“Is that what happens at the farm? People…punish themselves?”
Nessa laughed. “No! Universe no! The total opposite.”
“It’s where we go to heal, to learn,” Britt said, “to progress on our journey, or at least learn to recognize the signposts the universe provides to make the journey as easy as possible.”
“I don’t think that will help Gia in the short term,” I said.
“Well, tell her we’re still here for her,” Helen said. “We’ll do what we can to ease her suffering and help her see—”
“What? It’s a good thing she’s about to get kicked out of her home? That the baby she desperately wanted to have with Billy he’s now having with his no doubt much younger girlfriend?” I snapped. “Come on.”
All three women stared at me in confusion. My vehemence was not good. If I hated Billy and them so much, why was I there now? I knew at least Helen was thinking it. Fucking Mom, I thought as I set down the grater. “I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you all. I just…don’t like cheats.”
“It’s all right,” Helen said. “The same thing happened to her. Her husband…”
Nessa rubbed my arm. Once again I had to suppress the urge to swat her hand away. Being touched by a stranger was torture for a non-hugger like me. “I am so sorry that was part of your journey.”
“Thank you.”
“It’s not just that, is it?” Helen asked. “Something happened today. Your energy is so…angry. Hurt. You’re practically glowing with rage.”
“You have to let it out, Carol,” Britt instructed. “Holding on to that form of energy just makes your body and soul sick.”
“Was it your ex-husband?” Nessa asked. “Did he do something?”
After my outburst, I had to get them back in my good graces and play along. Plus, Britt was right. Letting it out was the best medicine. “No, it was my mother. We got in a fight not even half an hour ago. She basically blamed me for…what happened with my husband. It was my fault we never had children, that he strayed. If I’d been…better, more, I wouldn’t be in the situation I am now. A cold, childless spinster who’ll die alone and unloved.”
“Your mother said that to you?” Helen asked, horrified.
“To be fair, she’d just gotten bad news and is selfish and immature on a good day, but I was trying to make her feel better, and I was the closest person when she needed to lash out.”
“That is no excuse,” Helen said vehemently. “No one should say such horrid, untrue things to you, least of all your mother, and especially when you were trying to help her. You poor thing. Come here.” Helen embraced me again, but this time I didn’t want to pull away. It felt really good to be hugged by someone completely on my side. “None of what she said is true. You are good. You are kind. You are worthy of love, and it will find you as long as you leave yourself open to its possibility.”
“Your mother sounds like an emotional vampire,” Nessa said as she rubbed my arm.
“I did put her through a lot,” I said in her defense. “And we’re so different. I’m all head and she’s all heart. I don’t think she ever understood me. It always felt like she thought I was some alien she got stuck with and didn’t know how to communicate with.”
Helen released me. “That is a tragic way to grow up, especially when it’s your own mother who made you feel like that. Alone. Alienated. Misunderstood.”
“What about your father?” Britt asked.
“He’s…never been in the picture.”
“Big shock,” Nessa said, rolling her eyes. “Men who turn their backs on their children should be castrated.”
“So it was just you and your mom growing up?” Helen asked.
“No, there was my younger…sister, and my aunt and uncle. They helped raise us.”
“But still,” Helen said pinning a stray hair behind my ear, “mothers and fathers should love you unconditionally from cradle to grave. Especially beautiful, smart, sweet, bright souls like you.”
“You…think I’m beautiful and bright?” I asked.
“Of course! Anyone with eyes and half a brain would.”
“I do,” Nessa said.
“Me too,” Britt said.
“And so do you,” Helen said. “Your mother, your father, your husband, the toxic modern world may have beaten you blind from that fact for their own selfish gains, but just recognizing they have, just being here in this temple of truth and healing, you will see your own light again. I believe in you, Carol.”
“I believe in you, Carol,” Nessa said.
“I believe in you, Carol,” Britt said too.
Helen embraced me again, but this time the girls hugged us as well. “And we’ll help you believe it too,” Helen whispered, “just as you’ll help us in ways you can’t even imagine yet.”
