Woman of Innocence

by Lindsay McKenna

  Looking up at Matt as he eagerly bit into his own sandwich, Jenny gestured to the river. “I have never seen a river that rages like this one.”

  “This is what they call a ‘5’ river,” he told her. Taking one of the red linen napkins, he handed it to Jenny and then got one for himself. She looked so young and relaxed here by the water. A picnic had been the perfect idea. “Guys who run rapids rate rivers from 1 through 5,” he told her. “The more dangerous it is—the faster it flows and the more rocks or boulders you have to try and navigate around—the higher the number.” With a shake of his head, he sipped the fruity wine. “Frankly, I consider anyone who even thinks of trying to run the Urubamba insane. No one could do it. They’d kill themselves with the speed this river has and end up smashing into one of those huge boulders out there.”

  “No disagreement from me. Plus the water is so cold, Matt.”

  “That’s why it’s great trout fishing.” He grinned. “Trout thrive in icy water. I was born in Ketchum, Idaho. My dad ran an outfitting company. I grew up hiking and fishing all the time.” His father had a small company that he’d built into a multimillion-dollar business.

  “What a wonderful childhood.” Jenny studied the river for a long moment before speaking. “Maria was telling me that a boy who works at a local hotel was swept away in that tributary where they wash their clothes. He slipped on a rock while carrying luggage across it with several other young men. She said it happened so fast that no one reacted soon enough. The boy was dragged out into the center by the strong current, and in no time was washed out into the Urubamba.” Her voice lowered. “Maria said they found his body three days later, washed up far below the town. That’s so sad, but that tributary and this river are nothing to mess with.” She shivered.

  “I’m not going to argue that point at all,” Matt murmured, taking another hefty bite of his sandwich. The sunlight played upon her blond hair, dappling it with spots that reminded him of gold coins. Jenny was a treasure to him. In all ways.

  “Do you know how long it’s been since I took time out for a picnic? Just to sit and watch the world go by?” he asked.

  She smiled and sipped her wine. “No. Tell me.”

  Stretching out to his full length, his legs off the blanket and resting across some small, smooth rocks, he said, “I can’t remember the last time. When I was growing up I used to like to go down to the creek on our property, go fishing and just lie under that big, spreading oak’s arms.”

  “Sounds nice,” she ventured. “You look like you wish for more of that now?”

  “You’re astute.”

  “Thank you. Well? Are you wanting to rest from your dangerous, intense lifestyle? To just spend time watching the world go by?”

  Matt’s mouth pulled slightly as he popped several salty slices of potatoes into his mouth. “Yeah, maybe I am. I’m older now. Feeling like I want to settle down.”

  “And before?”

  “Footloose and fancy free, as they say. That’s probably what destroyed my first marriage.”

  “Being away so often?” Jenny knew that many of the missions Perseus ran were three to six months in length. Sometimes longer, especially undercover ops. And that was a long time to be gone unless there was a very understanding spouse at the other end, which wasn’t often the case.

  Nodding, Matt sipped the wine and then set it down in front of him on the blanket. “Yeah, my being gone really put the marriage on the skids. Everything else that helped push it over the edge was secondary. When I finally ‘got it’—that my being gone so often and so long was really at the core of our problems, I tried to change. But—” he scowled “—it was too late, only I didn’t want to admit it. I had quit the SEALs and joined Perseus, thinking that it would somehow save what we had. But…it didn’t.”

  “Life from where I stand is an endless classroom,” Jenny told him gently. “We all make tons of mistakes. It’s what we do with what we learn from them the next time around that counts.”

  “Wise words from a wise young woman,” he granted as he finished off the sandwich. Reaching for the chocolate cake, he removed the plastic film. Taking a plastic fork, he dug into it.

  The silence stretched between them. It wasn’t really silence with the roar of the Urubamba right next to them. Matt enjoyed watching Jenny eat. She took small bites. After every bite, she’d suck on her fingertips, which got messy with the llama cheese. Of late, he’d noticed that a lot of her restlessness and frenetic, almost manic activity, had ceased. She seemed much calmer. Happier. Or was it his imagination? Was it him? Peru? Or was she becoming more confident in herself and her skills as these interviews progressed? Matt wasn’t sure. Finally, he got up enough courage to ask her a question that had been begging to be voiced for a long time.

