Silver Clouds

by Fleur McDonald

  ‘Hello everyone,’ Tessa whispered, her hands pushed against the window. ‘I’m home.’

  Harrison landed the plane smoothly just as the sun was about to disappear. It was the time Spider had called ‘bank review hour’, when the station looked its best. ‘Show them around at dusk and they’ll lend you the extra money you need,’ her aunt had always joked. At this time of day, when the sun slowly slipped to the edge of the world, the golden rays reflected off the sheds, ground and plants and seem to hang in the air. It displaced the harshness of the land. Then the colour of the surrounding country turned deeper and the air grew still, so that even the hardest souls fell in love with the place.

  For a moment Tessa wondered why she’d ever left. But then images of Kendra flashed through her mind.

  The plane had come to a stop and Paul, Peggy and Ryan ran over to meet them.

  ‘Darling!’ Peggy held out her arms as Tessa clambered from the plane.

  ‘Mum! Dad!’ She raced for the comfort of their hugs and fell onto them. She felt her dad kiss her head and inhaled the smell of her mum, which, as ever, was of eucalyptus and earth.

  ‘Hey! What about me?’ Ryan pushed his way in and she turned into his embrace. ‘Good to see you, kiddo. Marni isn’t well, otherwise she would have been here, too.’

  Surprised, but not really, by another sting of tears, Tessa tried to laugh. ‘Enough with the kiddo bit! I’m a fully grown adult!’

  ‘Man, listen to your accent. You sound English. Are you putting that on just for us?’ Ryan teased.

  ‘No! No, I’m not. It’s just the way I talk.’

  ‘Well, you sound like you should be dining with the Queen rather than hanging around a bunch of bushies in the middle of nowhere.’

  Regret shot through her when she heard the phrase Ryan used. Had Harrison called ahead and told him what she’d said? She hoped not. She glanced over at him, but his face was set like stone. She didn’t really remember him that well. He seemed grim and distant, a stranger. His daughter seemed nice enough, though. She smiled a lot. Harrison didn’t. She remembered his wife had died when Cally was young, so maybe he was bitter and twisted. Shame really, she thought. And what was with the glittery hat!

  She turned her attention back to Ryan. ‘Well, the Queen was all booked up this evening, so you lot will just have to do.’ Looking down the strip she noticed that her aunt’s bicycle wasn’t leaning against the fence post and the full ache she’d experienced in London flared as Violet’s death hit her once more. Being here made it inescapable. Spider wasn’t around anymore.

  ‘It’s really true, then?’ she asked, staring at the empty spot. ‘She’s gone?’

  Her father gripped her hands. ‘She’s gone. But she hasn’t, really. She’ll be up in the gum trees keeping an eye on us. Heaven forbid if we do something wrong. She’ll probably come to haunt us!’ He gave a small, sad smile. ‘I’m sure she knew you’d come home.’

  Tessa stood silently, looking into her father’s face, searching for his meaning.

  He just nodded. ‘It’s good to see you here.’

  ‘Come on,’ Peggy urged. ‘Let’s get you back to the house and settled in. You’ve been travelling for nearly two days. You must be exhausted! Come on, Cally, you too. I bet you’re tired after your exciting day in Kalgoorlie.’ She swung her arms around the two girls and helped them into the four-wheel-drive.

  When the men had loaded the luggage and supplies into the back of the old Toyota the procession slowly set off through the balmy evening air.

  To Tessa, it seemed that Danjar Plains hadn’t changed in the whole time she had been gone. The winding track to the homestead was still bumpy. The mallee trees still looked silver in the half-light, their spindly branches stark against the darkening sky. Spinifex lined the ground, and dust hung in the air behind the vehicles.

  They passed the small family cemetery and Tessa spotted the freshly dug grave and the backhoe parked discreetly behind some bushes. She quickly closed her eyes and counted slowly to twenty. It should be a safe distance behind her now.

  Peggy tooted the horn as they passed Ryan and Marni’s donga. Tessa waved in case her sister-in-law was looking out of the window.

  When her old home came into sight her lips formed a smile. How Peggy managed to keep the garden so lush Tessa had no idea. Drifts of pink geraniums were visible, despite the evening gloom, and the lawn looked like an English meadow. The weatherboard house looked much the same but had aged. The corrugated tin was lifting slightly at the edges and the outside needed a paint.

