At eleven, Coira came to the front and announced the retreat was over. She stood by Ryn as the quilters packed up their things.
“Let’s leave Tuck’s machine up in case he wants to come back again tonight,” Coira said. “I’ll text him and let him know.”
And while you’re at it, could you ask him where in the hell he was today? But Ryn stopped herself from saying it, hoping her expression was as neutral as the background fabric in a quilt.
Deydie and Coira guided the quilters to their bus, which would take them back to Dumfries. Ryn and Sophie stayed behind to put the room back as it was.
Sophie looked ready to ask her a million questions. “That was something, wasn’t it?”
At first Ryn thought she was speaking about the retreat, but she couldn’t be so lucky.
“Tuck, I mean. I can’t believe he stood up to Deydie like he did yesterday. He must care for you an awful lot.”
He probably just wanted to get into my pants again, like all the others. By now though, Ryn knew that wasn’t true. Tuck is different. He wasn’t a bastard at all. He was a caring and decent guy.
“I don’t know,” Ryn said honestly to Sophie’s statement. “I have no idea why he joined the retreat.”
Sophie picked up his machine and put it on the smaller table Coira had brought in. “I know why. He couldn’t stand to be away from ye.”
“I doubt that.”
Even if that was true, it didn’t do Ryn any good. Tuck was a wonderful man, but he couldn’t be part of her future. He’d made it clear he didn’t want any kids. Which might have been fine before…
Since speaking with Cait about her college roommate, Ryn’s mindset had changed, and hope had taken root. Maybe she could have children, a husband, and a loving family. She deserved to have those things, didn’t she?
But the insurmountable wall stood high between her and Tuck, and made more complicated, because she knew how Tuck felt about abortion. If they were together, really together, she wouldn’t keep that kind of secret from him. Those kinds of omissions had a tendency to fester and kill a relationship.
No. They were better off not together. She and Tuck could never be a real couple.
Ryn didn’t leave the castle until four, carrying her dinner in a sack Mrs. McNabb handed to her as she left. She began walking down the road back to the cottage she’d been borrowing from Hugh and Sophie. With the retreat over, she had a lot to think about.
What was she going to do next? A big blank stared back at her. Maybe it was time to go home. Pick back up where she’d left off.
She was surprised when she’d made it all the way down the hill and up again without noticing a single tree or rock along the way. It was as if she’d been transported there, twenty feet away from her cottage. She was even more surprised to see Tuck on his small porch, sitting on a kitchen chair, staring at his phone. He looked up just as her eyes landed on him. He stood.
“I’ve been waiting for you,” he said. “We should talk. Come inside.”
The last time they’d been in his cottage, she’d ended up in his bed. “No.” She couldn’t afford to spend time with him and break her heart further when she left. Which would be soon. Very soon. Tomorrow maybe. She pulled out the key to open her door.
He was there and took the key from her, giving her a bit of déjà vu. He unlocked the door and pushed it open. “There are things I need to say.”
“Fine. But I’m tired and I want to go to bed.”
He gave her a hopeful smile. “Sounds good to me.”
“That’s not what I meant. I’m tired and need sleep. But first, I have to know. Tell me why you didn’t come back to the retreat.”
“A big problem at the mill with a big order that needed to be filled. It took until an hour ago to get it fixed.” He shut the door and stood before her, a serious man. “Ryn, I don’t know what happened between us. We were getting along so well.”
We were naked, was the reason.
He took a step closer. “Why did you shut me out?”
She dropped her things on the table, frustrated with him. “What we have, Tuck, is just a fling. Nothing more.”
He hung his thumbs on his jean pockets. “What if I want it to be more?”
Why couldn’t he just leave her in peace? “It can’t be more.”
“Why can’t it?” he said, glaring at her now, the tough man wanting his way.
She let the silence speak for her.
“Talk to me, Ryn.” He shook his head as his eyes glanced heavenward, as if God would have to intercede to help him control his temper. “Whatever it is, we’ll work through it. Together. Now tell me.”