“We’re so lucky we found each other, Carol,” Nessa whispered.
“The universe truly is kind,” Britt whispered.
Once again I believed they believed these words. It was nice, all of them truly believing in me and wanting only good things for me. They absolutely did. For a moment I let myself just bask in the glow of pure kindness without thinking or rationalizing. I just enjoyed the unconditional love from nice people. I guess I just needed a hug. Britt moved away first, then Nessa, but Helen seemed reluctant to release me. She needed a hug too.
“Are you okay, Helen?” I asked.
She stepped away and wiped her teary eyes. “I’m just…whenever I hear about some woman squandering her privilege of being a mother, it hurts. I lost my son twice over. Once when I went to prison, then finally when he died of an overdose.”
“I-I’m so sorry—I had no idea,” I said.
“Before I had Chad I was…a mess. If it was out there, I did it. Drugs, men, gambling. Then I found out I was pregnant. I got clean. It was hard. I worked two jobs and got my certificate as an interventionist, but then Chad was diagnosed diabetic. I couldn’t afford his insulin, then his dialysis. Even with insurance, I couldn’t keep up. I needed money to save my boy. So I forged prescriptions from the doctors I worked with. Dealt. And I got caught. I spent eight years in prison. Chad went into foster care and…while I was in prison, he OD’d. My baby boy died because I couldn’t afford to take care of him, and the only reason I couldn’t was because I was trying to. All I was trying to do was be a good mother.”
My heart broke for her right there in that kitchen. I actually took her in my arms and hugged her without prompting. She hugged me back. “I am so sorry. It sounds like you were a great mother. Your son was lucky to have you as long as he did.”
“I was the lucky one,” she whispered into my shoulder. “And your mother and father obviously don’t know how lucky they are to have such a wonderful, beautiful, caring daughter like you.”
“Is it too late for you to adopt me?” I asked.
“And me,” Nessa said.
“Me too,” Britt said.
Helen chuckled and pulled away. “You’re all so sweet,” she said, wiping her tears.
“We learned it from you and Mathias, Helen,” Nessa said before looking my way. “They found me and my son, Deacon, at a homeless shelter in Pittsburgh after my father tossed us out when I refused to let him use my son as a drug mule. As if the years of pimping me out for drugs weren’t enough.”
“My mother was a schizophrenic, and since he had a new family, my father didn’t want any reminders of her.” Britt held up her arm to show a large scar running down her forearm. “She tried to kill me and was committed. I got shipped off to Dad’s. He and that bitch wife treated me like the maid and babysitter for their real kids. Then he kicked me out on my eighteenth birthday. They found me, or I found them, at a shelter too. Nessa, Paul, and Megan saved my life.”
“You saved your life,” Nessa insisted. “We were nothing more than the ambassadors to your new way of life. You were the one who found the strength to begin the journey.” Nessa looked at me. “Just like Carol has. Forget your mothe
r. Forget your ex-husband. We’re your family now.”
I don’t care how secure you are with yourself, hearing those words would still get to you. My heart swelled a little. There was so much love in that kitchen I could practically sense it prickling against my skin like a warm rain shower. I didn’t want to leave. So I didn’t. Helen went to clean herself up after the tears, but I remained in the kitchen, grating the cheese and chatting with Nessa and Britt about their stories. I’d spoken to countless victims through the years, but what struck me about those girls was how at peace they seemed with what they’d endured. Nessa talked about the years of prostitution as if she were describing a road trip, like it was just something that happened. It was horrible, but she’d moved on. “And without it, I never would have had Deacon.”
Same with Britt and her mother. “The universe made her part of my journey so in the future, maybe, I could help others with mental illness. I want to go to college instead of working at Walmart, but I have to save money and pitch in around here.”
