Now her hair and eyes were the only reminders of the people who had been her parents, but who were no longer on this earth. They had long ago returned to the universal energy; she had been responsible for sending them there. There was a beauty in sending them away, back to the place where they sprouted from the earth, yet sometimes Kaila couldn’t see the beauty, instead she saw the horror that the others insisted was true. Because what right did one human have to take another persons life…
Kaila shook her head, clearing the memories that would sidetrack her away from the whole reason she was there in the first place. She had discovered it, the meaning of Pauline’s scar and needed to write it all down. As was the case she knew if she didn’t record her thoughts exactly at the moment they developed, they would be like a breath of air that you pulled within your lungs but as soon as you exhaled it was gone, and you would never ever breathe that very same breath again.
Kaila waited for the few minutes it took for the computer to boot up, practicing patience she almost didn’t feel capable of. A few taps later brought her to the place that was her other home, the virtual space where Trillian lived when she wasn’t inside Kaila’s head.
Kaila had started the blog on March 1st, on her nineteenth birthday, six years earlier. She had spent a long while setting it up so it was perfect, even picking a picture from the internet that embodied Trillian’s personality absolutely. There had been a bit of a tug of war on the picture that had been used though. Kaila wanted someone young and Trillian someone old. In the end they had settled on somewhere in the middle, a woman with a dark bob that was silvering at the temples. She wore round-framed spectacles perched at the tip of her slightly large nose and had a smile that Kaila compared to Leonardo da Vinci’s Mona Lisa’s grin.
By all accounts Trillian’s blog had been a success. Of course there were the detractors, faceless people who tried to bully her by posting what they felt to be derogatory comments about her sanity, and lack thereof, as if it was a slight to her mentality.
Knowing that you were in fact crazy made their assumed barbs nothing more than black squiggles on a sea of white. Despite not finishing her last post because of the Norm incident, she had already received twenty-five comments. Most were from people who were regular followers, people who seemed to think that she walked on water, and that Trillian knew all. Kaila knew these kinds of people, the ones who wanted her to give them something that they already had, because how could you give someone knowledge about a world that we all lived in. How could anyone fill another person’s need to be swaddled in peace?
Kaila didn’t spend any time reading the comments because getting lost in another’s words was what stopped her own words from flowing.
Today, in the vastness that is life, I have found the key to something that has puzzled me for some time, but as in anything that we don’t know the answer to, the solution comes when we least expect it, in the mundane that is all around us. There is a star in my world; it comes to me at any time of the day and night. A symbol that surfaces like an oil slick on an ocean, left behind by some catastrophic event caused by mans need to own, possess and use all the resources that our planet so readily provides. But there is beauty in that slick, when the sunlight shines just right, something miraculous happens, a rainbow appears as if a message from the universal collective, that there can be beauty in tragedy, because it is in those moments that we are at our lowest, in the pits of our reserves when hope is so far away from us, that we come together as a group, we are one, working to save that which we have destroyed. Striving to undo what has brought us to the brink of despair and devastation.
So I ask you dear readers, what do these disasters teach us, is there a lesson in the pain that we endure, when everything that we have ever known is lost, swept away with an absolute swipe of the universal hand of fate? In fact, do these moments in our existence, slow us, make us take stock of those things that we have put so much energy into. Because what point is there in building a castle when there is no being to share it with you, and if that castle is empty of that which we call love, then does it cease to give us pleasure, are we building to have it all destroyed and build it once again? Is the purpose in the building or is it in the belief that every thing will be better when the building is complete, yet when it is done does it leave the builder hollow, aimless, searching for the next project to fulfill their need to own, to possess, to create…
But I digress, because it is in the symbol of the star that I have decided to speak upon, and how the star is so part of our lives and how it has so many of the answers that we seek. Was it not a star that led the 3 wise men to the Messiah, as is believed by the people who aspire to the Christian faith? A pointer to the baby that was believed to be the Son of God brought to earth to save the sinners. I do not know whether this is true or false, there are too many faiths to go into a diatribe on semantics, but here in is the oneness that is us, the oneness that says that there is something outside us that makes things happen all around us, but what I must ask myself is this, if that thing that we believe is outside us and is happening TO us is that real, or maybe is it the truth that it is in fact happening by us, and that we are the creators of our own reality…
Kaila was jolted out of her space by the shrillness of the fire alarm. She closed her laptop, tucked it beneath her arm and sauntered over to the window furthest from her desk. The view shifted in that space, allowing her to see farther down the road that led to Wildwind. She wondered if today there actually was a fire. The chances were slim that it was real. Nearly eighty-five percent of the times before there had been no fire, but instead a resident who had somehow gained access to the levers that were kept in places that were forbidden to all but the staff.
