I go to my locker, and hear him come in after. He goes to his locker and pulls out his shirt and switches out the other one. I squint as I rummage through my crap.
I find it all and hop in the bathroom to change and clean up a bit. I run water through my hair and study my face. Dark circles. I haven’t looked this bad, felt this bad, since I left Zach over a year ago.
Ryan’s already headed out on deck when I get out, and I follow him, trying to catch up as I throw my whistle over my head.
“Where you been?”
He glares at me, then looks over my face, pausing at the circles on my eyes, and softens. Slightly. “Busy. Why?”
“Just, haven’t seen you at work.”
“Didn’t think you’d notice,” he says, walking again towards the group of guards waiting for us.
“Ryan, wait up.”
“What?” He turns, and I’m tongue tied by the hard look on his face. What do I even say now? I shouldn’t have to explain the other night.
Funny that just shutting him out of my apartment while letting another guy stay did more to push him away than anything I said or did that was inconsiderate or rude. I guess since he’s a good guy, he’s stuck when it’s my choice and I’m choosing someone else.
I yawn and check the clock. Eight o’ clock trainings are a bitch. I should have swung by the store for an energy drink or something to keep me going. I need to figure a way to get Zach out. The sooner he’s gone, the sooner I go back to sleeping fine and being less confused.
If I go home and see him, and start listening to him, he’ll just try to talk me back into things, and I don’t want that right now. I just want to be on my own, like maybe I should have instead of being with him in the first place. I stretch with another exaggerated yawn and Ryan turns back to me, an irritated look in his green eyes.
“You okay to train?”
“Sure,” I say, pulling my shirt back down in the front. “Never better.”
His eyes narrow and he looks me over, then folds his arms. “Not getting much sleep, huh? Your friend still there?”
I blush at the implication. It makes me angry. I don’t owe Ryan any explanation. He’s the one who kissed me in the hallway. I didn’t give him any reason to believe there was more to it, that we were suddenly gonna be exclusive.
“Who’s staying at your place?” he asks quietly.
“No one.”
He looks pissed again, and I gotta say it looks good on him, hardening his features and tightening his muscles. “Fine. You start drills in the river.”
“Fine.”
I want to talk to him about the other night. I want to explain things. I’m not sure what to say. I want to tell him my ex-husband is staying with me, and ask his advice. I want to ask for his help. But I have no right.
He’s crouching by the lap pool, talking to one of the guards who is probably trying to get out of the warm up. I wish he’d push harder, wish he’d care more.
But just as I thought, without the security of sex, he’s not interested. He thinks I’m sexing up someone else, and now he doesn’t give a shit about my life.
I just don’t get it. I just don’t get him at all.
“Get in with tubes, we’re doing saves between tubes.” My half of the guards grumble and pull tubes off of the stakes holding them by the lazy river. No one likes doing rescues in the river, both because of the current, and because it’s hard to drag someone to safety with rubber tubes everywhere in your face, but we gotta practice anyway. If there’s one thing I’m good at it’s doing unpleasant things because you have to.
Like chasing away the best guy you’ve ever met because he deserves better than you. I blow my whistle to stop several of them who are whining and avoiding getting in. I wave at them to start around the river, and I go around the other side.
After a couple hours of drilling, everyone’s done at least one forward facing rescue. I dismiss them to get food and get ready. Park opens at eleven.
My stomach growls, and I press my hand into it to tell it to shut up. I need to save everything I can to hopefully get Zach home sooner. I’m nearly there. Payday tomorrow and I’ll be done with all of this.
I do go home occasionally, but I try to avoid Zach. It’s too hard to see him.
I feel slightly dizzy, and put a hand out to the side to steady myself. Probably just low blood sugar. Man, I thought I was more stable than this. I haven’t been living like this since I first ran from Zach. And here I am again, running from Zach.