I didn’t want to ruin the atmosphere with my invasive questions, but I saw the opening and had to take it. Just like I’d stuffed the fork Helen used into my purse to get her fingerprints when all their attention were on their tasks. I liked the women, I did, but I never forgot my mission. “How does that work, exactly?” I asked as I finished grating the cheese. “Do you just hand over your paycheck to Helen and if you need gas or something she gives you the money?”
“No, we keep some walking-around money,” Britt said, “and Mathias does make me set aside ten percent of our checks for savings for college.”
I wanted to ask if she’d seen proof of this alleged account but held my tongue. Carol would never think to ask that. “I hope you get to go. I liked college.”
“I am going. The universe keeps showing me guideposts, and I even help lead seminars when Helen can’t,” Britt said. “I—”
The little boy from the day before, Nessa’s Deacon, and a little African American girl a few years older, maybe seven, with her hair pulled into two curly pigtails came running inside. “Hello, handsome,” Nessa said as she scooped up her son. She looked down at the girl. “Gorgeous.”
“Nessa, we’re thirsty,” the girl whined.
“Sofia and Caleb too?” Nessa asked, moving toward the fridge. The girl nodded yes. “Four milks coming right up.”
The girl looked over at me. “Are you moving into The Temple too?”
“I—”
“Keisha, you’re being rude,” Nessa chided. “Don’t ask someone that until you’ve at least been introduced.”
“Okay. I’m Keisha. You’re very pretty.”
“Uh, thank you. So are you.” I held out my hand. “I’m Carol.”
The girl shook it. “I’m Keisha. I’m eight. Are you the one Paul’s in love with?”
“Keisha!” Britt said.
“What? Megan told Mama Helen he was!”
“Okay, big mouth, go outside and I’ll bring the drinks to you. Go!” Nessa ordered. With a pout, Keisha stomped back outside. Nessa sighed. “Sorry about that.”
“It’s okay,” I chuckled, though I could still feel my cheeks burning in embarrassment.
“It’s true, though,” Britt said.
“What?”
“Paul. He hasn’t been able to shut up about you since last night. He was grilling Meg and Helen like a cop in a movie,” Britt said. “And he was up all night learning a song he said was your favorite.”
Dear God. “Why? He barely knows me.”
“Come on. You don’t believe in love at first sight?” Nessa asked as she poured the milk.
I did, actually. I’d never experienced it, but my husband sure had. “I guess, but…”
“You didn’t feel it for him?” Britt frowned at me. “That’s just because you’re not as in tune to the universe as he is. You’re still clogged up by the white noise of the modern world.”
“You must have felt something when you saw him,” Nessa said, putting the milk away.
“I mean…he’s attractive without question, and seems very sweet and romantic, but—”
“Knew it! You like him back,” Britt said in singsong.
“Who likes who?” Helen asked as she walked back in.
“Carol likes Paul,” Nessa sang as she went into the backyard.
“Can we please drop this?” I asked, my cheeks hot again.
“What’s the problem? You’re both single. You’re both attracted to each other. The universe obviously wants you to be together. We all sense it. Why not go for it?” Britt asked.
“Because I don’t think I’m ready,” I said. “I love…loved my husband.”
“But that part of your journey is over,” Britt instructed. “Carol, he’s gone. He is never coming back. And I think…it’s not that you’re not ready. I think you’re scared and you’re allowing that fear to keep you standing still. You have a great man in your life now. The best. It’s time to move on. The universe wants you to. Why else would it have put you in each other’s paths?”
The whole conversation was hitting a little too close to home. “I, uh…maybe. I’ll, uh, definitely think about what you’ve said.” A change in topic was desperately required. “So, uh, how many children live here and at The Apex?”
“Seven,” Helen said.
“So many. Do they go to school, or—”
“School’s a brainwashing facility,” Nessa said as she walked back in. “All they do is teach to a test. They’re stifling creativity and individuality. Independent thought is ridiculed and loathed. And ninety percent of what they do teach is useless in the real world. I do not want my son to be a soulless zombie.”
“I hated school,” Britt said. “The kids were so mean. I used to cut myself every day after school because they were so cruel.”