  “Jenny?”

  “Yes?”

  “What are your dreams? What do you want out of life? Where do you see yourself five years from now?”

  Chapter Nine

  Jenny thought for a moment and then slowly wiped her fingers a final time on the red linen napkin. She saw the seriousness and interest in Matt’s eyes and knew that his question wasn’t small talk. Her heart skittered, and she was unable to drag her gaze from the tender flame burning in his gray eyes.

  “Well…you know, I never had a template for my life.” With a slight shrug, she continued, “Maybe being passed around to different families was upsetting to me and I just never got attached to anything…or hardly anyone. But I knew I wanted to make something of myself, come heck or high water. I had to prove to myself that I’m not the dummy they called me all through the different schools I went to. Getting that degree was really my only goal.”

  Looking toward the roaring, massive Urubamba, Jenny said with deprecation, “My life has been like that river, in a lot of ways, Matt. Look at all those huge boulders, hundreds of them, scattered across the expanse. I feel like I’ve been a Ping-Pong ball, hitting life’s boulders and being bounced to the next ever since I was a child.” Her mouth curved ruefully as she turned and met his hooded gaze. “And if I ever fell in that river, I’d be bounced around like one, too.”

  “Perish the thought,” Matt growled. “You wouldn’t last five minutes in it. No one would. Not even me, and I’m a trained SEAL. If smashing full speed into one of those boulders didn’t kill you outright, then the hypothermia would get you in ten minutes or less.”

  Slowly folding the napkin in her lap and then smoothing it out against her thighs, Jenny said, “No argument there. Anyway…my goals? Dreams? I just kinda hang loose, you know? Getting this job and working for Morgan was an unexpected joy. I love him so much. He’s like a gruff old teddy bear, sorta growly, but he has such a tender, caring side to him. And Laura…well, she’s wonderful.” Giving him a slight smile, Jenny added in a whisper, “Sometimes…sometimes in a moment of weakness, I fantasize that Laura and Morgan are my real mother and father. Oh, I know that’s stupid…but that’s how I feel toward them. And because of how they treat me, kind of like another daughter, I want to stay with Perseus for as long as they’ll have me. Morgan giving me a chance to take this assignment is a huge plum, I know. I don’t want to screw it up. I want to do well and show him that his faith in me is justified.”

  “Jenny, you’re not going to screw up this mission. You can see now that you’re good at what you do. I know Morgan will be happy with how you’re handling everything, and who you choose for these three missions.”

  Nodding, she moved her finger in a circle on the napkin. “Yes…I’m beginning to see that.” Lifting her chin, Jenny beamed at him. “Thanks to you…and to the pilots who, in their own way, support and encourage me, too.”

  “Well deserved,” Matt murmured. “What about your personal life? You’ve told me what you want careerwise, what about the private Jenny Wright? What are her dreams? Her yearnings?”

  Closing her eyes, she smiled and clasped her hands in her lap. “Oh! What a dreamer I am!”

  “Can you share
some of them with me?” Matt sat very still. Jenny looked in that moment like a golden angel as the sunlight lanced across her hair, stirred by the breeze along the river. The expression of joy on her face expanded his heart. How badly he wanted to rise up on his knees, lean across that basket and plant a hot kiss on those smiling lips of hers.

  “I love being a part-time baby-sitter for Laura. I love children. Well…” Jenny opened her eyes and laughed “…you can see that by how much I adore Daniel and the other children here in this town. I’d love to have a family of my own someday.” Her brows moved downward. “I’d like to have a chance to undo what was done to me, and to give my children a stable, secure, caring environment. I’d like to have a man who wants to be a father, not just someone who comes home at night and is available on weekends to his kids.” Opening her hands, she added wryly, “I know this is a dream. I know it’s not reality. But I see Morgan and Laura. He’s over at their house almost every noon, for an hour. And sometimes, when things aren’t hectic, Laura will bring the twins to see him on weekends if he’s got to work over there. She makes sure he’s not pressed for time. I love to see Peter and Kelly, who are twelve now. They’re curious and fascinated with the HQ being underground. They love all the big screen displays that show the satellites, and the colorful pictures that show where across the globe our mission teams are located.”

