by Matt Shaw
I got up and headed back towards the door, freezing on the spot before I got there.
You promised.
“I can’t do it. I’m sorry. I can’t do it.”
Slowly I turned back to the casket and Helen’s picture. Only turned. Didn’t go back to it. I dropped to my knees and screamed out in frustration. I took a breath and counted to three before screaming again. One, two, three. Scream. One, two, three. Scream. Scream.
Before I realised what I was doing, I was standing up and flipping the chairs over - sending them flying. I turned round and kicked the picture board over and instantly stopped dead in my tracks.
Helen was looking up at me from the floor where she had landed. Still smiling. Eyes still fixed on me.
“I’m sorry…” I bent down and picked the board up. “I’m so, so sorry. I don’t know what I am doing anymore. I’m sorry…” I stood the picture back up on the easel it had previously been resting on. Slight damage to the corner of the picture but otherwise it was okay. “I’m sorry,” I told her again. She didn’t mind. Still smiling. She seemed to understand.
Just talk to her.
“David wanted me to give you a proper burial,” I told Helen. She didn’t say anything. She just sat there, listening. “I understand that but… Surely… Given the time… Surely it’s better to leave you here now? Make this whole building your tomb?” I sighed. She didn’t have to say anything. I knew it was wrong to leave her here. Anyone could come by and find her. And the way people seem to be now - made mad by what was happened to the country… I know they won’t be able to leave it. Someone will open it and mess with it. Sick Bastards are out there. And even if they don’t come and they don’t mess with the casket… The building won’t stay standing forever. There will be a time when it comes crashing down around the casket, damaging that too. There’ll be a time when she is out in the cold. I sighed.
She needs to go in the ground. It’s the right thing to do. And you promised.
Chapter Eleven
Sitting in the car. The windows are open. I’m trying not to look in the rear-view mirror at the backseat where I’ve put Helen. I can’t see anything, she is covered with a sheet I had found in the basement of the funeral home where the bodies are prepared. But - even so… I can’t bring myself to look. Just in case.
I didn’t have a choice but to take her out of the casket David had chosen for her. It was a last resort; my final option. Trust me, I explored other avenues first. For instance, parked out the back of the funeral home, in a narrow alley-way, was the parlour’s car; a black hearse. A little bit of hunting around and I found the keys but - surprise, surprise - the car was as dead as the people the home prepared for burial. Even if it hadn’t been, the sheer weight of the casket - there was no way I could move that easily by myself, if at all. I had to take her out of the coffin.
A quick scout around the area, there was nowhere suitable to bury her. No grassy areas at all, unless I chose a garden in a nearby housing estate. I did think about it for a minute or two but I couldn’t go through with it. People bury their dead pets in the gardens, not their loved ones. Well, normal people anyway. Serial killers are happy enough to utilise the space in their gardens but… Pretty sure David wouldn’t be appreciative if he ever found out.
He never will.
Regardless. I can’t do that to Helen. She deserves better. And that’s when I thought of the park about two miles from here. It’s not the biggest park but it’s beautiful down there. At least it used to be. It could have changed since I had last seen it - so much had - but it is still the best bet that I have. As callous as it sounds, I don’t want to be driving round all day with Helen in the car. I just want this done and I want to get back to my family.
I started the engine with no issues (Thank God) and pulled away from the side of the road. Helen slumped down in the back when I turned the first corner. Don’t look back, the sheet probably fell off.
As the car gathered speed, the wind blew in from outside helping to get rid of Helen’s smell.
Stop thinking of the smell as being her body. It’s not helping.
“I’m sorry you were left alone for so long,” I told her. I knew she couldn’t hear me. I knew she couldn’t respond. I was tired - yes - but I wasn’t losing my mind. I wasn’t going crazy. It just helped me, talking. Killing the silence that was starting to get to me despite loving it earlier. “David’s been putting himself through hell because of this. He blamed himself for that fact that you were left alone. Of course I kept telling him it wasn’t his fault. We didn’t ask for this just as you hadn’t either.” Not sure what else to say. “I’ve been trying to get back for years but so much red tape, you know? I would have thought they’d have been grateful. One less mouth to feed, one less refugee taking up a bed needing a permanent place of residence.” It would have been easier if she could respond to me. Talking for the sake of it, killing the silence. I’m so unused to conversations these days, usually lost in my own private thoughts. This all feels alien to me. “He’s written you a letter. I don’t know what it says. It didn’t feel right to open it, you know?” I paused a moment. “I mean, if you want me to… I can read it to you when the time is right? Only if you want me to.” Another awkward pause with only the sound of the engine trying to kill the silence. “Thought I’d take you to the park. A nice little spot under the trees overlooking the lake. Thought it would be peaceful down there.” I paused a moment and started to laugh. Not sure why. Perhaps because this whole situation just seems ridiculous? “You don’t care, do you?” I sighed. “I should have left you in the funeral home…”
I pressed my foot down harder on the accelerator. Sooner I get there, the sooner I can get her in the ground and get back to my journey. I just wish that, after all of this, there’d be a way to get word to David to let him know it was done; my promise fulfilled.
