Be in the Real

by Denise Mathew

  She screwed up her face and crossed her eyes.

  “All attempts at individual beliefs are futile, you will be assimilated into the collective,” Pauline said in a robotic voice then broke into hysterical laughter.

  Her behavior unsettled Kaila because she didn’t understand why Pauline would giggle when it quite obviously wasn’t a funny subject. Before she could mention this fact, Pauline had disappeared into the house, leaving her and Derrick alone.

  Derrick’s eyes were glued to the door where Pauline had disappeared into the house, as though he was incapable of looking anywhere else.

  Kaila moved toward the glass table. She locked on the remaining two lines of cocaine. She picked up the rolled dollar bill. Before she could copy what Derrick and Pauline had done, Pauline had returned. Kaila dropped the bill onto the table, her attention moved to the bathing suits in Pauline’s grasp.

  Pauline tossed a balled piece of burgundy cloth towards Kaila. It promptly landed at her feet. A black bundle sailed toward Derrick next. He caught his gift in one hand. Kaila stepped forward, plucking the one-piece bathing suit from the ground where it had landed. She shook it out until it hung straight in front of her. To Kaila’s inexperienced eye, the suit looked smallish, but when she tested the fabric she realized that it was stretchy.

  “You can change over there,” Pauline said, motioning to a small hut structure.

  It appeared to be made from natural wood, knotted in parts, the grain exhibited in all its splendor by a wood stain that had been coated in varnished until it glimmered like the surface of a still lake. The hut was topped by what looked to be a genuine straw roof.

  “Speedo? I’m not wearing a speedo, I don’t care how stoned I am, these are just wrong,” Derrick protested.

  Kaila didn’t bother to gauge the piece of clothing that he was balking at. She was too eager to put on her own bathing suit.

  She scurried to the place where Pauline had indicated.

  “Take it or leave it, it’s all I have…I think you can pull it off though,” Pauline said just as Kaila closed the door behind her.

  The space was economical in size, with an overhead light that couldn’t illuminate the windowless place enough to eliminate the darkish ambiance. A full-length mirror with another light attached to the top helped some, but nothing compared to the natural light outside.

  Kaila stripped off her clothes. Despite knowing that the bathing suit would stretch somewhat, she was still a slightly surprised when the tiny piece of fabric slipped effortlessly over her hips, then her torso. The suit felt odd against her frame, compressing her body parts in a way that didn’t feel restrictive yet still hugged her curves, much like a brand new bra before it had been stretched by wear.

  Kaila slid her hands down her front, gliding over her stomach. She noticed that the slight roundness of her belly had been diminished considerably, giving it the appearance of almost being flat. The bathing suit was cut high at the arch of her thighs, making her legs seem longer, more slender. The front was V-shaped with a clear stone clasp set in gold that pulled the two pieces together at her breasts, yet still managed to expose more cleavage than she had ever shown before. Kaila was surprised at how the hue of her skin had changed. Her freckles had become more pronounced from just a few days in the sun.

  She had never felt comfortable with changing into clothes that weren’t to her particular specifications, but since this was her first bathing suit she didn’t have any preconceived notions on what she did and did not like. She turned a few times in front of the mirror, examining her body. The color seemed to blend seamlessly with her copper colored hair that on closer inspection was more tangled and askew than she had realized. Kaila longed for her brush, tucked away in her bag that was far away from her now.

  As soon as she thought about Derrick an odd flush surged through her, warming ever part of her with something that felt a lot like when she and Norm had been in the storage closet. She wondered what Derrick looked like in his swimsuit and whether he would like how she looked, and if he would think that she was sexy. She had already seen him in just his underwear, but somehow this felt more intimate because it was on purpose.

  Trillian suddenly pushed forward, doing her best to snatch the moment from Kaila, but Kaila resisted. There was so little time left for her to be outside of Wildwind that she couldn’t afford to lose even a second. After several minutes of internal battling, Kaila finally shoved Trillian away completely.

