by Kris Jacen
“Say we can go out sometime?”
“I don’t know,” Matthew said, his voice as uncertain as his mind was confused. “I just got out of a bad relationship and…”
“Enough said,” Duncan said with a smile. “Just my luck. Meet an incredible, smart, funny, sexy guy and he’s not available.”
“Yes.” Matthew wasn’t sure if it was his own voice or the look of surprise on Duncan’s face that made his jump slightly. “I’ll go out with you sometime.”
“Well, whadda ya know? Looks like my luck is changing.”
Not as much as mine, Matthew thought and returned his attention to the book in front of him.
DAY THIRTY
Matthew took his usual spot on the floor, after having arrived early, which had become his habit over the past two weeks. It was another Saturday, so Matthew was relieved that it would not be a terribly strenuous day at the studio. It would be mainly stretching and some yoga moves with a warm up and a cool down bookending the afternoon session. There had been so many things going on in Matthew’s life lately that he still found himself standing in one spot sometimes during the day trying to let it all catch up to him. He would be sitting at his computer, flush with new ideas and new scenes to write, but his fingers would stop dead on the keyboard while his mind replayed the moments he’d been sharing with Duncan.
There had been several dinners, walks along the beach, a couple of movies and even some heated sessions during which the television was forgotten and provided nothing more than background noise for the frenzied groping and marathon kissing sessions on Matthew’s living room floor. Most of their clothes would be discarded and there was definite interest on Matthew’s part, but Duncan had always slowed them down by pulling away. And, if he were honest with himself, Matthew was always thankful; if it had been up to Matthew, he would have gone full speed ahead, as usual.
At first, Matthew had been confused. He thought maybe Duncan was having second thoughts, but then would be so complimentary about the beautiful body that Matthew was developing. And then there was the kissing, and the way Duncan would settle Matthew against his chest while they watched a movie or while they just listened to music. Duncan had come on so strong at first that Matthew was sure that they would have done everything by now, and he was sure they would have if he’d not been awake when Duncan had actually believed him to be sleeping.
Duncan lay in the corner of the sectional, with Matthew in his usual spot between the muscular thighs, his back resting against the warm solid mass that was Duncan’s chest. He’d almost fallen asleep as they lay listening to one of Duncan’s favorite jazz CDs, but was pulled out of his stupor by the soft kisses that Duncan placed on the top of his head. As he felt the strong fingers comb through his thick, blond hair, Matthew heard a sigh of contentment that he’d only ever heard once before. It was the sigh he’d made himself— almost fifteen years ago— when he finally realized that he had fallen in love.
“Hey you.”
The words pulled Matthew back to the present. He looked up as he heard the raspy whisper near his ear. He’d been lost in his own thoughts and remembered wondering where Duncan had been when he’d first arrived. “Hey yourself,” he said, his lips curling into a slow smile.
“What were you thinking about?”
“I’ll tell you later.”
“Deal,” Duncan said and sat down on the floor across from Matthew. “Do you have any plans for tomorrow?”
“Not really,” Matthew answered as he continued to try to work out the kink in his lower back that had been bothering him after a morning of sitting at his computer. “Probably more writing. Why?”
“Was wondering if you wanted to spend the night at my place.”
He noticed that Duncan was only sort of looking at him, as if he were one of those magic paintings that hide an image that you can see if you don’t focus your eyes too intently. Was Duncan embarrassed? Or did he honestly think that Matthew would turn him down? Matthew had been acutely aware that neither of them had spent the night with the other.
“I hope you know you won’t be getting any sleep.” He saw the relieved smile on Duncan’s handsome face and reached out to push against the solid shoulders. He laughed as Duncan feigned an exaggerated roll backwards, as if his own strength was no match for Matthew’s.
“‘S okay,” Duncan shrugged as he righted himself. “I’ll be tired, but still smiling.”
“I’ll make sure of that.”
