She hesitated, then took the change…
The restaurant Gloria had recommended was small. There was only one other couple in the place—for which Jacob was grateful. He was beset with an assortment of feelings as he looked at Gloria across the round, candlelit table. Guilt was at the head of the list. But still, he was happy to be with Gloria. She was…soft, and there was a tenderness in her lovely eyes…although a sadness too.
After their orders had been given, Jacob said, “How old are your children?”
“My youngest, Barbara, is six and Julie is eight.”
“It must be difficult raising them alone.”
“Well, it hasn’t been easy, but thank God for my mother—”
“Are you divorced?”
“No…”
“Separated?”
“Deserted—”
Deserted…He knew what that felt like. No one ever forgot, no matter how long one lived. From his childhood in Poland through his marriage with Sara, it seemed he’d been deserted time and time again. At this moment he felt a special bond with this young woman sitting across from him. “How long have you been alone?”
“Since Barbara was born…And you don’t know how grateful I was for the job, Mr. Sanders.”
He understood that too. The sign in Mr. Mendlebaum’s window…he had been alone until they took him in and gave him a job…and their love…
“Why haven’t you gotten a divorce? You can, you know.”
“I suppose, but I don’t need a divorce. I don’t want to get married again, ever—”
“How do you know? You’re a young woman.”
“I just know, Mr. Sanders.”
When the food was brought to the table he asked, “Do you come here often?”
“No, only once before…”
Did she have a lover, he wondered? “That night I saw you at the Frenchman’s, I thought you were meeting someone…”
“I was just feeling very down and thought I’d give myself a treat.”
She immediately regretted the lie. She knew now that he was interested in her. Why couldn’t people simply say what they felt instead of playing games? “Did you ever do anything you regretted, Mr. Sanders?”
“More than once. What do you regret?”
“I deliberately went to dinner that night, knowing you were going to be there.”
He looked puzzled. “How did you know that?”
“When you told me to call your house, I just figured you were going to have dinner alone. That’s how I happened to be in the restaurant that night. I even know why you weren’t going home…When you work as an operator you find out an awful lot of things and I just gave way to an impulse…”
Jacob was shocked that she’d thought about him at all. And in those terms? He didn’t think of himself as a romantic figure but she seemed to be telling him that he was.
“Gloria, I have a very…warm feeling for you. In fact, I have for quite some time now—”
She looked bewildered. He had all but ignored her in the office.
“We’re two rather lonely people, Gloria, and I think we need each other.”
“I need you, but I want to make it clear right now that it has nothing to do with your wealth or your position. There’s just something good in you that I sense, and I want to know that part of you better and to share things with you. I hope that doesn’t sound too forward…it’s the plain truth…”
He reached over and took her hand. Nobody had ever said such things to him. In the beginning Sara had said she loved him, but he learned she didn’t love him as much as the security of being with a man who would protect her. Lotte had said she loved him, but he suspected her feelings might have been like Sara’s. Who had ever liked him for himself…?
“I can’t promise you anything, Gloria. It’s only right that I tell you I can never get a divorce—”
“I don’t expect that. You have children and you must love them a great deal.”
“That’s not the reason.”
“I hope this won’t hurt your feelings, but I feel very sorry for your wife—”
“For my wife?”
“Yes. She has a good man and for reasons I couldn’t guess she doesn’t know it. I think all you ever wanted was…to be loved, and appreciated?”
This stranger seemed to know so much more about him, and he had already told her things he’d never told anyone…
They drove to Gloria’s small studio apartment, and there Jacob discovered something he had never experienced—the kind of lovemaking that was uniquely shared by two people. Even early in his marriage Sara had been passive, as if she were somewhere else and it wasn’t happening to her…
Later as they lay together he said, “Gloria, I don’t know what to do for you. You’ve made me feel so good…and I’d like us to continue seeing each other, but will you be satisfied with that?”
“I never thought I’d have you on any terms—”
“Maybe you should stop working? I’ll take care of you and your children—”
“No. If I did, look what I’d be giving up. I’ll see you more than your family.”
“All right, all right, anything you want—”
“I want you, Jack, just the way it is now and just the way you are now.”
