I stepped forward into the sun, noticing for the first time that I was in different clothes: a pair of light chinos and a short-sleeved checked shirt. I kicked off my trainers and socks, eager to feel the warm sand between my toes, and strode to the choppy sea. The waves looked perfect for body boarding, I thought, until I rolled up my trouser legs and let the outgoing tide spill over my bare feet. I gasped at the chill. It focused my mind, which I realized had been seduced by this beautiful scene when I ought to have been questioning it. What is this place? What’s going on? I puzzled, scouring the scene with my eyes. Am I really inside Ella’s dream?
And then I saw it. Way in the distance along the sand: a pink blur. A feeling in my gut sent me running towards it.
I was still a few hundred yards away when I recognized what I was heading for and it made me run even faster. It was Ella’s princess castle: the play tent she’d brought to her new bedroom at Mum and Dad’s and in which she’d spent so much time since my death.
‘Ella?’ I screamed at the top of my lungs. ‘Are you there?’
Time slowed as I approached the tent and saw the door being unzipped from the inside by a little hand. Then my daughter’s head popped out and she beamed at me. ‘Daddy!’ she yelled, racing out on to the sand in her favourite red and white polka dot swimsuit.
She jumped into my arms and I pulled her into a huge hug. Our warm tears flowed together as I held her soft cheek against my own and took a deep breath of sea air, savouring the moment for as long as I could. Then, eventually, I placed her down on the sand and knelt in front of her so we were face to face.
‘Hello, my darling,’ I said, ruffling her curls before pulling her into another embrace. With one finger I wiped away the tears from under her swollen eyes and looked into them, their pale green beauty shining through the redness and reminding me of her mother.
‘I knew you’d come,’ she said.
‘Oh, Ella. I’ve missed you so much. You don’t know what it’s been like, watching you every day without you being able to see me.’
She screwed her face up, puzzled. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Sorry. I need to explain, don’t I? Give me a moment to get my head around all of this, darling, and then I will. I promise. It’s just so good to see you. And this place. It’s … wow. I can’t believe I’m really here with you. It’s so vivid. Amazing.’
Thank you, Arthur, I thought. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
‘Just don’t get too comfortable,’ I remembered him warning me. ‘Breaking through to Ella’s subconscious is only the first stage. That doesn’t guarantee anything once she wakes up again.’
Ella was staring at me, a quizzical look still etched on her face.
‘What’s wrong, darling?’ I asked.
‘Nothing. It’s just—’ She looked down at her feet. ‘Um, I don’t know. You’re … different.’
‘Different to what?’
‘When we meeted here before.’
‘In your dreams, you mean?’
‘Yes.’
I took a deep breath, still relishing the feeling of fresh air in my lungs. ‘There’s a reason for that, my love …’
After I’d done my best to explain the situation to her, Ella fell silent. She stared out over the incoming waves. ‘But Grandad said dreams aren’t true. He told me it’s not really you here.’
‘Usually it’s not,’ I replied. ‘But – well – this time it is. It’s hard to understand, I know, but you said yourself that I seem different this time.’
She gave a tiny nod of her head. ‘Does it still hurt?’
‘Sorry?’
‘You know. From the accident.’
‘Oh, Ella. I’m fine. I’m not in any pain now.’
‘Is that why there’s no blood or anything?’
I shrugged. ‘I guess so.’
‘That’s good,’ she said, smiling. She hesitated before adding: ‘Did it hurt when it happened?’
‘Only for a moment. And then it was all over. Listen, Ella. I’m so sorry that I let you down. I know I promised never to leave you. And the thing is—’
‘It’s okay, Daddy. I know it wasn’t your fault. Nana said it was a terrible accident.’
‘I’ve missed you so much, my beautiful girl.’
Ella’s eyes welled up. ‘I love you, Daddy.’
I hugged her again. It felt wonderful.
‘Daddy?’ she said. ‘Will you come and see me every night in my dreams?’
‘I’m hoping to do better than that, darling. The thing is, er, I never really went away.’