  When she exited the hut she saw that Pauline and Derrick had already jumped into the pool. They were tangled together in a way that was so overtly sexual that Kaila might have felt embarrassed if she hadn’t been so angry. They were pushed against the side of the pool, Derrick’s back with his infinity tattoo, was facing Kaila. Pauline was arched away from him, her head resting on the ledge of the pool, but their pelvises remained clamped together. Derrick’s arm encircled her waist as if they had always been a couple, in a way that belied that Derrick had a girlfriend and that Pauline loved girls, not boys.

  Pauline’s hair had moved to the side and her star-shaped scar seemed to glare at Kaila, reminding Kaila of all the things she couldn’t have. Pauline’s hand was lost in the front of Derrick’s trunks. Derrick’s hand was wedged beneath Pauline’s bikini top, massaging her breast as he kissed a line down her neck. Kaila cared as much about Pauline as she felt capable of, and Derrick had somehow grown on her, even so, seeing them together like that had fury roiling in her stomach. She wanted to rip them apart, toss them out of the pool and…

  “Kaila, come on in,” Pauline said, breaking away from Derrick.

  Derrick turned toward Kaila, his face was flushed more than before. His expression was dazed like he had just woken up; his face was so red that he looked as if he had been sitting in a thousand degree sauna. Pauline reached Kaila’s side of the pool in a few graceful strokes, the tips of her wet hair trailed behind her like a mermaid.

  “What’s wrong? You look pissed,” Pauline said. She rested her arms on the side of the pool, directly in front of Kaila.

  “Why do you and Derrick do those things together, are you going to have sex?”

  Even saying the words seemed too much for Kaila to bear.

  Pauline shrugged.

  “Maybe,” she said.

  Kaila’s temper had reached the limit; all she could do was release it the best way she knew how. Thankfully she was still thinking straight enough to know that she didn’t want to hurt Pauline or Derrick. She raced toward a small metal-framed patio table. Her fingers made purchase and she heaved it up.

  “Kaila,” Derrick hollered much too late.

  Everything seemed to slow in pace as the table sailed through the air for what felt impossibly long, until it finally smashed into the stone wall that enclosed the back yard, about forty feet away. It bounced off the stone, a leg buckled from the force, then it proceeded to mow through half a dozen ceramic pots, over-brimming with flowers. It promptly stopped moving moments later, where it lay inert on the grass.

  Kaila drew in a long sigh, appeased by the violence that she had released. She was pleased that she had done so well to control it; Trillian hadn’t even been there to help.

  “Fuck Kaila.”

  Pauline was suddenly standing beside her, her mouth agape. She broke into raucous laughter. Derrick joined them seconds later. He gazed at the scene of the crime, his expression was awestruck.

  “That’s some real muscle,” he said, slicking back his wet hair.

  Derrick quickly joined in with Pauline, laughing so hard that he was forced to bend over at the waist from the effort. Kaila watched them, completely baffled by their odd reactions. She was reminded that this real world was so very different from Wildwind, where right now she would have had the needle and would have been on her way to the White Room.

  Kaila shook her head, all remnants of her anger dissolved. She turned her back to them, then moved to the shallow end of the pool. She gingerly sat at the edge then let her b
ody slip in.

  The water was cool against the summer heat, delicious and refreshing at the same time. She ducked beneath the water, opening her eyes to the clear surrounding her. When a body splashed into the pool several feet away from her she watched the snowy white clouds of bubbles dance across the water, then settle to reveal a pair of legs that were undeniably Pauline’s. When Kaila’s air finally ran out, and she was forced back to the surface, it was as if she was entering the world again, as if beneath the water she had been transported to another time, another space.

  Pauline was just a few feet away from her, her hair smooth against her head. It framed her face in dark sheets. Derrick teetered at the edge of the deep end. He belly-flopped with a loud splat long before Kaila could get a good look at his mostly naked body. When he surfaced a few seconds later he swam with expert strokes toward the two girls, half-grinning. And Kaila saw his beauty, and that he had once again transformed into being all man. He was different from Norm, and all the other men she had seen on her screen, but also so perfect. She didn’t care that his chest was narrow or that he wasn’t muscled like men were supposed to be. It mattered little that his nose was too narrow, his lips too cute, because he was everything she had never known she had wanted, but had found all the same.