“It’s not something we can work out. We’re temporary.” I knew it from the moment you told me about Elspeth and the abortion.
“Is this about me saying I didn’t want a family?” Tuck said. “I told John it was a stupid idea.”
“What are you talking about?” Ryn said.
Tuck’s cheeks grew crimson and he turned away. “I asked John’s advice about something.”
“About what?”
“Listen,” Tuck started. “John said I should drop hints and let you know that I don’t need a big family.”
“John? I don’t understand.” What had Tuck been telling people?
“Forget John,” Tuck said, looking frustrated. “I’ve been trying to tell you I don’t need a cottage full of bairns to be happy.” He paused, giving her a sad, pitying look. “I know ye can’t have kids.”
“Where did you get that idea?” Ryn said, incredulous.
“I didn’t mean to, but I overhead ye talking to Cait.”
“Cait?” But in the next second, she remembered. Oh, God, did Tuck hear the rest?
He took her hand. “Ye see, I made my peace with it.”
Ryn jerked her hand away. She grabbed for the kitchen chair to steady herself.
Tuck wasn’t done punishing her. “Luv, kids aren’t a deal breaker for me.”
This is so frustrating! She was tired of tiptoeing around Tuck. Tired of keeping the truth from him. Something inside her snapped. “Kids aren’t a deal breaker, but I’m sure abortion is!” It was better to put their relationship out of its misery now, with one fell swoop, than let it drag out until her broken heart couldn’t be repaired. Too late, though. Her heart was a goner.
Momentarily Tuck looked confused. “Abortion?”
Ryn threw her bag at him, and she wasn’t even the throwing-stuff-at-people type of girl. Then he pissed her off more when he caught it, instead of letting it knock him upside the head.
“Yeah, abortion,” she said ruefully. “You made it abundantly clear how you feel about women who have had them.”
“What are you talking about?” Tuck said. “You can’t know if ye’re pregnant. We only just had sex.”
It was her turn to roll her eyes now. “Listen closely, dude. This has nothing to do with you or us getting it on. Apparently, when you were eavesdropping, you didn’t stick around for the juicy part of the conversation.”
“I’d heard more than I should’ve.” At least he looked contrite for listening in.
She shook her head, knowing how this would drive a stake through the heart of whatever good feelings he had for her. But she had to push on. “It’s not that I can’t get pregnant—” she started “—I just believed I didn’t deserve to have children.” Her hand went to her chest…to calm her pounding heart.
“That’s ridiculous, Ryn. How could you feel like ye don’t deserve children? Ye’re the best person I know. You’d make a wonderful mother.”
“You don’t get it!” Her patience was gone and she barreled ahead recklessly. “I’ve had an abortion! I was fifteen when I got knocked up, and my mother took me to the clinic to take care of it!” If she wasn’t so tired, she might’ve told him the whole horrid tale with candor and calm dignity. But as it was, she was yelling. She glared at him, needing him to despise her as much as he despised his ex. If he walked out now, hat
ing her, that might be the only way she’d survive loving Tuck.
You’ll never stop loving him, that damn little voice taunted.
But she hadn’t told him the crux of the story. And part of her wanted to save-face. It would only take four words, too. “Essentially, I was raped.”
Ryn watched as her news covered Tuck, as if it was sticky tar. He seemed to have trouble breathing, but he recovered quickly. His brows crashed together, his face turned an angry red, and he looked as though he might explode.
She hoped he would say something. Anything. But he was no longer acting like Chatty Cathy. She should’ve been prepared, because sure enough, he marched out the door without so much as an adios or a wave goodbye.
Tears sprang to her eyes and she didn’t stop them. She might as well cry. There would be tears for a long time to come for this one. For this was the first man who was worth keeping.
Tuck was the love of her life.
But now he was the one who got away.
23
Tuck started the car and headed for Gandiegow. He needed the long drive to process what Ryn had just told him. Abortion! Rape! What the hell!