I don’t have anyone I can go to. So much is the same as it was. And I’ve pushed away the best friend I had. I shake my head, to see if I can shake off the fuzziness, but it just gets more dark. I stumble forward, hoping I’m going in the opposite direction of the pool. I’m going to pass out, and all of the guards are gone.
Ryan
Training is over, everyone’s leaving the deck, and I’m staring at Ally. I thought the other night was just right, but I guess passion isn’t enough. I saw what she liked, and she kept him and sent me away. I haven’t dealt with a lot of rejection.
It wasn’t just the dude in her apartment, it’s the way she reiterated we’d only be friends with benefits right before. The way she let me kiss her and make her happy even though there was another man she’d be spending the night with behind the door while we made out.
I feel betrayed, and used, and she shut the door and didn’t even allow me the chance to show her how I felt. I was just shut out in the cold. Now she comes to work and expects something normal, for me to smile and cow to her like usual, and I just don’t feel like it.
I’m not the rock she thinks I am. I’m not this innocent, stupid pig. I know what I want and I went for it and it’s okay for her to not want it, but knowing what it means to me, she should have said something before, and not after, we made out.
It wasn’t even making out. I was trying to show her something, trying to communicate something without words, and I thought she was saying the same back.
Then she opened her mouth and said the opposite of what I’d been feeling, and I realized I’m not sure anymore what is a truth and what is a lie with her.
She’s been confusing me, tying me around her finger, ever since she’s known me, and I’m getting tired of it.
There’s no winning with her. She’s always in control, she always wins. She’s always the strongest. She doesn’t need, or want, me. She just thought I was interesting and foreign, but not good enough. Not badass enough.
A loud splash startles me out of my thoughts. Ally isn’t in front of me anymore. I run towards the river, where she last was. No other guards are around. I slide and come to a stop right before the river, and see a red guard jersey first, then a pale body inside it. Ally. I jump in and turn her over, thinking she merely fainted. Bad move. There’s a gash on her head. She must have hit the wall on the way down. I need to treat it like a spinal.
I grab my whistle and blow on it, long, over and over. “I need a backboard,” I shout. My voice booms over the deck, and I’m shocked at how loud I can be when I want to. I make a vice around Ally and roll her over into a spinal compression. At least she’s breathing. I continue to whistle. Why won’t she wake up? Why can’t she hear this? I stare down at her face as I blow. So peaceful. Dark circles under her eyes.
How can someone be so fragile and so strong at the same time? Or maybe she just seems strong. Maybe that’s her shell, like quietness is mine. Maybe there’s always been a part of me that wants to pay back what she tried to do for me in pulling me out of my shell. Maybe I wanted to pull her out of her shell too. Her stupidly independent, over-compensatingly strong self.
She’s so thin in my arms. I should have kept bringing her sandwiches. Doesn’t she get that I want to take care of her? I don’t want her to suffer, even if she isn’t with me.
I clutch her and move against the current to keep her straight as emotions wash over me. I push them back. I need to be perfect right now. I can’t think about Ally as
the girl I’m in love with, the girl who woke me out of a stupor over a year ago. I need to think of her as a victim, and get her the right care.
The others come and I’m still blowing my whistle. I can’t stop, even as I float her over to the backboard and remove my hands and let the others strap her down. Only when she’s out of the water does the whistle finally fall out of my mouth. I breathe in gasps. Amy pats my shoulder, asks if I’m okay.
I’m not.
I’m not. That’s the girl I love there, bleeding, unconscious on a backboard. Because she fainted. Because she needed help, and I should have known without her saying anything that she needed me. I mean she was sleeping in her car for Pete’s sake. Why didn’t I say anything? Why was I so caught up in my own jealousy?
“She’s breathing but she won’t wake up. Call an ambulance,” Amy says. It pulls me out of my grief and has me jumping out of the pool and rushing over to her. I want to throw myself over her, protect her from everyone’s eyes, because I know it would kill her to be like this. Unconscious on a backboard, everyone seeing her weakness.
