by Jill Knapp
“Damn it!” I tossed the phone on the couch.
“Be careful, you’re going to break your phone,” Amalia warned. She reached into her purse and pulled out her own cell. She immediately began texting someone.
I threw up my arms and then let them slap the side of my thighs. “Could you do me a favor and leave me alone please?” I snapped.
“Whoa, what’s your problem?” Amalia stood up immediately and folded her arms in front of her tiny frame. “I just got here and you’re taking this out on me!”
“Exactly!” I practically shouted. “You left for three months and you just got back. So please stop acting like you know anything about me and my relationship.”
“Well excuse me, Olivia!” Amalia put her hand up. “If I don’t know anything about your relationship it’s because the two of you kept it a secret from your closest friends for nearly a year. Who knows if you would have even told me about the two of you if Alex hadn’t knocked on my apartment door that day looking for you.” Amalia grabbed her cell phone off the coffee table and stuffed it into her back pocket. She reached for her purse and gripped it firmly at her side. “And I don’t remember getting any emails from you when I was in Rio. I’m sorry if I didn’t reach out enough, but it’s not my fault I don’t know what is or isn’t considered a big fight to you and Alex.”
I knew she was right. It was cowardly of me to make Alex promise not to tell anyone about our relationship last semester, and now it was back to bite me. I threw my hands back up in the air and numbly headed to my bedroom door.
“Unbelievable,” Amalia muttered under her breath.
Suddenly, I felt really guilty for taking my problems out on her and turned on my heel to face her.
“Hey, I’m sorry,” I sighed. “You’re right about literally everything you just said. I just feel so on edge this semester for some reason.”
Amalia shook her head. She too was refusing to meet my gaze. “I am going to sign that lease soon, so don’t worry, I’ll be out of your hair.”
“No, that’s not what I meant,” I said. “And that’s definitely not what I want. I shouldn’t have told you to leave me alone. That’s exactly what I said to Alex as soon as he started getting testy with me, and that’s why he left. I don’t know why, but I feel like I am always pushing people away.”
“Yeah,” she lowered her eyes. “I know what that’s like.” Something made me wonder if she was referring to Hayden. She tossed her purse and cell phone back on the couch. “Don’t worry about it, we’ll be crazy together.” I laughed and nodded in agreement. “Want me to make some tea? Maybe we could find a terribly cheesy chick flick to watch?”
“Yeah,” my shoulders immediately relaxed. “I could really use that.”
“Alright,” she smiled. As soon as she turned on the television, her phone buzzed for the third time since she had arrived.
“Is that Hayden?” I asked. “Let me get my laptop, I want to google this guy!”
“We’re not doing that!” she jumped up and blocked me. Her smile immediately disappeared. “It’s not from Hayden. It’s Michael.”
“Michael Rathbourne?” I whispered.
“No,” she put her hand on her hip. “Michael Caine.”
I shot her a look. “You and Michael are talking again?” Just as I thought she was finally moving forward with her life, Michael had to swoop back in and mess it up.
Amalia let out a long groan and hung her head backwards. “I did not initiate this. He texted me on the way home from hanging out with Hayden, and he just texted me again right now.” She was fidgeting with her cell phone, moving it back and forth from hand to hand. “I haven’t even answered him.”
“What did he say?” I asked. “Forget the chick flick, your boy drama is way more interesting.”
“Very funny,” she smirked. “All the first text message said was, “Hey” and this one just now says, “Can you meet up before class tomorrow?”
“What do you think that means?” I asked, uncomfortably shifting my weight on the couch.
“Who the hell knows with him?” she sounded exasperated. “Our award-winning, multi-published professors wouldn’t know what to make of mine and Michael’s relationship. I certainly don’t. We could analyze this forever, people still argue about whether or not the moon landing was real! And in all honestly, I meant what I said when I left over the summer. I’m tired of campaigning for his attention.”
I pretended we were at an award show and started to do a slow-clap. Amalia laughed and stood up, taking an over-the-top bow.
“So then you like Hayden,” I nudged. “I knew it.”
“Right now, let’s operate under the notion that I don’t like anybody,” she said sternly. “Last semester kicked my ass. I have to focus on school. And getting into that work-study program! So for tonight, let’s watch Something Borrowed and leave all of this texting nonsense until tomorrow.”
“I’m so proud of you,” I said, leaning over to give her a side hug.
“Thanks,” she smiled. “I’ll go make that tea now. You want chamomile, right?”
I nodded and checked my phone again to see if Alex had tried to reach me. Nothing.
I knew Amalia was trying to be strong, but I could still tell that any contact from Michael was hard for her. If she felt for Michael half of what I felt for Alex, I knew it was going to be a long semester for her. I just hoped she was able to keep her promise to herself and not let him suck her back in with his charms.
Amalia’s phone buzzed again; she scrunched her face up while reading the text.
“Who is it this time?” I asked. “Nicholas?”
“Don’t even joke about that,” she said, suddenly serious. “No, it’s Cassandra. The magazine she works at is having a party this weekend and apparently you and I are invited.”
“Sounds like a blast,” I said, trying not to sound too sarcastic.