  Still, it was home.

  ‘Wow, Mum! Everything looks fantastic!’

  Peggy leaned over and patted her knee. ‘It’s so good to have you here, love.’

  For the first time in many months, Tessa ate steak and salad. As insects committed suicide on the gas light, she laughed with her family and told stories about things that had happened in London. She didn’t mention recent events, and stopped herself when her hand strayed to her phone to check her emails or Facebook.

  The wine and beer flowed freely. Tessa wouldn’t have to hide her drinking tonight, at least. She could just let her hair down and be free. It was a good feeling.

  But there was an empty chair at the table and every time the door opened, she looked for Aunty Spider. Somehow none of the stories Tessa told felt quite complete without her aunt’s probing questions or funny one-liners. Spider always seemed to get more information than Tessa ever planned to give. In which case, perhaps it was a good thing she wasn’t there this time.

  The wine also helped dampen the fear Tessa felt every time she looked towards the house paddock and windmill and remembered the last time she’d seen her friend Kendra.

  Gradually, one by one, the family and guests headed off to bed until there was only Peggy and Tessa left. ‘So how are you really, darling?’ Peggy asked. ‘It sounds like things are just wonderful over there.’

  ‘Everything is fine, Mum,’ Tessa lied. ‘I’m happy and have made so many friends. Work is challenging. It tests me to my limits, but I like that. It’s good to keep busy.’ She fiddled with her shorts and then looked up in time to see a concerned look flash across Peggy’s face.

  ‘Yeah,’ Peggy said quietly. ‘Keeping busy helps keep the memories at bay.’ She reached across the table and took Tessa’s hand. ‘When do you have to go back?’

  ‘Um, Darcy said I could have as long as I needed.’ Even though there had barely been any time to digest Darcy’s email, the embarrassment of telling her parents was right up there with letting Aunty Spider down. She’d hoped it wouldn’t come up so soon, because she really hadn’t given any thought to what she would say, or what excuses she would give. It was obvious she couldn’t stay here indefinitely, but unfortunately there was nowhere else to go.

  ‘Well,’ her mother said, rising. ‘It will be lovely to have you for as long as we can.’ She yawned. ‘I’d better go to bed. Such a lot to do tomorrow.’

  ‘What time will everyone be arriving on Saturday?’

  ‘Oh, you know what they’re like. Some will turn up first thing to help; some will come just in time for the service. Ryan and Dad dug the grave this morning – you would’ve seen that coming in – so, really, other than cooking and setting up the chairs for afterwards, there isn’t much else to do.’

  Tessa smiled sadly. ‘Did you have to get permission to bury her out here?’

  Peggy let out a small laugh. ‘It was all done. Spider had organised everything. As you’d expect. She left a letter. Would you like to read it?’

  ‘Her will?’

  ‘No, just telling us what she thought about us and what she’d organised.’

  ‘What did she say about me?’

  ‘Here, you read it.’ Peggy fished around in her pocket and handed it to her. ‘I thought you’d want to see it.’

  With unsteady hands, Tessa unfolded the piece of paper which held Spider’s last words to them all.

  ‘My Dear Paul and Peggy,
>
  Firstly, if you are reading this, I’m dead. Ha! I’ve always wanted say that. It really goes without saying, doesn’t it?

  I have made arrangements to be buried in the cemetery next to William’s memorial. It’s where I want to be. It has taken some organising, but there is nothing for you to do other than look after the service. All the necessary documents are included in here. I know that Doctor Mike will sign off on the death certificate without any concerns. He told me last time the Flying Doctor ran a clinic that I was a ticking time-bomb. My heart is nothing but a leaky old valve.

  Still I won’t be upset when I do go. I’m tired. Ninety-two (or whatever I am when I go) isn’t a bad knock.

  I’m not one for sentiment but I have to say this:

  Paul, I’m proud of you. You’ve always been more like the son I never had, rather than my nephew. I don’t think I’ve ever told you I love you, so I am doing it now.

  Peggy, you’re a fine wife and mother. Thank you for never making this grumpy old woman, who wasn’t even your blood relative, feel like she wasn’t welcome in your home.

