Look at him. The waters of Babylon. Talking in voices like a sheep. The man is trying to work himself into tears like a little boy who is afraid of a spanking.
“And here – oh, listen with me, can I get an anointing?”
“Amen!” yells the happy mob. “Amen, brother!” I yell too, and Ruby is happy for me, and gives me a hug which makes me happy.
“—Now listen to me. Jesus was on the Cross, and he wept and he had the broken heart, he had the broken heart for you – yes, you! For me, for us sinners. Look! Look right here! Oh look here in the twenty-second Psalm.” He slaps it with a bang.
“Read it!” yells Ruby, almost in my ear and the mob is yelling “Read it!” and “Tell it!”
“Get it said!” I yell and people around me cheer. Maybe Daniel has heard my voice. Maybe he will come to me by himself.
He turns it to a place he has marked and holds it up for everyone to see. “Psalm Twenty-two – My God! My God! Labbabab-bachsathenthie! Hallelujah!”
I hate when he does that. It sounds so stupid. Who does he think he is fooling with that phony language?
“‘Why hast thou forsaken me? Why art thou so far’ – why Lord? Why? ‘Why art thou so far from helping me and from the words of my roaring?’ Why Lord are you so far from my broken heart?”
I hate to say it, it is humiliating to admit, but he is kind of getting to me. This talk about the broken heart. That is my heart he is talking about.
“Read it!” I scream, loud enough for Daniel to hear. “Get it said!”
“Amen, sister!” yells Eddie and whaps me on the back. I like it.
“‘Oh my God, I cry in the day time, but thou hearest not, and in the night season and am not silent. But thou art holy, O thou that inhabitest the praises of Israel. They cried unto thee and were delivered. They trusted in thee and were not confounded.’ The Lord wants you – all you with a broken heart – to trust in him. All you who weep by the waters of Babylon, the Lord wants to dry your tears. Look what else it says here, look – look here – and God does not lie, it says, ‘But I am a worm and no man, a reproach of men and despised of the people. All they that see me laugh me to scorn and shoot out the lip—’”
There he goes. He’s starting to make himself cry now.
“‘—they shake the head – they shake the head—’” (now he shakes his head for us) “‘– saying he trusted on the Lord!’” Okay, now he is jumping up and down and tears are on his face, and see there, Ruby and her husband – they are jumping too. I begin jumping up and down together with them, glancing over the crowd to get a glimpse of my man. I take care to see I don’t jump too high so as not to seem creepy to everyone.
“‘He trusted on the Lord that he would deliver him; let him deliver him, seeing he delighted in him.’ They were laughing at Jesus, and Jesus was alone – hah! And he was on the Cross – hah! And they laughed at him – hah! Saying, ‘Let him come down from the Cross’ and Jesus’ heart was broken. He had the broken heart. The heart of the stranger and he was a stranger among us, amen! Amen! Amen!”
Everybody is going crazy and yelling, “Amen!” and jumping all about everywhere like fleas. Now I hear it, many of them are speaking now to make themselves crazy in the silly words that sound like a language. Baa baa baa. Baa baa baa. I am the wolf surrounded by sheep going baa baa baa.
Sheep! You sheep going babababa – I can kill any of you. I can do it! What do you know about God or death or evil? Dumb bastards. Dumb fucking bastards. I can kill you! One or all at once. What a fat neck sweaty Ruby has. I’m not evil! This was done to me, I didn’t ask for it! I’m probably a saint compared to some of you. I should kill someone here just to show you the devil’s face. Stupid fucking sheep!
“Say what?” says Eddie, looking at me funny.
I imagine Eddie the way he would look with his eyes gouged out by my fingers. I imagine his body floating in a swamp like the French farmer I tortured all night until dawn, long ago in his own garlic field. Fucking black bastard! I can kill you nigger sheep! Swarzen!
… what in the world …?
These people. I have killed so many just like them. Some of them, like Ruby, I made them suffer and I did it just for fun.