He heard what she said, but it was hard to believe it. He’d make the effort…
The longer the liaison with Gloria lasted, the more secure he became. He didn’t have to worry about Sara seeing a change in him. His routine was the same, and he was no more or less demonstrative with her than he’d ever been. He also knew it would never occur to her to think that he might be…unfaithful. She thought she had him securely under her thumb and that he was so busy that the last thing in the world he’d have time for was another woman…An ill-chosen word…“mistress”…He almost thanked her for it. It had been the catalyst to something, the deep need in him that had been building longer than even he knew…He’d found a woman who gave of herself, who wanted him for himself, and wanted nothing more…
In the beginning it was difficult to convince himself she wouldn’t turn away from him one day—and that kept him from trusting her completely. Even during their most intimate moments, he had thoughts of…his mother abandoning him, Lotte betraying him, Sara’s self-centeredness that pushed him out of her life—he’d never forgotten the abortion, he always lived with the haunting feeling that the child she destroyed might have been that boy…
As his relationship with Gloria went on he learned to accept that she was what she seemed…a woman of understanding, of compassion. He thanked God for her…she gave him so much and demanded nothing in return. And because she did, Jacob wanted to do more and more for her, give her as much as she would accept. It was difficult not to make comparisons between this girl who took his gifts only reluctantly and his family, who always seemed to want more…
Nights after the passion was spent he would lie there with his arms around her and allow himself to talk about his childhood. She helped him to do it, seeming to feel the pain he felt. Only to her could he confess his boyish heartbreak over Lotte that never left the man, his maddening frustrations with Sara. Gloria was, as he told her, the only person he’d actually felt loved by, and it was a continuing mystery to him how or why she had fallen in love with him.
“I think,” she said, “it was because I sensed from the start how much you needed to be loved, how open you were to it, even if you didn’t know it. And your need was also mine…I needed to give…” She laughed lightly. “At the very first I didn’t really know why I felt drawn to you…and then I did. I realized you were afraid of me…yes, you were…and you tried to hide it. You’re a man who never showed his true feelings. Call it instinct, anything you want. Maybe that’s where love begins, I don’t know.” She kissed him and smiled. “But you underestimate yourself, Mr. Jack Sanders. It wasn’t just instinct on my part. You also happen to be just about the most handsome man I’ve ever met. In or out of bed.”
She knew he wouldn
’t respond to the compliment, nor did she expect him to. Compliments embarrassed him. Still, she knew he not only liked hearing it, but needed to hear it said. She also knew he could never use the word love or return a compliment, but the way he made love left no doubt about his feelings.
CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR
DORIS SAT IN THE park watching as Michele played in the sandbox. It was her ninth month now, and her belly bulged so that she could make a bet it was going to be triplets. Nothing would surprise her.
The thoughts that crept into Doris’ head were surely not new, but somehow, today they were more acute. You’re feeling more than a little sorry for yourself, she told herself. You’re damned right, but why now? Well, I suppose it has to do with what’s inside my belly and that adorable little girl going down the slide. I’m trying to sort out the pieces, to figure out what brought me to here, to now…but to answer that would take me back to my parents’ childhoods, even further back than that. Still, I suppose it’s all one and the same, the way one generation affects the next…All right, then, so let’s talk about mama and papa. Papa first…he came out of a different set of circumstances than mama, but both were unloved, unwanted—at least papa thought he was unwanted, which is what counts. Their similarities might have been what had attracted them to each other from the start, but the similarities had eventually led to driving them apart—and their children had been paying for it ever since…Two people meet, their children’s destinies as well as their own seem set. In our case, our parents are people who probably shouldn’t have been parents in the first place. Just because people can give birth doesn’t qualify them to take on the responsibility of molding other human beings. Children need understanding, not just a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs. They need love to grow on too…
Of course, I’d love to give my children all the things I didn’t have, but if I can’t do that, my children are still going to get all the love and understanding I possess. I just can’t remember a kiss from papa or a kind loving word from mama—but they didn’t understand each other, so how could they understand us, give to us…? The only one of us who fought back was Rachel, and she escaped. Hooray for her. Me? I’m like a frightened bunny, scared to death of everyone, afraid of rejection, of insecurity…I’m afraid to let go for fear I’ll end up living my old age on charity. And what did they give us spiritually? Nothing much, I’m sorry to say.
Well, the time has come for you, Doris, to take the clue from all their mistakes and reverse them, figure out how you’re going to raise your children and what you owe them. Okay, Doris…you’ve thought it all out and you’re still sitting on the bench. Only remember one thing before you go home—love your kids, not till it hurts, but till it makes you feel good. They’re all you have or maybe ever will. But they don’t belong to you. They’re only on loan, so love and enjoy them while you can, then let go when the time comes. Don’t hold the strings, and never make them feel beholden to you. They don’t owe you anything…I’m going to be the best damned mother because I’m going to listen. No sermons. And I’m going to give them spiritual values so they’ll have something to lean on…
The day suddenly became cold. Doris got up quickly and tried to button her coat, but she couldn’t quite close it over her belly. She walked to Michele and hugged her. “You’ve been such a good girl, Michele.” Oh, God, I love you, she said silently.
Michele heard the sound of the ice cream man. “Could I have an ice cream, mommy?”
Doris blinked back the tears. “You know you beat me to it, I was just going to ask you.” …
It was seven in the morning. Doris woke Henry up, pushing him urgently. “Darling, I think I’m in labor—”
“My God, when did it start?”
“About five—”
“And you tell me now?”
“Don’t get excited, I have a feeling it won’t be for quite a while. No, please get dressed and I’ll get Michele. What do you feel like having for breakfast?”
“Breakfast? How can you think of that? Just get ready. I’ll take care of breakfast later.”
