by Terri Pray
A Dark Eden Press Publication
www.darkedenpress.com
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Play for Me Copyright© 2008 Terri Pray
Edited by Colleen Simpson
Cover art by Renee Rocco
Electronic book Publication: March 1, 2008
This book may not be reproduced or used in whole or in part by any means existing without written permission from the publisher, Dark Eden Press, Inc.® 629 Lisa St., Burleson, TX 76028
This book is a work of fiction and any resemblance to persons, living or dead, or places, events or locales is purely coincidental. The characters are productions of the authors’ imagination and used fictitiously.
Warning: This book may contain themes that could be considered controversial or offensive to some. Views expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of the Publisher. Dark Eden Press is not responsible for any action that a reader may take against another person. Publisher does not endorse or encourage readers to live out any particular fantasy.
Play for Me
Terri Pray
Chapter One
“Don’t look at me that way!” Tyler Jackson snarled, and pulled the large cushion from the edge of the bed. Long strands of dark hair half covered his eyes, his full lips turned upwards into a sneer, his knuckles whitened with the grip on the edge of the cushion in the moment before he threw it. “You never listen to me!”
Before Naomi had the chance to stop him, he’d flung it across the room with more force than she had thought he could muster. He missed her, but the dark blue cushion hit the end table and knocked her new coffee cup onto the floor. Her hands tightened, jaw clenching as she saw the cup shatter. It wasn’t often she treated herself to something new, and now – now he’d broken it in a fit of anger.
“I can’t stand that damn pitying look in your eyes. You don’t think that I can see how you look at me now! Why else would you be curled up with a blasted thing like that cushion?” Tyler nodded towards the cushion she cuddled most nights. “I know what’s going. I know how you feel towards me now. You pity me! I disgust you now. I’m not the man you married and you can’t stand that.” Her husband rocked forward in the wheelchair only to curse as it caught on the edge of a loose rug. “Look at me. I can’t even move across this bloody room without help! I’m a waste of time and space.”
Coffee seeped out across the carpet, adding to the stains she had tried hard to clean up over the last few months of explosive tempers. His moods switched from one extreme to the next, often with little or no warning, something she had struggled to come to accept without lashing out with her own anger or self pity.
It was a part of what he’d been through, the shock of it all, she knew that, understood that. It just didn’t make things any easier for them to deal with. Not when it meant she didn’t want to come home most nights. When she cried herself to sleep nine times out of ten. This wasn’t the life she had planned for, hoped for with him.
Neither of them had planned for this one.
Naomi took a deep breath, and tried to keep calm as she spoke. “It’s not you I pity, love. It’s me. I know that’s selfish of me. I just wanted to remember for a short while what it was like before…”
“Before I screwed up, you mean! Before I turned our world upside down?” Tyler snapped, his knuckles white as he gripped the arms of the chair. “Go on, say it. I know you’re thinking it. I say it to myself often enough. I know just how big a screw up I am.”
The growl made her back up quickly and the fury within his eyes was almost too much to stand. She could see it lash across his face, the way his lips narrowed, the tightening of a dozen lines around his eyes, the furrowing of his brow. Even if she hadn’t heard the fury in his voice she would have known how he felt just by looking at him.
How much longer would it be before he learned to control the temper?
No, not learned. Relearned. He had once been so patient. All those hours he’d spent teaching her, showing her the way through the confusion of her own thoughts and desires. Now – now she barely recognized him.
She barely recognized herself anymore.
“I – I destroyed everything we had, everything we ever wanted.” She watched as Tyler shook his head, heard the hiccup of what might have been a half-swallowed sob. “We had a life, a real life and it’s over. No wonder you pity me, hate me and count the days for when you finally come home to find me dead in this blasted chair.”
“You’re being too hard on yourself. You’re still the man I love. The outside has changed, not your heart, not your mind. You’re still my Tyler. I just wish you could see that. Everything you were is just hidden for now. It’s not gone. We just have to find a way to…”
“That’s not fair. I’m not the same man.” Her husband looked away from her, refusing to meet her gaze. “Don’t lie to me. Don’t pretend that I’m the same when we both know I’m not. It’s not fair to either of us. I’m trying to get this under control, the temper I mean. It’s just not working. I’m not strong enough to fix things. Not on my own. I’m never going to be the same man you fell in love with. Not where it counts. Never where it counts.”
No, that wasn’t fair. The outbursts had grown fewer with each passing month, but they still erupted with little or no warning. Just what had set this one off she didn’t know, but even with the thrown cushion she could see that it hadn’t reached the height that some of the others had. There hadn’t been any foul words tossed in her direction, neither had he thrown something that could have hurt her. But that still didn’t stop her wanting to rescue the cushion from the floor, to clean it off and hug it tight to her chest.
“Where it counts? Can’t you see that I don’t care what you look like? That wasn’t what drew me to you, Tyler. You know that.”
“Do I look stupid to you?”