I’d not explained that part of the story to her yet and she looked at me incredulously. ‘That’s not true, Daddy. Don’t tell lies. You died.’
‘I know. You’re right, of course, darling. I did die. But I’m not lying. I’ve been following you around the whole time since it happened. I was there with you on the day of the accident: when you were waiting in school with Mrs Afzal. I was sitting next to you at the funeral. I was at your bedside tonight when Nana read you some of that book I bought you, Kitty Power. I didn’t leave you. I couldn’t. The problem is that no one can see me.’
‘Like a ghost?’
‘Sort of, but not in a scary way. More like a spirit.’
‘What’s that?’
‘Um, well, kind of like a good ghost.’
‘But I thought ghosts weren’t real.’
‘Like I said, I’m not a ghost: I’m a spirit. Do you understand?’
‘Not really. But I am glad you’re here. Would you like to come to Cat Land? There’s this flying cat. She’s purple with a huge fluffy tail – and she lets me ride on her back. That’s how I get there. I’m sure she’d let you come too.’
‘I’d love to do that later with you,’ I replied. ‘But we need to talk more first. Why don’t we have a stroll along the shore? We can chat as we go.’
Ella nodded. She reached up, squeezing her little hand into mine and it felt fantastic. Choked with a rush of emotion, I had to fight to compose myself before continuing.
‘If we work as a team,’ I said eventually, ‘I think we could be together in the real world.’
‘Like before you died?’
‘Sort of, but different. You won’t be able to touch me. Not like here. So we won’t be able to hug and things like that, but hopefully you’ll be able to see and hear me.’
‘Nana and Grandad will be happy. They miss you loads too.’
‘They won’t be able to see me. It’ll just be you, my love. And, well, you won’t be able to tell them about it.’
‘Why?’
‘Because adults aren’t as good as children at understanding new things. They’ll think it’s just your imagination – and it might make them worry about you. It’ll have to be our secret. Okay?’
Ella nodded. ‘Like when the policeman told you off for driving too fast?’
I laughed. ‘Yes, I suppose so. Trust you to remember that, cheeky monkey. The thing is, I’ve been trying to make contact with you for ages and, so far, I’ve not had much luck. There were two occasions, though, when I thought you sensed me.’
‘When?’
‘First time you were asleep; you said “night night” after I told you some stories. It gave me hope.’
She shook her head. ‘I don’t remember.’
‘The other time was on the day of my funeral. You were in your bedroom afterwards with Auntie Lauren. I came inside with Xander. I said something and you stared at me, like you were in a trance. It definitely felt like you could sense me. Then you snapped out of it and the moment was gone.’
Ella clasped a hand to her mouth. ‘That was you?’
‘Yes. What did you see? What do you remember?’
‘Um, nothing really. I just felt … weird.’
‘How do you mean?’
‘Sort of shivery. And there was a strange feeling in my tummy, like the butterflies I get when I’m nervous.’
‘Try to remember exactly how you
felt.’
‘I told you.’
‘That’s fine, darling. You’re doing great. I just want you to recognize the feeling, so next time you’ll know it’s me. Come on, we can do this. All I want you to do is think of me when that feeling comes back. Imagine me talking to you like I am now. And then focus on something we did together before I died. We need to pick one specific moment, so I can think of it too. Any ideas?’
She screwed up her face in concentration. ‘Um, I don’t know. What do you think?’
I looked up and down the deserted beach, so reminiscent of our holiday in Bude, and an idea struck me. ‘Do you remember when we built the sand cat on the beach in Cornwall?’
Ella smiled. ‘Oh yeah. That was brilliant. We called it Mog.’
‘Exactly. The pointy ears were the hardest bit. They kept crumbling away until I used stones to hold them in place.’
‘I remember.’
‘Good girl. That’s our moment. When the time comes, think of it as hard as you can. I’ll do the same and, if we’re lucky, we’ll have a breakthrough.’
‘Then will I be able to see you again, Daddy?’
