“Joseph and I are good friends, nothing more.”
“And Layla, she wouldn’t accept that?”
“For a while. But she knows the truth now. I just wish I’d been clear with her sooner. If I had been, she and Joseph would still be together. Ironically, she’s the one who feels guilty, when really it should be me. No, hang on, it is me.”
“Hey, babe.” Aiden took her face in his hands. “No regrets, huh? We said that, didn’t we? What’s done is done, but we’ll make it better between them, don’t worry.”
Holding her close, he continued, “We’ll make everything better, you’ll see.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
IT WAS TOO GOOD TO LAST. The baby was crying again, screaming the living room down, in fact. Hannah, who had been rocking her at the time, hurriedly handed her back to Penny, mumbled some excuse about the dishes, and disappeared into the kitchen.
Scarlett’s crying usually set every nerve ending in Penny’s body on edge. In her opinion, it was the only sound worse than the slow drag of chalk on slate, but surprisingly, her nerve endings weren’t suffering too badly today. Despite Scarlett’s screams and protests, Penny felt happy, excited even. Although excited about what, she didn’t know. Just then, Richard came back into the room, his hair still damp from the shower he had just taken. Oh, yes, that’s what she was excited about—him.
Last night, when they were absolutely sure Scarlett was screaming in some dream world somewhere, scaring to death all the cutesy pink bunnies and fluffy black kittens that inhabited such realms, they had dared to move her from in between them to the travel cot. She was amazed Richard had thought to bring it, but then again, he had stuffed most of Scarlett’s belongings into the car he had hired for the journey. How he had seen out of the back window, she didn’t know. Amazingly, the baby hadn’t stirred at all. Rubbing her hands together in barely suppressed glee, Penny had tiptoed back to bed and snuggled up against her husband—the first time in an age.
It had felt so good to hold him close again, to breathe in his familiar scent, to just be the two of them. Couple time, she was beginning to realize, was as essential as family time—if you wanted to maintain a healthy relationship, that is. He had immediately started kissing her, how much he’d been missing her making itself very evident.
Pulling briefly away, a frown had marked his face.
“Do you think we should do this? You know, with Scarlett in the room?”
“She’s fast asleep, Richard. As long as we’re quiet, we’ll get away with it.”
And she had to hand it to him; he had been impressively quiet, moving slowly but purposefully inside her, his breathing ragged, but softly ragged. Afterward, she had lain in his arms, sure their luck was about to run out, that Scarlett would wake at any minute. But she hadn’t. She had made it, like them, right through to morning.
And now here he was again, standing in front of her, a lazy smile on his chiseled face.
“What’s that for?” she asked, smiling too.
“What?” He was toying with her, she knew.
“That look?”
“I’m just thinking of the day ahead, that’s all.”
“Oh?” She raised an eyebrow at him.
“We’re going to attempt another family day out, and this time we’re taking a jar.”
Penny and Richard had decided to spend the day around Trecastle, wander at leisure around the castle ruins and visit St. Michael’s, also on the headland. The ancient parish church dated back to the eleventh century. The atmosphere inside was serene, and miraculously, it soothed the baby. She seemed to calm completely within the confines of its cold stone walls, and because she was calm, Penny was too.
Built in the shape of a cross, there was a stand with candles burning on the right-hand side. Handing the baby over to Richard, who was busy reading each and every epitaph, she made her way there. After a few moments, Richard ambled after her.
“What are you doing?” he asked as she tumbled some loose change into a pot that sat beside a box of tea lights.
“Lighting candles,” she explained. “One for Tara and one for Layla. I think they could both use a bit of divine intervention right now.”
Shifting Scarlett over to his left arm, Richard put his right around Penny and squeezed her tight. When Layla had gone to her room last night, Penny had caught him up on everything. His eyes had clouded over when she told him about Tara.
“Poor girl,” he had said. “That’s so unfair.”
When she confessed how she had stupidly planted the idea of pregnancy into Layla’s head, he had rolled his eyes.
