My stomach clenched again. Not just because the bastard was using my husband in any way, shape, or form, but because he even knew about Hayden to say anything. Though his face was perfectly pleasant, I knew he was subtly letting me know my brother had talked about me enough to get a sense of my late husband. I wanted to punch the pleasantness off his face but kept my calm. He wanted me to lose my temper. Instead, I smiled back and said, “Thank you. We were.”
Mathias certainly had one of the best poker faces I’d ever encountered. He remained pleasant and nodded. “Onward and upward, then. To the barn.”
The red barn sat near the house and was just as tall. Like the house, it was in need of new paint and wood. A few panels of wood were disintegrating. As we stepped inside, I was actually concerned the roof would collapse on our heads. Even with both doors open the inside reeked of dung, hay, and pure animal essence. Two cows and a goat chewed on their meal of grass and hay in their pens, and the brown-and-white-spotted horse did the same across the row. The chicken coop took up most of the space. There had to be over thirty chickens cackling inside. City-girl me wanted to leave immediately.
“We only use the animals for what they freely give, of course. Milk and eggs mostly,” Mathias explained. “We’re vegetarians. I always felt it was wrong to slaughter helpless animals when there’s no need to. We’ve evolved since our caveman days, when we were nomads and had to hunt to survive. These are the universe’s creatures just as much as we are. Just because we have sentience doesn’t make us better than them.”
“After taking care of Mathilda and Gracie here, I will never be able to look at a hamburger again,” Billy said.
“You did stop eating pork for a year after you saw Babe,” I said.
“I’m just sad we’ll have to sell Moonbeam,” Billy said, staring at the horse.
“The lumber for the new dorm won’t pay for itself,” Mathias said before looking at me. “We found him roaming the property and no one claimed him.”
“Did the other livestock come with the land when you bought it?” I asked.
“Actually, one of our members inherited the place and is kind enough to allow us all to stay here,” Mathias said.
A plausible enough scenario. I’d have to check on that when I got back to town. So neither The Temple nor The Apex was in his name. Or he could have been lying. I had my money on a shell company. So much for skipping a visit to the tax office. “That is very nice of them. And it’s fifty acres, right?”
“Fifty-seven, but sadly we only use about fifteen. Plenty of room for growth, though,” Mathias said.
“And the way we’re growing, we’ll need all of those acres,” Billy said, pressing on Betsy’s stomach. “I mean just look what he’s accomplished in a little over a year.”
“We accomplished,” Mathias said. “I did nothing.”
“You brought together dozens of lost, hopeless, vulnerable people and got them to listen to your every word. That is not nothing,” I said with a smile, but my eyes gave away the real sentiment. They burrowed into Mathias’s.
His narrowed a little. “Speak the truth and people will listen.”
“Really? I’ve always found people listen to what they want to hear, and usually that’s the last thing but the truth.”
“Well, that’s your opinion,” Mathias said.
“Yeah, that’s just your opinion, Iris,” Billy chimed in.
“It was one of the first things I learned when I earned my doctorate in psychology, then again at the FBI Academy, so I and most others do consider myself something of an expert.”
“Perhaps I’m just willing to give people like your brother more credit than you are, Dr. Ballard,” Mathias said pleasantly.
Billy hung his head a little. Fuck. Another point to Mathias. I was getting too far behind in the game. “Maybe you’re right,” I said. “I was born a cynic.”
“No, it’s completely understandable. After what you’ve seen and gone through, all the ugliness is bound to have colored your view of humanity. And you actually sought out to confront that ugliness. Of course you’re going to be harsh, hard, and cold,” he said with that fucking smile still on. The urge to slap it off was almost overwhelming.
If Billy noticed his guru’s dig he didn’t let on. He hadn’t defended me once, but if I so much as squinted at Mathias he jumped right on me. That stung. “Well, it’s gotten me this far in life. It’s helped me save innocent people from psychopaths, charlatans, and all the others who prey on the vulnerable.”
