Xander waited silently in front of the bedroom door, oblivious to my presence as I got up from the floor and stood next to him. ‘All right, big guy?’ I said. ‘Ella’s not doing so well. Lauren’s been comforting her.’
Lauren opened the door and beckoned her husband inside. She whispered something to him in Dutch as I slipped past. Ella was lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling through puffy red eyes. I knelt down next to her.
‘My gorgeous girl. You poor thing. Today must have been hell for you. I’m sorry I couldn’t get here sooner. I wanted to, but I was stuck on the landing. Are you feeling a bit better?’
No sooner had I said that than a strange thing happened. Ella jerked her head in my direction and stared straight at the spot where I was kneeling, her eyes screwed up quizzically. She slowly sat up in bed, keeping her gaze directed at me.
‘Ella?’ I said. ‘Can you see me? Can you hear me? Don’t be scared. It’s Daddy.’
‘What’s the matter, Ella?’ Lauren said after looking away from Xander and noticing her trance-like pose. She called her name again, more firmly, and Ella blinked twice before giving her head a little shake and turning towards her auntie.
‘What?’
‘I asked you what was wrong, because you were staring at the wall. What were you looking at?’
‘I don’t know. I’m not sure. I thought I—’
‘Is everything all right?’ Dad said, bursting through the door. ‘We were wondering where you’d got to.’
‘We’re fine, Dad,’ Lauren replied. ‘Ella and I were just having a time-out. We’ll be down soon.’
‘Good. I thought I’d best check up on you, that’s all. Are you okay, Xander?’
‘Yes, Tom. You?’
‘Fine. Thanks for picking up Sam, by the way. I appreciate it.’
‘Ella?’ I said. ‘You could sense me before, couldn’t you? Can you hear me now? Look this way again if you can.’
But she didn’t. She gave no sign that she could sense me at all. The moment was gone; the spell broken.
‘Come on!’ I shouted. ‘This isn’t fair. Why can’t any of you see that I’m right here?’ I ran from person to person, screaming in each of their faces, waving my hands wildly in front of their eyes. ‘Why can’t you see me? The bloody dog can do it, for God’s sake. Why can’t you?’
Finally I knelt down again by Ella’s bed, holding my hands up in supplication. ‘Please, darling. Please give me something more. I know you could sense me just now. I’m so lonely here without you, Ella. I’m begging you.’
But it was futile. As far as my family was concerned, I was gone. I no longer existed.
I suppose I ought to have taken strength from the fact that Ella had sensed me again. It was, after all, my first sign of a breakthrough since the time she’d answered me in her sleep. For some reason, though, it had the opposite effect. I felt dejected, like there was no point in going on. The whole being dead thing seemed far more real – and final – now the funeral was over. The only definite in my future was Lizzie’s deadline.
CHAPTER 8
THIRTY-NINE DAYS LEFT
I sank into depression and the days slipped by. Lauren and Xander returned to the Netherlands and Ella moved in with Mum and Dad. I went too and kept trying to get through to her, but my heart wasn’t in it. I made no progress and, although I thought about seeking Arthur’s advice, I couldn’t motivate myself to find him. I felt paralysed. Then one rainy morning, when Mum and Dad had taken Ella to school and I was alone in my childhood home, something snapped. It dawned on me that more than three weeks had passed since my funeral. There were just five and a half weeks left now until my deadline. Then I would have to decide whether to stay or go forever.
Despite what I’d told Lizzie, I knew deep down that there was a serious choice to make. It was hard to admit, as I was desperate to stay here with Ella, but I knew I had to at least consider the idea of moving on if things didn’t change. The problem was that I had no idea who or what I might find on the other side. Nor did I know the full implications of staying here for all eternity as a spirit. A paranoid part of me wondered whether I could take Lizzie’s word as gospel truth. What if she wasn’t who she said she was? That might explain her unhelpfulness. Then I recalled Arthur saying she’d asked him to attend my funeral. Perhaps I couldn’t trust him either.