  Danjar Plains is in good hands with you at the helm, Paul, and Ryan next in line. Don’t stay too long, though. Ryan and Marni won’t thank you, if you do.

  Keep a close eye on Tessa. She still hasn’t completely healed.

  My love to you all,

  Violet

  Tessa closed her eyes. Not healed yet, she thought. She shook her head before resting it on the back of the chair. She knew, as she always did.

  ‘It doesn’t seem quite real yet.’

  ‘No, it doesn’t. I’m sure she’s just having a holiday and will pop over in the morning,’ Peggy agreed.

  ‘Ah, I’m so tired,’ she said, handing the letter back.

  ‘Come on, to bed with you. You’re in your old room.’ Peggy started to clear the table. ‘Turn off the gas light, can you? You’re not sleeping here!’

  ‘I know, I know. It’s comfortable, though.’

  ‘Bed will be better.’

  ‘Mum?’

  ‘Hmm?’

  ‘Where is she?’

  ‘In the cool room, love. It was the only place to keep her cold.’

  Tessa’s mouth reacted before her brain. ‘What! Why? Ohh. Don’t worry.’ She held up her hand to ward off the thoughts of decomposing and heat. ‘Can I see her?’

  ‘Oh, petal, do you want to?’ Concern again crossed Peggy’s face as she looked at her daughter.

  ‘Yes. Um, I think so,’ Tessa answered slowly. ‘She hasn’t, um, you know?’

  ‘No. She was in the cool room within hours of it happening. She looks just like Spider. The minister will take you if you want. Or you can go by yourself.’

  Tessa watched her mother walk inside then heaved herself off the chair, collected the last of the plates and turned off the gas light. As she heard the soft pop of the gas going out, she stood and stared. Life was just like the gas. One second it was throwing light to the darkest corners, keeping people comfortable and showing the way, and the next, there was nothing but darkness.

  A heartbeat, then nothing more.

  Gone.

  Finished.

  Dead.

  In the flash of a second.

  Chapter 7

  Pastor Allan took Tessa’s arm gently and led her away from the coffin in the cool room. He offered her tissues that seemed to appear endlessly from his pockets and patted her shoulder until her sobbing subsided. Tessa felt like every pent-up emotion from everything she’d ever done wrong was flowing from her. Kendra, her guilt at not answering Spider’s letters, her excessive drinking and its latest consequences. Was there anything good left? If so, she couldn’t think of one damn thing. She had stuffed up her whole life.

  ‘It’s okay to let it all out,’ Pastor Allan said, although his voice was barely audible above her cries.

  Tessa just shook her head and tried to control herself. ‘You don’t understand . . .’ She gulped.

  ‘Maybe not, but I can try if you tell me.’ Allan looked around for somewhere to sit. As he swung his leg over the motorbike Tessa smiled through her tears.

  ‘I can’t. I don’t know. It’s all mixed up.’

  The silence stretched, only broken by the scratch of birds’ feet on the tin roof of the workshop. Tessa felt a need to fill it, but she just couldn’t find the words.

  ‘Do you see dead bodies all the time?’ she finally asked, wiping her eyes.

  ‘Well, it depends on whether the family want to have a viewing. I always choose to be in the room, because people have different reactions. Disbelief, anger, shock, guilt. Sadness, obviously. When someone sees their loved one lying in a coffin, it’s confronting and final. They understand there isn’t any turning back. Someone who’s always been around has really gone. It’s always different when an older person dies compared to a young person because it’s the end of a long life. Most emotions then are just a sense of loss and sadness, but an underlying peace with the death because it’s a natural part of the cycle. The difficult viewings are suicides, accidental and illness-related deaths. People taken young.’

  Tessa nodded, understanding. She closed her eyes and leaned against the dusty, corrugated iron wall. She felt exhausted.

  ‘Do you feel any of those things, Tessa?’

  ‘Oh, just about every single one of them.’

  ‘But they’re not just related to Violet, are they?’

  Tessa’s eyes flew open. Allan was looking not at her but out of the shed towards the horizon, in the direction of the windmill in the house paddock.