“Penny.” The admonishment was clear in his voice.
“Don’t,” she had begged. “You can’t be any angrier with me than I am with myself at the moment.”
“I’m not angry with you,” he had assured her, kissing her instead.
But still, standing there, in the church, in front of the twinkling tea lights, she couldn’t help but feel guilty because she was happy. She wanted everyone to be happy—Tara and Aiden, Layla and Joseph too. They deserved to be.
“Come on,” said Richard, clearly sensing the change of mood in his wife. “Let’s get out of here, go down to the beach instead.”
On the glistening sands, they walked side by side, Penny contentedly pushing the pram, its all-terrain wheels gliding along. As the atmosphere in the church had calmed Scarlett, so the sea air tired her—she was fast asleep again. Note to self, Penny thought Take her down to the beach in Brighton more often if it has this effect.
Richard obviously hadn’t noticed. “Stop a minute, Penny. I’ll get her out, show her the sea.”
“No,” Penny said, tapping at his hand. “Scarlett’s asleep. Leave her.”
Richard stopped what he was doing and stared at her, aghast.
“What?” Penny queried.
“You called her Scarlett,” Richard said, astonishment in his voice.
“Yes,” she replied. “Because that’s her name. Scarlett.”
“I know that,” he went on, “but I was beginning to think you didn’t.”
“What do you mean?” she asked. She had chosen it, insisted on it. He had wanted something traditional, like Edith—Edith, for God’s sake!
“You know what I mean. You usually refer to her as ‘the baby.’ This is one of a handful of times.” He stopped, inclined his head, and thought for a moment. “Do you know, it might even be the first time I’ve heard you say it.”
“Oh, don’t be so ridiculous,” she started to say and then stopped. He was right, she knew it. There was no point denying it. Briefly, she wondered why she had found it so hard to call Scarlett by her name. Was it a way of distancing herself from her? It took a few moments to realize she was crying. Yes, that was the reason why.
“Hey, Penny.” Immediately, Richard was holding her. “It’s all right. I’m here.”
“Thank God you are,” she sobbed into his shoulder. How single parents coped, she didn’t know. They were a breed apart. A breed she stood in awe of.
“I’m so sorry,” she continued. The guilt she had felt up at the church expanded to include Scarlett too. She thought the weight of it might crush her completely. She was a dreadful mother to feel the way she did. She didn’t deserve to be blessed. An injunction should be taken out against her as far as babies were concerned. With each troubled thought, her body shook harder.
“Penny, come on. We’re okay. There’s no need to cry.”
“Oh, Richard,” she managed in between sobs. “There’s every need to cry.”
He looked stricken all of a sudden. “Is it…is it because you don’t love her?”
“No.” Penny was horrified he could even think such a thing. “I do love Scarlett. I really love her. That’s the trouble.”
“That’s the trouble?” Richard repeated.
“Yes…No…Oh, I don’t know.”
“Maybe you don’t,” Richard continued, this time a little more sure of himself, “but I
think I might. If I say what I think, will you promise not to bite my head off?”
“Richard, I’m not that bad, for goodness sake,” she protested.
“Penny, you are.”
Curiosity won out over the need to retaliate. “Go on then,” she said. “What’s wrong with me?”
“Postnatal depression,” he replied.
“Wha—”
“Hear me out,” he pleaded. “When I went into the office to tell them I had to take emergency leave, Mr. Torrence…James asked me what was wrong, naturally.”
“Naturally,” Penny repeated, only slightly sarcastically.
“Well, we got talking. Thankfully, I’d thought to bring a bottle of milk to keep Scarlett quiet. I…Well, I told him how things were.”
“How I was, you mean.”
“Don’t get defensive,” Richard warned.
“I’m not,” lied Penny. “Carry on.”
“He and his wife’s first child, she was a…you know…a difficult baby, right from the start. He was at work all day; she was alone with the baby, and she spiraled pretty quickly. She ended up having a sort of a breakdown, needed a stay in hospital. A short stay, but nonetheless she needed treatment.”