“No, of course…” she began to protest.
“Then why do you think I would believe that. I’m trapped in this chair, in this useless body. I’m not the man you married anymore.” One hand formed into a tight fist as it slammed down onto the edge of his chair. “I know what has been taken from us. I know what I did to us, Naomi! Don’t try and patronize me.”
“It hasn’t… we could… I mean there has to be a way we can work things out. I’m not going to give up on us.”
“Get out! Just get out of my sight and leave me the hell alone! I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t even want to look at you!”
“No.” Naomi shook her head. Even now that had to be one of the hardest words to say to him.
His words. God, she’d never heard anything so harsh from him before. They’d stabbed into her heart. She had to push through this, focus, do what was best to help him. To save what they had together. “I’ve told you before. I won’t walk out on you. Not even when you are like this. Rant and rave at me all you want, but it’s not going to happen.” Every inch of her body had tensed to run, even though she knew it would be the wrong thing to do. Even leaving the room might help feed those self doubts that she had seen, more than once, running rampant within his gaze.
“Why… why do you stay with me?” His voice cracked. “You have other choices, there are men who could take care of you, who could feed your every desire and you choose to stay with me. I don’t understand it. There are so many men out there who would welcome you with open arms. You’re beautiful, unlike me.”
“Why do you think, love? For better or worse, remember? We both took that vow. We both meant it.” With the fury easing, she risked moving to him, resting her hand on his shoulder. “I love you. What has happened hasn’t damaged the love I feel towards you. If I have to keep on telling you that a hundred times a day I will.”
Protect, encourage and support him. How many times had they
told her those were the gifts he would need from her? Those were the keys to helping him grow back into the man he had been. Love only fed that drive to help him, and the hope that a part of him, that side of his nature that she needed more than she wanted to admit, would return soon.
She didn’t know how much longer she could hold onto the need within her. Naomi closed her eyes and took a deep breath, seeking some measure of calm. She couldn’t give into those desires, not until he was ready to face them again. Tears built behind her closed lids, forcing her to open them and blink the unwanted wetness away.
“I don’t deserve you in my life, love. I’ve known that for a long time. Even with the vow you could of walked out, perhaps you should have left me when I first threw something at you.” His hand reached for her and pulled her close. “You could have left, found someone else, yet you still stay with me. Through all of this, all the thrown cups, cushions, tears and rages. I don’t know why you do it for me.” He almost chuckled as he spoke. “I know more than a few would love to have you within their lives, at their feet. You should have found someone else to be with.”
Heat claimed her face. Did he know? Had he somehow found out how close she had come to betraying him? Did he know she was meeting another for coffee in just a few hours time? No, he’d have said. He’d have thrown it in her face in a fit of temper. Or he’d have lost control of himself and sobbed.
It was still a secret. For now at least. How much longer could she keep it a secret? She’d made a mistake, and there was only one way out of this. She had to make a choice, a real choice, on what she was going to do. Perhaps the hardest one of her life.
“It’s not just for that side of things, though I could never leave you,” she murmured against his neck, trying to hold back the tears. No, leaving him wasn’t an option, but other choices had been offered, were still offered. He’d now made it clear. She was free to explore her options. It didn’t make it right though. No, she knew it wasn’t right. “I stay for us. I love you. I need you. I don’t even want to imagine life without you.”
“You’ve stood by me through all of this and I don’t deserve you. Not after some of the things I’ve thrown at you. God, I could have hurt you. I still could. If I throw something at you and it hits you – I couldn’t live with myself.”
“The words were the hardest thing to cope with. I can dodge cushions, pillows, even cups, but some of what you’ve said to me they – they hurt, deeply.” Naomi leaned into his touch and closed her eyes.
She could wipe away the scars on his face, the chair, all the hurt, just as long as she didn’t look at him.
No, that wasn’t right. She had to learn to accept him, all of him, how he was now. Not how he had been before the accident.
“I thought you’d leave me.”
“And that gave you the right to call me a bitch?”
“I was trying to drive you away before you left of your own accord. I thought that maybe you’d be better off with someone else. I was afraid of losing you slowly and just figured it would be easier on us both if we ended it quickly.”
“You want to be rid of me?”
“No, never. I just – I don’t know what I was thinking. Half the time when I lose control of my temper I’m not thinking at all. It’s as though I’m lost and can’t find my way back to you.” Tyler shook as he spoke.
Hadn’t she already lost a part of him though? His strength had become buried, the man she had married was now gone and a shadow sat in his place.
“I don’t want to leave you. Not now, not ever,” she murmured. “I’ve been trying so hard to shut out the hurt, to think about how you’ve been coping with the pain, the changes. You should have seen some of the research I did in the first couple of months. All those books I brought home, I was trying to find the best way of helping you recover.”
“I’m never going to fully recover from this. We both know that. It’s time we accepted it and found a way to…”
“Yes, but we could find a balance. A way that we reclaim some of what we’ve lost,” Naomi pressed. “Together we can find a way. We just have to work on it.”