I hold my hands in front of me, these fingers, the things they’ve done. They cannot guess at the person standing next to them. I glance up at the old white granny with the funny white gloves. Her brittle bones. Once alone, an easy kill. Old blood is like old wine.
But what would her grandchildren say?
“If the bank has got a hold of you, and it’s got your house, and it’s got your car and it – it has broken your heart, the Lord wants to heal you. If your boyfriend or your husband has left you, or your wife has left you, the Lord wants to heal you. If-if-if-if you had some drugs in the past, and-and-and you’re burning up for drugs, but you say to yourself ‘this is not God’ and your heart is broken and you’re alone, somebody help me, God wants to heal your broken heart. ‘I may tell all my bones’ the Bible says right here, ‘I may tell all my bones, they look and they stare at me, they part my garments among them and cast lots—’”
“Shut up!” I murmur at him. “Stupid bastard! With your fucking fake language! You don’t know anything about the Devil. Not like me! I’ll bite your dick off in pieces and play with your guts!”
Ruby looks at me shocked, no one else seems to have heard. A gob of pink foam drops from my lips to the floor. I give her a look and she moves away from me.
“‘Be thou not far from me’ – hallelujah! – ‘Oh, Lord, Oh my strength, haste thee to help me—’”
“Shut up! I’ll fucking kill you!” I yell again, this time for real. “I’ll cut your dick off and fuck your skull with it!” Eddie has been standing next to me with his hands in the air as though being arrested, weeping his little heart out and going babababa. But he stops and looks at me shocked. “What do you think you’re looking at, you big nigger bastard? Are you looking at my tits? Do you want to fuck me?” I yell at him, holding out my breasts. “You buck nigger bastard? Is that it? I’m the devil! I’m the demon! I can tear your throat out and not give a fucking damn about any of you! I’m the devil!”
He’s staring at me, but no one seems to notice yet.
I fling my hands up over my ears.
“Stop!” I am turning in circles now with my arms over my head. “Go away!”
“‘Deliver my soul O Lord,’” says the preacher man, “‘deliver my soul from the sword—’”
“Get away from me! I’ll hurt you. I’ve killed so many people. More than everybody! I want blood! So much blood! So many people!”
“‘– and my darling from the power of the dog. Save me from the lion’s mouth—’”
All around me! I see them – their faces. I know them. Their faces! I’ve killed so many. They’re all around me, people who hate me. And they should hate me, I am a monster. I am loathsome. Daniel will never want to touch me. I will never be loved!
“–‘save me from the lion’s mouth oh Lord, for thou hast heard me from the horns of the Unicorns!’”
“Love me!” I am swinging wildly at the air, trying to get at their heads. “Love me you stupid fucks!” I grab someone’s hair. “I’ve killed so many people!”
“– The Lord has called all with the broken heart, he has called you even from the very horns of the Unicorns.”
“Unicorns!” I scream, not knowing what I’m saying anymore.
I’m tearing out my hair, clawing at my eyes. I can’t see! My feet trip over something and I fall blind on my head.
“– The Bible says ‘thou hast heard me from the horns of the Unicorns!’ Call out to Jesus!”
“Jesus!” I am wild now, kicking, snatching blindly, biting at my own hands, swallowing my own blood, trying to tear the meat off my bones so I will never be able to hurt anyone ever again. I must die! I’m drowning in stolen blood. “Blood! Love me! Pray! Pray for me. Oh God – somebody pray for me!”
Above me the m
ob is screaming my name. Thrashing around on my back, crashing against chairs and snatching at the air, trying to tear my own skin off of me and claw the eyes out of my head. The demon is inside of me! I must tear myself open and get the demon out! There is not so much pain now, but I know I need to die. I scrabble over the floor, trying to get at my bag. “I’m the devil’s blood bitch! I’ll kill you all!” A man reaches for me and I lash out scratching his face. Blood! His blood on my nails. I stick my fingers in my mouth and drool. There is so much blood on my hands, such as I never knew, and I’m going to die now with all of it to pay. I’m clawing at the gym bag, trying to tear it open with my teeth. “Kill me! Somebody kill me!” Waving the gym bag in the air. “For God’s sake somebody kill me!” I am screaming like an animal.