“Poor thing.” Penny was immediately sympathetic.
“Some of the symptoms of postnatal depression: mood swings, a lack of interest in the world around you, tiredness—and, yes, I know you’ve been tired for a good reason. Scarlett does seem to hold a bit of a grudge against sleeping—well, they’re some of the symptoms that I’ve noticed in you. Maybe, you know…”
“I might have it,” Penny finished for him. “Yes, Richard, I think I might. I’ve got something, anyway, something I’d rather not have. Mrs. Torrence, what happened?”
“She got counseling, support as well, from her husband and her local health visitor, who was fantastic, apparently, and is now a good friend. Basically, she pulled through. They went on to have two more kids, and they might even have more.”
So, it didn’t last forever. That was a relief.
“Penny, I know I’ve been remiss. But that talk with James, it hit home. I’d have been better off spending my time researching depression than baby-led weaning.”
“Amen to that,” Penny replied, but she was smiling as she said it.
“I’m sorry. I should have been most astute. I should have noticed.”
“And I should have been more up front, more honest with you about how I felt. But some things, you know, they’re not easy to say.”
She was going to say more, but the look on his face stopped her.
“What is it, Richard? What’s so funny?”
Richard looked on the point of convulsions. “You,” he spluttered. “I never thought I’d hear the words ‘some things aren’t easy to say’ coming from your mouth.”
Affronted, she was about to point out she hadn’t let slip what she’d heard between Joseph and Tara on that evening beside the honey shop when she remembered what she had let slip: Tara being sick and the possibility she might be pregnant, causing Layla to buy a one-way ticket on the wrong flight of fancy. He had a point, she conceded. Keeping schtum wasn’t something she was renowned for.
Thankfully, it didn’t take long for Richard to gain control of himself. “Look, dry your eyes, and we’ll go for a cup of tea. We can talk more.”
“Tea?” Penny almost spat the word back at him. “A glass of wine, more like.”
“Penny!” Shock replaced the mirth on Richard’s face. “Not in front of the baby.”
“That’s what you said last night,” she reminded him, “when we were in bed. Didn’t stop you, though, did it? Come on; follow me. We’re going to the pub.”
Hannah was working a shift at the bar. “Hi, guys,” she greeted them as they entered. “What are you having? It’s on the house.”
Richard ordered while Penny settled them at a table closest to the window. Miraculously, Scarlett was still sleeping, snoring even, and emitting little snuffling noises. Despite feeling raw, Penny smiled at the sound.
“That’s better,” said Richard, returning with a glass of wine for her, large she was glad to note, and a pint of Tribute for him. “That’s more like the Penny I know.”
Taking her drink from him, she drank half of it down in one go before setting it on the table, ignoring Richard’s raised eyebrow as she did so. Through the door, some local people she recognized came in and were greeted warmly by Hannah also.
She took a deep breath and picked up where they had left off on the beach. “It’s just, I find it all so frightening at times, you know?”
“Find what frightening?” Richard was about to take a sip of his beer but paused.
“Being responsible for a whole new life. The enormity of it, it’s…it’s incredible.”
Richard placed his pint back on the table untouched. Looking over to where Scarlett lay slumbering, he narrowed his eyes.
Oh, great, thought Penny, here we go. He’s going to start banging on about how there’s nothing scary about it, that having a kid is great, blah, blah, blah.
She nearly fell off her chair when he shrugged his shoulders and sighed heavily before replying, “Yeah, yeah, it is.”
“It is?”
“Look, Penny, I’m not a fool, despite what you may think. That chat with James, these past few days without you, they’ve opened my eyes. When you left me alone with Scarlett, you know what I did? The very first thing? I panicked. Without you to fall back on, I started spiraling too. It can get a bit intense at times with Scarlett.”
“A bit?” That was putting it mildly.