  “So, you want a man who’s really involved in raising the kids?”

  “Absolutely. Otherwise, why have them? Why put it all on the woman to raise them, while he gets to be an absentee dad? I don’t agree with that, Matt. I’m probably expecting too much of a man I might want to marry someday, but it’s too important to gloss over. I won’t do that to a child. I see how wonderful Katy—their second child, who’s seventeen now—has turned out, with Morgan’s daily influence on her. She’s such a stunning and beautiful young woman. She looks so much like Laura.”

  “Jason is a little different,” Matt noted as he sipped his wine.

  “Well,” Jenny said worriedly, “you know he was kidnapped by a drug lord when he was very young? Although he was rescued over in Hawaii by two of Morgan’s best, he was old enough to remember those events, and I’m sure it’s scarred him. He was torn from his family. Held hostage. And even though he’s nineteen years old now, and going into his second year at the Naval Academy as a midshipman, Jason is withdrawn. Being firstborn, he’s following in his dad’s footsteps and wants to become a marine upon graduation. But he isn’t trusting and open like the other three children. I can understand why. I wasn’t stolen out of my house by a drug lord, but I was passed from one family to another, and the feelings are the same—like being abandoned.”

  “I think you’re right about Jas,” Matt said as he set the empty glass aside. “There’s a lot of turmoil deep inside him. He’s become a loner as a result and doesn’t trust anyone or anything outside himself.”

  “I know.” She sighed unhappily. “I watched Morgan and Laura when he came home for the Easter holiday. They love him so much. They want him to be happy, but he isn’t. Somehow, since that kidnapping, some deep connection between Jas and his parents has been broken. It’s so sad, Matt, to see him. I wanted to cry. Jas just went off to his room, to be alone. And when Laura tried to get him involved in the family Easter egg hunt, he went for a hike into the mountains, instead.”

  “The boy has emotional wounds,” Matt agreed. “Maybe being at the academy will help him understand commitment and teamwork. At least, we can hope that.”

  “Yes, and that as he gets older and experiences more of life’s hard knocks, he’ll be able to get in touch with his emotions and feelings and bond again with Morgan and Laura. I know, from being a psychologist, that on some unconscious level, Jas blames his parents for being kidnapped and abandoned. He’s got a lot of unconscious rage aimed at them because of it. I’m sure he’s not aware it’s there or that he even understands his actions are hurting everyone. It’s only natural for a small child to see separation from his parents as some sort of punishment. And no matter how much love, praise and support Morgan and Laura have lavished on Jason since his rescue, he’s rejected it. The experience made him feel too vulnerable, and he’s built a hellacious armored wall around himself to keep that from ever happening again.”

  “Did your childhood affect you that way, Jenny?” Matt said, enjoying the way the corners of her mouth lifted at his observation.

  “No. But although I felt abandoned like Jason did, I wasn’t kidnapped, and there’s the difference. I mean, poor little Jas was literally snatched out of his bed. During the rescue, Sabra, the woman operative, held him, while Craig Talbot, the helicopter pilot, flew them out of the drug lord’s villa. Only the helicopter was shot up and they crash-landed halfway to their destination. Jas had to endure that trauma, too. Sabra used her own body to shield him after they made the emergency landing. And if she hadn’t run away from the site with him, Jason would have been killed.”

  Shrugging, Jenny said more softly, “Jas remembers all of it. And what’s worse, he considered Sabra his ‘auntie’—he was very close to her as a young one. That’s why Morgan put her on that mission to locate and extract him. Sabra was wounded by a piece of flying shrapnel when the helicopter blew up. Jas was found sitting next to her, crying his little eyes out, while she was bloody and unconscious.” Shivering, Jenny gave Matt a soulful look. “He’s endured a lot. Those kinds of memories are like a brand on your heart and brain, as far as I’m concerned. They are life-altering events that affect a person forever.”