Words. Words. The air is filled with words. Soft words.
Light. The air is filled with light. Soft light. It’s so quiet and peace is coming to me. Is this true death at last? My body is shaking and my clothes are torn. I can see. But the faces around me, looking down over me, are Ruby and the others, fearful and concerned. Hands to mouths, lips moving in prayer, hands held out over me as if hoping to call down some magic power. The preacher is standing above me.
“I cast thee out!”
He wants me to go?
“In the name of our Lord, who has given us power over demons and devils – I cast thee out of this girl in the name of Jesus Christ.”
He has cast the demon out of me? But I thought I was the demon.
“In the name of Jesus Christ – be gone!” The people are looking at him, hanging on his words, his countenance.
I’m searching the faces surrounding me and there is no hatred. How is it I’m alive? These people, they know nothing of me. These are not the ones I killed, but only Ruby and the others. I search the crowd for Daniel’s face, but he isn’t here, and everything feels different.
I roll on to my knees, searching inside, wanting to believe in miracles, oh – I have faith. No one has faith like the damned. But I feel different, there is no hatred. I don’t want to hurt anyone.
I have been wrong. I have been healed. It was not me. All along it was not me, and I’m only a girl who the devil has possessed and played a terrible trick on for all these many years and endless nights. It was not me, no it was never me killed those people, it was the demon possessing me and am I free now?
Sitting up now, looking at my hands, only the hands of an innocent girl who has been abused in a nightmare. Is it over?
The preacher is looking in my face and sees no evil there. He is relieved and joyful, and why not? He has seen a miracle. “Do you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior?” he says.
“Yes,” I say. “I think I do.” It sounds stupid the way I say it.
“On your knees. On your knees, child, and pray with me. Confess that you are a sinner.”
“Oh sir, I am a sinner. You have not met such a sinner as me.”
“Do you accept Christ Jesus as your personal Lord and savior?”
“I do. I do!” My heart is overflowing. I will be one of these people. It can all be different now. I will have friends! I will go out at night, together with all my friends. We’ll have fun and harm no one. I have forgotten what it is to have a friend.
He reaches out and hugs me, and I hug him, burying my face in his shoulder. But something disturbs me. I am smelling too many things. Am I really so different now?
As he lets go of me, Ruby is on her knees and hugging me. And then other people too. Everybody is hugging me and crying for me and holding me tight, and they are so happy and I have made them happy. I love them. I love them all. They love me. I am forgiven of my crimes. Jesus has forgiven me and I want to be with my new friends here.
Their hands are all over me, rejoicing over me. I am one of them. That is the miracle, that I can be one of them, even someone like me.
I am ordinary. Amen.
I must find kuschelbaer, I must tell him the good thing that has happened. I want him to see me and be proud of me, and we can be together now. We will have a baby too and be a family like any family. I will get a job in the Wal-Mart store.
I don’t see him in the crowd standing around me. He has either fled or doesn’t know all this hubbub is over a person he knows. I scramble to my feet and feel terribly weak and even hungry. Hungry. What do I eat? What is it my body really wants? If I eat food, will I be sick in front of these people? Will they see me despair and weep blood tears? I run through my feelings, touching and searching inside to see who it is, who is the real me, and who is doing this searching and what is it I am looking for? What is the urge I am feeling, what does it want? Blood? Food? I am a shadow standing at the edge of a dark shore.
Where is he? Peering over the heads of the crowd, looking for his shiny blue jacket. He must be outside. But the people, suddenly they are all over me. Ruby is hugging me. Her husband, people from everywhere – see them! They’re weeping for me. Some of them, hands up in prayer, praising God, praising Jesus and I want to praise Jesus too and find some way, I don’t know how yet, some good work to do to show him I’m not a sinner anymore and he has invested his miracle wisely.