He used to have a clue as to what was coming around the bend, but that was before he met Ryn. The only thing he knew for sure was that he had to get away. He needed time to think, alone.
Thank God, Andrew had texted him, not a half hour ago, asking for a favor. His brother wanted him to watch Glenna overnight so he and Moira could go into Inverness for an impromptu getaway. What’s weird was that Andrew could’ve gotten any number of Gandiegowans to watch Glenna, but Tuck wasn’t going to argue with the legitimate excuse to flee.
The road stretched out before him, his thoughts all consuming. He was so conflicted.
Ryn and Elspeth had more in common than their appearances. They shared an experience, too. But with some vast differences.
Elspeth was seventeen and had finished secondary school when she turned up pregnant.
Elspeth chose to have her abortion with her baby-daddy driving her to the clinic, not being forced there by her mother.
And Elspeth hadn’t been raped. Ryn had! She’d been the victim. And Tuck wanted to punch the son-of-a-bitch who had hurt her! He saw red and drove faster.
He couldn’t believe all the other feelings he was having. Like being pissed at Elspeth again! But he’d only just forgiven her!
One of Andrew’s old sermons came back to Tuck. Forgiveness isn’t a one shot and done deal. It’s an ongoing process, which has to be repeated again and again. But take heart! Once you’ve forgiven once, forgiving again, becomes easier and easier.
And hell, another sermon hit him over the head, too. Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
Tuck sucked in a deep breath and lifted his foot off the gas pedal, not wanting to put off what needed to be done for another fifteen years. “I forgive you, Elspeth.” Moments later, he felt less angry. But forgiving Elspeth only left more room for him to dwell on Ryn.
Maybe he should’ve said something before he stomped out on her. But he probably would’ve only made things worse. How could he explain that he’d loved Elspeth, but only in the way of a teenager—fueled by hormones with no real understanding of the depths of a man’s commitment. Loving Elspeth didn’t come close to how he felt about Ryn!
Tuck laughed. “Oh, shite. I love Ryn.” He felt elated, relieved, and was absolutely certain everything was going to be all right with them.
He wanted nothing more than to turn the car around, but he was almost to Gandiegow by now and he’d promised Andrew he would come.
Tuck drove down the hill and parked in the lot. The second he was out of the car, he pulled out his phone. He had to tell Ryn he loved her. But his phone wasn’t working—not a single bar. Maybe he’d have better service when he got to Andrew’s.
As he headed into town, there was an extra bounce to his step.
“Hey, Tuck,” Ross called from the deck of the Indwaller. “Can ye stop by for a second?”
Tuck glanced at his watch, then hollered back to Ross, “For a minute.” He jogged over to him.
As he headed down the dock, Ramsay and John appeared from the Indwaller’s wheelhouse, and all looked right with the Armstrong brothers. Tuck couldn’t help but smile…John had worked things out. As Tuck boarded, he touched the wooden cross.
“I’m glad I saw you,” Ross said. “We wanted to call and talk to you, but Gandiegow doesn’t have any mobile services until Wednesday.”
“Or so they say,” Ramsay said. “I expect it will take a mite longer. Our cell tower and internet are being upgraded.”
A flash of panic hit Tuck. How was he going to let Ryn know everything was okay between them? This was something that couldn’t wait.
John stepped forward, looking every bit the captain again. “Listen, the lads and I have talked. We appreciate all you’ve done, picking up the slack, while I was away.”
Tuck felt a but coming on.
“But ye’ve worn yourself ragged and ye don’t need to do it any longer. I think ye’re needed more in Whussendale than here now.” John’s voice was strong, confident, sounding more like himself than ever.
Ramsay pounded Tuck on the back. “Aye. From what I hear, there’s a certain American lass there that needs ye more than us.”
Tuck glared at John, hoping he hadn’t told his brothers everything, especially about Ryn not being able to have children. John seemed to understand his concern and shook his head no, which put Tuck at ease.
“Leave the man alone, Ramsay,” Ross said. “Have some compassion. You of all people should remember what you went through to get yere wife, Kit. We certainly do.”