Duncan opened his mouth to respond, but Emma and a few of the other participants entered the studio at that moment. Duncan offered a quick wink and then was gone to greet the other members of the test group, leaving Matthew sitting on the hardwood floor thinking of anything that would curb his excitement and allow him to stand up without embarrassing himself.
* * * *
Matthew’s stomach had been in knots for the entire drive back to Duncan’s home, but as they walked through the front door, he began to feel the usual untroubled peacefulness that he had begun to associate with Duncan, and he found himself relaxing. “I always forget how quiet it is here,” Matthew said as he hefted his duffle bag from his right to his left hand.
“Thanks.” Duncan stood in front of him. “Let me take that for you,” he said as he leaned down briefly for a tender kiss and then took the duffle bag and placed it near the stairs. “Would you like dinner?”
“Sure,” Matthew said as he shrugged. “Now is fine, or later. I’ll let you decide.”
“Later, definitely,” Duncan said with a lopsided smile and held out his hand. “I have something I want to show you.” Matthew put his hand in Duncan’s and followed him to a smaller room on the other side of the stairs; Matthew had noticed the room the few times he’d been over, but the door had always been closed. The room was obviously a study of some sort. There were even more books in here than on either side of the fireplace. Matthew’s eyes widened as he tried to take in all of the floor-to-ceiling shelves that were stuffed with books of all kinds. There were books on history, art, construction, computers and, of course, fitness.
“I may never leave this room. I’ve never seen so many…” Matthew said as he let go of Duncan’s hand and found himself drawn to one particular shelf. He reached out a hand and pulled one of the paperbacks from its position in the center of the shelf. He felt Duncan move to stand behind him as he turned the book over in his hands. It was his latest collection of short stories, published only four months before. His eyes returned to the shelf to see all of his works right there, on the same shelf.
“I really like your style,” Duncan said as he put his hands on Matthew’s shoulders and steered him back to the desk near the window. “But that’s not what I wanted to show you.” Duncan picked up a well-worn, dog-eared paperback from beside the laptop computer and held it out to Matthew. “This is what I wanted to show you.”
Matthew took the book and studied it. “It’s my first novel, Slowly Again.”
“I know.” Duncan turned himself around so that he could lean against the mahogany desk and be face-to-face with Matthew. “Do you believe in fate?”
“I believe in everything.” Matthew closed the book, but kept it in his hands as he felt Duncan draw him closer. “I’m a writer.”
“I know that, too.” Duncan pulled Matthew even closer and wrapped his arms around the slimmed-down waist. “You’ve made really good progress in the last thirty days.”
“Thank you,” Matthew said as he felt the heat rise in his cheeks. “I can’t cheat or get away with slacking.” Matthew leaned against the solid muscles of Duncan’s chest and stole a quick kiss. “The instructor is always watching me for some reason.” He watched Duncan’s gaze fall to his lips, could feel the heat of Duncan’s erection through two layers of jeans, and felt his eyes flutter shut when their lips made contact again.
Without letting go of the book, Matthew pressed himself against Duncan’s considerable erection and let his free hand travel over the tense muscles of shoul
der, bicep, traps and lats. The strong, capable hands that had touched him often during the time they’d been seeing each other seemed different to Matthew. There was something familiar yet new, confident yet hesitant about the way Duncan was holding him, kissing him, petting him.
“I, uh…”
Matthew heard the sounds and opened his eyes reluctantly, the taste of Duncan still on his lips. He looked into Duncan’s blue eyes while he waited.
“I wanted to show you that copy because…” Duncan took the book from Matthew’s hand and held it between them. After a few seconds, he saw Duncan shrug and look down at the book. “Well, you saved my life.”
Matthew wasn’t sure if he’d heard the words correctly, or perhaps it was just the order of the words that had him momentarily confused. “Me?”
“Yes,” Duncan said as a small laugh of disbelief escaped his lips. “You.”
“How did I save your life? We only met a couple of weeks ago.”