“It can also make you unyielding, selfish, and under the assumption you’re always right. And that, in turn, often alienates those around you. How lonely you must be, Dr. Ballard,” he said sympathetically. “Helen said as much. Guess you didn’t lie about that as you did everything else.”
Billy hung his head lower, as if he were the one who committed the crime. Yeah, I was done with the pantomime. “Thank you so much for the tour,” I said with a sneer, “but I’d like to spend some time with my brother now. Alone.”
“That is, of course, up to Billy,” Mathias said with a chuckle. He touched Billy’s shoulder. “Son?”
I had to suppress a shiver with that last word. Billy glanced at us both. “It-it’s fine. She went to so much trouble…”
“That she did,” Mathias said. “I’ll be up at the house if you need me. Do come say goodbye before you leave, Dr. Ballard.”
“Oh, I will.” Mathias nodded and started toward the open barn door. Betsy didn’t follow him. Wonderful. I smiled at the Manson girl. “Uh, do you mind?” I asked as nicely as I could. “I really do need to speak to my brother alone.”
“Anything you have to say to me you can say in front of my wife, Iris,” Billy said harshly.
Another point for Mathias, and he didn’t even have to be there. The bastard was really pissing me off. “Fine.”
Billy led us to a picnic table under a tree near the barn where it was only ninety degrees instead of a hundred outside. Betsy remained super-glued to him as if she were hanging on to a cliff I was attempting to shove her off of. Guess that wasn’t too far from the truth. As I sat down on the bench, I noticed in my periphery a man leaning against the barn. I thought I’d caught him before when we were touring the crops. I glanced his way and saw it was Ken staring straight at us. He must have been following us the whole time. I desperately wished I’d kept my gun with that realization. So much for free rein of the place.
We three sat at the table in uncomfortable silence for a long few seconds, all of us unsure how to proceed. I wasn’t completely confident about his current head space, so I needed Billy to set the tone of the conversation. Billy’s mouth flopped open a few times, but nothing came out. “I, uh, I…” he chuckled nervously. “I…can’t believe you’re here. Last I heard you were on tour or something.”
“Well, I cut it short so I could come see you.”
“Why? I-I mean it’s very nice of you, but…why?”
“Why do you think, Billy? You vanished. No one knew where you were. If something happened to you. Mom was losing her mind.”
“So it’s a day that ends in ‘y,’ ” he said.
“Billy, you quit your job, left your fiancée, cleaned out your bank account, all with no warning. She was right to worry.”
“I left a note,” he said. “It explained everything. And it wasn’t out of the blue.”
“Tell that to Gia,” I said. “Your fiancée. Who is about to be thrown out of the home that you shared together for years because you took all her money. I spoke to her yesterday. Coming home to find her fiancé and money gone to parts unknown was out of the blue for her.”
Billy hung his head. “We’d been having problems for a while, Iris. And she knew I wanted to move here if I was ever invited. She made it clear she didn’t.” He glanced at Betsy, then turned back to meet my eyes. “I…Is she okay?”
“No, Billy, she’s not okay. She’s about to be homeless and is drinking a lot because the love of her li
fe left her penniless. And all of that was before I told her about Betsy and her condition.”
Billy’s mouth flopped open in shock, and Betsy hung her head. “Y-You told her?” Billy asked.
“Yeah. And Mom, so thanks for that.”
“I can’t believe you told them!”
“I can’t believe you didn’t. They had a right to know, Billy. You were with Gia for years. You almost had a child together. She was at a complete loss as to why you blew up your life together. You should have been the one to tell her.”
“I-I wanted to spare her feelings. After the miscarriage…” He glanced at Betsy again before continuing. “I didn’t plan any of this. I didn’t. I never wanted to hurt her. It’s just…this is where the universe wants me to be. Here. With Betsy.” He squeezed his wife’s hand.
I glanced at Betsy, then back to him. I had to say it. “Are you sure it was the universe that wanted you here and not someone on this earthly plane?”
“What…?” His face fell. “What are you insinuating, Iris?”
Plant the seeds, Iris. He may hate you, but keep planting. “Just that…you two slept together once? Twice maybe? And now she’s allegedly pregnant?” Betsy shrunk in on herself. “Have you seen any proof?”