  Once again Kaila wanted to rest her head against Derrick’s chest, feel the beat of his heart against her cheek, know what it felt like to be with a lover. She longed to be everything to him and more, but she also knew that she would never have any of it. For a moment the truth of her life made her heart ache for what she would never have, for all the time that she would be alone, for the things she would never do, never see, for the countries she would never travel to, and the food she wouldn’t taste and…

  She felt the water hit her face, instantly grabbing the breath from her lungs. Kaila coughed. She blinked away the torrents of water flying at her. What she did manage to see through the waterfall was a half-smile that was all too familiar, a star-shaped scar that she had grown to love, and a girl who had no idea how lovely or lucky she was. It was in that moment as she gasped for breath, laughing as she and Pauline splashed each other with the vigor and enthusiasm of two children, that she knew what she was supposed to do; be there, right there, until she wasn’t.

  CHAPTER 40

  Kaila’s outburst had somehow managed to extinguish the fire that had ignited between Pauline and Derrick. Though they remained playful, the sexual overtones had disappeared, so Kaila could fully enjoy the day. The afternoon unwound its colors and flavors, and Kaila savored every one. She swam until her skin wrinkled and her bladder was near bursting before she finally exited to use the toilet.

  When they grew hungry, Pauline brought out nacho chips and spicy salsa that made Kaila’s tongue tingle. They drank pink lemonade with tiny pastel colored paper umbrellas that Kaila couldn’t stop opening and closing, marveling at how the bamboo frames worked so perfectly.

  When Pauline and Derrick were busy smoking from a pear-shaped glass bowl device with long hoses coming from it called a Hookah, Kaila snuck away to shove a few umbrellas into the folds of her clothes so she could remember every little bit of the day. Several times Derrick looked at Kaila as if he was about to say that he needed to return her to Wildwind, but he never did.

  When dusk came and the sky was lit with ripples of violet, peach and pink, Pauline ordered more food for them. Since they couldn’t decide what they wanted to eat, Pauline ordered from three different restaurants, Chinese, Mexican and Italian. There was Moo Shu pork, fried noodles with huge pink shrimp, wonton soup, and fortune cookies that were crispy and sweet with hidden messages and predictions. Kaila allowed Trillian to snap open a few.

  The crunchy corn tacos were stuffed with shredded beef and came with even more nacho chips. These chips were laden with thick orange cheese sauce, green olives and sliced jalapeno peppers. The last thing to arrive was an extra-large pizza with a thin crispy crust that was topped with half pepperoni while the other half was loaded with mushrooms, peppers, sausage, black olives, extra cheese and things that Kaila couldn’t identify, but Derrick said were anchovies.

  Kaila sampled as much food as she could, until her stomach finally balked then cramped; she knew that she was done. With her belly stuffed to maximum, Kaila lay back against the lounge chair, gazing at the stars that managed to poke holes through the canopy of trees. Time passed and Kaila stared, lost in the sensations of the moment, until she was dragged back by Pauline’s voice.

  “Kaila, Kaila, come on, we’re going for a drive.”

  Kaila was content to stay in the space that she was occupying for eternity, but the excitement in Pauline’s voice was contagious. She rapidly got to her feet; ready to go where Pauline led her. Kaila followed Pauline who swayed a little as she fought to walk straight. Derrick slipped in behind Pauline, grabbing her around the waist in a bear hug. He twirled her in place until Pauline’s legs swung out in an arc.

  Derrick wasn’t steady on his feet either. After he had spun around one too many times, he staggered sideways before he regained his balance. Even so, he managed to maintain his hold on Pauline, who for her part laughed hysterically. This type of odd and erratic behavior grew by degrees, with every line of cocaine they did, every drink of alcohol they consumed, and every puff of grey smoke they inhaled into their lungs. Though as gone as they both seemed to be, they were united in their belief that Kaila was to steer clear of all of their hedonistic practices, as though she was a toddler not a full grown woman.

