Kern laughed. “So was I – once. And it hasn’t helped him any more than it helped me. He’s just as deceived as everyone else. The only difference is that Philip is my son. As long as you don’t interfere, he’ll live to one day be king.”
“Over what?” she cried. “A destroyed people? That’s no kingdom.”
His features hardened. “It’s power, and that matters more than everything else.”
Anger burned within her. “You’re wrong. Life, freedom, prosperity. People sacrifice for those things. They die for them.” She backed towards the door. “You won’t get away with this.”
“And who’s going to stop me?” He advanced towards her. “You?”
She took another step back but didn’t look away. “If I can.” Then she turned and reached for the doorknob.
“You’re forgetting one thing.” His breath was hot against the back of her neck and she froze, remembering why she’d come in the first place, why she was so desperate. She spun around, only to be pushed back against the door.
“You’re forgetting that you aren’t going to have a choice. You aren’t going to be able to think or plan or remember.”
“Please, no,” she begged. But it was already too late.
Nineteen
Maren walked through the halls of the castle in confusion. She’d woken in a strange bed, felt as if her body had been beaten and hadn’t had time to heal, and some woman she’d never met but who seemed vaguely familiar came in and brought her breakfast and helped her dress. She’d cautiously stepped through her doorway a few minutes later. More people, who something told her she should recognize but didn’t, passed her in the hall. Most greeted her as if they knew who she was. She pretended she did. But now she didn’t know what to do or where to go.
“Maren?”
A man walked towards her. She recognized him but couldn’t remember from where. She only knew she should be afraid and took a step back.
Pain so intense she couldn’t breathe coursed through her. And then she knew. Lord Teige. No. Kern, disguised as Teige. He raised a single brow, and a hint of amusement covered his face.
“Wandering a little earlier than normal?”
Her mind spun in confusion. Normal? She’d done this before? Wisps of memory hovered at the edges of her consciousness, but she couldn’t seem to grasp them.
Kern took a step closer. “It’s all right, Maren. You’ve been forgetting a lot lately.”
She rubbed her hands on her forehead. Something was very wrong.
“Everyone’s gathered downstairs to watch the troop demonstration. Shall we?”
He held out an arm, but she didn’t take it. Some part of her didn’t want to.
“Maren, take my arm.”
She felt an uncomfortable pressure in her head and then placed her hand on his.
“Here’s what’s going to happen today.” Kern patted her hand reassuringly as he led her down the hall. “We’re going to join the others, and you’re going to act as if you recognize them. You’re going to watch the demonstration with me. You will cheer and smile when everyone else does. If anyone asks you a question, answer the best you can. If you’re ever confused, just complain of a headache or that you’re not feeling well. They’ve all been very understanding about your illness and its effects.”
He stopped and turned to face her.
“There’s only one more thing, but it’s the most important. There’s a man named Philip who will be there. You don’t like him. You don’t want to be near him. You want to make him hate you. Don’t talk to him. Don’t let him ask you questions. Do you understand?”
She nodded mechanically but something about Kern’s mention of Philip made her chest ache.
When they walked out onto the lawn a crowd was already gathered, and her confusion grew. Faces swarmed around her that she knew. Only she didn’t. Kern led her to where a lady and a man stood.
The woman smiled and put her arms around her. “I’m glad you felt well enough to come.”
This woman loved her. Maren knew it, even without memories. The feeling somehow transcended that. She knew this woman was her friend, that they were close, and that Maren would do anything for her.
The man took her hands. She felt that same sense of love she had from the woman.
“It’s good to see you,” the man said. “Adare and I have been so worried.”
Adare. That was the lady’s name.
The man helped her to a chair next to Adare. “We’re just waiting for Philip before we begin.”
Her heart did that strange ache thing again when she heard Philip’s name. Why did she want him to hate her?
“Are we still riding this afternoon, Your Majesty?” Kern asked as he sat down next to her.
Her breath caught. The man was the king? Then Adare was the queen. She was loved by the king and queen? She was their friend? Her breath started coming too quickly. She couldn’t process everything. She didn’t know what was real. Everything was hazy and confusing and…
“Maren.” Kern’s breath was on her neck. “Maren, it’s all right. Calm down. Act like you’re enjoying yourself.”
She didn’t want to. She wanted to run away. She wanted to be alone. To think. But she couldn’t. She had to stay. Kern had told her to.
“Ah, there’s Philip. It’s time to start.” The king pointed as a man led a group of soldiers onto the field.
Maren barely noticed them. Her eyes were focused on the man in charge. Of all the faces she’d seen today, his was the most familiar. She wanted to watch him. She wanted to get out of her seat and run to him. He could help her. He could explain what was going on. She didn’t even realize she’d started to stand when a hand clamped around her arm.
“No,” Kern whispered. “You want him to hate you. You will not talk to him. You won’t even look at him.”
