better. So, tell me. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong. How’s the farm?”
“I know you didn’t call to talk about walnuts, honey. Tell me what’s bothering you.”
I sigh. “Remember Connor Hughes? From high school?”
“Yes. What about him?”
One of the tenants in my building walks by on the pathway that leads to the street. I have no privacy here when it’s hot.
I lower my voice to a whisper. “I slept with him last night.”
“You did what?”
“I—”
Right then the tenant turns on his heel and walks back toward me. I don’t even know the guy’s name. I just recognize him and his bald head and the Hawaiian shirts he always wears during summer.
When he’s gone, I hiss, “I slept with him.”
“How did that happen?”
“I was supposed to interview him yesterday.”
“So how in the world did you end up sleeping with him?”
“It’s complicated,” I sigh.
“Sounds like it. I thought you hated him. Wasn’t he the boy who always made fun of you and called you names? I thought he made you miserable?”
“He still does.”
She laughs a friendly laugh. “Then why on earth did you sleep with him, Elle?”
“I’ve been asking myself that same question all day.”
Sex has always been an open topic with my parents. Not that there has been much to talk about on my end. But they wanted me to feel comfortable bringing it up if I needed to. They were always saying things like, “Do you have any boyfriends? Are you sleeping with anybody? Don’t forget protection. If you get pregnant, come to us. We want you to make your own choices for yourself, but we want you to be informed. We will love you no matter what you do. You’re our sunshine, Elle. The light of our life.” I nearly get Adult Onset Diabetes thinking about how sweet they’ve always been. Sometimes, it was just too much. Too good to be true. I’m a born pessimist. Like I said. The stork dropped me at the wrong house.
“I thought you hadn’t seen Connor since…” Mom trails off. “Since grad night, wasn’t it? Wasn’t that the last time you saw him?”
“Don’t remind me.”
“Oh, that’s right. I remember you came home—”
“Please, Mom.”
“I’m sorry, honey. I know how much he hurt you.”
“He didn’t hurt me, Mom!”
“Denial doesn’t change what happened. You have to face it some day.”
“Mom!”
She sighs. “I know it’s hard, honey. Maybe you should come home for a few days. Spend some time with Gerry and I here on the farm.”
“No, Mom. That’s not gonna help.”
“Then what do you need, Elle? Tell me. I will do anything I can to help.”
Unconsciously, I start reading the ingredients label on my iced coffee, which I’ve nearly finished drinking. SHAKE WELL. BEST SERVED COLD. REFRIGERATE AFTER OPENING. FOR MORE INFORMATION, CALL 1-800…
“Elle? Are you all right?”
“I’m fine, Mom. It’s just that… It’s just that—” I’m not gonna say it. I nearly throw my empty bottle against the cement pathway, but stop myself. My neighbors walk here.
“What, Elle?”
“It’s just that…” I switch directions with a huffy sigh. “He’s been texting me all day, Mom. He wants to see me.”
“I’m confused. Do you not want to talk to him?”
“I don’t have any choice.”
“You always have a choice, honey.”
“No. I have to finish his stupid interview.”
“So talk to him,” she says calmly.
“You don’t get it!”
“I think I do, Elle.” That stupid sunflower smile of hers shines through the phone.
I don’t register her words. I just barrel forward. “I think maybe I like him, Mom!”
“That’s great, Elle.”
“But he’s an arrogant asshole! An annoying jerk! An inconsiderate womanizer! I can’t like him. It would be the height of stupidity to like him. I’d be better off liking a tornado or an earthquake!”
“Oh, honey. These things don’t always make sense.”
“What’s wrong with me, Mom?”
“Nothing is wrong with you, Elle. But I think you need to talk to him.”
How did I know she was going to say that?
I didn’t even need to call her.
Damn her.
<<<<<<<>>>>>>>
CONNOR
During my afternoon break, I sneak behind the wall at the back of the booth and chug a bottle of water. I also check my new phone to see if Lex has texted me back yet. She hasn’t.
