‘It’s a morning for being out of town, Domino, and I wish very much to talk to you. Where could be better?’
The prospect of a private conversation was too tempting to refuse and she flew up to her room, calling to Flora on the way. Together they managed the change into riding dress in record time. Domino’s costume of pomona-green velvet ornamented with gold epaulettes was tailored to mould itself to her lithe young form. She watched Joshua’s eyes warm with appreciation as she came down the steps to meet him, but she was glad that he offered her no compliments. She could pretend that the ride was simply a meeting between old friends and that the absence of a chaperon was unimportant.
The chill in the air had turned the sky slate grey and made the promise of an energetic gallop even more enticing. They soon left the town behind, riding single file along one of the narrow chalk paths that led upwards to the smooth contours of downland. The wind was in abeyance and the white gulls dipping and calling seemed almost to hang in the air. Once they reached the expanse of open grass, their genteel trot was abandoned for a headlong gallop. Both riders launched themselves forwards and sprinted in harmony across the turf, Domino’s ringlets loosening from their hold and streaming behind her like a soft, waving banner. On and on for miles until, exhausted, the horses came to a halt at the top of a particularly steep rise in the ground. Below, the town of Brighton stretched itself lazily towards a dreaming sea, not a breath of wind ruckling the water’s surface.
They sat for a moment, taking in the sweep of grey stone and white cliffs while they regained their breath. Then Joshua slid easily from the saddle and secured his reins on the branch of a solitary tree. As he did so, a shaft of sunlight broke through the leaden sky, catching them in an illuminated circle. She smiled down at him, her face radiant with pleasure and her unforced joy in the ride evoking an answering smile. Before she could join him, he had turned aside and picked a small bouquet of wild daisies and cowslips and presented them to her with a courtly bow.
‘Does Spain have its own language of flowers? Here the daisy means innocence and the cowslip winning grace—what could be more apt?’
She blushed at the extravagant compliment, but said lightly, ‘I think the language of flowers is universal, is it not?’
He reached up to help her dismount. ‘Shall we rest the horses and walk a little?’
She nodded agreement and took his proffered arm. They strolled in companionable silence over the springy turf, wending their way along the ridge of the hill. When he spoke at last, there was some hesitation in his voice.
‘I was hoping you would accept my invitation this morning. I wanted to apologise for ending your evening so badly.’
When she looked bemused, he added, ‘I imagine your ride home wasn’t the most pleasant you’ve ever taken.’
She coloured. ‘There’s no need for you to apologise. I was as much to blame for…’ she was looking straight ahead, her cheeks now bright red ‘…for the incident.’ Despite her embarrassment, she wasn’t quite able to repress the smallest of giggles. ‘You should know that my scandalous conduct went unremarked!’
‘I am relieved to hear it. I was worried that you might already be on your way back to Spain. But your father seems a most level-headed gentleman. You are fortunate: families are not always so sensible.’
‘You are thinking of your own?’
When he didn’t respond, she said gently, ‘I can understand why you should. They appear to have been very quick to judge you.’
‘They had past history on their side.’
‘Then you must have been in some very bad scrapes while you were growing up.’
His smile did not quite reach his mouth. ‘I was.’
‘But why?’
‘Why? That’s a strange question.’
‘Not really. Boys are naturally a little wild, but why were you so very wild?’
They continued to walk in a leisurely fashion along the narrow chalk path, but she felt his figure tense beside her.
At length, he said, ‘Perhaps because no one was paying me too much attention. I wasn’t much use, you see. My parents already had a perfectly satisfactory heir—indeed, a paragon of an heir. And then ten years later another son came along at a time when I imagine they must have thought themselves clear of child rearing.’
He had never before revealed so much of what was evidently still hurtful. She unlinked her arm from his and took his hand in a warm clasp. ‘You’re saying that you were unwanted.’
‘I’m saying there was no point to me,’ he said in a deliberately light tone. ‘It didn’t seem to matter what I did. So I suppose that goaded me into exploits that became more and more outrageous.’
‘Including breaking faith with those dear to you?’ She knew she was venturing into dangerous territory, but it seemed important to know all there was to know.
‘That was the final icing on the cake.’ The light tone had vanished and his voice was riven with bitterness. ‘My perfidy ensured my parents disowned me. My brother, too—the scandal I caused jeopardised his betrothal to an earl’s daughter.’
‘But the marriage went ahead?’
‘Yes, he married. But the bride’s family made it clear that the wedding would only happen if I disappeared for good.’
‘And so you went abroad.’
‘And so I was sent abroad. It was the perfect solution. I’d ruined my parents—I was responsible for their early demise, or so my brother always maintained. I’d badly injured my sibling, my best friend and my first love. Going to Europe and staying there was the best thing I could do.’
The atmosphere had become heavy with the bleakness of the memory and, in an attempt to break through the grey cloud, he said in a falsely cheerful voice, ‘I imagine it won’t be long before you’ll be on your way to Europe, too.’