Stop being ridiculous, I thought, reminding myself of Arthur’s support. He was the closest thing I had to a friend in this in-between world I occupied. I needed to contact him and, with the clock ticking, now was as good a time as any. So as soon as Mum and Dad returned home and I was able to slip out, I walked to the church. I found Arthur under the lych gate, sheltering from the rain.
‘Hello, lad. How are you doing? I expected to hear from you sooner.’
‘Hello, Arthur. I let things get on top of me for a bit, but I’m here now. I’ve got a lot of questions. Any chance we could have a chat?’
‘Of course. Let’s get somewhere a bit drier.’
He held out his hand and, as soon as I took it, we appeared together on a pew inside the empty church.
‘Hold on,’ I said. ‘Why did you want to get out of the rain? Why were you hiding from it under the lych gate?’
‘It’s coming down quite hard, in case you hadn’t noticed.’
‘I had, but only because I can see it. I can’t feel it at all. I can’t feel anything. Can you?’
‘That’s an interesting question,’ Arthur replied. ‘The answer is complicated.’
‘I’m in no rush.’
‘No. I don’t suppose you are. I assume you have other things to ask too.’
‘I do.’
‘Okay. How about I start by summing up all the important stuff? You listen and then, afterwards, you can fire away with any questions you’ve still got. What do you say?’
‘That sounds good.’
‘Excellent. I’m not sure how much you’ve already been told, but I’m guessing not a lot, so I’ll start with the basics. When we die, our souls are released from our bodies. It’s the same for all humans. What differs is where they go to next, which depends on what each person got up to during their life. Some are invited upstairs and some go downstairs.’
‘Heaven and Hell?’
‘Essentially, although those are just names. I prefer not to use them any more. The reality of what happens after we die isn’t as simple as folk like to think.’
‘How do you mean?’
‘Well, look at you and me – detached spirits in the land of the living. Where do we fit into Christian doctrine?’ Arthur ran one hand through his white hair. ‘It’s only the really bad apples who go downstairs. The rest get another chance, although I’m not the one to tell you about what happens up there. I’m as clueless as you on that score.’
‘How—’
‘Bear with me, lad. Listen now; ask questions later. The big difference is that the bad apples don’t get any say. Their souls are marched away – and that’s it. The option to stay here is strictly an upstairs thing. You’ve earned the right to retain your free will. Hence you get to choose whether you want to move on or not. Most do, of course. Otherwise, there would be spirits walking around all over the place. How long do you have left to decide?’
‘Until December the twelfth.’
‘That’s generous. The situation with your daughter has obviously been taken into account. Anyway, I’m sure it’s already been made clear to you that, should you choose to stay after that point, there’s no second chance. You’ll be stuck here for good.’
‘Like you?’
‘Yes, like me.’
‘Why—’
‘Later. Let me finish. You asked if I could feel anything. Well, yes, some things. Not like I could when I was alive, but to a degree. How to describe it? I suppose it’s a bit like touching something when you’re wearing rubber gloves.’
He paused for a second before adding: ‘For you it’s like walking around in a bubble. Physically you
can’t feel anything, yes?’
I nodded. ‘Apart from when I interact with you. Or Lizzie, my guide. That’s because you’re dead too, right?’
‘Exactly. The rest of it – that’s because you’re a visitor. You’re here on a kind of guest pass, which only affords certain privileges. You get more freedom if you choose to stay for good.’
‘So you can touch? You can open doors and move things around? You can interact with people?’
‘Hold your horses. I didn’t say that. I said I could feel some things, such as the rain. It’s more of a reminder, an echo, than a proper sensation. I don’t actually get wet or cold or anything like that, although I do find the rain a bit unpleasant. It sort of … itches. But I’m still a spirit with no physical presence. I can’t occupy the same space as a living person any more than you can. Don’t kid yourself. It’s not like everything goes back to normal if you decide to stay. You’re still dead; all you get is a taste of what you used to have.’