Without letting go of the book or Matthew, Duncan maneuvered them over to the small plaid love seat that sat under the picture window of the study. He relinquished his grip on Matthew and the two of them sat facing each other. “I’ll give you the short version,” Duncan quipped as he opened the book to the first of the many dog-eared pages, the one with the dedication. “I enlisted when I was sixteen because I was flunking out of school and the Marines seemed my only hope. It was the early nineties and it was either drugs or the Marines.”
Matthew wanted to open his mouth and say something, but he kept himself in check while he waited for Duncan to finish his story. How had he never known about any of this? How had none of this come up in their conversations before?
“My mother had died and my father was never around. They’d divorced when I was only five years old and he remarried almost right away.” Duncan shook his head as if he were trying to get himself back to the version he’d wanted to tell. “Anyway, I ended up joining the Marines, seeing combat a few times. I thought I could do it, but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t kill people.” Duncan’s grasp on the book seemed to tighten and Matthew was about to explain that Duncan didn’t need to relive all of this just for his sake. But then Duncan cleared his throat and began again. “When I got out, I didn’t know what to do, so I got a job as a carpenter.”
Matthew looked around the room, following Duncan’s eyes; it was obvious to Matthew that Duncan took a great deal of pride in his craftsmanship. He wanted to say something about how beautiful all of the woodwork was, but decided it was best to keep quiet.
“I was happy for a while, took a lot of pride in building beautiful things for other people, but there was something missing. It took me a long time to figure out what was missing: I wasn’t building anything that I could hold onto. Everything I built was for someone else. I was feeling really lost until one day I was doing some work for this gay couple down the street from where I was living.” Duncan held up the book. “I heard one of the men talking about this phenomenal book about a grunt who was wrestling with figuring out he was gay.” Duncan caressed the cover of the book. “I never had a problem with being gay, but the way this man talked about the book made me think that there might be something worth reading inside.”
Unable to control himself any longer, Matthew reached out and took hold of Duncan’s strong hand, turning it over and caressing the calluses that dotted the fingers and palm.
“I stayed up all night reading it.” Duncan let go of a muted snort. “I had no idea that it would have such graphic sex scenes, but even they were telling me the same thing as the rest of the story.” Duncan shrugged once and lowered his eyes. “I spent most of the next couple of weeks reading the book over and over. There was just something so powerful in your words, something that made me want to be like the soldier in the story. I wanted to be like him, go after what I wanted like he did. I’d close my eyes sometimes and see what my life could be like.”
Matthew was struck dumb; he’d never heard Duncan speak like this. They’d only been seeing each for two weeks or so, but it was still something of a shock to realize how reserved and shy Duncan really was. He wondered if this was the way all marines were, stoic and strong and silent. “Thank you just doesn’t seem to be enough right now,” Matthew said, laughing, as he reached out for Duncan’s hands. “That’s the best thing anyone has ever said about my book.” He leaned across the small space that separated them and placed a long, gentle kiss on Duncan’s lips. “I think that’s the most you’ve ever told me about yourself.”
“Yeah,” Duncan said with another shrug. “It’s a Marine thing.” Duncan leaned forward over the small space that separated them and kissed Matthew, passionately. Matthew’s eyes fluttered open when he felt the cool air caress his swollen lips. Duncan brought his hand up slowly to cup Matthew’s jaw. “We don’t say much, but when we do, we mean it.” Duncan looked down as he took Matthew’s hand in his. He kissed the sensitive palm first before placing the hand on his thigh, leaning forward to take Matthew’s swollen lips in a searing kiss.
Matthew’s eyes closed, his body feeling as if it were on fire with the feel and taste of Duncan’s desire for him. Matthew’s hands seemed to move as if they had a mind of their own, pulling at Duncan’s shirt. Soon, they were both free of their shirts, the heated skin of Matthew’s torso yearning for the excited and gentle touch of Duncan’s skilled hands.
Matthew didn’t know what Duncan wanted, but he knew what he’d been dreaming of doing to that incredible body since he’d first seen it almost a month ago. He pushed gently on the broad muscled shoulders until he hovered over the blue eyes filled with want. Without saying anything, Matthew lowered his lips to Duncan’s, one arm braced beside the handsome face while the other worked efficiently to undo the buttons of their Levi’s.