I I
The sweat was pouring off me. I was covered in dirt. I was tired. My limbs ached, especially my arms. The deed was done though, Helen was in the ground - still wrapped in a sheet - waiting to be covered by the dirt I’d removed in order to create the hole. I’m just glad the couple - Morgan and Elise - had had a shovel I could borrow. I told them I would return it when I moved my family back to their neck of the woods. They could have the shovel back and their car. They said okay but I don’t think they believe they’ll see me again. They will. There’s no reason why we should all live so far apart, in complete isolation. It would be much better, for all of us, to create a small community and - besides - they seem like a good couple. Jesus. Talk about getting ahead of myself. There’s still the question of getting home and finding out whether my wife even wants me there. I still don’t know if she refused to go to the camp because she was waiting for me or because she didn’t want to see me. Hopefully not the latter. Hopefully.
I tossed the shovel to one side for a minute. I’m exhausted and need a break before filling the hole back in again. An egg for breakfast would have been okay if I didn’t have to do much with my day. But, with physical exercise like this… Doesn’t take long to burn it off.
I sat down next to the hole.
“I hope you like the spot.”
I had dug the hole close to a tree. It wasn’t directly beneath the leaves, swaying in the breeze, as I suspected there’d be some large roots down there, not far beneath the surface of the earth making the dig even harder.
The view from the tree was of the lake. I remember coming here years ago with the family, when visiting my brother, and feeding the ducks. Looking down there now, there’s no ducks. I’m not sure if they’ve all died out or whether they’ve moved on. The fact I’ve seen wildlife since getting back suggests they’re not dead, just somewhere else. That’s what I’ll go with in my head anyway. It’s cheerier than thinking of them all deceased.
“I like it here.” Again, I knew she wouldn’t respond. “Always liked it here. Walking on lazy Sunday afternoons, feeding the ducks down on the waterfront, s
un beating down. It was always peaceful.” I paused a moment and listened to the silence. Can’t even hear wind blowing through leaves. There is literally nothing. “Still is peaceful.”
Looking down to the body, I feel as though something should be said but I don’t have the words. Now would be a good time for the letter David wrote, I guess? I reached into my back pocket and pulled it out. Feels wrong to be reading this, private words between husband and wife, but I wasn’t told not to read it. Surely, if it were that private, he would have told me it wasn’t for my eyes?
Decision made.
I tore into the envelope and pulled out the folded piece of paper. Unfolding it, I slid the envelope into my back pocket again. Just because the world has gone to shit, no need to litter and make it worse.
“So this is the letter that David wrote for you.” Standing next to the open grave, I started reading it out loud. “My dear, dear wife…” I stopped and apologised to Helen, “I’m sorry. I feel weird reading this out. I kind of wish you were here to read it for yourself to save me having to do it.” I stopped talking and tried to compose myself, once again reminding myself that there was nothing on the envelope telling me not to read the contents.
Maybe David just presumed you wouldn’t open it?
I started again, “My dear, dear wife…”
B E F O R E
D A V I D
Chapter Twelve
David watched as the bus disappeared around the next corner. And there goes my brother. He had known this day was coming. From the moment he’d gotten there, Luke had been desperate to get back to England in order to try and find his family. David had tried talking him out of it. Not just for the selfish reasons of not wanting to lose his brother but also because he knew the likelihood of getting home safely and crossing the country - potentially on foot mostly - with no one to help was highly unlikely. It didn’t help with all of the rumours saying how bad it was over there; high levels of radiation, a broken and contaminated land left to ruin with no chance of people moving back again for thousands and thousands of years.
David sighed as he turned away from the camp’s exit point. No sense standing there hoping for the bus to suddenly appear again with his brother waving from the front, having changed his mind about leaving.
“Oh fuck!” David spun around, looking back to where the bus had vanished. Definitely gone. “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” He ran towards one of the guards standing at the exit point monitoring the vehicles, both the incoming ones and outgoing. “Hey!” The guard turned to him, his twitching finger close to the gun’s trigger as though already expecting trouble. “My brother just left on that bus and I forgot to give him something… Do you know if there is a second bus going out later?”
“We’re not a delivery service.”
“Come on, man, I’m probably not going to see him again. Come on. I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important.”
The guard looked David up and down. “There’s a second bus going out later on. If it’s small and you get it to me, I’ll ensure it’s on there but I can’t promise it will make it to your brother. That’s the best I can do.”
David nodded. It wasn’t perfect but it was better than nothing. Besides, he really didn’t have any choice. “Thank you.”
“Like I said, no promises.”
“I know. I’ll fetch it now. You’re not going anywhere, are you?”
“I’ll be here.”
David had already started back towards his dormitory. Tucked beneath his bed, hidden by some of the clothes he’d been given - donated by the people of America - there was a rucksack. Inside that, a teddy bear that was meant for one of the small children - again, donated from outside the camp. There were some supplies that he’d stashed away instead of eating himself and - finally - a letter he had written to his wife. Even if Luke had said no to giving Helen a proper burial, he could have at least taken the letter to her. The teddy bear was meant for his son and the supplies - various bars and drinks - well, that would have come in handy no matter what. Grabbing the bag, he hurried back to the guard before he had a chance to leave his post or - worse yet - change his mind.