‘But what about that transporting thing that you do?’
Arthur laughed. ‘Impressive, isn’t it? That’s one perk you do get as a permanent spirit – and it does help with staying out of folk’s way – but that’s pretty much it.’
‘What about communicating with people? You know how desperate I am to contact Ella.’
‘That’s a bit of a grey area. Officially, none of us are supposed to be able to communicate with the living, regardless of the permanency or otherwise of our status. However, that’s not to say it can’t happen. A lot depends on the living person involved: whether they’re tuned into that kind of thing or not and how strong a bond there is between them and the deceased.’
I recounted the two occasions on which Ella had appeared to sense me. ‘Does that mean there’s a chance of something more?’
‘Maybe. It’s definitely something to work with. The fact that she’s so young is likely to help. Children tend to be far more receptive than adults. Their minds aren’t cluttered with the kind of junk that blinkers most folk.’
‘So what next?’
‘If you’re a hundred per cent sure that you want to contact Ella; that it’s the right thing to do—’
I held up one hand to stop him. ‘Hang on a second. What does that mean? Why wouldn’t it be? She’s my only daughter. I disappeared without saying goodbye. First her mother and then me. She thinks I broke my promise never to leave her.’
‘Yes, I know that. But don’t forget that she’s just said goodbye to you. If this works – and there’s no guarantee it will – hearing from you now, from beyond the grave, will at the very least be confusing for her. You’ve had time to get used to what you are; she hasn’t. How often have you told her there are no such things as ghosts?’
He paused for a moment, his eyes widening as they stared deep inside me. ‘See what I mean? You’ll be messing with the normal grieving process and putting her through a whole new rollercoaster of emotions. I’m not saying it’s wrong. I’m simply warning you that if you go ahead with this, you need to do so with your eyes open. Be sure it’s the best thing for Ella.’
At that moment I heard a rattling from the back of the church, which startled me. ‘Looks like we’ve got company,’ Arthur said. ‘It’s probably the vicar. We don’t need him distracting us. Here, take my hand.’
I did as he asked and found myself inside a large wooden shed-like building. I looked around and saw a pile of cricket stumps and balls, a stack of hurdles, a rusty netball post and other sports equipment. There were no windows, but the gloomy day outside peeked in through two water-streaked skylights. Rain was beating down on the roof.
‘Grab a seat,’ Arthur said, gesturing to a pile of mildew-flecked cricket pads as he plonked himself down on a ragged deckchair.
‘Where are we?’
‘Don’t you recognize it?’
Puzzled, I looked around again and the penny dropped. ‘Of course. The cricket pavilion.’
That had been the somewhat misleading title attributed to the storage shed on the sports field at my old primary school. ‘Do they still call it that?’
Arthur smiled. ‘They do, although it’s lucky to still be standing, if you ask me. The new caretaker doesn’t creosote it anywhere near often enough. It smells so damp these days.’
‘You can smell?’
‘Yes. Sorry, I didn’t mention that, did I? That comes back too if you stay. Again, it’s not the same as it was, but it’s better than nothing. It’s a bit like having a heavy cold the whole time.’
‘And taste? Do you get that back?’
Arthur laughed. ‘I wish. No, that’s gone for good, along with eating or drinking anything. The smell is the closest I get to food these days. Sometimes it kills me, getting a whiff of hot buttered toast or freshly brewed coffee. Bacon’s the worst, mind. I still get cravings after all these years. I used to love my food. Not that it did me any good. It was clogging up my arteries that caused the heart attack that killed me. That and the fags, although I don’t miss them at all – horrible things.’
‘Do you think you still get to eat and drink on the other side?’ I asked. ‘You know, if you pass over.’
‘I’ve often wondered that myself,’ Arthur replied. ‘I like to think you do; that you can eat whatever you like, whenever you like, as often as you like, with no negative consequences.’ He licked his lips. ‘Now that would be bliss.’
‘So why did you stay?’