‘I really hope so. I can’t say for sure, as I’ve never done this before, but a friend of mine told me to try it. He was the one who led me here.’
‘Who’s your friend, Daddy? Is he dead too?’
‘Yes.’
‘What about Mummy? Have you seen her? Have you been to Heaven?’
‘Easy, tiger,’ I said. ‘That’s a lot of questions.’
A large shadow fell over me, instantly blocking out the sun’s warmth. ‘What’s that?’ I said, looking up and half expecting to see the flying cat Ella had mentioned. Instead I saw a large black cloud.
‘What’s what?’ Ella asked.
‘That cloud.’
‘What do you mean? What cloud?’
Her hand fell away from mine and I started shivering. ‘You can’t see it?’
‘Daddy, what’s happening to you? You look like you’re fading away.’
Oh, shit, I thought. This must be what Arthur warned me about. I’d meant to give Ella a heads up, so she didn’t worry, but it had come sooner than expected.
‘You can only be there for a short while,’ Arthur had said. ‘It’ll feel longer than it actually is, as time works differently in dreams. But your daughter’s brain will eventually identify you as a foreign object that doesn’t belong. It will take measures to rectify the situation. You’ll get thrown out.’
The darkness was all around me now. I couldn’t see Ella any more; I could just make out the sound of her screaming my name. ‘Don’t worry,’ I shouted, hoping she could still hear me. ‘Everything will be okay. This is normal. Remember—’
My body convulsed. I felt that sickening feeling again of everything folding in on itself and swallowing me whole. I shot upwards – a human cannonball fired into the black unknown. Out of the darkness, as I continued to rise, a series of disjointed images and sounds flashed in front of me. First a grainy glimpse of Ella laughing as she played in a park with my parents and their dog. Then she was hysterical as Sam ran out in front of a speeding car. Next Ella was alone in the school playground late at night. Then she was in the empty shell of her old bedroom. It had been stripped of all her things; she was standing there in just her pyjamas, pale and shivering.
‘What is this?’ I cried as the montage moved on to a stark vision of Ella running out of a dark cave, eyes wide with fear, followed by a colony of bats. The sound of their flapping wings was deafening.
Then nothingness.
I lurched backwards and forwards, left and right.
Up again.
Down again.
My eyes were glued shut when it finally came to an end. I forced them open and found myself face down on Ella’s bedroom carpet. I breathed a sigh of relief. It was a fake breath again – a spirit’s breath – and I immediately mourned the loss of sensation in my body. But at least I’d made it back in one piece.
I stood up and peered over at Ella’s bed. She was still fast asleep, but her eyelids were twitching and her body was jerking about under the quilt.
‘Wake up, darling,’ I said, leaning towards her, my mouth as close to her ear as I dared. I repeated it several times, but she showed no sign of having heard me. She did, however, start to settle after a few minutes, so I thought it best to back off.
Looking around the bedroom, nothing appeared any different, which felt wrong considering the enormity of what had just happened. How long had I been gone? I wondered. There wasn’t a clock in Ella’s room, but her watch was on the bedside table. I moved to look at it and a wave of dizziness crashed over me. I tried to steady myself but was so tired all of a sudden that I collapsed on to the carpet and sank into a deep, dreamless sleep. It grabbed hold of me and refused to let go. By the time I finally escaped its clutches, bright light was streaming in through the open curtains of Ella’s bedroom window. Her bed was empty and already made up. The house was silent.
CHAPTER 11
THIRTY-THREE DAYS LEFT
‘So what now?’
‘How long is it since you entered Ella’s dream?’
‘By tonight it will be seventy-two hours.’
‘And nothing’s changed?’
‘Not that I can see. She still looks straight through me.’
‘Not even a glimmer of … something? You know, some kind of recognition, like you had before?’
‘No. Zilch.’
Arthur scratched his head. ‘But you say the process of entering her dream went well?’
‘Yes. Amazing. We were together and it was like being alive again. I could breathe. I could feel. I could hold her in my arms. I could smell her hair.’