As they were about to leave, Doris said, “Henry, take Michele and I’ll be right down, okay?”
“What do you want to do, the kitchen floor?”
“I did that yesterday. Go ahead, dear—”
“This is ridiculous,” he said, taking Michele’s hand.
Doris went from room to room. It wasn’t much to look at, but it was home. Please God, let me come back with a healthy child…
When they arrived at Henry’s mother’s house Doris felt a lump in her throat at the thought of being parted from Michele. “Let me look at my little girl.”
“Mommy, do you have to go?”
“Would I leave you if I didn’t have to? We talked about this, remember?”
“I’ll miss you—”
“And I’ll miss you too, but it’s only for a little while. I’ll call you every day and you can call me too, honey.”
Michele nodded reluctantly, took her father’s hand and went up the stairs to her grandmother’s…
At eleven that morning, the contractions were coming closer together. She pressed the button to summon the nurse and asked her to call Henry.
Soon he was standing at the edge of the bed, taking her hand in his. “Are you all right, darling?”
“Couldn’t be better. I just spoke to Michele—”
“You called?”
“Yes, I didn’t want her to feel…alone…Darling, please call my mother.”
He needed Sara like a hole in the head, but he picked up the phone and called. “Sara, Doris is in the hospital.”
In spite of her feelings about Doris’ pregnancy, she became anxious when she remembered her last delivery. “How is she?”
“Well, nothing much has happened yet.”
“When did you take her?”
“About nine.”
“Nine, and you just called? Why do you do this to me, Henry?”
“Sara, please, let’s not start that today.”
There was a long silence. “I’ll be there.”…She hung up and called the plant to tell Jacob.
“Doris is in the hospital, Jacob—”
“You go and I’ll meet you there.”
“I’m very nervous…”
“With the help of God she’ll be all right.” But he was as nervous as she was. For some reason, when Doris was sick or in any trouble it came crashing down on him like a hammer. He always remembered when Sara had given birth to Lillian how he’d taken care of Doris, hovered over her. He had felt so responsible…protective…needed. Today he felt the same way…
Jacob found Sara and Henry waiting.
“How are things, Henry?”
“Thank God, not like the last time. You can go in to see her for a minute, if you want.”
He walked down the hall eagerly but when he saw his child he couldn’t understand why he felt so uncomfortable inside himself. Had he, after all, been a bad father? God, he’d tried so hard when they were growing up to give them a good life—
“Papa, I’m glad you’re here.”
“I am too, Doris. Is it very bad?”
“Pretty bad, but it’ll soon be over. Hold my hand.”
With tears in his eyes, he took her outstretched hand and held it. There was another contraction coming on, and Doris let out a scream that cut through him too. Why couldn’t he help this child now? A peculiar thought, but this it was…
Before he could say anything more the door opened and Gary Goldman walked in. “I think you’d better leave. I want to examine Doris.”
“I’ll be outside with your mother, Doris.” He blew his nose. Why was he feeling this way? He proceeded to pace the halls, along with Henry…
At five that afternoon the door to Doris’ room was opened and she was wheeled down the hall. The next forty minutes seemed an eternity.
At long last the doctor came out. “Well, Henry, you have a boy…nine pounds, two and a half ounces
.”
Henry hugged him joyfully. “A boy! My God, I have a son—”
Jacob and Sara looked at each other, one with envy, and one with guilt.
“Thank God it’s over,” Jacob said, “and congratulations, Henry. I guess you’re a better man than I was.”
Sara’s anxiety abruptly turned to anger…he was saying that to remind her…
Henry answered, “Not ‘better.’ You had Doris.”…The next morning a happy Doris greeted her husband. “Well, one thing we can do is make beautiful children together. Henry, I’m so happy I could scream. I saw that beautiful little darling with ten fingers and ten toes…my father must have been thrilled.”
“For the first time since I’ve known him. I think he was actually humble.”
“Because you did something he couldn’t. You surely did…Would you mind if we called the baby Gary? I think he should be immortalized.”
“That’s beautiful, and it will please him.”
After Henry left, Doris lay thinking what a glorious feeling motherhood gave her. Thank God, she thought, some destinies are taken out of our hands. Otherwise, she wouldn’t be here now, reveling in the gift that had just been given her. Thank you, God, for giving me a healthy baby. I’m going to try to earn the right to be called mother. Love and devotion and understanding are a child’s birthright. And I’m going to see to it that they have some spiritual belief, something to sustain them. I guess in a way I should thank mama and papa for making me so aware of what parents owe the lives they’re responsible for…She picked up the phone and called Michele.
“Darling, you have a baby brother.”
“I wish it was a sister—”
“Yes, but this way you’re still my one and only very special little girl.”
Michele considered this, and decided she liked it.
CHAPTER FIFTY-FIVE
LILLIAN HAD GRADUATED FROM high school in June, and there were feelings inside her that cried out for her to do something constructive with her life. But she also felt she never would. Mama wanted her to become a social butterfly, and that’s pretty much what she had become. She went along…
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