“I feel like I have to go,” she started typing back. “I haven’t seen her in a couple of weeks.” She reached for the teapot and turned on the sink faucet.
“I’ll come with you,” I said. “It might be slightly enjoyable. Oh! You should ask her if Hayden can come too.”
Amalia touched her chin and looked deep in thought for a moment. Then she shrugged and flicked on the stove. “I’ll think about it.”
“Come on,” I goaded her. “You know you like him.”
“I don’t like anyone right now,” she laughed. “Remember what I just said? I have to focus on school. You remember school, right? The big building with all of the books in it?”
“You know what happens every time someone says that?” I walked over to the cabinet and reached for the box of chamomile. “That they want to focus on themselves and not be in a relationship?”
“No, Olivia,” she laughed, grabbing some honey from the shelf. “What happens?”
“They end up in a relationship,” I grinned widely. “Or engaged.”
“Great, just shoot me,” she shook her head. “Now I’m definitely going to flunk out.”
Chapter 11
Amalia
Washington Square Park was practically empty this morning. As soon as I reached the end of 5th Avenue and entered the park under the giant arch, I noticed no one but a few guys hanging out by the fountain. They were all wearing jeans and button-down shirts. Probably still awake from last night, I thought as I passed a bed of flowers on my right. I loved when this area was empty. It was just quaint enough to feel like you weren’t in the city as long as a bunch of hipsters weren’t smoking cigarettes or skate-boarding while you were trying to relax. I walked toward an empty bench and sat down. The wood felt cool from the shade, and in the morning air you could tell that summer would only be sticking around for a few more days. I pulled my light-blue cardigan out of my over-sized purse, which usually housed my laptop and at least one textbook, and quickly pushed my arms through the sleeves. I had gotten up early this morning and gone for a walk before class started. For some
reason I ended up here. Just as I reached for my Kindle, I heard footsteps to my left.
“Amalia?” Michael asked. “Hey, good morning.”
I took a deep breath and coughed. I had actually forgotten all about meeting up with him to talk this morning. I hadn’t even texted him back, but I should have realized he would have had to cut through the park to get to class. I didn’t want to blow him off, but at the same time I wasn’t really sure what we had to talk about.
“Hi,” I said, uneasily. “How are you?”
“I’m good,” he shifted his shoulder bag from one arm to another. “Mind if I sit down?” He pointed to the park bench.
I glanced down at the bench. My bag was currently taking up just enough room for one person. I nodded and moved it to the floor. “Sorry I didn’t text you back last night. I am staying with Olivia and she and I were up late talking.”
Michael just shook his head and smiled. He put his computer bag next to mine and slid onto the bench. “It’s fine, don’t worry about it. But I do want to talk to you, if that’s okay?”
“Of course,” I answered, trying to sound breezy. I suddenly felt very warm and promptly removed my sweater. “What’s up?”
“I just hate that we haven’t really talked in months,” he said. He was slightly hunched over, and his hands were folded in front of him. It was unusual for him. He was usually so stiff. So poised. As the sun made its way into our shaded corner, I could see in his eyes that he was exhausted.
“It’s only because I wasn’t here,” I said quickly, noticing his collection of books pouring out of his bag.
“I know,” he nodded, his tired eyes locked on the ground. “You went away.”
“It’s not like I am avoiding you,” I replied, even though I wasn’t sure whether that was the truth or not. I certainly hadn’t made any effort to see Michael since I had returned. There was a distinct silence that followed as he straightened his posture out and looked me straight in the eyes. I cleared my throat and checked my watch. “We have about fifteen minutes before class starts.”
“You’re right,” he said, breaking eye contact. “Are you applying for the work-study program?”
I nodded and suddenly felt a wave of dread over the possibility of working with Dr. Greenfield next semester. “I know I qualify, I’m completely broke. Plus, I need to do something to set me apart from all of the other students here. Not to mention my résumé’s a little thin.” I felt my phone buzz in my pocket, but ignored it. My meeting with Michael was awkward enough without the possibility of an impromptu text from Hayden making me more uncomfortable.
“I think it’s a great opportunity,” he offered. “And from what I’ve heard, that professor who’s running it is extremely influential.”
I just nodded and smiled, unsure of what to say.
His attention was suddenly grabbed by a gaggle of undergrads loudly making their way through the park, heading to their classes. He let out a small laugh and shook his head at them. As he rubbed his eyes, I knew what he felt. Envy. They were only a few years younger than us, but their lives were completely different. They were still filled with hope and excitement for school. The possibility of getting into the graduate program of their choice or landing the job of their dreams. I was filled with anxiety and pressure, and even though he would probably never admit it, I think Michael was beginning to feel it also. While our conversations were about research studies and making ends meet, theirs were about fraternity parties and tales of weekend debauchery. I caught eyes with one of the girls in the group. She was wearing an over-sized chunky sweater, tight skinny jeans, and brown knee- high boots. Her long, auburn hair shone as she quickly turned back to her friends and giggled, practically bouncing with energy with her to-go coffee cup from Murray’s Bagels in her hand. I closed my eyes and smiled, allowing myself to feel her energy for just a moment. Remembering what it was like to still be free.