  Nodding, Matt said, “Jason has suffered a lot, there’s no question. Maybe being in the naval academy will help him. He so badly wants to carry on the family’s military tradition. I think he wants to erase the stain on the family’s honor, too.”

  “Oh…that.” Jenny sighed and sipped her wine with pleasure. “I think Morgan has more than shown the American public that he wasn’t the traitor they thought he was during the Vietnam War.”

  “Still,” Matt said, “I saw it in Jas’s eyes sometimes in the year before he left for the academy. You know Laura and Morgan throw a huge, five-day Christmas party every year for those of us home from missions at the time.”

  She smiled. “Oh, yes! Laura goes all out. She loves to entertain and see people have a good time. She knows the stresses and demands on the mercs and their families. I helped her with some of the decorating last year, and drove to Helena with her to shop for gifts. The celebration was a lot of fun, and I got to meet a number of people who work for Perseus.”

  Matt’s eyes crinkled. “I missed the last one because I was out on a mission, but I heard from a number of the guys who were able to attend that it was the best ever. The women mercs like it because they got to dress up.”

  Sighing, Jenny said, “It was wonderful, Matt. I loved it. Laura is so good at pulling people out of their shells and getting them to mix and mingle. Morgan is good, too, but Laura’s heart and soul goes into this extravaganza. For five days, we were wined and dined while we celebrated and danced the nights away. On Christmas morning, they opened up their beautiful log house to about fifty people or so. There was a huge twenty-foot-tall Christmas tree, which we all helped to decorate on the first evening, and then everyone gathered for brunch. Afterward, we got to open gifts.” She clapped her hands with delight. “You wouldn’t believe how wonderful it was! Laura knows every person who works for Perseus—and what they would like. It was great to see men and women who risk their lives become like animated children during the celebration. There was so much laughter and warmth. I just loved it. Laura calls it her Five Days of Christmas celebration.”

  “And seeing the glimmer in your eyes, I can tell you’re a big kid at Christmas yourself.” It was one of the many things Matt had come to appreciate about Jenny. When she needed to be an adult, she was. But the moment she could slip out of those traces, she became spontaneous and childlike, filled with awe and wonder at the world around her. He found that refreshing and rea
lized she made him feel more like a kid himself.

  Laughing pleasantly, Jenny reached for her cake, unwrapped it and eagerly began to consume it. “That’s one thing I really like about myself—being able to be a kid still. Maybe that’s why I love children so much. They haven’t lost the ability to be flexible and spontaneous in the moment.”

  He regarded her from beneath his short, thick lashes. “So, we’re back to my original question, Jenny Wright. What do you want out of life?”

  Hesitating fractionally, Jenny placed the plate in her lap, her hands around it. “The same thing everyone wants. I’d like to be married someday. I’d love to have two kids.”

  “Would you balance career and kids?” Matt asked.

  Jenny shrugged. “I feel very strongly that children need a full-time mother for the first seven years of their life. I got to experience both sides of this. I had some foster mothers who stayed at home full-time. I had others that worked full-time, along with my foster fathers, while I had a procession of baby-sitters.”

  “You’ve been able to develop a unique perspective on this,” Matt noted. He saw Jenny frown.

  “I’ve thought a lot about this…I chew everything to death,” she admitted with a giggle. “I’d hope that my husband would make enough money to allow me to stay home with our child. If he didn’t, then I’d try to have some kind of job I could do at home, so I’d be there, anyway. And if that didn’t work, then I’d look at taking a night job so I could at least be there during the day for the baby.” Her brows rose and she gave him a playful look. “Of course, the dad would be hauling his fair share of the load of raising this child, too. It wouldn’t all be on my shoulders. He’d learn how to wash the baby, change diapers and care for him or her just as I would.”

  “That’s a fair expectation,” Matt agreed.

  “What about you?” Jenny asked, spooning more of the delicious cake into her mouth.