Her head screamed resistance, but she couldn’t resist. She pulled her eyes away from Philip and tried to focus on the soldiers. Eventually she leaned back in her chair and pretended to watch. She clapped when everyone else did. She managed a few weak laughs.
When it was over, everyone moved onto the field. She followed, staying as close to Kern as possible. She didn’t want to. She wanted to get away from him. But even stronger was a desire to do everything he asked, to have him tell her exactly what to do and where to go and how to act. It was less confusing that way. Easier.
Until they reached Philip. Then nothing was easy. The same desire to run to him almost overcame her, but Kern’s orders were stronger. Her head pounded, and the one time she tried to look Philip’s way, pain shot down her arm. She didn’t try again. Even though she knew he was watching her.
“Philip,” Kern clapped him on the shoulder and smiled. “Wonderful. Now you need to take a break and come riding with Daric and me. I haven’t seen you in over a week.”
They were friends? Why did Kern want his friend to hate her?
“I’ve been too busy, but I’ll come with you today.”
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Philip run a hand through his hair.
“I think I deserve it.”
Someone else claimed Philip’s attention, and she once again followed Kern through the crowd, feeling like a trapped animal. No matter where she looked there was a sea of strangely-familiar faces but no way out. And even though being by Kern sent fear through her, leaving him was worse. Impossible.
She couldn’t bring herself to eat when Kern handed her a plate. When Adare sat down next to her, she didn’t know what to say, and only nodded and offered short answers to her questions. Which didn’t seem to surprise Adare, but she didn’t say anything, just kept talking – and looking worried.
When everyone was finished, Kern helped her to her feet and they walked towards the castle.
“Teige!” The king and Philip headed towards them. “Twenty minutes?”
“Perfect,” Kern said. “I just need to take Maren to her room. She’s tired.”
The king smiled at
her. “Could I borrow him for one moment first? There’s something important I need his opinion on. Philip can stay and keep you company.”
She glanced at Kern. He didn’t say anything in front of the king, but he did send her his own kind of warning. “That would be fine.”
She was alone with Philip, and she couldn’t forget Kern’s words. She couldn’t talk to Philip. She couldn’t look at him. He needed to hate her.
“Maren, are you all right?”
“I…” Emotions she didn’t understand warred inside her mind pulling her back and forth, only adding to her confusion. He placed a hand on her arm and she shivered.
“I just want to help,” he insisted. “We used to be friends.”
She wanted him to help. She wanted to be his friend. Instead she stepped away. “I’m tired.”
She heard him let out a frustrated breath and felt his hesitation. “Why don’t you let me walk you upstairs? I’ll let Teige know you’re all right.”
“No!” She tried to back away, but he grabbed her arms and almost shook her.
“What is the matter?” The desperation in his voice clutched at her heart. “Why are you afraid? Tell me the truth.”
She struggled but his hold only got stronger.
“Maren, I can’t bear to see you like this. Look at me.”
She shook her head and he finally released her. “I want to help. I don’t understand what’s happening. I don’t understand why you chose Teige.” He paused. “But I can deal with that. What I can’t bear is seeing you like this. I know you’re dying—”
She gasped, and he reached out a hand that quickly dropped back to his side.
“You’re still afraid. Whether it’s real or imagined, I don’t know anymore. But—”
“Maren?”
She jumped at the sound of Kern’s voice.
“Is everything all right?”
“Please, I’d like to rest.”
He turned to Philip. “Tell Daric I’ll be ready in ten minutes.” Then he put his arm around her and led her away.
She had to stay here until Kern came back. But she was scared. If she said the wrong thing, he’d punish her. She just wanted to be alone. She wanted to close her eyes, to shut out the haziness all around her…
…dress was beautiful, but it was too big. Maren was afraid it would fall right off her.
“Why am I wearing someone else’s clothes?” she asked the other woman in the room. Kira, she thought her name was. “These are too big.”
Kira hesitated. “They’re yours, they’re just…you’ve lost a lot of weight.”
Maren didn’t understand. The last time she remembered looking in the mirror, everything had been the same. She walked over to her dressing table and gasped at the image reflected back at her. How could she not have noticed? How long did it take to lose that much weight? Why didn’t she remember?
Kira came up behind her and put a hand on her shoulder.
“It’s all right, Maren. Everything’s going to be fine.”
Maren could feel Kira’s sadness. Something wasn’t right…
…couldn’t move. Everything hurt so bad. She rolled to her side and moaned. It was deep pain, in her very bones.
“Maren, you have to get up.”
Something in her head tightened.
“Maren, you’re going to get out of that bed. You’re going to ignore the pain and act like everything’s fine.”
She pulled her blanket aside and slipped her legs over the edge of the bed. Why? She wanted to stay. She pushed herself up but despite the pain, she didn’t make a sound. At least on the outside…
…backed away. She couldn’t talk to Philip. She couldn’t look at him.
“Maren, please let me help. Tell me what you’re afraid of.”