“I shouldn’t have snapped at you,” he continued, holding her close, his body trembling as he spoke. “I just… I have an idea, if you are up to it. Tonight?”
“Tonight? What about it?” Her thoughts returned to their conversation. “What are you talking about?”
“I want you to prepare, like you used to. A bath, shave, scent, everything we used to do.” His voice shook. “I know it won’t be the same, but will you give it a chance? Please, for us? If you’re serious about this, I mean.”
A chance? Would it be worth the risk, the tears she would lock up if it failed for that slim hope he had come up with something? Was their relationship worth the risk? Yes, the simple answer was yes. She’d risk anything for him, for them. Even if it meant tearing her heart in two.
She glanced towards the clock as discreetly as she could. The last thing she needed would be for Tyler to see her attention was elsewhere, if even for a moment. But she knew that there was someone waiting for her. God, what sort of wife had she turned into? Here she was, in his arms, with her husband asking her to agree to a night together and she was thinking of another man? And just moments ago she’d been telling him how hard she had searched to find a way to help them live a semi-normal life again.
Heat flushed through her cheeks. Whatever Tyler wanted, she’d agree to it. He deserved that much from her.
“Say you’ll try it for me, love. Please. I know with how I’ve been acting of late I’d deserve it if you just told me to go to hell, but just one night. It could be like it was before between us.”
Telling him no would be more than he could take. Hadn’t the doctors warned her just how much work encouraging him would take? They’d explained it all very clearly to her. How she would have to explain things to him, support him, put her heart on the line if she wanted him to take a step into living fully again.
It was more than that, though. Even with her doubts, a part of her wanted to try. She needed to know if the man she’d married really did exist somewhere within him. He had to be there. He was a strong man. She’d seen that first hand with him. All the joy they had shared, they could have it again if they could only find a way.
A flicker of hope soared into life. Memories of just what they had shared, how it could be that way again. There would be some changes of course. She knew that, accepted it, but she was willing to work for it.
Not just for her, but for them both, for the love they still shared.
But what if it backfired?
“Yes, I’ll do it.” She didn’t know exactly what she was agreeing to, but the old routine was one she recalled fondly. The bath, shaving and soft scent he liked her to wear had been the start of many a wonderful evening between them. Those small, familiar steps that she’d taken before she’d come to him, to kneel at his feet and submit to him again and again.
It could be that way again. In her heart she knew that, accepted it, even if she feared the amount of work it would take to get there.
“Thank you. I know it can’t be easy for you. It isn’t for me. I don’t even know if it will work. I know you’re afraid that I’ll lose control again, start shouting, ranting at you, throw something, or worse, but I promise you it won’t be that way.” Tyler shifted in the chair, his voice quieter now, calmer than it had been before.
Good, whatever he had in mind had eased his temper. Helped him to shift his focus once more.
Naomi smiled. Maybe he really had come up with something that would work for them. Even if he could only offer something small, a few swats, or tight grasp in her hair at the right moment it would be a thread to hold onto whilst he regained his strength. If he could learn some new ways of feeding their shared need it might be enough to stop her from cracking.
Or going elsewhere.
If they couldn’t find an answer then she would be left with the choice of ignoring the desires wi
thin her or taking that dangerous step into another relationship with someone who might be able to answer her need.
Chapter Two
She shouldn’t have agreed to this meeting. Even as she sat in the coffee shop, her hands folded onto her lap, she knew this had been a mistake. Naomi glanced toward the door, then back at the man on the other side of the table. Leaving now wouldn’t work either. Bad manners. She had to work things out, explain it to him. To herself. She didn’t need to be labeled as a troublemaker at the local group and, if she just walked out, she’d have to deal with the aftermath.
No. She had enough to deal with right now without making matters a hundred times worse.
“You don’t have to keep holding on like this, Naomi. I can see what the strain has done to you. You’re a shadow of your old self. You’re ready to crack, and I don’t blame you. I doubt you’ve had a moment to relax since the accident. You don’t have to be this way around me.” Jake Winter spoke calmly as the waitress set down the two large mugs of coffee. “I’ve seen how you’ve spent nearly every moment with him. I don’t think anyone at the club expected you to go on this long with him, without seeking some sort of help, but you’ve not even hired a nurse or tried to get him into a center. You’re going to burn yourself out.”
He reached out for his drink, pulling it closer before he leaned back in the chair.
Naomi smiled. He looked immaculate. Blond hair, deep blue eyes, a crisp-cut lightweight shirt and beige pants, Jake was every inch the perfect man on the outside. More than one set of female eyes had lit up when he’d walked into the coffee shop. Each one had followed his path between the tables, only to frown when he sat down at Naomi’s table.
He wanted her, not them, not some woman from the street or a bar, or a singles club, but a woman who knew how to bend, how to writhe against the cruel hold of a frame, or St. Andrew’s cross.