“But you know what?” he continued. “I think she gets that off of us. No, hang on, don’t interrupt. Let me explain. You’re tense around her, and you and me, we’re tense around each other. I don’t know; we’re just whipping up so much damn tension between the three of us, we don’t stand a chance.”
What he was saying, not only did it make sense, it was something her sleep-deprived brain had suspected—that they all plugged into one other. It didn’t excuse the fact that she was crap at this mothering business, though, and she said as much.
“Rubbish.” Richard actually looked quite angry that she could even suggest it. “You are not a crap mum, Penny. You’re great. No, I’m going to go the whole hog here. You’re brilliant. All right, okay, it’s fair to say you’re not your typical Earth Mother. You hate cooking, and you don’t knit, but you’ve got your own way, and that’s good enough. Besides which,” he added, “Earth Mothers wear dungarees, don’t they? I don’t think I’d fancy you in dungarees.”
“You think I’m brilliant?” she whispered, again having to double check.
“Yes, I do. And don’t worry, there’s nothing wrong with your hearing.” He smiled at her, his eyes twinkling now. “But, I do recognize we’ve had a few…teething problems,” he continued, clearly proud of his play on words. “I need to be more supportive; I know that. I’ll do a few night shifts if you like. Well, one or two anyway.”
“Oh, Richard, if you could, that would be great,” Penny felt lighter all of a sudden. “Maybe take over at the weekend or something when you don’t have to get up so early in the morning. If I can get a good night’s sleep once in a while, it would make all the difference, I’m sure.”
“Yep, no worries.”
“And bath times? Perhaps you can take over that particular ritual too.”
“But she hates bath time.” Richard looked horrified. “She always makes such a fuss.”
“Exactly.”
“Okay, okay,” he relented. “I can do that too.”
Reaching for his pint, he was the one who gulped it now, the liquid disappearing from the glass at an impressive rate. Wiping his mouth afterward, he looked relaxed again.
“Feeling better?” he asked.
“Much better.” She smiled, draining her glass. “I’m so glad you came, both of you.”
“Me too,” he replied, and then, leaning forward and winking a
t her in a suggestive manner, he whispered, “And hopefully the little lady will leave us to get on with a few nocturnal activities of our own again tonight.”
Penny frowned. “Actually, she won’t sleep at all tonight if I don’t wake her up now. She’s been out for the count for ages.”
Slipping swiftly back into mother mode, Penny stood. She was just about to bend over the pram to retrieve Scarlett when she caught movement at the door. Joseph had walked in with Mick.
Immediately, his eyes locked on to hers then looked around to see whose company she was keeping. He hesitated before coming over. “Hi, Penny,” he said, rather curtly, she thought. To Richard, he was a little friendlier. “Hey, Richard, good to see you back in Trecastle.”
Richard got up. “You too, mate. How have you been?”
Penny rolled her eyes. Why did he have to ask that? He knew perfectly well how Joseph had been.
“Yeah, fine,” Joseph mumbled.
But he looked far from fine. His face was unshaven, his eyes dull.
“Anyway, have fun whatever you’re doing,” Joseph continued, backing away.
Penny looked from Joseph to Richard, then back again.
“Joseph, wait,” she said, going after him.
“What is it, Penny?” he said, an edge back in his voice.
“Layla, you know she really is sorry about what happened. I am too.”
“Where is she?” he asked.
“Layla? I…She…Well, she went to see Tara, actually.”
He started visibly. That wasn’t the answer he had expected.
“I’m sure she’ll come and see you soon, though,” she added in appeasement.
“I don’t think so.”
“Why not?” Penny was taken aback by his absolute conviction.
“If she was going to come and see me, she would have done so by now.”
“Joseph! That’s not fair. It was only yesterday all this happened.”
“Life isn’t fair, though, is it? We’ve learned that lately.”
“She loves you,” Penny insisted.
“But she doesn’t trust me.”
“Joseph—”
The Runaway Ex Page 23