He fell silent for a moment before replying: ‘I had my reasons. But don’t you think for a second that I chose not to go because of what it’s like over there. By all accounts it’s the most perfect place imaginable. I stayed here because I had to. It’s not something I’d recommend.’
‘It’s not all that bad, is it? You seem to be doing okay.’
He snorted. ‘Do you really want to pass the rest of your days watching the world go by around you? Haven’t you felt the loneliness yet?’
He stared at me, awaiting an answer. ‘Yes, I do feel it sometimes,’ I replied eventually.
‘It only gets worse,’ he said. ‘That horrible feeling of being invisible gradually eats away at you. It’s like you’ve lost your identity, your purpose, your self-worth. Many spirits over the years have let it get on top of them and lost their minds. Those are the ones that give us lot a bad name, carrying out the hauntings and so on. Maybe I’ll end up that way one day. I’ve come close before now.’
‘But don’t you keep each other company? Don’t you have any spirit friends?’
Arthur shook his head sadly. ‘Nice idea, lad, but it doesn’t work like that. Those of us that choose to stay all have our reasons for doing so. You could probably call them our obsessions. We each have our little corners of the world and we rarely stray from them. Being a spirit here is a solitary life.’
‘So what are you saying, Arthur? Is your advice to abandon my six-year-old daughter and take the elevator upstairs without looking back? That’s what you’d do, is it? This is bullshit. I thought you were here to help.’
‘Calm down, lad. I wouldn’t feel qualified to offer such advice. I’m simply laying out all the cards in front of you. I didn’t mean—’
Arthur stopped mid-sentence. His eyebrows crinkled into a look of concern and his pupils flicked from side to side as he appeared to listen for something.
‘What’s the matt—’ I started to ask before he held one finger up to his mouth.
‘Got to go,’ he whispered, looking backwards and then vanishing.
I rushed to my feet. ‘Arthur? Arthur? What the hell?’
A dark shadow fell across the skylights.
CHAPTER 9
I didn’t utter another word. I was too afraid. Someone or something was out there and Arthur’s disappearance didn’t bode well. As the shadow remained across the skylights, I could hear the muffled sound of movement on the other side of the pavilion’s timber walls. I cowered into a corner, terrified without knowing why. Leave me alone, I thought. But it didn’t. Th
e presence moved slowly along the perimeter of the building, rustling here and scratching there, until it eventually stopped by the entrance, darkening the gaps around the doorframe.
I closed my eyes, gritted my teeth and held my head in my hands, half trying to hide and half bracing myself for whatever might happen next. When I opened my eyes again, I saw the door handle turning. Please, no, I thought. Why did you abandon me, Arthur? You knew what was coming and you left me.
The locked door shook in its frame for a few terrifying seconds and then the handle rose again. The shadow sank to the bottom half of the door and there was an irregular sniffing sound that seemed to go on forever. I heard more movement as whatever it was circled the pavilion once more, tapping the wall here and there as it went. And then there was silence. The shadow lifted from across the skylights and I was alone again.
‘Bloody hell,’ I said, standing up. I felt utterly exhausted. ‘What the hell was that? What just happened?’
I expected Arthur to return, but after a few minutes there was still no sign of him. ‘Hello, Arthur, can you hear me?’ I called. ‘It’s safe to come back. You do realize that I can’t get out of here by myself, don’t you?’
But he didn’t return.
A bell rang outside and, a few minutes later, I could hear the sound of children playing. I walked over to the door and peered through a crack. I could just about make out the schoolyard and a blur of different coloured coats running to and fro. It made me think of Ella. Was it also break time at her school? Would she be playing with her friends or standing alone? The former, I hoped, but her teacher had told Mum and Dad that she’d become introverted since my death. They had discussed moving her here now that she was living at their house, but they’d decided not to, fearing she might struggle to make new friends in her current state of mind.
What are the chances of anyone coming in here today? I wondered, staring at the locked door. Not likely at this time of year, as most of the equipment I could see lying around was for summer sports.
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