After I got my shit together this morning, I hopped on my bike and headed to the nearest phone store to get a new one before the show started. Fuckin Gloria. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have dropped mine in the toilet last night. Good thing I memorized Lex’s digits so I could text her the second I got the new one.
The area behind the booth is the closest thing to privacy I’m gonna get. The only thing between me and all the fans on the show floor is a bunch of curtains. There isn’t even a roof to keep the noise out. Listening to 45,000 jabbering people all damn day gets pretty damn loud.
I kept hoping I’d hear Electra’s voice. I never did. I also kept hoping she’d poke her head in the booth and surprise me. Didn’t happen. At this point, I’m losing hope. She’s giving me the brush off. I knew she would. I saw it in her eyes last night.
The curtain suddenly ruffles and I nearly shit myself with excitement.
Electra.
Romeo leans his head in. “There he is! The star of the show!”
Fuck. Wrong head. I smirk at him. “Something like that.”
Romeo pulls the curtain closed behind him. “Where’s your co-star?”
“Who? Electra?”
“Yes!”
“Shit, man. I was hopin you’d seen her.”
He shakes his head. “Not today.”
“Fuck.”
He gives me a look. “Are you pining for her?”
“What?”
“Pining? Yearning? Longing?”
I laugh. “Dude, speak fuckin English.”
“If you weren’t so dashing, that would be rude. I simply meant, do you miss her so much it hurts?”
“No,” I scoff.
“Liar! I see it in your eyes.”
Something about this Romeo guy makes me feel like he won’t judge me. Everything comes pouring out. “I texted her a hundred times today. She never responded. We’re supposed to finish our interview today. I don’t know what the fuck happened. First I was like, fuck that bitch—” Romeo smiles. “—then I was like, I wish she’d fuckin text me back. Like, if she doesn’t, I’m gonna lose my shit and run out of the convention hall and search all of L.A. until I find her.”
Romeo gives me a weird look, “Just so you could finish your interview? Yesterday you didn’t seem all that interested in answering questions.”
“Fuck, I don’t know.”
Romeo nods like he knows shit. “Let me guess. Did you two… seal the deal last night?”
“What, like fuck her?”
“What other deal i
s there to seal?”
I grin. “Yeah. I fucked her. Best sex I’ve ever had.”
Romeo nods again. “I imagine she felt the same way.”
“That’s not your asshole talkin, is it?”
“Elle Oh Elle, Connor Hughes.”
“Well, is it?
“If you’re suggesting that I imagine sex with you would be incredible, you are correct, sir.” He winks at me and puts his monocle in his eye. “But no, I believe Ms. Warmoth has had a thing for you since… well, since long before I watched you two interact yesterday morn. Venom like that doesn’t come from lack of passion.”
“Huh?”
“She likes you. I daresay she feels even more strongly than that.”
“I don’t know about that, man. Haven’t you had a hate fuck?”
He smiles like a girl. “I don’t kiss and tell. But let me ask you this. How many women whom you’ve hate fucked do you text the next day?”
“Shit, bro. I don’t text any women I fuck the next day.”
“As I suspected. You don’t hate her, my friend. You are feeling what is commonly called love.”
I burst into laughter. “Bull fuckin shit.”
“Methinks the gentleman doth protest too much.”
I snort. “The what?”
<<<<<<<>>>>>>>
CONNOR
What a fuckin day.
I must’ve signed ten thousand headshots. My hand started to cramp at the end. But that Sharpie ink on my palm never gave out. It’s still there since yesterday.
It takes me an hour to leave the convention hall because more fans want selfies and shit. I say yes to everybody because I hate being a dick. These women are so damn nice, I wouldn’t think of it. They’re total strangers and they’re all treating me like a fuckin saint.
What they don’t know won’t hurt them.
I finally get to the parking garage and hop on my bike. Before I put my helmet on, I text Lex.
Do you want to finish the interview tonight? I’ll buy you dinner.
Her boss is expecting it.
I’m sure she’ll say yes.
It’s already five o’clock.
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