‘Ah, yes. Dreams can have that effect.’
‘The thing is,’ I said. ‘It’s made me want this even more than before. I had it in my grasp and, like an idiot, I let it slip away. Now I’m tearing my hair out. If only I’d not passed out like I did. I should have been there when she woke up.’
‘Don’t beat yourself up, William. It’s only normal what happened. What you did – where you went – would be exhausting for even the most experienced spirit. It couldn’t be helped.’
‘When I was with Ella, I told her pretty much everything we discussed. But she’s not showing any sign of remembering it. Was it all for nothing?’
‘I doubt that. I suspect it’s there in her mind somewhere. What we need to do is find a way to help her tap into it.’
‘We? You mean me?’
‘Look, I’m doing my best to help you here, lad.’
‘Sorry, Arthur. I don’t mean to take it out on you. I know you’re sticking your neck out to help me. Is everything all right on that front? That, um, thing from the pavilion: it’s not caught up with you or anything? You’re not putting yourself in danger by talking to me now, are you?’
‘Don’t fret about me, lad. I’m being extra careful. You shouldn’t have experienced what you did. That was my mistake and it won’t happen again.’
‘But I can’t just forget. I—’
‘It’s not something you need to worry about. Seriously, you’ve enough on your plate. I’m sorry you had to go through that, but you weren’t the target and you were never at risk. It’s my problem – and it’s under control. Concentrate on Ella. What’s the next step?’
‘Fine. Do you think I should try again? Should I go into another dream?’
‘No. I don’t think that would be wise. Not yet.’
Arthur and I were sitting on a pair of old deckchairs on a flat section of roof out of sight at the back of my old primary school. I’d found him watching the current caretaker polish the hall floor, taking great pleasure in criticizing his ‘shoddy’ work. When I’d asked for somewhere quiet to chat, he’d whizzed us up to this old haunt of his. It was a dry day, but all the people I’d passed in the street had been wrapped up to fend off the cold. It made my jeans and T-shirt combo look especially out of place.
Just as well I couldn’t feel anything.
‘Why not?’ I asked as a cluster of fallen leaves waltzed around the playground, the wind tricking their orange and brown curls into a false promise of new life. ‘What have I got to lose? The clock’s ticking. I need a breakthrough and I need it soon.’
Arthur, his hands bunched up in the pockets of his cardigan, gave me a pinched smile. ‘I understand. As I explained before, though, you need to leave enough time so that her brain doesn’t spot you straight away. Go in too soon and you’ll have an even longer wait before the coast is clear again.’
‘So how long would you recommend?’
‘I’d give it at least a week.’
‘From today?’
‘No, from when you last went in. That was Sunday night, right? Today’s Wednesday, so only a few days to go.’
‘I’m not sure I can wait that long, Arthur. Is there nothing else I can do?’
‘Not really, other than staying close to Ella and hoping that she remembers something. Memory’s unpredictable. It can be triggered by the slightest thing. Keep your fingers crossed that Lady Luck’s on your side.’
Waiting was hard. Really hard. But I forced myself to do it. In the meantime, I stuck by Ella’s side like a second shadow, hoping and praying that something might click. The only time I kept my distance was when she was at school. I went with her, but during lessons I stayed outside the classroom, knowing that she wouldn’t like me watching her at work. I’d return to her side at break times when she was still, unfortunately, in the habit of wandering around the yard alone rather than playing with her classmates. Her friend Jada, a timid but nice girl who used to come over for tea at our house, would often try to coax her into joining a game. But Ella invariably declined.
I overheard some girls from the year above laughing at her and branding her a ‘weirdo’ on a couple of occasions, which made my blood boil. I hoped she hadn’t heard, although I knew in my heart that she must have. Then on Friday lunchtime the ringleader – a plump girl called Kaylee with blotchy skin, short ginger hair and thick glasses – stuck out her leg as Ella walked past, tripping her over so she grazed both knees. ‘Oops!’ she said sarcastically. ‘You should look where you’re going, weirdo.’
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