It frightens me to think, what shall I do? To be only human? When Jesus healed the lepers, did they feel this way, did they have to learn how not to go about being sick and shunned anymore? Did they have to learn how to be only healthy men just like anyone? When Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, was he like me? Did he have to learn how to inhabit the world again and to forget what he had learned from death?
I want to see Daniel. It is the only thing I know for sure. I move away from the crowd and they begin the clapping and the music and the jumping as the preacher returns to his little pulpit, mission accomplished. I want to pray but I don’t know how. I only know how to curse God. I don’t know how to talk to Him.
Outside the air is cool and damp and filled with forest smells, but I can’t tell which nose is smelling them. What I scent, do others scent it as I do? Or am I still smelling with the demon’s nose?
“Wait!”
Running to me from the tent, it’s Eddie and he has my bag. “You left this.”
He puts it in my hand, beaming with happiness for me. He’s proud of me.
“Thanks.”
“Man that was sure something tonight,” Eddie says.
“Yes,” I say. “I’m very glad I came here.” Suddenly I remember and I feel terrible. I take his hand in mine. “Eddie, my good friend. I’m sorry I said those bad things to you. I didn’t mean them. Do you know that?”
“I know.”
“You must tell Ruby for me, I didn’t mean those bad words and that you and I are good friends.”
“She knows. You coming back in? Want to pray together?”
“Soon. I want to say hello to someone.”
Daniel is over there, by the tree line and he is watching me. I don’t know how I know this, what senses are telling me this, if it is some ordinary thing anyone would know or if I am still as I was. I could ask Eddie if he knows Daniel is over there, but I’m afraid of what he will say. He shakes my hand, Brother Eddie does, and then scampers back in and is lost in the crowd and the noise.
What are you thinking, my love? I know you’re there, watching me from the shadows as I once watched you on a country road one night, the night I almost killed you. The night you got to me.
There he is.
The tent light only reaches a little way. He is standing at the tree line and he’s waiting for me to come to him. I hold up the bag in my hand for him to see. I want to snuffle the air to see what he is feeling, but that’s not possible anymore, is it? Is it? And if the night air should speak to me of him, what does it mean? Am I not cured? Am I not now the good ghost of the girl before who was the evil ghost of the good girl before her? Do I dare to draw a breath?
I must be mortal. I must make myself mortal, by living without tricks. Of course the final trick will be when the sun rises. There will be no fooling the su
n. Walking down the hill, past the light, into the dark and still I see him clearly which I think is not as it should be. I might ignore my nose, but I can’t make my eyes pretend to be blind. I come up to him. “Hi, Daniel,” I say, feeling shy and stupid all of a sudden, as though we had never embraced. “I’m back.”
His eyes are intense as my own, defiant. Had the crowd attacked me, I would have picked this face as the leader, with his lidded intense eyes.
His eyes are filled with his sense of violation, and an immense loneliness. His loneliness is the price of loving me in my natural solitude, the lamb loving the tiger. I had thought once to meet his family, but realized I could not. There was room in my world safe only for him and no more. Beyond that my heart could not stretch. But that was before I was saved.
“You found me,” he says. Before I can answer: “What just happened in there?”
“Did you see everything?”
“Yeah. Were you just fooling everybody? Was it real?”
“My love, it was real. I went a little crazy, but I accepted the Jesus Christ now. I’m not evil anymore.”
“You went totally bat shit in there. I thought you were going to start attacking people. I thought you might go after me next. You knew I was there.”
“I came here to bring you home.”
“I was about to flag you down, get you to go after me and maybe spare the other people, but then you fell on the floor and went into a fit. What the hell happened to you in there?”
“It’s all right now, listen to me. Daniel. I’m your ordinary girl now. The evil thing inside, it’s gone. I feel different. The preacher man, he healed me. Jesus has healed me.”
He looks at me suspiciously. He wants to search my face, but does he see in the dark the way I can see him? Does he see my face so clearly?
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