She said nothing, but her silence told him he was right. ‘Before you leave, Domino, there’s something I need to say.’
She felt apprehensive, but also strangely excited. After last night’s heated encounter she had come to see the impossibility of following her family’s wishes, but she had also been forced to swallow the bitter knowledge that a solitary life awaited her. The only man she could ever marry was walking here by her side and there was to be no future with Joshua. He was not looking for a wife; she doubted if he was looking for a permanent liaison of any kind. Yet this morning he had sought her out and brought her to this deserted spot in order to have private conversation. Could it be that he cared enough to prevent her return to Spain? Was the bleak future she had envisaged about to vanish? She hardly dared think it. That was just as well, since the very faint hope was instantly extinguished.
‘I respect your decision to return to Madrid and to your aunts’ protection,’ he was saying, ‘even though I may not agree with it.’
He put up his hand as she tried to interrupt and repeated quietly, ‘I respect your decision, Domino. But before you leave I need you to know one thing.’
‘Yes?’
‘I need you to know that I meant every one of those kisses last night.’
She felt baffled. What was he saying? That he was happy to see her go as long as she realised that his feelings had been honourable? Her silence seemed to urge him to another attempt.
‘I have not led the most creditable of lives, but in all my dealings with you, I have been honest—unusually so. I realise that it makes little difference to either of our futures, but it matters very much to me that you know my lovemaking has been sincere.’
She was still uncertain whether her heart should be leaping skywards or plummeting to earth. To gain time she repeated, ‘Sincere?’
‘Genuine. A difficult word for me—I am a rake, after all!’ His tone was jesting, but when he spoke again, there was a new heat to it. ‘I meant those kisse
s.’
And then swiftly, before she could respond, ‘You must not worry. I won’t disturb your life further, but I could not allow you to leave England without confessing what knowing you has meant to me.’
She turned to face him, grasping his hands in an impulsive movement.
‘You may disturb my life as much as you wish, Joshua. Should I return to Spain, it will not be to live with my aunts.’
It was his turn to look baffled. ‘When did you make that decision?’
‘Last night,’ she murmured shyly.
She could not bring herself to confess the whole truth of her feelings. Some small vestige of doubt held her back. The memory of Richard’s rejection still played through her mind and she did not know if she could bear the far worse pain of Joshua’s dismissal.
‘Why have you decided this?’ he was asking.
She prevaricated. ‘My aunts are insistent that I wed a man of their choosing, but I can no longer contemplate an arranged marriage.’
‘And why is that?’ His amber eyes seemed to probe deep into her heart.
‘There are reasons.’
He was looking at her in a way that made her stomach tie itself into the severest of knots, but some distant warning voice kept her from saying more.
‘And I am not to know those reasons?’ he asked softly.
‘They are not important.’ She must continue to hide her secret. Joshua would not want to hear words of love, words he could not reciprocate. But though she could not speak the truth, her body was pushing her to be honest. She reached up to touch his face and her finger lovingly traced the scar on his cheek.
He stood stock still for a moment, hardly believing the touch of her hand; then, in a sudden movement, he pulled her roughly into his arms, showering her hair and face with a torrent of kisses, until they were both breathless and forced to stop. For a moment they stood immobile, holding hands and laughing foolishly at each other. Then he wrapped his arms around her once more and kissed her again, this time slowly, tenderly, savouring every touch and taste of her. She breathed in his familiar scent and closed her eyes. The memory of last night’s kisses still lingered on her body and she wanted his lips back where they belonged. Soon she had her wish. His mouth began to trail slow kisses down her neck. Then, expertly unbuttoning her riding dress, he raised the satin skin of her breasts to his lips. She gasped with pleasure and fell back against the tree they had stopped beneath. He teased her with his tongue and she pressed into him, moulding herself like a second skin, her soft warmth cleaving to his hardness. They paused for a moment, shaken by the intensity of their feelings, but an irresistible force made them greedy for more.
He picked her up in his arms and laid her down on the soft turf, then he was beside her, drawing her towards him, fitting his body to hers. Whirls of shocked pleasure eddied through her. The gold-flecked eyes were dark as he hungrily sought her lips once more, bruising them in his need. She reached out and unbuttoned his shirt, imprinting her kiss on his chest and burying her face against his muscular frame. With a tender delicacy he began to undress her and her bare skin flamed with desire. Each item of clothing was hastily discarded, each part of her body caressed, gently at first and then more and more urgently. There was a burning coal in her stomach and its fire was spreading outwards and outwards until the very tips of her body were consumed by its heat. She tugged urgently at his shirt; she had to feel his naked skin on hers and in response he threw shirt and breeches roughly to one side. His fingers were thrilling her in ways she could not have imagined and when she felt she could bear it no longer, his mouth followed where his hands had led, melting her into an ecstasy that had to be fulfilled. In one swift movement he pulled her beneath him, covering her with his body. She felt him moving slowly against her, hard and ready.
‘Love me,’ she whispered.
But suddenly he was disengaging himself, setting their dress to rights, pulling them both to their feet. He met her bewildered gaze directly, but when he spoke it was as though the words were being dragged from him.