On first glance the view was identical to the one she had studied everyday before that one. But seconds later she saw it, the thing that had happened before but she had never witnessed first hand until right then, the swan dive of a patient. The ultimate plunge into the unknown where they once again united with the collective energy, or what everyone called death.
And as the body of the person who was just a blur of color and light fell flailing for microseconds before landing silently and definitively on the concrete below, the world grew silent around her, as if the earth had stopped breathing and all sounds had ceased to exist. Then with striking reality and shocking clarity, the alarm was there again and was now entwined with the hysterical voices of people devastated by the reality, that yet another person had felt death was their only option left in life.
CHAPTER 4
“Some heads are going to roll for this latest jumper. I mean Wildwind is already on probation and now this,” Pauline said, shoveling a spoonful of what most patients termed gruel.
The soup, that was a mix of rice, chicken and broth with a few spices and little else, was called Congee. The dish was a traditional Thai breakfast offering and was supposed to impart health after a digestive illness or flu, as it was especially easy to digest. The novel dish had been introduced to the Wildwind menu two years before, when an outbreak of a horrible flu had brought daily life at Wildwind to a grinding halt. Both staff and patients alike had succumbed to the malady. With most people off sick and just a skeleton crew to work the kitchen, a Thai lady who was affectionately called Mrs. T. since her real name was too long to pronounce, had made the executive decision to cook a massive batch of Congee for the patients of Wildwind. For those few days when sickness reigned, Congee was eaten for every single meal, and despite the singularity of the offerings many of the inhabitants of Wildwind, including Kaila, had quite enjoyed it. When everything had settled back into normalcy a new item had been added to the menu. There had been no mourning at all for the glue-like rolled oats that no one ever bothered eating anyway, and its removal made way for Congee to take its place as a mainstay at breakfast.
“Maybe they’ll shut the place down and we’ll be shipped home,” Janelle said with a hopeful expression.
She had started
speaking long before she had bothered to clear the chewed toast from her mouth. As was her habit, she had already eaten four slices of toast; another six were waiting to join the others in her ample stomach.
Usually what people said didn’t affect Kaila, but this talk, words about Wildwind closing, sent anxiety through her. This fear was huger than words could describe, racing through her body like a wave of pinpricking numbness that made her head feel as if it might explode. Her whole being was left jittering uncontrollably.
“Don’t say that,” Pauline hissed, cutting a glance at Kaila who was like a pressure cooker that could either blow off steam or explode.
“They’re not going to shut down Wildwind.”
Pauline turned her attention to Kaila. Her hand hovered over Kaila’s bare arm.
Kaila felt Pauline’s palm over her skin, felt the warmth of another human. Unlike when people actually made contact with her flesh and the spiders came, this felt soft and light.
“They’re not going to shut Wildwind down Kaila, Janelle is full of shit…isn’t that true Janelle,” she said, turning her razor glare onto Janelle.
Janelle nodded mutely, chewing her latest bite of toast furiously. Kaila felt a wave of relief that said the threat had passed. A minute later she was as relaxed as she had been before Janelle had suggested that Wildwind might close. Imagining leaving Wildwind was a thought that she couldn’t entertain at all, because if that happened her world would fall apart and…
She felt the heat and fear rising, traveling up her spine like mercury in a thermometer.
“So, did you hear that Norm is getting out?” Pauline said.
Seeing that Kaila had deflated back to normal, she continued eating her Congee. Kaila had already finished her standard breakfast, one egg over easy, two slices of wheat toast with exactly one pat of butter on each slice and a packet of strawberry jam, shared between the two slices.
Kaila took pains to ensure that every speck of the bread was covered uniformly, so each bite was exactly the same. Of course the crusts tasted different, but she had learned to accept that divergence a few years back. Much like how she had to accept that not everything in the kitchen could be controlled to her specifications. Sometimes the yolks of the eggs were harder or softer than she desired, so she had to ignore those days, and appreciate the times when the eggs were perfect and the toast was browned exactly right. Kaila also preferred clementine oranges, juicy and sweet with a slight tang, to other fruits, but since they were not always available she had to accept that if she wanted to eat fruit with her breakfast, she had to choose from what was provided.
“Getting out? But he just got here,” Kaila said, once again pulled into the fray of the conversation.
She placed her hands flat on the beige melamine and particleboard table. She wasn’t sure why that same anxious feeling that had worked through her moments earlier was rising again.
“He’s been here for more than a year already Kaila, you have no concept of time. I’ve had two admission since he’s been admitted,” Pauline said.
She tossed her dark hair over her shoulder. Kaila glimpsed the star-shaped scar, as if it was trying to give her a message that she had so far only got half of.
“But he’s crazy, he’s crazy, he should stay here.”
The words pushed out of Kaila in a tumble, and were laced with unexpected tension and anxiety.
“I thought you’d be happy to hear that he wouldn’t be bothering you anymore. Shit Kaila, he plays you like a violin, like he gets some sick pleasure from you beating him to a pulp.”