“And with yereself and Sadie,” Ramsay volleyed back.
Tuck hadn’t been there for any of it, but he’d heard the stories. “All right. This is actually good timing. Only yesterday, Hugh asked me when I could go fulltime at the wool mill.” And with Ryn in Whussendale with him, he wouldn’t regret leaving Andrew in Gandiegow.
John held out his left hand. “Thank you for everything.”
Tuck took it and shook. The moment felt pivotal, as if his world was shifting back into place.
“Aye, thanks,” both Ross and Ramsay said, thumping Tuck on the back.
And wasn’t it just like the Universe, to have him feel welcomed here in Gandiegow just as he realized his future lay in Whussendale?
Tuck nodded to the Armstrong brothers. “Andrew is expecting me.” He stepped off the boat and left them to it.
When he arrived at the parsonage, Andrew opened the door. Tuck walked into the quiet house and looked around. It seemed neither Moira or Glenna was there.
“Where are the lassies?” Tuck asked.
Andrew followed him into the parlor. “Sit down, Tuck.”
Panic washed over Tuck. Andrew’s tone was the same as when he’d told him about John’s accident.
“Is everyone okay? Moira? Glenna?”
Andrew sat across from him. “Everyone’s fine. You and I need to talk.”
“What’s with all the gloom and doom?” Tuck asked. “I’m in no mood for an intervention, or whatever it is ye have going on here.”
“It’s not an intervention. It’s something that needs to be said from one brother to another.” Andrew had always been so serious, and now wasn’t any different. “Ye work too hard, Tuck. And I think it’s time for ye to move home, here to the parsonage.”
“What are you talking about?” Tuck’s new life was all set to begin in Whussendale. And for the first time in his life, he wanted to put down roots. Deep ones.
“Ye can’t run away from yere problems anymore.” Andrew gave him a concerned look. “It’s time for ye to forgive yereself, and stop working yereself to death. John has forgiven ye. Now do yereself a favor and forgive yereself, too.”
Tuck finally put a name to the feeling he had when John shook his hand. It wasn’t just the guilt lifting. It must’ve
been the start of forgiving himself for what he’d done to John.
“I’m okay,” Tuck said. “John and I talked about it some. And I’m starting to realize it wasn’t completely my fault.”
Andrew nodded. “It was only an accident.”
“Aye,” Tuck said.
“Then move home. We miss ye.”
“You don’t understand,” Tuck said. “I can’t. I’m going to live in Whussendale.”
“If ye’re worried about the villagers of Gandiegow, they will accept ye eventually. I promise ye, all will right itself.”
“That’s not it. Whussendale is my home now. It’s where I want to live. With Ryn.”
“Ryn?” Andrew said, looking shocked.
“I love her.” It felt good to tell his brother. “And if ye had any phone service in this blasted town right now, I’d call and tell her myself. This very minute.”
“You haven’t said anything to her yet?”
Tuck shook his head. “I only just figured it out on the drive here.”
A knock sounded at the door. Andrew stood to get it. “Don’t go anywhere. We’re not done talking about this.”
A moment later, Andrew led Brodie into the parlor.
“Brodie’s here to see ye.”
Brodie nodded. “I heard ye were in town. I could use some help on the morning run. What do you say?”
Brodie wouldn’t ask unless he really needed someone. But Tuck also knew every fisherman in town was being more cautious, safer, since John’s accident.
“Sure. I can help in the morn.” Tuck glanced at his watch. It was six already. He was anxious to get back to Ryn and tell her how he felt. He turned back to his brother. “Do you and Moira really have a date, or was it just a ploy to get me here to have a talk?”
Andrew nodded, smiling. “We have a date. Moira and Glenna are waiting for us at Quilting Central. They were giving us some privacy.”
Andrew, Brodie, and Tuck left the parsonage together, heading to Quilting Central. Tuck took a deep breath and reminded himself of what Andrew had said: All will be right.
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