Michael turned back to me and inched a little bit closer. Even at a quarter to nine in the morning, he smelled like his signature blend. The memory of past events, only a few months ago now, felt like years, but as soon as he got that close to me my heart picked up the pace and it seemed like only yesterday that I was waking up at his apartment, silently begging the sun to stay down a little longer so we wouldn’t have to get up.
“So are you and Angela together?” I blurted out, and then immediately wished I hadn’t. “I mean, not that it’s any of my business.” I crossed my legs, shifting about an inch away from him.
“No. We’re not in a relationship,” he answered, as if it was absurd to believe otherwise. “What makes you say that?”
“She was kind of all over you the other day in class,” I explained. “I just assumed maybe you two were together.” I wasn’t really sure how to feel about this explanation. I didn’t necessarily want to be with Michael at this point, but a part of me really didn’t want him to be dating anyone else.
“No,” he shook his head. “We hung out a couple of times over the summer. Maybe it meant more to her than it did to me.”
Wow, I thought. Classic Michael.
“We should get going,” I stood up and reached for my bag. “I really can’t afford to be late.”
“I hear that,” he said, collecting his belongings. “I really missed you, Amalia.” As soon as we reached for our bags, his hand brushed against mine. I quickly pulled away and tucked a stray curl behind my ear. I couldn’t deny that I missed him too.
“Can I walk you to class?” he asked, seemingly unaffected by our physical contact.
“Sure,” I took a step forward and he motioned for me to walk in front of him.
As we silently made our way to class, I felt the all-too-familiar anxiety that came with being in proximity with Michael. My phone buzzed again and my stomach dropped at the possibility that it was Hayden. The more I thought about it, the more I realized just how difficult it was going to be to get through this year unscathed.
Chapter 12
Olivia
“Still no word from Alex?” Amalia whispered to me as we sat in class. As the rest of the students feverishly took notes, most likely only understanding half of what Dr. Greenfield was saying, I was anxiously checking my phone every five minutes. She was sitting in between Michael and myself. I don’t think she noticed, but he kept looking over at her, almost studying her. Angela had gotten to class late and wasn’t able to sit with us. She was a few rows to the right and kept tossing glances this way any chance she got. I felt guilty that there wasn’t a seat available for her by our group, but by the same token I didn’t want to feel any tension between her and Amalia while I was worried about Alex and trying to concentrate on class.
“No,” I shook my head. I felt an influx of sadness and worry. “I’m kind of scared. He’s never not answered any of my calls or texts before.”
“Maybe Michael has seen him,” she whispered, even lower. Michael heard his name being said and looked up for a second. I just grimaced and sunk a little lower in my chair. “I’m going to go by his apartment later and make sure he’s alright.”
“Alright everyone,” Dr. Greenfield clapped his hands together. “That’s all for today. Your first exam is in two weeks.”
Amalia’s eyes widened and she inhaled sharply.
“Our exam’s only in two weeks? I better start studying tonight.” Amalia stood up, but left her belongings by her chair. “Okay, here I go.” She smoothed out a wrinkle on her shirt and made her way to the front of the room.
“Where is she going?” I asked Michael.
He unplugged his computer from a neighboring outlet and watched Amalia make her way down to the front of the room. “I think she’s going to talk to the professor about setting up an interview for the work-study program.”
“Damn,” I said. “I should really do that too.”
“What’s stopping you?” he asked, wrapping his computer cord up into a neat circle.
The truth was, I just couldn’t imagine the ad
ded pressure of being a research assistant with a full course load. Amalia had approached Dr. Greenfield and from what I could see, kept her composure the whole time she spoke with him. I wasn’t sure I could do the same, being in that position.
“Nothing,” I said. “I’ll just shoot him an email when I get home. I don’t feel like talking to him about it in person.”
“Fair enough,” he smiled. “I’m taking off. Tell Amalia I said bye.”
“You got it,” I nodded. I watched him look over to Amalia, but as soon as he exited the row Angela caught his attention and he walked out with her. I wondered if they were going somewhere together. Ultimately, it was none of my business.
A moment later, my cell buzzed in my purse and I almost jumped out of my skin when I saw that it was a text from Alex telling me he was outside the building. Relieved, I made my way out of the classroom and opted to take the stairs instead of waiting in line for the elevator. When I got outside, I saw Alex leaning up against the wall of the building smoking a cigarette. I gingerly made my way over to him.
“Can I bum one?” I said, half-jokingly. Alex looked up and nodded, his eyes were puffy and tired. He looked kind of messy. His dark-blonde hair was hidden under a baseball cab. He had traded his usual polo or button-down shirt for a plain T. I made a joke about him being incognito and he laughed weakly.
“I just didn’t feel like sitting through class today,” he said, taking a long drag.
“I never feel like coming to this class, so I completely understand.” I leaned against the wall with him and reached for his hand. He either didn’t notice or didn’t want it, because he didn’t reach back.
“I’m sorry I took off like that last night,” he threw the cigarette on the floor and stepped on it. “And I’m sorry I didn’t answer any of your calls or texts.”