“That was quick.” The guard eyed the bag suspiciously, “What is it?”
“Feel free to open it.”
The guard didn’t need David’s permission or invitation to open it and cautiously undid the zip before peering in. He noticed all of the food first, “Where did you get those?”
“I’ve not been eating all of my rations. I’ve been saving them.”
“You know you’re not supposed to do that…”
David appealed to the guard’s humanity once again, “My brother is going to the exclusion zone with nothing but the clothes on his back. He isn’t doing it because he was kicked out of the camp. He’s doing it because he wants to find his family. He has a wife and a child out there. Please… Just… Let’s not say anything. It won’t be happening again, will it?”
The guard thought for a moment and nodded. He started looking back through the bag again and stumbled across the bear, “For the child?” He didn’t wait for an answer. He zipped the bag back up. “Remember - I make no promises.”
“Please - just try your best?”
“I’ll see it’s on the bus. That’s the best I can do.”
“Thank you. Really. Thank you. His name is Luke. Okay?”
“Fine and not a problem.”
David walked away but not too far, just around the corner where he perched himself on the ground out of sight - his eyes fixed on the guard at the camp’s entrance. He watched as the guard set the bag to one side and took a seat on his stool again. David didn’t want to let that bag out of his sight and had no intentions of moving until he saw it was put on the bus just as the guard had promised. Then - and only then - would he carry on with what was left of his day. A day he had already planned to be far shorter than it should have been.
I I
The bus pulled out of the camp, driving from the grassy area onto the hard concrete of the road leading back down to the city. True to his word, the guard had passed the bag to a female worker giving her instructions to pass it on to Luke. David knew there was a chance it might not get to his brother but that didn’t matter now. It had left the camp so at least it was one step closer and he could carry on with his plan; something he’d been thinking about for a while now - his brother leaving being the final driving force to putting the plan into action.
With regards to the bag and whether it got to Luke or not, it wasn’t the end of the world if it didn’t. It would have just been nice for Luke. Some food to help him on the journey, a bear for his son and the letter for Helen. If it didn’t get to him it just meant Luke wouldn’t have the supplies, his son wouldn’t get the bear and Helen wouldn’t be buried with the letter but that… Helen not getting the letter… That wasn’t the end of the world. Soon enough David would be able to tell her what it said face to face. The two of them together again, somewhere safe having left all of this behind.
David’s heart wasn’t beating as hard as he thought it would have been. There was no adrenaline flowing through his body. If anything he felt calmer than he had done for a long, long time. This reaction, or lack of reaction at least, simply confirmed to him that he was doing the right thing.
He got up from the ground where he’d been crouched, watching the guard. The time had come. Without waiting to ensure there weren’t many people around who could get hurt, David hurried back over to the guard.
The guard spotted him and called out, “It’s gone. Can’t promise it will get much further than that but it has definitely left.”
“I saw, thank you. I really appreciate it.” David reached the guard, “And I’m really sorry about this.”
“What?”
David swung a hard punch that caught the guard by surprise, knocking him down to the ground. Before he had a chance to get up, or even defend himself, David leaned down and snatched the pistol from the guard’s holster. He aimed it at
the man’s forehead and the guard responded by putting his hands in the air and immediately backing up.
“Don’t shoot! I’m just doing my job!”
David didn’t say anything. He offered the guard no reassurance. Instead he pictured Helen. She was smiling that beautiful smile that helped attract her to him in the first place. That sparkle in her eyes. Her soft voice. Her giggle. A naughty little giggle at that. The feel of her skin against his skin, the touch of their hands. Still no adrenaline. Still no fear. Still no raised heartbeat.
Peace.
David turned the gun on himself and put the barrel in his mouth. The guard screamed for him not to do it. Other people came running to help. Some turned away, scared of what they were going to see. David’s finger slowly started to put pressure on the trigger, nervous about what lay ahead of him.
Would it hurt?
A moment of pain and his wife would be with him once more.
A moment of pain.
T O D A Y
Chapter Thirteen
It’s a joke. It has to be a joke. Why would he have written this? Why would he do this? Unless. Is it real? It can’t be. He wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t kill himself. He wouldn’t even try. He’s never had thoughts like that before.
But then… He hadn’t lost everything before either.
He’d lost his wife, his home and then his brother.
Is the letter real?
Could the letter be real? Did I drive him to this?
I dropped to my knees and fell forward on one hand.
Everything is spinning.
It can’t be real.
He wouldn’t have done that.
He couldn’t have.
I knelt up, I’ll just call him.
Call him? How?
I screamed. No echo to my voice again. Swallowed up by the nothing. A second scream. I looked back down at the letter and scanned my eyes over it again hoping that my tired mind had just completely misread it. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. Tears - again - as guilt weighed down heavily on my shoulders at the thought of my brother taking his life because I had left him. The straw that broke the camel’s back, so to speak. I should have stayed with him. I should have stayed.