  Seeing the way they were tottering around, walking on invisible stilts, Kaila was confused about their reasons for filling their bodies with all the foreign substances. She herself had consumed many pills and medications of several shapes and sizes, all varying her moods and mind in some imperceivable way, yet those were taken on command not because she desired it so. But since she had been out of Wildwind, in the moments when Derrick hadn’t given her a pill, Kaila saw the world clearer than ever before, as though someone had tuned in a high-powered microscope that led to her brain.

  Kaila stood up. She followed the still chuckling Pauline, who had her arm slung across Derrick’s bare shoulders. Though still shirtless, Derrick had tugged his jeans on over his swimming trunks. Pauline had changed into a filmy dress that was the color of the filling of the lemon meringue pie that they had once served in the Wildwind cafeteria, but had later abandoned producing. Her hair was tousled and wild, matching her fevered expression.

  Kaila had grudgingly shifted out of her swimsuit, and had donned her clothes once again. The outfit that she wore every day of her existence now somehow felt less comfortable than before. It felt as if she had shed a skin, and when she had tried to put it back on it didn’t fit as well as it once had.

  The house was mostly dark as they tread through, there was just enough light for safe passage. Pauline and Derrick weren’t as adept at maneuvering around the furniture they passed along the way and bumped into several things. When a loud crash resonated through the gigantic house, Pauline and Derrick were completely unfazed. Kaila startled and jumped at the explosion of sound. It was soon discovered that Derrick had run headlong into a six-foot tall potted hibiscus tree that had been laden with bright orange blossoms. He and Pauline’s only recognition of the destruction came when they took exaggerated steps over the shattered pieces of blue and gold pottery. Kaila paused for a moment to stare at the plant and the spilled soil that left the roots of the plant completely exposed, she imagined it screaming in agony at being dislodged from the comfort of the pot that had been its home.

  The garage was massive. Pauline pressed a button that elevated the garage door long before Kaila could study her new environment. The garage door slid open, revealing a night so still that it seemed that the world had stopped living. Fresh air mingled with the stench of oil, gas and a hint of exhaust. Kaila inhaled it all.

  “Let’s take the Ferrari,” Pauline said after an extended perusal of the five cars that were contained within t
he space.

  “A fucking Ferrari? Are you serious?”

  Derrick’s voice was slurred, as if his tongue had grown too large for his mouth. It sounded so funny to Kaila’s ears that she smiled then released a laugh that came from deep down inside her.

  “Yep, a fucking Ferrari. Only the best, for the best fucking daughter in the whole fucking world…”

  Pauline scratched her head then ran her fingers along her star-shaped scar. All the mirth that had lit her face moments before dropped away, and was replaced by a sadness that made Kaila’s heart hurt.

  “Except for the fucking fact that I like to fuck girls…”

  Pauline’s words trailed off and she was silent for a minute. Suddenly she broke into another fit of laughter. Though it was supposed to be a sound of happiness, it made Kaila feel so heavy, like all the light had been sucked from the room.

  “Lessss go.”

  Pauline took a swipe at a set of car keys hanging on a hook on the concrete wall. The word Ferrari was engraved on a brass plate above it. She made a second pass at the keys. This time she made purchase, but only for a fraction of time because the keys dropped out of her grasp seconds later. Derrick retrieved them long before Pauline had realized that they were gone. He dangled the keys in front of Pauline who squinted, trying to focus on the cut pieces of metal that would take them anywhere they wanted to go.

  “Here you go.”

  Pauline shook her head. She stumbled against Derrick. He just managed to catch her before she fell on the concrete floor.

  “Nope, that’s for you, you drive…I’m fucked.”

  Derrick shook his head. “I can’t drive a Ferrari, not when I’m this stoned.”

  As if to prove his point he hit the button that controlled the garage door. It promptly closed, making Kaila’s heart sink.