She glanced around in desperation. She had to find Kern. He would tell her what to do. He would take her away from Philip. If she did what he said, he wouldn’t hurt her anymore…
…arms around her.
Maren only felt confused. This woman, Adare, loved her.
“I don’t know what I can do,” Adare cried. “It’s killing me. I can’t see you like this. I…”
…fingers laced through hers. She felt…not safe, but less panicked. Kern was there. He would tell her what to do. He would help her with all the people she didn’t really recognize.
“Better?”
She nodded and tightened her grip on his hand.
“Good, but you need to do more. Philip sees more than most. He suspects something.”
“I don’t know what to do.”
He put a hand on her cheek. “Kiss me. Now. While he’s watching.”
Something in her wanted to refuse. Instead, she tiled her head up to meet his lips…
…coursed through her and she collapsed.
“I told you to stay away from Philip.”
“I did,” she sobbed. “He found me. He knew you were gone.”
“What did you say?”
“Nothing.” She wrapped her hands around her head and rocked back and forth. “Nothing…”
“…will look wonderful on you.”
Maren tried to focus on…Kira.
“Tiege will have the most beautiful woman in the room as his companion tonight. He’s a lucky man.”
Maren shivered. She didn’t want to be with Kern. She wanted to be alone…
“…to anyone. Act like nothing’s wrong. You love me. You hate Philip. You won’t go near him. You won’t even look at…”
…run away. No. Kern would find her. He’d hurt her. She had to do what…
“…the truth. Tell me what you’re afraid of. Give me something to go on. Tell me where to start.”
She struggled to…
…reached for Kern’s hand. He would tell her what to do…
…could help her. He could tell her what was going on. He could make Kern stop hurting her…
…king and queen loved her…
…pain…
…had to do what he said…
…Philip could…
…fear…
…confusion…
…pain…
Twenty
Maren wrapped her hands around her knees and stared out across the pond. The wind gently brushed at her hair. It was the most calm she’d felt during a day that felt more like a dream. Familiar, but every time a thread of memory seemed within reach, it disappeared before she could catch it.
She leaned her forehead on her arms and moaned. Every part of her hurt in a way that made her want to scream. But she couldn’t. He’d told her she couldn’t.
A shadow moved in front of her, and she looked up to see Kern.
“Stand up.”
She pushed herself onto her hands and knees, but her body refused to move any further, and she fell back to the ground. She tried again with the same results.
“Stand up, Maren.” His voice was harsher, angrier, and something in her head compelled her.
But it was no use. She didn’t have any strength. He dragged her to her feet.
She cried out but his hand clamped over her mouth, muffling the sound.
“When I tell you to do something, you do it.” He wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her closer to him.
“I tried,” she whispered. “I can’t. I—”
He grabbed her chin and tilted it up until their eyes met. “In a few minutes, everyone else is going to be done with their meal and they’ll join us. I want to make you a deal. You kiss me back, right in front of Philip, like you mean it, like you’re in love with me, and I’ll take away the pain.”
No pain. She’d do anything for that.
He glanced over her shoulder. “They’re coming.” He waited until they could actually hear voices and then bent down and kissed her.
The pain was gone almost immediately. Completely gone, as if it had never been there. She felt stronger. She—
His lips left hers and agony rushed over her. She groaned and felt his body
shake with silent laughter.
“You can do much better than that, Maren. The deal was that you’d kiss me back. Philip’s never going to believe you don’t love him, that everything is truly over between the two of you, if you kiss me like that.” He brushed a strand of hair off her face. “Should we try again?”
“Yes,” she begged. “Just take away the pain. Make it stop.”
At first, she made herself kiss him back, relishing in the absence of pain. But the longer it was gone, the more desperate she was that it would stay away. When she felt his body shift, she panicked, afraid he was going to stop, and she slid her arms around his neck and pulled him closer. He immediately slipped a hand up her back.
His lips demanded more and she didn’t hesitate to give it. All she knew was that she felt nothing but his mouth against hers and his arm around her. She didn’t want it to stop. She didn’t want to go back to the hurt. She would do anything to keep it away.
Her arms tightened around his neck, trying to pull him closer, to—
Faint images swam through her head. Memories of the past. Daric, Adare, Kira, her father, and Philip. She gasped. She knew who she was, and the realization made her cling even tighter to Kern, desperate not to forget again. Then a different set of images came, hazy and grey, as if she were seeing them from a distance. Confusion, pain, fear, Kern’s absolute control over her every action. Horror like she’d never felt before consumed her. Kern had kept her like that for weeks. He hadn’t given her one day of freedom. Until today. Because Philip was still too suspicious. And because what Kern had done was killing her even faster. She could feel it in her own physical weakness and in the tiny thread of life that wove through her consciousness. That’s why he’d finally released the spell. He needed her alive. She was still useful to him.
Borrowed Magic Page 14