“I had a horrible time in high school too,” I said. “I actually got spit on once.”
“See? There is nothing positive about the modern school system. We’ve let them ruin it, just like we’ve let them ruin everything else,” Nessa said.
“Who is ‘them’?” I asked.
“The government. Well, the corporations who own the government,” Nessa said, “and the media. We’re all just walking cash machines to them. They want us stupid. They want us in debt. I mean, debt is the new slavery. We’re slaves and we don’t even recognize it.”
Once again I didn’t disagree with the rhetoric. I’d worked for the government for over a decade. We once had a case shut down because of pressure from a senator. I almost quit on principle, but Luke talked me off the ledge. However, I did not agree with keeping kids out of school without proper homeschooling protocols in place like social functions and state-approved curriculum. I bet they hadn’t even registered the kids in the district. The county probably didn’t even know there were children there. That way the authorities wouldn’t investigate the group. The more official channels the members were in, the greater chance of scrutiny. I learned very young that the best way to be is invisible. You could do what you wanted, free of judgment and meddling. Pure freedom. I filed this new bit of intel away. I had no intention of doing anything that would potentially put the children in foster care, but the information was useful nonetheless. Any leverage was useful.
“Why do you ask?” Helen asked me.
I shrugged. “I don’t know. Just making conversation.”
“Or trying to change the topic away from Paul,” Britt said, inadvertently saving me.
I hung my head in “embarrassment” and all the others chuckled. “Can we please just make dinner?” I asked in a small voice.
So we did. As Helen showed me how to make lasagna, which proved easier than I imagined, the other two girls worked on the potatoes for potato salad and the pies for dessert. They chatted about the upcoming seminar Britt would lead and Nessa’s potential recruit from the drug rehab center where she worked in the kitchen, a handsome financial planner from Philadelphia. Apparently he was a wonderf
ul kisser and an even better lover. “I feel a real bond with him,” she said, still peeling potatoes. “Mathias was right. The guideposts are all there. He is the one from my dream, the one who’s going to give me my daughter. I really believe he is.”
“Have you gone off the pill?” Britt asked behind me.
“Two weeks ago, and I got my period right away. I’ve been drinking Ruth’s special tea too. Her mother swore by it and she had five kids,” Nessa said as I just kept layering the cheese with my mouth clamped shut.
“Do you think you’re pregnant already?” Britt asked.
“I could be, I don’t know. But soon. I keep having the dream, and Mathias swears he can sense my daughter’s energy growing stronger by the day.”
What do you want to bet if this guy were a poor student or something the guideposts would all read “Stop,” I thought as I sprinkled the cheese. But since we were on the subject of their fearless leader…“Is Mathias coming to dinner tonight?” I asked. “I’d love to finally meet him.”
“Unfortunately not,” Nessa said. “He’s busy with the harvest and helping Billy settle in.”
“Is Billy settling in all right?”
“Do you want him to be?” Helen asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Yes and no,” I said honestly. “I just can’t imagine Billy working the fields. He was a TV and video-game addict who never met a park bench he didn’t hate.” Helen’s eyes narrowed. “That’s what Gia said, anyway.” I could sense it. I’d stepped in it again, a quagmire of suspicion. If I could talk my way out of it, I would never bring up Billy again. I hung my head and frowned. “Right before she called me every name in the book for saying you guys were really nice and that I had every intention of coming back here. That’s why my mother said all those nasty things to me. They both called me stupid and a traitor. Gia stole two of my boyfriends in high school and I’m the traitor? And I’m not stupid. I’m not.”
“Of course you’re not,” Helen said, rubbing my arm again.
“Maybe…maybe Billy leaving is the universe’s way of getting her back for what she did to me in high school. I really loved Luke. I wanted to marry him, and she…” I hung my head. “I can make up my own mind about you all. And I like you.” I looked up at them. “I like you all. A lot.”
Darkness at the Edge of Town Page 13