This is the Ally behind the armor, and I don’t want anyone else to see it. Amy calls an ambulance and I stay by Ally, calling to her, checking to make sure she’s breathing.
The ambulance pulls up outside and the paramedics come in. They put her on a stretcher of their own, and I follow them as they wheel it out. “I’m her boyfriend,” I say, though it’s a lie.
They just nod at me and let me follow them to the ambulance. I’m her friend, and maybe the closest she has to family here. I have no way of letting the guy at her apartment know what’s happening, so I’ll go take care of it. I’ll make sure they take good care of her.
“Should I meet you at the hospital?” Amy asks. “I’m not on shift today.”
“First call Knight. Tell him what happened. He’ll know what to do.” I need him to make sure the park is staffed properly before it opens in an hour.
“Ryan,” Amy says softly, touching my arm. She has such a motherly air about her, mature and caring. It goes with her soft image and soft brown hair. “You did everything you could. You probably saved her life. Calm down.”
I’m shocked that she can see how riled up I am, even though I was talking calmly. I blink a couple of times and nod. “Okay.” I jump in the ambulance with the paramedics to ride to the hospital with Ally. I need to protect her.
Chapter 16
“You fainted. Probably from hunger and exhaustion. Have you had any additional or unusual stress lately?” the doctor asks, flipping a piece of paper over his clipboard.
I frown, because my head feels like crap and I don’t feel like answering questions until I know where I am.
“You knocked your head on the way down, and that didn’t help. Tests show you have a mild concussion, but you should recover fully soon.”
It’s like he’s speaking through water, and my brain hurts just trying to understand it. Concussion? Fainting? What the hell is he talking about? I look slowly around me, because it hurts just to have my eyes open, and I see equipment all around me. I’m lying on a hospital bed. There are tubes in my arm. For what?
“That’s a saline drip for dehydration. You’re free to go home when you’re ready, but you’ll need to eat and rest, and stay with someone who can watch you for changes in behavior. You won’t be safe to drive, either.”
“I’ll drive her,” a deep voice says from behind me. The doctor nods and leaves, and Ryan steps into view. His clothes are wrinkled, and his hair is half in, half out of his ponytail. He leans over the bed to take my hand and give it a squeeze. It’s so tender that it brings tears to my eyes. Or maybe my head just hurts.
I can’t believe you can faint from just being hungry or tired. It’s so humiliating. I remember now. The guards left and I passed out in the river. I think it was the river. I guess I’m lucky, I should have drowned. I pull my hand out of Ryan’s.
“How long have I been out?”
“A while,” he says quietly. He sits on a stool next to the bed and looks me over.
“What happened?”
“You passed out—”
“Yeah, I know that part, what happened after?”
He grins slightly and pulls hair out of his face. “I pulled you out. You scared me to death.”
“Thank you,” I say, feeling embarrassed. It’s still bright outside the hospital window, I can tell through the closed blinds. “I’m glad you were there.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there sooner.” His eyes close for a moment, then meet mine in a way that sends a shock through me. This guy has always had an effect on me, from the first moment I saw him, so quiet, and strong, all by himself, refusing to talk to anyone, including me.
Now he talks all the time. And saves me from drowning. And kisses me in the hallway. I reach up to pull him down to me for a kiss, but he resists.
“I want to say thank you,” I say.
“Not like that,” he says.
“Like what?”
He looks to the side. “When you have someone staying with you.”
I blink, and then remember that Zach is staying with me. Zach, of course. I need to get to work. I need today’s shift. I’m going to need all of next paycheck since this one is going to Zach. Speaking of pay…
“Crap, why did you take me here? I can’t afford a hospital.”
“We had to call an ambulance, you wouldn’t wake up,” he says matter of factly, as if he’s never had to weigh the cost of healthcare in a decision to get treatment or not.
Despair rolls through me. I can’t pay this bill. I can’t pay Zach’s bill. When am I going to have my life back? The longer Zach’s around, the more bad things will happen.