Pauline didn’t need to mention the latest confrontation between Norm and Kaila, one where Norm had received a solid black eye for his troubles before once again Kaila had been pulled off him.
“But if he leaves how can I have sex with him?” Kaila asked.
“I thought you dropped that whole thing Kaila, you don’t want your first time to be with a screwed up pervert…” Janelle said.
She absently picked at a pimple on her forehead. It was a place where Kaila had read was called the Third Eye, right in the middle of the forehead. At just that moment Janelle managed to pick the top off the pimple, yellowish goo mixed with traces of blood squirted out. Normally Kaila would have studied the pimple, been in awe at how the body rejected the dirt and debris that slipped into pores, but now she was too focused on the concept that Norm was leaving.
“Fuck Janelle, I love you and all, but can you not do that shit when I’m trying to eat?” Pauline said.
She handed Janelle a paper napkin. Janelle accepted it. She wore a sheepish expression. She dabbed at her forehead with the paper, chewing on the side of her lip.
“Sorry, it’s a bad habit. I’m trying to stop, but when I get nervous…”
Pauline leaned forward, giving Janelle a long, deep kiss before she could finish her sentence.
“I know babe, sorry for being so harsh. You know I love you no matter what, huh?” she said when they had broken apart again.
She reached for Janelle’s free hand, threading their fingers together. Even though Kaila was distracted, the sight of their linked hands made her pause. Where Janelle’s hand was thick and mannish, Pauline’s was manicured and polished; they were a study in contrasts, but completely one.
Without knowing it her mind went into a void. When she came back she noticed that the girls had left. Norm had taken Janelle’s place across from her. This fugue state wasn’t new to Kaila and happened occasionally, usually when she was feeling stressed. It always left her baffled as to where the time went since it usually felt no longer than a blink of her eyelid, but could sometimes last a full hour. She likened it to a waking meditation, where nothing around her mattered or existed outside of her.
“Did you hear that I’m leaving this pathetic part of my life in a few days?” he asked.
Kaila nodded, oddly at a loss for words because in her mind she had thought that just like her, Norm would always be there. He was like a building that you saw every day of your life, knew it was there, sometimes noticing, while other times ignoring it all together until one day it was just plain gone. Norm was that building; she didn’t know when he had become that to her, only that he had. In her mind she was alone, but sometimes she allowed people to share her space, but only of course for short periods of time. She was there for as long as she needed the contact, then like being in a telephone booth, she mentally closed the glass door and was once again isolated.
It was odd for her to form this kind of attachment with him. Wildwind was a revolving door of patients, some staying for a month, others years, none of them ever made it past the invisible walls that encased her, but Norm had.
“I want to have sex with you,” Kaila said, her expression stony.
Norm’s eyes, already made large from his thick bottle cap glasses, widened even more.
“Huh?” Was all he said. His mouth hung agape. He sucked in a few stilted breaths.
“I know you understand what sex is, so why is it that you don’t understand my words?”
He ran his spindly fingers through his recently washed hair. Instead of his hair standing up on his head like usual, the natural oils had been washed away and now caused his hair to lie limply against his skull.
“I understand sex all right, but just not the concept that you and I…”
His voice trailed off. He shot a worried look over his shoulder as if terrified that someone was listening to their conversation. When he finally looked back at her, his face was rife with unease. As much as Norm tried to act the player he was anything but.
“We could go to the storage closet…”
Norm threw his hand up, his bony fingers splayed as if to stop something physical, not just Kaila’s words.
“I know about the storage closet…” he said in a hushed voice.
He leaned in, as close as was safe to do with Kaila, so close that she could smell the sourness of the cigarettes he loved to puff on whenever he got the chance. She was surpr
ised to actually have noticed and remembered how the index and middle finger of his right hand had been stained mustard brown with nicotine once. But in the time that he had been in Wildwind, the stains had gradually disappeared, leaving pink skin in their wake. And once again Kaila marveled at the human body and its adaptability, where new skin replaced the old daily.
“But how are we going to…”
He waggled his eyebrows a few times as if the act was enough to explain everything.
“I would imagine you would put you penis into my vagina,” Kaila said without reservations.
Norm’s eyes grew enormous; his face went a deep shade of red.
“Shit Kaila, could you talk any louder than that? I don’t think everyone in the cafeteria actually heard you that time,” Norm said, blowing out an exasperated sigh.
“Why would everyone in the cafeteria need to know that we’re going to have sex in the storage closet?”
“Lower your voice for shit sake. Fuck Kaila, why can’t you be even remotely normal?”
“Norm I’m not normal, I was put on this earth to be not normal, why can’t you understand that?”
Kaila laid her large hands palm down on the tabletop, then leaned closer to Norm. She pressed her lips to the tip of his nose for a fraction of a second and pulled back.
Be in the Real Page 3