“Iris, shut up,” Billy hissed. “Just shut up. You don’t…God, do you have to be such a cold, cynical bitch all the time?”
“Billy…”
He wrapped his arm around his wife. “Yes. I’ve seen proof, okay? Not that it’s any of your business, but I saw the test. And before you say anything else against my wife, she offered to show me before I asked, which I wasn’t going to. But if you knew her you’d know she would never, ever do anything like what you’re suggesting. She is the sweetest, kindest girl I’ve ever met.”
“You’re right, I don’t know her.” I looked at the teary-eyed Betsy, then back at Billy. “But I do know you, Billy. You are not the cheating type. You aren’t. You are the sweetest, kindest guy I’ve ever met. You’d rather cut off your own arm than hurt someone else, especially someone you love like Gia.”
“I never meant to hurt her, Iris,” he said. “It wasn’t planned. And how dare you of all people lecture me on cheating?”
“I’m not lecturing. I’m trying to tell you I of all people understand. When I strayed, it was because I was at one of the lowest points in my life. I was angry. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was vulnerable. And Luke made me feel desirable. Worthwhile. Like a goddess. He knew what I needed to hear at the time.”
“You make it sound like he took advantage of you,” Billy said.
That was the point. In actuality, I was the one who took advantage of Luke that night. He was the gentleman who tried to put on the brakes, but I kept my foot on the gas pedal. “I just know what it’s like to feel powerless, then have someone come in and make you feel powerful, desirable, heroic even, for their own purposes.”
“That’s not what…You need to stop talking about my wife like this, Iris,” he warned. “Apologize to her.”
He was a hairsbreadth from ending the conversation. I sensed it and knew I had to back off a little. I stared at the crying Betsy, who hadn’t said a word in her own defense, and frowned. “I’m sorry if I’ve been harsh, Betsy. I am.” I turned to Billy. “But if the tables were turned, if I suddenly left Hayden, took all our money, disappeared into a religious group, and got married after knowing someone for only a few months, you’d be concerned as well. Especially after all you’ve been through this year.”
“That’s in the past, Iris.”
“No, you want it to be in the past. Have you let yourself grieve? Have you dealt with your anger at Elliot for what he did?”
“Yes, I have,” he said.
“How? By blaming the universe? By convincing yourself it was part of your journey? Is that what you’re doing with your guilt about Gia? About losing the baby? ‘Oops, it’s just the universe. Not my fault.’ That’s just sweeping your emotions under the rug. Denying its existence and your part in it. It’s a cop-out.”
“It’s not a cop-out. It’s how the universe works. How things truly are. And why would I have guilt about losing the baby? I did everything I could.”
“I’m sure you did. I know it wasn’t your fault. But that doesn’t mean you do. Because how things truly are is that bad things happen to good people. That people can be stupid and selfish, some more than others. That we are our own worst enemies. We torture ourselves over things we can’t control to gain power over them. And when that doesn’t work out, doesn’t make us feel better, we turn to the other extreme. We hand over all our power to other people, to your universe, to my drugs and alcohol, so when shit inevitably goes down again, at least it’s not our fault. We shut off our brains, fall into a bottle, disappear onto a farm where people tell us what to eat, what to think, when to work, because God knows it’s easier than confronting ourselves and this scary, shitty world. Billy, I speak from two years of experience.”
The sides of my brother’s mouth twitched. “Is that what you think of me? That I’m weak? Stupid? That I’ve run away because I can’t deal with the real world? Like you did? Or maybe, just maybe, I’m stronger than you are, Iris. I’ve found purpose. Love. A family who doesn’t belittle me. Siblings who actually care about me, who will actually be there for me when I need them. Twenty years, Iris. Twenty years with the odd phone call or email. You left me to take care of Mom. To suffer through years in that town as the bastard. The brother of the hotshot FBI agent who could never quite measure up to his sibling, even to our grandparents.”
“I can’t change the past, Billy. I can’t. But I’m here now.”