‘I must not. We must not…’ His voice trailed away.
She looked at him uncomprehendingly. Was this the cruellest twist of all, was this the way rakes disencumbered themselves from the women they no longer wanted? By bringing them to a frenzy of desire and then walking away? A minute ago, a second ago, she had shown him as plainly as any woman could that she needed his love in all its fullness. As any immodest woman could, she corrected herself flinching. She felt humiliated and desperate.
He turned away and gazed blindly into the distance. She heard his breath coming short and harsh. Then he swung round to face her, grabbing her hands and pulling her towards their waiting horses. Without a word he tossed her into the saddle and turned his mount towards the town. They rode in silence until they were once more outside the house in Marine Parade. He dismounted swiftly, springing up the front steps to summon Marston to the door. Ashen faced, Domino slid from her saddle and brushed past him into the open hallway. With a brief bow, he turned and led both horses away.
* * *
Once in the privacy of her bedroom, she allowed the tears to flow. How could this happen? Walking together this morning, she had felt closer to Joshua than ever before. He had never hidden his dislike of his family, but today she had realised for the first time the powerful hold the past still had on him. He had let down his guard and confided in her. She’d felt sad and distressed at the story. Angry, too, at his parents, at his brother, even at the friends he’d betrayed. None of them, it seemed, had really loved him, not enough to save him from himself. She had even begun to understand why, after that last catastrophic event, he had fallen into a rakish life. He must have thought himself permanently tainted, a danger, a bad omen for anyone unwise enough to get too close. But after all these years, he had allowed himself to get close—to her.
He’d sworn that the kisses they’d exchanged meant more to him than simple physical pleasure and she had gloried in the feeling of being wanted by the man she loved, even though their futures would remain separate and unchanged. She had given herself up to his lovemaking with such joy, such abandon—only to be made a fool of. How could he take her so far, only to spurn her? It could only be that he was playing with her. His fine words had been meaningless, spoken only to lure her into believing that she mattered to him, a notion destroyed forever by his rejection at the very moment they were to seal their love. It was a brutal but effective ploy. Their passionate encounters must have scared him. He had needed to rid himself of a clinging woman, make sure she would not importune him in future. Well, she too would do some ridding. She would smother her feelings; more, she would destroy them utterly, cut them off at their very roots and never ever let them bloom again.
* * *
Joshua slammed the door of his studio shut. He had no intention of painting, but he had to be alone, and this was the only room in the palace in which he could be sure of privacy. He had to be alone, he had to try to make sense of the morning’s events. Methodically he began to sort through a stack of old canvases which he intended to reuse; the tedium of the task allowed his mind to wander. The news that Domino did not intend to return to her aunts’ chaperonage had fallen on him like a lightning bolt. He was still trying to absorb its import when she was in his arms and asking to be loved. She was not going ahead with the arranged marriage because she could no longer wed a man for whom she had no feeling. That meant only one thing: she loved elsewhere. He’d known that he was the man she loved; it could not have been plainer. He had been carried away by the sheer physical delight of wanting her, but when she had breathed that command, when she had asked him to love her totally, the reality of the situation had hit him and hit him hard. He had paused long enough to realise that what they were doing was madness. She was in love with him and she was willing to give herself, without thought for the future, but h
e could not let her. It was too great a sacrifice; no longer a virgin, she would be consigned forever to spinsterhood—and, even worse, she would be cast out from society. He had pulled back instantly. He cared too much for her.
But now in the quiet of his room, with time to think and think deeply, he grew certain that in pulling back from the path on which they’d embarked, he was already too late: she had already sacrificed herself. He knew little of Spanish society, but enough to realise that in its eyes she had committed a grave sin. Whether she were a virgin or not was doubtless irrelevant; she had lain naked with a man and that in itself would place her beyond the pale. She would no longer be considered a suitable wife for any decent man. He could not believe he had done this to her. How could he have been so stupid as not to realise the true import of his actions? She had not realised either, he was sure, but she was young, trusting, blinded by love. It had been his responsibility to keep her safe and he had failed miserably. She would say that she did not care, that she had no wish to marry any man, but he knew from long experience of women that such vows rarely held. There would come a time when she did want to marry and she would have to confess to her intended husband something at least of her past. He was quite certain that, however mild the confession, it would damn her irrevocably. He had quite simply ruined her young life and could offer her no recompense.
Swept with remorse, he angrily tossed the pictures aside and walked to the open windows. An unkempt profusion of honeysuckle and dogwood looked back at him. How could he ever make it up to her? It was impossible, except…
The mad notion of asking her to be his wife flitted through his mind and was immediately dismissed. He spelt disaster for anyone who came too close. He could not possibly ask her to marry him. The old Joshua would have plunged in fearlessly, but not this one, not the man he had become. As long as he remained at a distance, he could not be responsible for another’s suffering. It was the only way to get through life. He could never return to the old Joshua.
Society's Most Scandalous Rake Page 15