  Tears sprang to Tessa’s eyes but she just couldn’t bring herself to unburden herself to anyone. ‘No, it’s not, but I’m not going there. I can’t go there. I know it was a long time ago, but if I let myself think about it, I can’t get away.’

  Pastor Allan made calming gestures with his hands. ‘It’s okay, Tessa. It was just a question. I’m sorry I brought it up. It was such a long time ago . . . It was thoughtless of me. Especially today.’

  ‘I’ve got to go,’ said Tessa turning and walking out of the shed.

  The driveway into Danjar Plains was eight kilometres long and visitors could be heard and seen long before they arrived. Now, watching from the back door of the shearing shed, Tessa saw six separate plumes of dust move towards the house. There weren’t only cars, either. Since early morning she’d heard the buzz of planes overhead – most stations owned light aircraft to cover long distances. At last count there were eight Cessnas all parked at one end of the airstrip.

  Already, the heat of the day was beginning to make itself felt. The ten o’clock service wasn’t really convenient for people who had to travel a long way, but it was better than standing in forty degree heat in the afternoon.

  Allan’s quiet questioning had left Tessa shattered, and she had retreated to the shearing shed, unable to face anyone. As she sipped from one of the duty-free bottles of vodka she’d brought in her suitcase she wondered who was in the cars and what relation they were to Aunty Spider. Perhaps Elsie was in one. Tessa had no idea what she would say to the old woman today. Like Spider, Elsie seemed to have an uncanny knack of seeing right through her.

  Even though she knew she’d had to come home, Tessa wished she wasn’t here at all. She ran her hands along the shed’s worn wooden struts. Goosebumps broke out on her arms and, despite the temperature, she felt cold. ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered, turning to face the empty shed. ‘I’m sorry I let you down.’

  She saw a bin half-full of merino fleeces, and walked towards it, the bottle swinging from her fingers. Sinking onto her knees, she buried her hands deep within and felt the soft and grainy texture against her skin.

  It brought back a memory: Aunty Spider’s hands guiding hers around the edge of the fleece. No, like this. See the sweat stains here, the dark oily bits where all the burrs are? Take them. That’s right. Pull gently but don’t take too much.

  Violet’s voice seemed so real, Tessa felt she should answ
er her.

  ‘Tessa?’ Ryan’s call made her jump. She looked around to see where he was, then grabbed the bottle beside her and pushed it deep into the wool.

  ‘Yes?’ she called back, pulling the wool back into place. She stood up and dusted off her hands.

  Her brother came into view. He was dressed in good pants and an open-neck shirt. Tessa immediately felt overdressed in her black sheath dress and high heels. The Nullarbor was casual, even when being respectful. She wished she’d remembered that.

  ‘There you are! You hiding? Come on. It’s time. We need to go.’

  ‘Yes, of course. Sorry. I was just, um,’ she looked around and gestured to the shed, ‘revisiting, I guess.’

  Ryan stopped and shrugged. ‘All the same to me. But it’s been such a long time since you were home. All seems new again, does it?’

  ‘Not new – familiar. Comforting even. But chock-a-block full of memories.’

  ‘Now, Tessa, today is not the day to reminisce. It’ll be emotional enough.’ Ryan was firm and Tessa noticed he swallowed hard.

  ‘Maybe take your own advice.’ She smiled.

  ‘Maybe I should. Come on, kid sister. Let’s go.’

  Ryan held out his hand and pulled her up from the wool before he strode out of the shed purposefully. Tessa followed.

  Pastor Allan had finished his address and Paul had read the eulogy, the emotion plain in his voice. Now the men were slowly lowering Aunty Spider into the ground. Tessa couldn’t watch. Instead, she gazed into the distance. The land was flat and the view of the horizon only interrupted by drab, grey bushes and thin-trunked mallee trees.

  Nearby, a large wooden cross stood at the head of William’s memorial and the gum tree that Violet had planted in his honour stood tall and leafy, casting a cool shadow over the grave. Nothing had changed much in this timeless family cemetery. Tessa could remember helping her dad make a wooden seat for Aunty Spider to sit on when she came to talk to William, her dead husband, something she’d done most days. Tessa imagined Spider was now sitting there watching the crowd and making her witty, wicked remarks.