“Yeah, you’re here to insult me. To insult my wife. To lie to my new friends. Manipulate them. You made Helen cry, Iris. Paul’s barely said a word to anyone since last night. You-You threatened Mathias.”
“Because it was the only way I could find you, to see you. To make sure they hadn’t just stolen your money and buried you in the backyard.”
“Because that’s all they could ever want from me. They couldn’t possibly just like me for me. I guess that would be hard for you to imagine. How many friends do you have, Iris? Who loves you? The Ice Queen? Not even Mom can stand you.” That one stung. He sat up straight. “I think you’re just jealous. I’m happy. I’m married. I have a baby on the way. I’m surrounded by people who love me. I’m out there helping the world be a better place without having to shoot people to do it. You may have money now, you may be on TV and flying around the world, but who do you have when you go home to an empty house? You just can’t stand the fact that for once I’m ahead of you where it matters. I’m loved. I didn’t become a pill-head alcoholic when my life got tough. I turned my pain into something good and useful. I’ve proved I’m stronger than you. And it kills you.” He rose from the table hand-in-hand with Betsy.
As they began walking away, I realized I couldn’t let him leave like that. Not just because I needed to convince him of the danger—but because I’d had no idea just how deep his anger and resentment ran. If this were the only chance to talk to him, I couldn’t leave things that way.
“You’re right,” I called to him. Both turned around. “Billy, you’re right. I’ve always been jealous of you. I’ve always been jealous of how kind you are at your very core. How you could see the good in almost anything and anyone. How Mom loved you best. How people just like you. But that has nothing to do with this. I am not lying to hurt you. I don’t ever, ever want to hurt you. Never have. Never will. I love you. Just because I haven’t been around doesn’t change that. I’m still the same sister who beat up anyone who tried to hurt you. Who did her best to shield you from Mom’s dysfunction. From the assholes around town and in high school. And you’re right. I am a cold, cynical bitch, and maybe I’m wrong about this place and what it’s doing to you. But, Billy, what if I’m not?
“You’re a smart guy. Far smarter than you’ve ever given yourself credit for. Since you’ve been part of this
group you’ve cheated on the woman you love. You’ve left her penniless. You’ve blackmailed your friend Kevin. You’ve disappeared without telling the people who raised you where you were going because you know you were afraid of this very thing. Our grandparents. Mom. Khairo. Gia. Kevin. Me. Everyone you were once close to, who loves you, is telling you something is wrong here. Listen to me, Billy. Something is wrong here. These people have isolated you. They have turned you against the people you love. They have taken all your money. You are living in a tent, working fields for no pay. You have dropped out of your whole life because a man who you know nothing about told you to. And in the short time I’ve been around your new family I have seen nothing but red flags. So many I came here without backup, against my better judgment, just so I could make sure you were alive, because the more I learned and the more I saw, it became a real possibility that you weren’t. And Billy, I have no horse in this race. I have no real reason to lie to you. I don’t.
“I want you to be happy, Billy. You deserve to be happy. But you’ve stumbled into quicksand, and it’s sucking you down so slowly you won’t realize you’re in it until you’re choking. And you are about to choke.” I rose from the picnic table. “Please just think about what I’ve said. Really think about it, even if it hurts. And know…I’m here. For you. To pull you out.” I walked over to my brother and kissed his cheek. He was stone still, but he let me. I looked at Betsy. “I hope I’m wrong about you, I do, but even if I’m not, the rope’s there for you too. And the baby.”
I smiled sadly at Billy, who remained stone-faced. “I love you. I am here for you. No matter what you say, no matter what you do, I am here for you. Be strong. I know you can be. I have faith in you. I love you.” And after another sad smile, I walked away.
That could have gone better, I thought as I trekked back toward the farmhouse. Okay, a small part of me thought he’d be leaving with me. I’d lay out my evidence, he’d see reason, and we’d drive home to massive fanfare. Situations like that reminded me why I kept my optimism walled away like something out of a Poe tale. I glanced back on the off chance he followed, but it wasn’t Billy trailing me, it was Ken. Oh, I really wished I’d kept my gun.
Darkness at the Edge of Town Page 20