“I thought you were mad at me,” I say, focusing on Ryan because I can’t frankly handle thinking about anything else.
He frowns and folds his arms, stares out at the blinds for a moment, then turns back to me. “I’m sorry. I was being a jerk. I was jealous.”
Now it’s my turn to scowl. “Don’t let me off that easily. I was a jerk too. I should have explained about Zach.”
“Zach?” His eyes widen slightly.
“My ex-husband. The one who is staying with me.”
His jaw clenches, and a muscle twitches at the side of his eyes. But at least he isn’t jumping all over me, at least he’s letting me explain. If I knew someone I was friends with was staying with their abusive ex, I’d be all over them for sure. But that’s why I like Ryan, he’s not like me.
“Don’t look at me like that. That’s why I didn’t tell you. He surprised me out of nowhere. He agreed to go, but he spent everything to get here. He needs money to get home. I’ve been sleeping in my car till I could get paid.” I throw my hands up as tears gather in my eyes. “But now that’ll all be for bills, and I can’t get rid of him.”
Ryan opens his mouth, but I hold out a finger to his lips. “And don’t offer to help, because I would hate you for it. Hate you. Do you get that? You can’t save me from this. I don’t want you to. You get involved, and I’ll hate you forever.”
He closes his mouth, his lips tense and drawn. “Ally…”
“Don’t Ally me. Don’t make me regret telling you. I don’t need help, I just wanted to explain, because I can’t stand it. The silence between us. The hurt on your face because you didn’t know who was staying with me. I need you Ryan. I can’t have things like they’ve been the last few days. Maybe it took a bonk on the head to say that, but I do need you.”
He takes a deep breath and lets it out. “Ally…”
“Just let me finish. Just be my friend, on my terms. I need your sandwiches, and I need your kindness. I need you to be different from guys like Zach, and I need you to stop pushing me.”
“You don’t know what you need,” he says, lifting dark green eyes to meet mine. “You’re always sending mixed messages. I want to help you, but not just the ways you want. I want to help the ways you need, not the ways you think you need.
”
I put my hands over my ears and shake my head. I can’t. I can accept sandwiches, and companionship, but nothing bigger than that. I can’t be dependent again. It’s a bad sign to need someone, it’s bad to let them in. There are so many strings.
I depended on Zach, and look where that went. Even now, those strings are still there. I still owe him. I’m sacrificing my own money and sleep even now because I owe him and can’t just throw him in the street.
I don’t need more obligations, even to someone like Ryan.
“I need you to go,” I say, even though I don’t know what I’ll do if he does. I don’t know where I’ll go. Maybe I could just walk off somewhere and disappear. Maybe it’s just my head hurting and feeling foggy, but I just can’t think of a way out of my life.
I can’t pay this hospital bill, and between that and Zach, I won’t be able to pay rent. I have no one to stay with. I refuse to put Amy out, and I can’t rely on Ryan like that. Maybe I’ll have to go to a shelter, but then I might lose my job. Or get attacked. I hold my hands even tighter to my head. I can’t steady myself, and panic is threatening to drown me. I’m the opposite of a badass, and I want my badass back.
Warm hands slide over mine, pulling them down and away from my head. Ryan wipes a tear gently from under my eyes.
“It’s alright Ally, it’s going to be all right.”
I close my eyes and another tear squeezes out, and for a moment, I just lean into his hand, feeling the warmth on my cheek. The safety, the comfort, of being taken care of. He wipes the tear away with his thumb.
“Don’t worry Ally. It’s going to be okay.”
“I don’t know what to do anymore,” I say, eyes still closed, because I’m too ashamed to look at him right now. “I just can’t handle it all anymore.”
He sighs and wipes away another tear. It’s such a soft and interesting gesture. He’s not telling me not to cry, he’s just helping me deal with it. I let my head hang in his hand.
“Can’t you let me help? With all of it?”
Harder Page 18