After a few frantic moments, during which Matthew wondered if he even remembered how to undo a button, he felt Duncan’s hand come up to steady his, their lips still tasting, exploring and claiming. And as their erections sprang free of the confines of jeans and boxers, Matthew was quite convinced that he would never experience anything quite so exquisite again. His senses were all on overdrive: the scent of Duncan’s cologne mixed with something uniquely Duncan; the taste of Duncan’s mouth and skin; the sight of the beautiful blue eyes filled with desire; the sound of his bass voice, purring and encouraging. And that first touch of skin to skin, that first, seemingly interminable moment, when he could feel the excitement he was causing in this other man’s body.
Free of their clothes, Matthew found himself on his back know, not really knowing when they had changed positions. Duncan’s muscled thighs were between his, their erections leaking and pressing while the two men found a rhythm. As Duncan’s mouth moved between his lips and his ears, between tasting and whispering, Matthew felt himself letting go of his final reserves of control. He took both of their cocks into one of his hands, the rhythm purposeful but unhurried. He pulled his knees up closer to his own chest, an open invitation to Duncan. I’m yours, all yours. There’ll never be any other for me.
But Duncan did nothing more than he was already doing; he kissed any skin he could reach, explored Matthew’s willing body with his strong hands and whispered words into Matthew’s ear. They were the words that Matthew had always wanted to hear from someone as kind, as sexy and as attentive as Duncan; the words that sent Matthew over the edge and into a euphoria he’d often written about but never experienced.
As he felt his body come down from the most powerful climax he’d ever experienced, Matthew opened his eyes to see that Duncan’s were closed. Matthew felt Duncan’s heat on his belly seconds later and then felt the cool air lick at his sensitive skin moments after that. Matthew might have panicked, but he heard the water running and just knew that Duncan was the kind of lover who would be getting something to clean them.
He felt the warm washcloth and looked up at the handsome face; Duncan was smiling at him. It was the kind of smile that Matthew knew was on his own face a
s well.
When Duncan had finished wiping Matthew’s belly and chest, he sat down on the loveseat and cleared his throat. “I know it may seem sudden, but…I love you, Matthew.”
For the first time in as long as he could remember, Matthew wasn’t the first to say it. Nor did Matthew convince himself that he believed them; he didn’t have to. Everything Matthew needed to know about Duncan was right there behind those blue eyes. “I love you, too, Duncan.” Without really knowing why, Matthew found himself unable to suppress a giggle.
“What’s funny?” Duncan asked as he stretched his long body beside Matthew’s.
“Me…You…This.” Matthew shook his head, worried momentarily that he had hurt Duncan’s feelings. Matthew shook his head in disbelief, remembering the notebook he had purchased to do some writing. He’d hoped to figure out how his life had gone so far from what he thought it should be. He picked up the book from the coffee table. “Who would have ever thought that this book would lead us both to what we wanted?” Matthew squeezed Duncan’s hand. “And your program?” Matthew let go of a one-note laugh and shook his head, again. “You promised a different me in 90 days, and you managed to do it only thirty.”
“I am good, huh?” Duncan offered a wink. “There’s a quote that I read a long time ago.” Duncan cleared his throat. “The message was that the difficult times in life can be endured as long as we realize that our lives hold purpose…that we have a cause to pursue or a goal to achieve…or a person to love.”
“Did I write that?” Matthew said, his tone teasing. “I am good.”
Duncan’s booming bass laughter filled the small study. “I don’t know if you did or not, but you’re definitely the reason my life has purpose…Well, one of the most important reasons anyway.”
“Good enough for me,” Matthew said and stole another kiss. “Now,” he said after a few moments. He stood up and held out his hand. He watched Duncan raise himself off the love seat, Matthew trying to achieve the simultaneous look of pending mischief and wonton lust. As he led Duncan to the stairs— and the bedroom— he wrapped his arm around the trim waist. “I remember you telling me something about an unfulfilled fantasy?”